A
female
age
41-50,
*iraMare
writes:Hi everyone.Thank you in advance for reading this. This is not a short post and I am not in a very stable state of mind so the writing may reflect that. And thanks again for bearing with me. And I really appreciate every piece of advice I can possibly get.My story is this: I am a 34-year old woman, I have been married for 12 years, no children. Up until a couple of years ago I can say me and my hubby were besties, soulmates, in it for life, without a doubt.But two years ago things change drastically.I've had a crappy childhood (won't get into that, it's a whole other story) and though I've always been an emotionally open person in touch with her feelings, those things I never really had processed that happened back when I was growing up. So all the things I had bottled up and never even questioned, began to surface. As a result I become seriously depressed, was kicked out of my job due to my illness (which was illegal of course but at the time I had no strength to fight) and I did nothing but cry. I didn't sleep, I lost my appetite, I had severe sleep deprivation. And everything felt like nothing. It is the most horrible feeling I've ever experienced, to feel that there´s no meaning or point to anything.I went through a period in a psychiatric hospital, started intensive therapy after I was discharged, became straightedge when I went on anti-depressants, did the best I could in that state to ensure my rehabilitation. I had to cut all ties with my family because they showed no support or empathy. They all told me I was exaggerating my childhood-based traumas and problems (well, of course they would) and pretended like nothing was wrong. The biggest disappointment was that I wasn't even surprised by their behaviour. Needless to say this period in my life took its toll on my marriage as well. My husband was relieved that I got into therapy but his way of handling (or lackthereof) the situation was really hurtful. He came home very late every night, went away on the weekends, leaving me alone too many times, changed the subject when I tried to tell him about my feelings, and what was worst, when I broke down and cried he very often left the room. He assumed therapy would do all the work and wonders. Now, I want to try and see it from his point of view and believe it was just too hard on him and he didn't know how to express that to me. That he couldn't handle seeing me like that. He is not as open as me and isn't very good at processing (or accepting) negative feelings and situations. I have always respected that and accepted the fact that he handles crisis differently, knowing only he could change that. But in this situation I still would've expected more. And even though I've always known how he is at times like this, in my state of depression all I saw was rejection and lack of empathy. a.k.a I suspected he did not love me at all. There was no affection whatsoever.So I was mentally and emotionally numb yet starving. I couldn't bring myself to confide in my friends because I was afraid they would abandon me too. So I began to pretend I was okay again. I suppose to some extent it was a good thing since it forced me to get out of the house every once in a while. Other than that it was a huge mistake since it only made me feel worse.About a year into the situation, I made a new friend whom I met by chance at a cafeteria. This guy (let's call him J) was a great person and easy to talk to. I didn't tell him about my depression at first since when I was hanging out with him I actually felt better for the first time in ages. I felt no need to analyse my life for once. We began to hang out frequently and enjoyed each other's company very much. I was so glad to have met a nice and attentive person to befriend. His humour and intellect and interests all resonated with my own. And the friendship would've probably been for life and a really good one if things hadn't shifted into a dangerous direction.Being married for years had made me oblivious to other men. They simply did not exist in my world, not in a romantic way. Cheating was a word that was not in my vocabulary. But still I developed a crush on J. The sparks were there, the butterflies, the my-feet-don't-touch-the-ground-feeling. And I didn't stop and think it, I lived it. I lost my head completely and utterly. Now I've never thought myself as a sexual person. Though during our marriage me and my husband used to have sex at least once a week, it was always comfortable but nothing more. And I didn't make a big deal out of it, though kissing was one thing I really missed since it stopped pretty much all together after the first couple of years of marriage. But other than that, I didn't give it much thought.A few months into the new friendship, I was at J's flat just hanging out one day when he suddenly started kissing me. It felt amazing. I was anxious and suprisingly, really turned on and after snogging for hours I was begging him to undress me. We had sex several times that night. I had an orgasm through intercourse for the first time in my life. I had not known I was capable of experiencing and wanting such things, having intense multiple orgasms, being loud and demanding and talking dirty, and J did things to me I had never even dreamed of. I was intoxicated by my suddenly discovered sexuality and the man that brought it about in me and of course, my dopamine levels went through the roof. It was the most unexpected anti-depressant yet. We started having sex everytime we met, which was almost every day, and I forgot about my depression and my marriage and my future, my whole existence revolved around J and our affair. J was constantly late for work and kept putting off seeing his friends as he was too busy being with me. It didn't take long to realize how mad we were about each other. And when I realized how much trouble I was in, I came crashing down again. Even though I was in love with J.Or so I thought. Now I'm not so sure. When I think about it now, I find it has bipolar disorder written all over it. Down and up and down again. The sudden sexual needs, the sudden lifting of spirits, the nonstop talking and lack of common sense. And then the crash down back into a void. Perhaps it was the illness talking, combined with the lack of affection. Perhaps the whole thing had nothing to do with love. I ended the affair, very reluctantly, after 6 months, J asked me again and again to leave my husband and live with him, but I declined.I haven't told my husband. I haven't told anyone, including my therapist. Telling would make it real and now that I'm writing it here, it's becoming real to me and it's really scary. Things at home are the same. Well, at least on the surface. Except that now there are two elephants in the room. It's been a few weeks since I last saw J and he keeps calling my voicemail and texting me saying he is miserable without me. I am miserable too which is nothing new but in this context I totally deserve it, since I am the asshole here as I cheated on my husband for so long and I cannot pin this down on my illness though it may be partly the culprit but still I made that choice and it's my responsibility. During the past 2 years, I've only felt good when I've been with J but of course in the state of depression all one wants is to feel good, to have a spark of hope. Or,as I've suspected, the manic phase of bipolarity. So I cannot tell what I really do and do not feel. I feel more and more estranged from my husband and I fear telling him about J and I fear that he won't give us a chance to work things out. I really wish we could be on the same page again. But can he forgive me for cheating and can I forgive him for not being there for me during that first year of illness - and do we even know each other anymore? I have no clue. I wish he would come to therapy with me but he has always refused to do so, since day one.When I think about choosing a life with J it seems wrong towards him. Though he seems determined that he wants to be with me, I think he deserves the chance to find someone sane with whom he could start a family with since he really wants one. I will not have kids with this brain of mine. Perhaps he thinks he can save me, make me better, that my illness will magically go away. He is a really good guy and I should probably just tell him to go live his life with someone healthier.And most of all, I have a ton of work to do with my therapy and striving towards some sort of balance in my head and having an affair really wasn't helping the balance let alone my marrital issues. And this isn't about men or needs or wants and ifs and buts. It's about doing what's healthy. So I suppose the right thing to do would be to come clean to my husband, cut contact with J and then just concentrate on therapy. But I am too scared to do anything. So everything is just hanging in the air and I am too depressed again to act. I have thought about going to a hospital for a while. But every option, every choice and decision seems to hard and too demanding.I have no idea what to do. Any suggestions?Thank you for reading this,Mira
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2010): "the right thing to do would be to come clean to my husband, cut contact with J and then just concentrate on therapy. But I am too scared to do anything"
You need to take care of yourself, before you can do anything about J or your husband.
First, your therapist needs to get involved, and they can't give you help if you don't tell them. TELL THEM.
Secondly, use their guidance with your husband, yes you need to tell him about this eventually, but not necessarily right now. J keeps calling and your husband needs to find out from you, not from him or a future friend or other friend of J.
BTW, my spouse had a similar experience, and tortured herself for years with fear, she still doesn't know what happened to her but her antidepressants probably played a role.
Dealing with the problem is difficult, fear is the problem.
Yes, your husband might be able to forgive this. Perhaps he will not. However, you say he wasn't there for you, perhaps he wasn't there because he doesn't know as much about the problems you are having as you think he does. You must give him the chance to know what he will do, or will not do, and if you are hiding this from even your therapist then odds are overwhelming that you have hid a lot more than the affair from your husband.
Therapist First...
A
male
reader, CW_80 +, writes (27 October 2010):
Firstly I think that getting this off your chest in this way was absolutley the right thing to do. With regards to your situation I think that although "j" temporarily helped you through a difficult time in your life, he knew you were having pyschological issues and also that you were married so looking at it that way it seems to me that he was clearly the one in the wrong in this instance. I think that he has taken advantage of a vunerable woman who craved attention and the fact that he knew you were married and made the first move on you in his flat says it all. I realize that you think alot of this guy but ask yourself this. Before you began to have problems in your life what was your opinion of people who cheat? Not alot, as you said earlier. So would it be fair to say that if you were in a different state of mind that this would never of happened. I suspect so. What I would recommend as a course of action in this instance would be to first of all cut all contact with "j" and make sure you stick to it 100%. Tell him it was a mistake and you want to get your marriage back on track and delete his number so that you do not become tempted yourself. What you need in your life right now is stability from those you know you can trust and that genuinley have your best interests at heart. As for your husband, he will probably be feeling neglected too, although it's not your fault. What I would say is to re-assure him of your feelings towards him get him to open up to you and let you know that he still loves and cares for you and tell him that you know that things have been hard for you both but you want to try and rebuld your marriage but that you will need to support each other in the process. I don't really see any benefit at this point of tellling him of your affair. All it will do is affect his mental state confuse him and push him away. I think you desperatley need to re-build your relationship with your husband to bring back normality into your life. If you have a stable base then it's much easier to work on your problems. Don't beat yourself up over your affair and dont dwell on the past. Concentrate on the now and look towards the future. I really hope hat every thing works out well for you. Remeber life is a rollercoaster at times, at the minuite your on a low but it won't always be that way. Take care
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A
female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (27 October 2010):
 Don't go into hospital again unless you start feeling suicidal - it won't help if they are treating you for the wrong disorder. The treatment for bipolar disorder is different from unipolar depression - you need to see a consultant psychiatrist and explain your highs and lows. From what you write, your marriage is basically over. You have cheated on him and that might be repaired. However, you both seem to be very different people with different aims and ways of expressing yourself. You write as if you are terribly bored with him. I would say that you should leave your husband as a trial separation. Telling him about the affair may hurt him deeply and there doesn't seem much point - you are leaving him because you have drifted apart. As for J, I think the relationship may help you but merely as a distraction from your mental health issues. I think if this man makes you feel better then see him, but do the separation thing first. Don't expect J to be the happy ever after. He is just here right now as a bit of fun. You need to be honest with your therapist about what has been happening - frankly they will have heard it all before so don't be shy. But you also need to be careful not to get dependent on J as your sole contact in the outside world. It doesn't sound as if your medical condition has been particularly well-managed. I think you should be in touch with MIND as they have a very good support network which will get you out of the home and in touch with other people who have experienced distress. I think you should also go back to the doctor and explain how you are feeling. It can take years of trial and error to manage a complex mental health disorder. You shouldn't be expected to suffer in silence but psychiatric services are in so much demand in the UK that you really do have to push and fight your corner to get the treatment you need. I wish you the best of luck.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (27 October 2010):
 "So I suppose the right thing to do would be to come clean to my husband, cut contact with J and then just concentrate on therapy. But I am too scared to do anything. So everything is just hanging in the air and I am too depressed again to act. I have thought about going to a hospital for a while. But every option, every choice and decision seems to hard and too demanding."
I think you should surrender yourself to the therapy for now. Are you diagnosed as bipolar? And if so, why are you not taking the medication that would have been prescribed for you?
You know what the path to health and balance is, you just need to do the next step to it. Definitely end it with J, that's just part of the symptoms and a distraction, something you are clinging to, in order to avoid the confrontation you KNOW is going to happen.
You are unhealthy, you are not balanced, you are doing extremely self-destructive and hurtful things to yourself and those you say you love. What should you do?
Check yourself into that hospital and get yourself sorted out. Take those meds you know you are supposed to be taking. You have to put the metaphorical oxygen mask on yourself first, before you can deal with your marriage and your husband. J will just have to feel miserable, that goes with the territory when you have an affair with a married person, it wouldn't be anything unexpected, if he has half a functioning brain cell.
Call your therapist now and get on the path to healing, instead of continuing your self-destructive path that will harm everyone around you.
Good luck.
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