A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:First, a little background that could help with any advice givings. I ask that no one judges my actions as I already know that I screwed up and believe me, I am working hard to better everything again. My fiance has only ever been with one woman (me) and I have had two other men before he and I started dating. One of whom I wouldn't have counted if he didn't actually cum because sex with him lasted literally twenty seconds. It was pitiful. The following is pretty much a classic 'is the grass greener on the other side?' scenario.My fiance and I had been together for just over four years before we decided that a short term break would be the best thing for us at this juncture of our relationship. We are both quite frustrated with different habits of ours and think that this break will help us to 'figure ourselves out' and then we'll come back together stronger than ever. The major catalyst that set this in motion a year and a half ago in the first place was when I reconnected with an old high school flame. At the time, it was completely innocent and my fiance didn't care at all that we talked. But then we got engaged in January this year and everything was fine... for about a month.Me and my high school friend started an emotional affair this past March that lasted until just before my fourth anniversary with my fiance. My friend ceased communication before I even knew what I was doing and we didn't speak again for another month. When we proceeded talking, my fiance started going to a local bar more frequently. I felt like I was being neglected by my fiance as our sex life was dwindling and he would almost never talk to me anymore and he felt that I was talking far too much about the guy I was pretty much shootin' the shit with. I even showed my fiance the texts that we would send back and forth and he eventually told me that he just didn't care (aka, he didn't want to see it anymore). Then I took off my ring in mid-July and haven't put it back on since. At that point, we were definitely on a break and I was already starting to hurt. And then last Friday, I found out from my fiance that he got a random chick's number and that's when I knew this break was for real.Just to let you guys know, my fiance was fully encouraging me to kiss and sleep with my high school friend to 'get it out of my system'. He also started to feel that maybe this guy was the one for me and not him. I was straight up distraught by everything but his words made me curious. So, I hung out with this guy on Saturday night and we ended up making out a couple of times. They were literally the worst kisses I've ever experienced in my life. I was actually kind of disgusted with myself for feeling any emotion toward this guy because it wasn't just the kiss that turned me off from him. He's got extremely cold, small hands and he just did not smell like the man I wanted to be with. That may sound strange but that's how I felt. I also realize how incredibly selfish I sound right now and I was. I just didn't know how to stop it.My friend and I never went past kissing and I have ceased contact with him altogether. It's odd, though, that my fiance is actually decent friends with him and does want him to be at our wedding someday. I don't really know how to feel about that considering a lot of our friends know that this guy pretty much broke up one of the longest standing relationships in our circle of friends while claiming that he didn't want to be a homewrecker. But I have said to my fiance and everyone who knows about the situation that yes, I do take full responsibility for my actions, I know I f*cked up. But what's a woman to do when the man she's supposed to be able to rely on to take away her insecurities and fears is the one man who has no idea how to comfort her? And shuts down all emotion? And then proceeds to go to a bar all the time and ignore pretty much everything you do? I realize that I started this whole mess but I'm really trying hard.Anyway, I went to the bar that my fiance frequents and confessed everything to him the night my friend and I kissed. He was drunk off his ass and basically said, 'I will never hold this against you but we still need to do this. I love you and I have all the faith in the world that you and I will be together in the end, but right now, this needs to happen.' Well, the next couple of days, he completely ignored all of my texts and calls and then we finally had a chat on Wednesday. This chat immensely helped because I thought he had abandoned me suddenly and it turns out, he was just trying to figure out how to respond to my many texts. He's had every opportunity and right to be a dick to me about all of this, but he hasn't been, because he's a good guy and everyone knows it. I just made a mistake and my own guilty conscience is beating me up.Well, we laid out all the conditions of the break like we should've done in the first place and because I basically got a free pass to make out with this other guy, he's got a free pass to do the same with any chick he chooses. 'Eye for an eye', I guess. Which I don't really have any issue with because I did it, he should be able to do it. That's not a big deal to me anymore. But I want to do something monumental FOR HIM and FOR US. It's taken me over four years, a nearly broken engagement, and me making out with another guy to realize that I kind of want to give my fiance his ultimate fantasy: two girls giving him a blow job at the same time. My fiance always told me that I can choose the girl because he wants ME to be okay with her touching my man. I've already picked the girl that I want to ask, a girl that I've become good friends with and someone who doesn't seem like she would be opposed to something like this.My question is: is a threesome worth it? My fiance knows I like to be in control of a situation (which is why this whole thing has just been crazy for me) and has given me full reign of choosing the girl we do this with. Probably because he knows I'm not going to pick someone disgusting.
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a break, affair, anniversary, blow-job, broke up, drunk, engaged, fiance, I love you, kissing, sex life, text, threesome, wedding Reply to this Question
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (12 October 2014):
 I say go for it. It's not like things can get worse, and the way I see it, you've come to the point of either all or nothing. Go all the way, try everything imaginable to "fix" this relationship. See if it can float again. Maybe it will. But if you don't try things, commit, show/declare your love for one another in a grand gesture, and keep at it for as long as it takes... I think, with all the troubled history, that this is the end. You're holding on to the last straw here. Grab it and see if you can salvage things. I don't see why not. If it fails, at least you can say you tried and got a new experience.
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (12 October 2014):
 At the end, the issue that you had different habits split you up and they are never resolved. Now you created more issues regarding trust and evening the score. You may feel that by giving him the ultimate fantasy he will be satisfied and go forward with the marriage. It's not so simple. A person wants to date and have the experience of being with others to know the one they are with is the one. A threesome is a controlled environment that does not last long.
The first problem I see is that he just didn't want to get married. He stopped trying long time ago. You should save yourself embarrassment and also humiliating yourself to get what you want. He is with you because as long as you are negotiating with him, he gets the power and maybe more arrangements like this. He wins when he scores but not having to commit and learn how to emotionally commit to a woman. Whenever your boyfriend tells you to try it out with someone else. It's not a test, or giving you a freedom pass. It's basically the end. He knows the relationship is not going anywhere but he enjoys the attention you are giving him, such as the many texts, and your attempts to make it work.
In general, a threesome does not save a marriage or anything long term monogamous. It's even worse when the relationship is crumbling by itself.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan  +, writes (12 October 2014):
I can’t believe you are being quite so ridiculous, immature and utterly deluded. You ask not to be judged, and I don’t say harsh things like that routinely, but I can hardly believe what I’m reading. I think you need to be judged and have a few home truths pointed out, so with honourable motives of genuinely trying to help you fix this, I will proceed.
You have the most shallow, point-scoring approach to relationships I think I’ve ever come across. Rarely have I been quite so stunned by a post as this one. Why? Because if you really wanted this relationship to work, and if it were really based on love and not just sex, you wouldn’t have thought that the way to put things right was to let him do what he wants with another girl to even things out after your mistake. You’d tell him you regretted the mistake, you’d tell him you didn’t want to be on a break any more (a lesson to everyone here-these breaks are a daft idea that don’t resolve anything), and you’d ask him to give the relationship another go. You’d talk about what went wrong, you’d agree how to put it right. I’d suggest that you didn’t communicate your frustrations enough to each other early on, that he probably wasn’t as comfortable with your former flame coming back on the scene as he made out but failed to tell you, and that basically neither of you are really comfortable with a third party coming in to your relationship, whether it’s your former flame or some girl in a bar who gives him her number. You’d agree that you both love each other, and want each other enough, to commit to being faithful and that if you can’t, it’s best to move on. Instead, what you want to do is bring some-one else yet again in to the relationship, this time right in to your bedroom. There is a good reason why fantasies like that should stay fantasies. You might say you’re comfortable with it, but you fail to convince me. After all, you reacted to his getting another girls number by kissing some-one else, which was an emotional reaction and has now left you consumed with guilt and regret. If you were really so keen on fulfilling his fantasy, you’d have done it when he first suggested it. Instead, you’re treating it as a fix for the relationship, something you can just allow to happen because it makes your man happy. Actually I think it would probably destroy your relationship and possibly a friendship with the girl you’ve picked too. You said in your post that you had been selfish, but actually I think you don’t deserve to be eaten up with guilt by what you did as you’ve been very frank about your regrets, but you did it because you’re just naively trying anything but having a hard and difficult conversation with him, to keep things going. Unfortunately you won’t succeed by any other means. What I’ve suggested you should do, will give you the best chance of judging whether this relationship really does have a future or not, and if it does, on making things better. I don’t think there’s enough genuine love or understanding there from either of you, for you to do that. Both of you don’t fight for the relationship but go running to other people. So I doubt you’ll follow my advice and get things back on track. I’d love to receive a message or follow-up in 3 months telling me I’m wrong, because I’d like to be, but I think you’ve got some serious growing up to do, and questioning of how much you really love, and can be faithful to, this man. Good luck, you’ll both need it.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
male
reader, TrancedRhythmEar  +, writes (12 October 2014):
 It appears both of you want something serious right now and threesomes are casual. It could damage things.
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