A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am legally separated from my husband and will be going to be divorced soon.I have made plenty of friends online for the last 3 years. One of them, a guy and I have become quite close. We have been chatting on skype for 2 weeks. There was a lot of chemistry between us. He teases me a lot, calls me nick names, makes me laugh and was very caring. I became emotionally attached to him (mistake no 1, for me). He is coming to my country for business purposes in January. He told me to see the trip as if he is coming to see me and not for business. He wants me to spend time with him for 7 days (except nights as I want to be with my kids). I saw the excitement in his face when he got the dates. I was really into him by then. (His idea of spending time with him is talking at cafes, shopping and visiting places, that was what he told me)Then one day, the conversation between us became bad. We were talking everyday, so I ask him, if we were already talking everyday now, what we were going to talk about when we meet? I asked him that because he said he wanted to go shopping, visit places and spent time talking to me when he is here. So I jokingly said to him that I can sent my maid to take care of him when he is here. (My maid is one reason why I have separated from my husband and he knows). Immediately I could sense his mood changed. He said he doesn't need anyone to take care of him, he can do that himself. He can shop at his own country etc. Our conversation was going bad, so to cool him down I said, love you dear, don't be mad. He replied, don't love him as he is a bad guy.So I said I like bad guys. Then I ask him why was he trying to hurt my feelings. He said if you think this was hurtful, then you don't know what hurt is. Then he said bye and he has a lot of work to do. ( I know I was in the wrong for making the joke about him and the maid but I was really hurt with his reaction).Before the fight, he told me he would be out of town on Monday and we could talk on Friday. The fight happened on Thursday. I waited on skype for him on Friday, but he did not sign in. I found him in one of the chat sites, talking to a girl that he has known longer than me. They always flirt with each other online in the chatrooms (they are known as online bf and gf by other users but both claim that they are only good friends when ask) and I have seen them talking in that manner when we were only friends. So i thought he wanted time on his own. I left it at that. On Sunday, I sent him an apology email for hurting his feelings (also telling him not to misunderstand the word love that I used as it is love between friends) , no reply from him at all. Then on Monday, I noticed he was not out of town, he was again in the chat room, Tuesday, he was not in, Wednesday and Thursday he was in the chatroom. So i smsed him 2 jokes and he replied the jokes with another joke. Now come mistake no 3, I told him why did he lie to me about being out of town when he was in the chatroom talking on Monday. He replied, he can get internet connection anywhere. I know he was lying because I could see from his cam in the chatroom that he was in his office. However, I said, he could still at least take a minute to say hi to me on skype. He did not reply to that sms. I just left it as that and on Saturday he smsed me that he was out of town and will talk to me on Monday.Monday came and I went to the chatroom to catch up with old friends and his online girl friend came to talk to me and we had fun joking etc.Everyone noticed that HE came in and left when he saw me with the girl in the chatroom. I felt so hurt and I told the girl, I better leave as I do not want to make him uncomfortable, and I left. I then smsed him and said, I am sorry to be in the chatroom, he can be there now as I have left. He replied my sms by saying that I do not have to be sarcastic every time and he will do whatever he wants. I replied that I was sincere and I agreed that he could do anything he likes and I apologized for intruding in his life. On Wednesday, I smsed him to talk to me on skype to clear the air and say our goodbye as I felt that he is no longer interested in me. He replied "Goodbye??? Giving Up??? I am a little busy now, can't talk to you". I replied that I am not a person who gives up at all but a relationship needs two people to make it work. Besides I hate making him upset all the time, so what does he want me to do?? He did not reply, as usual. By Friday, I was really heartbroken as I saw how he was talking to the same girl online (My insecurity crept in by then). Later in the evening, I smsed him to talk to me because I was really distracted by what had happened and can't get my work done. He said okay let's talk.So when we went on skype, I asked him what has happened??? He said he just needed some time. So I said he should just email me or tell me that because I am not a young girl that he needs to be protected from being hurt as I can understand. I explained to him that I prefer to know the truth than being lied to. He said okay, he gets it. Anyway, I ask him if he still wants me to be his friend. I also said that he has the choice to end it too. He said YES HE STILL WANTS ME TO BE HIS FRIEND. But I felt deep down in my core that something was not right. Before we took leave, he said he will talk to me the next day. The next day, i went to another chat site as I wanted him to have his space. Anyway, he found me and he was also signed in to the other chatsite. Now mistake no 4, I ask him where is his gf, he said she has not sign in yet. and I told him that I did not know she was his gf cause he said she was his friend. He replied she became his gf the moment I ask. I said ok. He also told me that I could get any guys I want and why I still wanted to be his friend when he treated me badly. I replied that I must be stupid but the heart likes who it likes. Later I ask him if he prefer me to like all these other guys than him, he answered me by saying that for a silly question he is going to give a silly answer which is yes. But the moment the other girl signed in the other chat site, he was concentrating only on the chat site she was in, so I left after sometime. He did not notice either. Then after having a nap, about 2 hours later, I just smsed him a funny saying. He laughed and asked me to come to talk on skype, so I did.(Should have said NO). Again the conversation was not like before. I told him so and I said I felt like I am walking on egg shells when talking to him. He asked me to breath deeply and relax. After a few minutes, I lied and said that I needed to go as something came up. He said okay and he will talk to me the next day.The next day, I did not go online at all. However, the following day, as I was checking my skype, I accidentally logged in the same time he did. I had no choice but to say hi. He said that he was online the day before but he could not find me. I said I was busy. He told me he saw me earlier on, a few minutes before coming to skype, at the other chatsite talking to my friends but left cause he had to attend a call. I said yes I was. I realized he was still not his usual self , he was not making jokes or calling me names, basically he was not what he was before. He was not making conversation at all. We were talking about how other chatters always see me as a kind person which he agreed. And we talked about him saying I still wanted to be his friend when he treated me bad. I said the effect (he treating me bad) must be due the the cause (me). He agreed with me. I also realised that he just answered yes, no, good, basically a word answer during the conversation. Sometimes there was no respond too, such as when I said I miss talking to you. He was silent and I laughed and say why he did not answer. He asked in a very serious manner what I expected him to say. (Usually he will say he missed me too but now that I am online he is not). So I say maybe a thank you would be nice. He then said thank you. He even agreed he was a player (cannot remember how the topic came up) when previously he would say he is not that kind of person. He then admitted that he grabs any girls that passes near him (which I know is untrue). I kept my cool and just laughed everything off. However, he was still very polite such as excusing himself to answer phone calls, apologizing if he made me wait too long. I decided that since I was not comfortable with the conversation I needed to leave, so before I took my leave, I told him that he was NOT his usual self around me. He remained silent. Then I bade farewell and tell him to have a good weekend, he too said bye and asked me to have a good weekend too. (From the time he was chatting with me, he was also chatting in the chatsite, doing his work and answering his phone calls). I was very hurt and decided that this is it. I made sure that I do not blame him in anyway for what I was feeling when I smsed him this time. I told him to be just himself when he talks to me. I also said that I have put all the effort I can to make the conversation lively, and funny but it did not work. I continued by telling him that I was sad that he was sweet to other chatters but he was so impersonal and formal with me therefore making me scared of him. And lastly that I have no one else but myself to blame for driving him away. I apologize if my sms spoilt his day and hope he had a great weekend. I did not expect any reply from him. I cried my heart out in my car. However, he replied my sms asking me to have a great weekend too.Even though with all these going on, he still wants to meet me when he is here in January. I asked him if he still wanted to meet me and he said that the plan has not changed. I wanted to make his stay memorable so I asked him if he wanted to go anywhere special so that I can plan. He told me that besides shopping and eating at one particular restaurant and a dinner with his business partners, he does not want anything be planned and just go with the flow. And he said he believes that I will take good care of him.I am a very attractive women who can get any man interested but I have problems with getting the man I want because I know I am too suffocating to be with and needy and aggressive. I am trying to change to be a better woman. The problem is I do not know if this guy deserve me, or should I meet him when he is down here. Besides, I am confused as to why he still wants me to be his friend when he is keeping a distance from me. He could have agreed to end the relationship as he knows that I like the truth than be misled. Makes no sense to want a friendship and then be aloof. I have known of a guy friend who took nearly a month to speak to me after a misunderstanding. I never knew guys are complicated. Some of my guy friends say he is a player and I should not meet him.He has never post anything on facebook before, however, since our fight, he has posted 2 statements such With YAM Now(i don't know who that is) where many girls made comments included the girl he is very close with and from the comments I gather YAM must be her as she said she will kick him if he gives the wrong answer when she asks him and Missing my YAM already. He also posted a pic of him drinking a shot of alcohol. I never asked him about all these. I have since deleted him as my facebook friend.I have decided that I am not going to contact him anymore cause he knows how to get in touch of me. I am not sure if I should meet him but I feel guilty as I promise him that I would like to meet him. I am also wondering if he is using me but deep down I feel he is not cause actually he does not need me to bring him around my city, he is capable of doing it himself and has his business partners to help him (but I may be wrong).I know I am at wrong for what had happened and making the situation worse. P/S: When I see him in the chatroom with the other girl, he does not know I am there as I am using anotherID but I am not doing that anymore cause it is not worth it. Before we fought, when ever I was unhappy about something, I would sms to let him know. He will never respond but he will make an effort to do what I like. When he does, I always tell him that I appreciate what he did and am touched. I always give positive reinforcement.
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chat room, divorce, facebook, flirt, heartbroken, player Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone for your feedback. Appreciate that you all took time to give me your opinions.
olderthandirt, I do agree with you and definitely will heed the advice given.
Atsweet1, thanks for your feedback. However, let me make it clear that he was not a piece of fruit that pick out from a basket. We have known each other for 3 years. We were initially just online friends. He definitely had the characteristic of a man I was looking for. However, I believe the interest he had for me initially is no longer there. Anyway, if you feel so annoyed with my problem is best to not give any comments as you are rather impolite. Maybe you should not be giving out advice if you do not know how to phrase your words and sentences such as Chinana and olderthandirt.
Last, to the anonymous female reader, firstly, you don't have to shout. Again let me stressed that I have known him as an online friend for 3 years and we have spoken on skype and ym. The dynamics of the relationship just changed for that 2 weeks. I decided to use another ID as I noticed that he will not join in the conversation if I am there. Before this, we (meaning he and I) always chatted too in the chatroom with that particular lady. Maybe YOU should read carefully what I have written. It was SHE who approached me that particular day. I was not at all looking for her. I was busy chatting with other people. Anyway, that lady and I both know each other well. She, herself, is married with 2 kids. Therefore, when he disappeared twice when i was online (the first time he did that, I was not bothered), it tells me something was not right. So I had to investigate why he did that so that I do not make baseless assumptions or get upset unnecessarily. This is not about the issue of maturity. I agree that I have to slow down on how things were going but when feelings are involved, usually, you will not be able to think rationally. Hence I wrote my problem down and post it here to get opinions. And as you can see, I had a clearer picture of the situation when I myself read my own post. I know where I went wrong and I have even made my own decisions on what to do. So maybe instead of being very emotional in your respond, you need to learn how to advice people. You have no right to pass personal judgement about me because you do not know the whole situation, as such my post was already very long. Judgmental people should not get in the business of advising people. Sorry if I sound harsh and rude to you. It would be nice to know who you are instead of being anonymous because you are also hiding behind a mask.
Lastly, I am also now 3/4 through the book written by Dr. Seth Meyers and Katie Gilbert on "Dr. Seth's Love Prescription: Overcoming Relationship Repetition Syndrome and Find the Love You Deserve". It is a great book as I am on the road of reshaping my approach to relationship. I am feeling much better now.
Thank you everyone once again.
A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (9 December 2012):
 This is exactly why internet relationships will NOT ever work out. One person is predatory while the other (you) is nieve and trusting. I see only pain and broken promises evoling out of this. You remind me of a young asian girl I knew a long time ago that expected way more than I was ever able to provide. we both got hurt. It's not fair because life's not fair but I'd recomend you find a fsce to face relationship (not Skype) to move on with your life. i recognize that your soon'-to-be "freedom" is scary but you need to protect your feelings too , take heed and listen to the majority of our feedback 'cause it appears most of us have been there.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2012): From reading this post, YOU BOTH ARE TOO OLD FOR THIS. You've only skyped, SMS, chatted with this person for two weeks and you got deep feelings for him? That's a red flag on your part. At your age, you should know what makes for a healthy relationship and what doesn't. Slowing down for one thing. You admitted yourself that you're too old for the game playing and dishonesty. What do you call signing in under another ID and seeing what other women he was talking to online? Isn't that game playing and being dishonest? Plus you are insecure as well. Out of all people to chat in the chat room with, you pick the woman he chats with all the time? To me it looks like you had a motive. With all those factors in play, you don't need to be in a relationship right now. You still have some growing up to do.Don't get me wrong, he is just as immature. Getting upset over the little things. Not truly being honest with his feelings, insecure, and getting angry over you talking to his "friend". If there's nothing to hide, why get angry? I can understand him questioning you, there is no need to be angry if they are only friends, it is a chatroom.In my honest opinion, its too much immaturity, game playing, and insecurity going on. If this is you're true age, you're at least 5 years older than me and some of this crap I hadn't done since high school! Don't mean to rude I'm just saying! I hope this helps you to realize what you need and want and don't settle til you find it! Best of luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear chinana, thanks for your feedback and perspective. I absolutely agree with you and am moving forward. I have stopped all contact with him and have deleted all my accounts on the chat sites after the last SMS. I have also deleted his cell number. Thanks for being polite in your response.
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A
female
reader, Atsweet1  +, writes (9 December 2012):
 You made alot of online friends so why is he so special than the others. You dont know him and he dont know you. Why are you so hooked on him when he chats with other online women. Why do you care. He dont care he tells you to chat with the guys. For God sakes you in long distant living here he leaving else where.
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A
female
reader, chinana  +, writes (9 December 2012):
 Hey OP. Am sorry to have to say this but it just seems like this guy does not have the same level of interest as you do. He might have liked you before the maid joke but really that isnt something a mature person would take to heart. His attitude illustrates that he may not be that into you so just bow out honourably and forget about him. Stop writing all those e-mails and texting him apologising for your behaviour like chatting with his female friend online, have some dignity. However, truth be told though you are coming across as being a bit clingy and needy, the stalker-ish behaviour checking if he is online all the time and who he is chatting with thats a no-no kinda shows that you dont have a life. The sad thing about liking someone is that once the person you are interested in realises that you are more into them than they are into you, somehow they turn into 'artiful' dodgers. They avoid you because they dont want to be up front with you and tell you that they dont like you as much as you like them, they ignore your messages ect. Somehow it gives his ego a boost everytime you apologise for some of the most trivial things. The key here is just to move on and make more friends, like the saying goes there are plenty of fish in the sea and sooner or later you will find someone who does not treat you the way this man is treating you. Goodluck love.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionReading my post I think I will say aloud what is in my mind. I believe is best to just forget this guy as i know I deserve better. The playing mind games are so tiring for someone my age. If he has no guts to say aloud that he is not interested in me any longer and has no courage to even dissolve the relationship, then I think is best i just ignore him. I am definitely firm with my decision about not contacting him. If he comes here and needs me to bring him around, he need to get in touch with me. And if he does, I would be purely very formal with him. I am glad actually that I wrote down my problem in detail as it allowed me to be have a clearer perspective. It is definitely not worth pondering the reason for his actions. Anyway, I still welcome feedback and opinion. Thank you
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