A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I love my boyfriend who is 40 of 7 months but don't like aspects of his personality. He can be very sarcastic and make derogatory comments about my weight. I'm a size 12 Uk and run and ramble, bike on the Downs etc. He makes comments about women calling them Dykes and unattractive. He has a very fraught relationship with his mother too.Other times he can be thoughtful and accommodating but this side of him really grates on me. Sometimes I don't think he's a very nice person at all. I worry if I gain weight will he look down on me or see me in such a horrible light. He says he's always had a dry sense of humour and been sarcastic that's just him. I'm struggling with this. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2014): A uk twelve is actually a US eight @Cindycares.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2014): Since this isn't something you are comfortable with and since you aren't "in" on his thinly veiled "humor" I would confront him on all of this and tell him that you feel it is an attack on you and not funny at all. If he changes his ways completely I would see how it goes otherwise I would end the relationship.( I would probably just end it anyway and let him know why). He is insulting you directly which will never make for a healthy relationship. He has to be very insecure and angry to be constantly attacking other people he doesn't know as well as his mate. This isn't healthy behavior.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (14 March 2014):
 His "humor" is not dry. It's humorless.
I have a male friend who is a Brit and he has that very dry sense of humor that Americans don't always get... that's different than
HIDING behind a "dry sense" of humor as a way to INSULT and degrade women.
calling women dykes is not humor
degrading women is NOT humor
Size 12 UK is a size 10 American.. that's smaller than average... the average woman here is size 14...
this guy sounds like he hides his hate of women in general behind his idea of humor.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (14 March 2014):
 OP, that might be slightly off thread, but , if you are a size 12 UK, - how the heck can he find derogatory things to say about your weight, and why do you even take him seriously ?!.
Size 12 UK is an European 44 or an American 10,- it's a " wrong " size just for fashion runways, but IRL is not just a normal but in fact a perfect size. It means that you are slim but with some feminine curves in the right places. Who can find fault with a size 12 k, unless he/ she is an anorexic ?...
I am 5'2 1/2 ( 5' 3 if I stand very straight :) , and at times ( not very often, luckily women are " allowed " to be short )I got joking remarks about my height. Ok, whether it's nice or not to joke about height, I can see where the comment come from. But if I had been 5'7 , and been called shortie - I would have just thought the commenter had a mental disorder !
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A
male
reader, methuselah +, writes (14 March 2014):
Hi,
This is not nice behaviour. Sarcasm is linked to anger. It hits the target with nasty words that can upset people for years and lifetimes. I don't believe in the 'dry' humour excuse. You see, dry can be 'irony' and irony is different from the bad trait of sarcasm. The reference 'D' word to women is not nice either. If he says, 'it is just him', then so be it. But I wouldn't like to have someone with this personality trait.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2014): My suggestion. Dump him.
The question is, how desperate are you to have a man that you tolerate such crap?
He's too old to change his ways; and he has absolutely no respect for your feelings, or women in-general.
How much of it can you stand? My guess, is he's hanging by a thread as it is.
It's nice to have a man. Not if that man is a total A-hole; who can't distinguish an insult from a joke. Why doesn't his sense of humor include compliments?
You're better off alone and available for something better.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2014): For me it's the same as for you: I can't stand this kind of jokes.
But believe it or not I knew women who just don't care. I still don't understand ow they don't care when their husbands call them names regarding to their weight and so n, but I witnessed it not once that they just laughed of.
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A
female
reader, Keeley345 +, writes (13 March 2014):
He sounds like a narcissist. Google it and see how his behaviour is that of narcissism. Making fun of someone is unacceptable especially when it's about their body or looks. It's hurtful and damaging. Maybe he's been this nasty all his life or maybe just towards you. Maybe he's endured nastiness himself? No excuses for this behaviour! Dry sense of humour...lol what a poor excuse for what he's actually doing...insulting you.Stand up to him and make it clear you won't be treated like dirt. Hopefully this should work with constant reinforcement by you. But if he IS narcissistic, it won't. Don't be afraid to talk to other people about your feelings. Make them aware of how he hurts you with his 'humour'. Maybe they can help you too.A size 12uk is not overweight. Look after your physical and emotional health my dear and you'll live a long, prosperous life. Your partner is likely to live a miserable one forever. No one will want to be around him because of his comments/humour. Pity him and be grateful for your blessings and seek out happiness. You deserve it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2014): I'm like him, OP, utterly sarcastic. I make full on derogatory sounding jokes too but I don't mean them so it's fine and I know when and where it is acceptable to make such jokes, in other words only in front of people I know won't be offended and know me well enough to know I don't really think those things. My wife is the same, if you were to print off some of our sarcastic joke conversations and let someone read them out of context we'd probably be locked up.
To us they really are just jokes, we find challenging taboos hilarious and we utterly destroy each other too with the most vicious sounding come backs.
Unlike what people tell you it doesn't always mean that's what a person thinks, it can be humour too.
OP you and he just have different sense of humour and his offends you so it really isn't going to work out between you two, I know what it's like to be with a woman like you and have my humour. I'm careful not to cross boundaries at the start but once I get comfortable and feel they know me well enough then I start being myself. I just assume they know me well enough not to take it seriously or personally but some people just can't help but take it that way.
He can't change who he is, and you can't change who you are or how you respond emotionally to his humour so it's time to have a serious think about whether you can continue on. It's still only 7 months in, he's still probably holding back a lot and you'll just be more offended. I mean my wife has a little extra so I've called her every name you can imagine to do with weight, land whale, tubs etc. She thinks it's hilarious because I do my best to think up weird and funny ones, she then picks on my baldness, cue ball, testicle head etc. I even played to that once by buying a peach coloured snood and drawing a urethra opening on the top of my head and she couldn't look at me for the whole night without laughing her ass off.
My point is, he's not intentionally being a dick or trying to make you feel this way, but that also means it's not something he'll be able to stop doing and not feel like he's walking eggshells all the time.
OP you're struggling with something he can't change, time to think long and hard about whether you really can go on with a guy with such a vicious sense of humour, it's not for everyone and you can see by the responses here that some people take down right offence to those things. Sounds like you're the same.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (13 March 2014):
 Do the bad aspects of his offset the good aspects?
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (13 March 2014):
 I wonder if he would celebrate your "dry" humor if you started making derogatory comments about the inadequacy and small size of his penis, or if you commented that he's so bad in bed that even a prostitute couldn't be paid to pretend to like it.
I'm guessing he wouldn't laugh.
Do you realize he's controlling you? Talking about your weight and insulting the looks of other women is his way of putting you down over and over again. His relationship with his mother is irrelevant except that he has woman issues.
You let him because you feel guilty about your weight. He has you where he wants you. The more you stay with him, the less he'll pretend it's a "joke" and go from being passive aggressive towards you to outright verbal and emotional abuse.
This guy is not good for you.
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female
reader, Ciar  + ♥, writes (13 March 2014):
 If it were humour you'd both be laughing.
Clearly he has some issues with women, but he's also a coward. He makes a barbed comment but when called up on it he hides behind 'I was just joking'.
Honestly, life is hard enough without taxing yourself further by wasting it with this one. Find one who is already toilet trained.
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female
reader, person12345 +, writes (13 March 2014):
 Lots of guys do this, it's just misogyny pure and simple. They make some horribly sexist comment "look at those dykes" and then when you get offended they go "geez why can't you take a joke!" as though you are the one at fault. You're not, he is. He's just sexist. Sexism, meaning he views you lesser than him because you've got a vagina. Why stay with someone who thinks he's better than you?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (13 March 2014):
 Gah... Sorry for the typos!
It should have read "it shows a lot more then they THINK."
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (13 March 2014):
I agree with Auntie Em.
It's like when people use the word "retard" for dumb things or "gay" for things they don't agree with, "dyke" for a woman who either turn then down or doesn't conform to their idea of how a woman should behave. It's a not so veiled insult that shows a lot more then they thing.
IT IS NOT humor.
Sarcasm, irony, "dry" humor are usually play on words, it's about using your brains and knowledge to make it work, AND to "get" the joke/fun. It's not about calling some women dykes.
Your "man" is using these veiled insults to not only show his lack of respect for women (might be due to his relationship with his mother as you mention), but also what you have in store. He won't stop that kind of behavior. He is OLD enough to know better, but CHOOSES not to, because he feels entitled to put others down to make HIM feel better. He will do that to you in a heartbeat too. He already is, with your weight. This is a way of controlling you. And you know what? It works. You are now worried you can't "keep" him if you gain weight. Which means YOU are starting to believe the bull crap he spews out. You stop being you, and become a person who exist to PLEASE this guy.
He can be thoughtful and accommodating.... I bet he can, when it SUITS him.
Can you imagine this man around your family and friends? Can you imagine BEING with him 5 years from now?
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (13 March 2014):
 The key to your submittals is in your own words. To wit:
"...Sometimes I don't think he's a very nice person at all. "
You are spot-on.... EXCEPT that you don't realize that he's ALWAYS "not a nice person." He keeps it under wraps, mostly.... but, then, opens his mouth and lets spill out "the real him."
I suggest you dump him, and kiss off these 7 months as an interesting experience in learning just how cunning men can be...
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (13 March 2014):
 To be honest, a lot of blokes still really enjoy making really sexist degrogatory comments and pass it off as humour, most people can see it for what it is and the bottom line is that such men are just morons who feel entitled to their views(which they are) but veil it in humour so they don't look like idiots...but everyone can see they are idiots anyway!!...see, it goes round and round! They tend to fuel eachother and it's the pack mentality. Women do this too, to some degree.
You stay because you think it's love, you probably don't want to be on your own in your late 30's and you think he might change...he won't.
If he means that much to you, then you could ask him to stop making comments...he won't because he enjoys being a turd and doesn't really care enough about you to spare your feelings. If you gain weight he will either:
Accept you (small percent)
Dump you (Slightly higher percent)
Stay with you and continue his barrage of veiled insults to intimidate you to do what he wants. He will either just expect you to put up with him (cos you have thusfar) or emotionally toment you until you decide to do what you should have done in the first place...dump him!
Sorry to be so blunt but if you choose to stay with an abusive man, you pretty much sign up for the whole bag of tricks!
Good luck x
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