A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:hey, my partner sits on her phone all day does the odd chore round the house i mean when one of the babies does a dirty nappy she doesnt get down to cleaning it up she tells me babies pood so i end up doing it and been like that for years im a stay at home dad to 4 kids i have no friends no social life only go out to the shop when needed but my partner works at night in a pub she has friends she goes out with the ladies once a week, this is how its been for the last 7 years but yesterday i snapped im getting sick of been told what todo so i told her im done its over but i dont want us to finish i want things to change i have spoken to her about all the issues but nothing happens now ive said its over theres no emotion from her side no fight to want me so now im thinking she doesnt love or want me im just here to clean the house everyday and to babysit our kids while she does what she wants. should i just walk away from this am i been used? Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2017): Working nights- I am pretty sure she is fairly exhausted by doing this, and probably feels resentment that you just get to sit with the kids all day, and get a nice good sleep at nights (not necessarily how it actually is but she will naturally see it this way). She asks you to change the diapers because she is exhausted serving drinks/tables at night. You are a stay at home dad as you say, so she sees that as YOUR work to pitch in. If you aren't bringing home an income that is the way YOU contribute to the household, by letting her save her energy for working. Hence why "stay-at-home dad/mom" can almost be a job title, and people say it should be thought of as a job. It is a lot of work. But you have chosen it as your contribution. Now I am not saying she is blameless, she should show an interest in her own children, but I think there are two sides to this story you need to consider. And why on earth would you have FOUR children when you didn't like her parenting style...you should have tested your parenting abilities with one or two kids. I don't think either of you are very mature or you would have been more cautious.
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (22 July 2017):
 You (both) having sex caused this problem and she's getting everything she wants, so I suggest you stop.
You're not babysitting your kids, you're parenting. Your word choice is poor and shows how you actually feel about your children and role a single a father. To change that, you need to tell her your kids are going into daycare because you're getting a job (get offered one first). Start off with a part-time one, if necessary.
You chose to have multiple children with a woman who is barely a mother, so it's not surprising that this is the result.
Get a job, get the kids in daycare, stop thinking of it as babysitting and tell her you've had enough. No ultimatums, just prepare to fix what you can (i.e getting a job) and leave her when you're stable enough to take the kids. Whether you leave or not, you'll still be the one looking after them because she's not a responsible mother.
...............................
A
female
reader, Ciar  + ♥, writes (21 July 2017):
 I'm afraid I can only confirm your suspicions, that yes, she is using you as a maid, cook and babysitter.
Instead of grand declaration and ultimatums, which haven't worked. I suggest you start slowly preparing for a life without her.
Many family lawyers will offer a free first consultation or first half hour free or something so have some questions ready. Find out exactly what your rights and responsibilities are.
I suggest opening up a safe deposit box at your bank, or perhaps the post office has them. Gather up digital copies of family photos, documents etc. Start squirrelling away whatever money you can in a separate account she doesn't know about. That sort of thing. It should go without saying that you don't inform your wife about.
While you're doing this set aside time for yourself to do the things you enjoy doing. Read a book, listen to music, watch old movies, get in shape. Big changes start with small changes.
You might find that after doing the above and re-investing some time and energy on yourself you become more interesting to your wife and you improve your bargaining position or you're in a better position to move on.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2017): Get a job...Put the kids in daycare even if it takes your whole check.You are not happy being a stay home dad.Read your letter again.It is plain as day.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionlook i no i have to look after the kids and i do a damn good job of it im not complaing about that as much but just cuz she works she still has to take part in looking after them and give me a break, my dad was the same he had 8 kids to look after while my mum went out to pubs and my dad in the end ran away then died and i feel like running im not gunna lie but i dont wanna do that cuz i no how it feels. i tell her how i feel but nothin happens if we argue about this we end up making up by night and we have sex then its back to me doin it all again, plus she does threaten to go with other guys so while shes at work shes gunna be with other guys that does show her alot off attention and she tells me so i feel asif i step out ofline she nos she has guys to fall on.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2017): You have a right to demand respect, but you don't have a right to complain about taking care of your own children.
Who's choice was it to reverse roles, and you be the stay-at-home dad?
Well, your role is childcare and housekeeping. Hers is primarily earning the money to pay the bills. Why would you not be regularly checking the babies' diapers for changing? Why must you be told in the first place? It's automatic. Mainly one of your fatherly responsibilities. Yes, she can change a diaper...but you should ask her nicely. You do deserve a break and a night out. If you don't put your foot down and declare it, she assumes you are content just sitting around the house with the kids.
If you want to go out, wouldn't it be best to discuss that you really want to get a job? So you can contribute financially and feel more independence.
You're wallowing in self-pity; when the answer is getting a job. Bar-tending can bring in good money for a one person, but it doesn't really take care of a whole family. I agree, she is taking things a bit far by behaving like a guy stereo-typically behaves, when he takes a woman for granted.
Trust me, her friends are encouraging her behavior; and she's acting out on it. Just like us guys; women get together and talk crap. They rationalize reasons to treat their partners like dogsh*t! A rude awakening is always in order! You don't argue about it. You lay down the law. Keeping it in-mind, she's the bread-winner; and talk is cheap.
Inform her you are going to look for work. It's your decision and you don't need her permission. If you need childcare, you'll have to hire baby-sitters, pay for daycare, or find yourself a alternating-schedule. When she's home, you can work a different shift. What are grandparents for? Have you two alienated them out of your lives; so they wouldn't even step-in in a pinch?
If all else fails. Get a job, leave her, pay your child-support. Get your legal ducks in a row, for child-custody and visitation rights to see your kids.
You didn't call her your wife? So you gave your "partner" a couple of kids. Without paper to seal the deal, and to call her Mrs. Anonymous?
Well...you have given her just-cause to leave primary-care for the kids, you decided to have, with daddy!
...............................
A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (20 July 2017):
 "...are you being used?" Used for what; PARENTING!? I guess that makes most women on the planet "USED" doesn't it by their sit on the couch lazy hubbies?
You're taken for granted, exasperated, exhausted and to top it off you’re feeling unloved, unappreciated. You’re not alone in this plight; it sounds like many women across the world complain of the same thing, but they don’t think of pulling out, abandoning their children, where you threaten to.
Evidently this role reversal is a challenge for most men, as it does not come natural as in women. Yet just because you’re wearing the apron you’re also a male who still is in charge of the romance department.
If after 7 years this has been getting worse, it simply shows that neither of you had a plan in place to keep your intimacy, communication and family time a priority.
As suggested; go claim some personal time for yourself and spell it out, loud and clear to the Misses she needs to be more appreciative, participate in the rearing of children and get her knickers down once in awhile, not wear the pants in the family all the time! :)
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (20 July 2017):
 It's not "baby sitting" when they are YOUR children. It is "child rearing". Are you planning to walk away from your children as well as your partner? I assume your partner did not force you to have all these children, that this was a conscious decision on both your parts to bring these children into the world. What did you think they would do - rear themselves?
Having said all that, I can understand your frustration if your partner comes home and just chills while you have to run around after the children 24/7. This is how mothers the world over feel when their (bread winning) husbands don't lift a finger in the house. It is not fair.
Does she think you have it "easy" because you don't go out to work? Rearing children is not an easy task by any stretch of the imagination but it is one of the most important jobs you will ever have. These little lives depend on you and, tiring as it is, they NEED you to be there for them.
However, I am sure you could do with a break sometimes. In fact, you should really BOTH go out TOGETHER sometimes to reconnect. Can you arrange a baby sitter periodically and use this as a "date night" for the two of you to spend time without the children? Perhaps you could make a rule that you talk about anything BUT the children, so that you can be just YOU, not PARENTS?
For the sake of your children, you really should give this your best shot. Your children will never have another father. It sounds like you are bringing them up single handedly. How will they feel if you suddenly disappear from their lives? If you really can't make it work with your partner, then can you consider taking the children with you?
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (20 July 2017):
 I agree with Auntie BimBim here,
1. you are NOT babysitting as the kids are YOURS.
2. you have CHOSEN to be a stay at home dad and you have CHOSEN to have 4 kids.
How many kids go to school yet? None? 3?
I have been a stay at home mom for YEARS. (with 3 kids) My house is CLEAN. I do/did the housework while taking care of the kids. Learn to keep a tidy house while watching the kids. It can be done. It just means you pick an area and spend 20-30 minutes on that before taking a break with the kids and then moving on. You CAN watch, entertain and teach your kids WHILE having a neat house.
If she works 5 days a week, she should have 2 days off, correct? Well on THOSE (or just one of them to start) YOU get off your bum and leave the house. She can stay home and enjoy the kids, the cleaning and the cooking. If she works MORE than 5 days a week then have a bi-weekly day off.
Sunday used to be my day off. Not the most exciting day of the week but it gave me a break. I'd go to the library, go out to lunch with my friends, go to the park with a book or whatever. While my husband stayed at home and took care of the kids. Now he DIDN'T clean and there were definitely times I'd come home and the house was torn up (more like full of toys everywhere and dirty dishes) but that seemed like nothing to me as I had JUST had myself a nice little break.
You can obviously TALK to her about all these things, but if nothing happens you NEED to take action.
As for her sitting on her phone while one of the kids has a shitty diaper, TELL her when she brings it up that SHE can go change it. When you keep caving in and doing it then why should she do it? (not that the kids should sit in his/her soiled diaper but seriously... stop jumping when she says jump.)
Is daycare available/affordable for the kid(s) that are not in school so you can do a part time job perhaps?
Being a stay at home parent isn't fun but it IS a pretty important job. You are getting your kids ready for school and life.
If you two can't make this work then WHY stay together? Well, you two decided to make 4!! babies together! If you had no kids it would be "easy" to just toss in the towel but 4! that is QUITE a responsibility. And you TWO grown ass people need to make things work either TOGETHER or separately FOR THE kids. You can't just fart off because you are tired of responsibility! PUT your kids first, man! Can YOU AFFORD to live on your own with 4 kids? Can the TWO of you (living separately) make something WORK where the KIDS are the priority? Because they SHOULD be.
If she ISN'T contributing to the family, KICK her out.
...............................
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (20 July 2017):
 A lot of stay at home parents feel the way you do. Don't get enough support from the working partner, don't get enough social time.
Usually there are suggestions of chore charts, dividing house responsibilities, regular date nights. Even suggestions of ultimatums like you issued. My suggestion is a little different.
I'd suggest that you wait it out. You have one baby still in diapers so in 5 years or less all 4 kids will be in school and you will be free to take on a part time or full time day Job. Until then add in a date night and see if you can negotiate a no phone time period each day. You will want to schedule a Vasectomy right away, no use adding another 6 years to the wait.
I know that your worry is the lack of emotion or change on her part. I think that the best way a man can get more attention from his partner, is to be more attractive. Not more demanding. You invite her to dates. You dress nicely, work out regularly. Take care of the grooming. And she will stop taking you for granted. One way to be more attractive is to have a solid plan that you are working towards. No more babies, so I can get a job, so Vasectomy right away. Then training and prep for that job. A solid date when kids will be in school, and you will be working.
...............................
A
female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (20 July 2017):
 As much as it may suck to be in the situation you're in, I don't understand how you ended up there. Could you not find work? What happened? That may help us better understand your situation if we know a little bit more about how you ended up here.
You have to realise that you're a stay at home dad, not to please her, but to raise your kids. I mean, someone has to do it.
I know that you must be feeling underappreciated and I also feel that you're being taken advantage of in the same breath but that's what often happens in today's world when someone has to play housewife or househusband. More often than not the breadwinner starts treating the stay at home person as if everything to do with the kids and household is their job because after all, the breadwinner gets through his/her job without asking you for any help... I understand it. I do not condone it, but, I understand it nonetheless.
Put yourself in her shoes for a second. She probably feels like it isn't her job to finance the lifestyle that a grown man wants to live so for that I suggest that you at least look into getting a part time job.
I also think that she should pitch in around the house and with the kids too because right now she isn't treating you as an equal, she's treating you like a free maid which in my opinion is utter garbage. Perhaps you should have a firm discussion with her about how you feel. Be firm and stand your ground. If you know that you would never treat her the same way if the roles were reversed then I suggest that you bring that up. If she gets her own night, you should too, where she gets the kids or otherwise, have your nights out on the same night and hire a babysitter if the finances allow for it. You deserve to have a break and you deserve to have some fun because with being cooped up all day with 4 kids to look after and a household to run, you were bound to lose your mind sooner or later.
Just speak to her and see how it goes. If she is passive or unfeeling then leaving her would be in your best interest.
If it ever comes to that, do not forget to still maintain a healthy relationship with the kids. They will need all the love and support from you that they're used to.
Good luck Op, I hope it all works out.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2017): Wow this is interesting. Look mate speaking guy to guy, don't waste your life sitting at home. believe me you will regret it in later years when they pass and you look back and see that you have not achieved anything,you have not traveled places,you don,t have money,you don't have a position in the society, and you don't have social life. You will feel you are a loser and nothing and you will have no respect for your self. It is really pathatic and sad. My advice go out and find work come what may and do your goddam best to be good at it then sit with the missus and make arrangments for how and who to look after the kids.
...............................
A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (20 July 2017):
My opinion is that when the working person is at work, you're in charge of everything kid related, that is your job. When they get home, you're both off and it's time to parent equally. If her job is done while the kids are in bed that's a slightly different story, but the fact remains that there should be equal parenting after considering both people's work load.
The truth is, you are absolutely being used. So am I, and a lot of other people. My wife is no longer with me because she likes me, she's with me to help raise the kids.
What's the solution? Maybe counseling... Hell if I know! But if she doesn't care about your happiness and is unwilling to work on things, maybe it's too late for counseling.
...............................
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (20 July 2017):
 You are NOT BABYSITTING you are parenting your children. What other income is there for the family besides your partner's earnings from the pub?
Is there a reason why you are not looking for a part time job?
Are you totally supported by your partner?
Has there been a discussion about the division of work?
Have you actually told your partner what changes you want made within the relationship?
Are you putting forward ideas on how thing could change?
What are you going to do if you walk away? Who will care for your children then? Will you get work to support yourself or do you need to do some training. How will you be able to afford somewhere to live if your partner is the one working and bringing in an income? Have you thought about any of these questions to start with?
The first solution that came to mind was that you tell her to leave and continue cleaning house and caring for your children as you do now. Your partner could then sit around playing on her phone to her heart's content, and you wouldn't have anybody telling you what to do.
...............................
|
