A
male
age
41-50,
*heQuietMan
writes:Okay, this is going to be a long story as it requires as much information as I know about the situation to even begin comprehending this, so grab a drink, and settle in a minute. I am going to try to keep my identity anonymous so forgive me, but here it goes...My wife and I are musicians, I am the producer/composer and owner of the record label she works for and she is my star musician. This public view further complicates things. There is an insurmountable level of stress and anxiety in our relationship because of our celebrity status. Sometimes, I have to focus more on my duty as a producer than I can on my duty as a husband (i.e. having to choose someone to fill a concert position or tour other than my wife, who may want it as well, but I must choose what is best for the business and my family at the same time), I don't like doing this and wish at times I could avoid it, but alas, tis life... We also have 4 children, three are previously hers and one previously my own. None with one another though, I want one, but I don't believe she does.Our backgrounds are both wavy as well. Basically, we are both damaged goods. I come from a screwy home, my parents are drug addicts, I went through a massive amount of abuse, and my parents were never there for me. I became a dealer at 12 years old, an addict by 13, started my own gang at 14, and had over a million dollars pass through my hands, wrecked 3 tricked out muscle cars, survived two gang related wars, and was arrested several times, and jailed once before my high school graduation. In that time I also raised two brothers. I honestly don't know how I did it all. When I was 18 I left and lived in Miami Florida, for almost 7 years (to straighten my life out) prior to my return to the New York area. When I got back, (I was on military leave for Christmas) I was almost robbed at a mall on December 21st, 2003. The assailant made the mistake of taking his eyes off me though when he had a gun in my face, and I didn't like that much so I nailed him about a dozen times in the head with it... That landed me with a 9 month stay in a psychiatric hospital. Just some background info.My wife came from a completely different yet similar family. She was white collared, came from a hard-working, always strive for excellence, never accept less, family. Ironically, just as my parents were unavailable due to drunken, or otherwise self-induced stupors, her parents were unavailable because they were steadily monitoring their stocks and balancing their checkbooks. She got involved with the wrong kind of people for the sake of excitement and novelty. Where she only stole handbags and jewelry from the local malls, I boosted Mercedes Benzes. She tried some drugs here and there and was hooked on coke for a year, I sold kilos and threw parties that costed thousands of dollars. She and I both suffered a year of homelessness as well (let me tell you, there is nothing worse than falling asleep in a warm rain and waking up in the snow... I was certainly worse but you see the similarities in the background.Both of us have had mostly terrible previous relationships. We have both been abused significantly by our "others," been robbed and let down by family and friends (as a commonplace occurrence), been cheated on multiple times, and we have both had a relationship with multiple "cheating occurrences" with the same partner that we kept on "taking em back." With that all said; I can begin...For about the past year now my wife has had this obviously undaunted suspicion that I am being unfaithful to her. Her first request to remedy this was that I stop communicating with an ex (and also best friend of mine) that she felt threatened by. I wasn't allowed to contact the ex and tell her, so I stopped communicating. About a month later, the ex sent a friend request to my Facebook account. Again, we are artists, and have thousands of friends on all our social networks. People seek us out. Well, I hadn't been on in a week or so and decided to check up on my Facebook. I had a good 100+ friend requests. As always, I approved them all straight down the line and forgot about it immediately, updated my status, and went on to other things. The next day I am in the studio and my cell starts going nuts while I am with a client. (These people were paying upwards of $300/hr for my services and my DJs/engineers) I eventually excused myself when I had seen it was my wife. I thought there was some form of emergency. It was, for me... The only way I can think that it happened was that day I approved all those requests, but anyway, the ex found me on Facebook, and since she had made several attempts to contact me and I hadn't responded (because her phone number was blocked, so were all her emails and social accounts), she was worried that she did something wrong, and she was trying to get a hold of me to send us our wedding gift also... Well, my wife sifted through the alerts and found the ex's name on the list and went ballistic (another thing, with her, I am always lying, though this is based upon nothing, it's not like I have a history of lying to her, her most recent ex did, and I try to deal with it the best I can and accept her flaws), she began hurdling accusations my way and I had no clue what she was talking about, which I also understand that it makes it seem like I am playing stupid right now, only thing is that I wasn't playing. Well, I dealt with it the only way I knew how and contacted the ex, explained the situation, and ceased all contact. A new no ex-contact rule was enacted against me, but 'que serra' ya know? It seemed like it was working well until...One day I was (again) at the studio, the wife sends me a text asking me who Witty is? I responded that I didn't know, caught off guard and having no clue where this random question came from. She says, "You ought to know! You asked her for her phone number and she wants you to call her "A.S.A.P. so you can kick it!" It turns out she went to login to her Yahoo! account and mine was still logged in, she began sifting through my emails and found one that was like two months out of date from an old friend that was contacting me, and I never read the email because it is an old personal account and gets loaded with SPAM. I only use it now to filter unknown site registration so I don't get SPAM in any of my new inboxes. Before I could look into this she had already called the old friend at her job and confronted her on the phone. I hadn't spoken to said person in about 2 years at the time and she didn't know about my getting married. I never responded so I am sure the girl was caught off guard. My wife introduced herself as so and "made it clear not to call me and that I wasn't looking to kick it while married to her." I felt terrible because the friend didn't deserve the heartache of such an attack (my wife is vicious) and I had to deal with my wife and her accusations again when I wasn't quite sure how it got to the point it was at when I got home.The next issue arose from my dealing with a male friend and client that my wife was (and I believe still is) convinced that I had a homosexual affair with (YUCK!!! Sorry, no offense to any gays, I am not a gay hater, but the idea of same-sex butt doesn't even begin to appeal me in the least!). Her "concrete evidence" was this... When he went on tour for me, I bought us matching canvas outfits and shoes with his stage name airbrushed on them. I got extremely upset when he blew off one of my shows and left me hanging. I get frustrated when he doesn't heed my professional advice. I tried to convince him to go to rehab and detox because his performance quality was dropping severely. I liked to hang out with him as a friend and fellow artist. I told my wife a story of how I "avenged his death" on 'Gears of War,' an online multi-player platform game for Xbox 360 where teams compete against one another in a "capture the flag" styled virtual war campaign. Finally (but not all inclusively), he cracked a gay joke while drunk after a show one day where he said that "I wasn't his type, he likes his silky smooth." It ironically, in a completely unrelated fashion, occurred one day after I told my wife that I was thinking of cutting my hair back and shaving off my beard... That was it, the icing on the cake, her investigation was over and I was now unknowingly a homosexual as well as a cheater...So I pretty much cut it off with said friend after a three day long, "she won't drop this until I convince her that I do not wish to speak to him anymore or alternately commit suicide" accusation/argument. Then it was another male friend. Darn I get around don't I? This guy was about 60 years old at the time. He was a short, furry little Italian Hobbit that was also a movie producer. I helped him from time to time on sound scores and things in his cinematography. We are both also photographers. We were working on a movie and I spent about three straight days with him and then I was having another affair... Sigh. I cut it off with him also. Then some random person I do not know, have never met, or associated with in any way shape or form, leaves a comment on my MySpace artist profile asking me what I was "doing today?" I tweeted a response that I was "working in the studio, had a dozen artists waiting for their instrumental tracks, and had a few PR materials that needed to be mailed." Nothing more, when I get home my wife asks me where I went and what I was doing. I told her I was mixing and mastering instrumentals for some clients and sent out a couple press releases." She called me a liar (my biggest pet peeve because I hate liars so much I won't tell my son that there is a Santa Claus, I do my best to even avoid white lies like hiding Christmas, Birthday, and Anniversary gifts/other surprises, it comes from a hatred for my parents actions, they were pathological liars). I told her I wasn't lying several times, she continued accusing, I did get angry and said, "Believe whatever it is that you wish to delude my love..." and tried to leave it at that... That was when she nailed me in the face with a candle holder. I sucked it up and never mentioned it again. (I am about 6'5" 280 lbs, she is like 5'1" and about 100 lbs, so I really can't do anything, ya'know?)A few weeks later another random comment came through in a text message while I was sleeping. My phone was charging on the computer she was on and I was sleeping so she decided to sneak a peek. My son's mother, was contacting me to find out if I was coming over for her sister's party (that I forgot about because she didn't remind me in advance, my brain can only handle so many schedules and to do's) because my son wanted me there and "the family" missed me. She hit me again, this time scratching my face with her ring. Again I sucked it up and let it go. I may have mentioned that it wasn't nice but I left it there and moved forward.Then for about a month she would begin randomly accusing me of things based upon previous issues, about two to three times a week. She started a job, a normal government office job in a neighboring city about 35 minutes away. Obviously in her mind, the fact that she was further away made me more whorish than ever and now I was doing things all the while behind her back. She began questioning everything... She even requested access to my business's personal account information files for both her and the rest of my clients (the information is all on a single net server, I understand that she wanted it solely for her own account use, but it would also compromise the confidentiality of my other client's income and I didn't feel like dealing with that at the time) because she was accusing me of "not dealing with her properly" simply because her royalty check didn't come through at the exact time she anticipated (they clear once every 45 days) and she just happened to be 9 days off... This, however, was unacceptable! She couldn't possibly be wrong, no I was slighting her. After a three day long argument, I finally, out of pure frustration, checked her trending report, and paid her out of another client's account, and replaced the money myself as soon as a check cleared for a concert set. This continued on until I was basically forced to quit my day job and move the "studio" into my home where I would now run everything from the house, while keeping the children. Then my car breaks down, she refuses to advance me the money to fix it, I lose several contracts and a few artists, the label's cleared income becomes less and less, until finally, I am depending on her to help me (a position I don't ever want to be in and I feel she engineered). I started grinding really hard, running advertising and promotions campaigns 24/7 for two to three day periods straight. Then sleep, only to wake up and begin again. Hustle, hustle, hustle, change diaper, feed the kids, clean the house, shower, hustle, hustle, hustle, drink and energy drink, hustle, hustle, hustle, drink coffee, hustle, get kids off to school, hustle, clean up mess kids left for me, hustle, hustle, hustle, pick up kids from school, cook dinner, hustle, hustle, pass out from exhaustion... Sleep 4 hours and repeat... Well during my hustle, one of my promotions was to get her "social networking friends" active, in which I acted like her, sending emails to "friends" and requesting new friends. This is all from her accounts. Simply to promote the release of her new album that will be released this summer, and for existing fans in these social networks, they will have a pre-release opportunity to listen to the beta-cuts before final mastering takes place and offer input and suggestions on the music. During this week long period, I personally sent out about 15,000 emails and made about 8,000 add requests. I can't name a single person from this list. To her they are fans, to me they are potential customers, not much more. My marketing strategy is this, briefly look at their page, pictures, heading, themes, etc. Say "Hello, I am _______, a RnB/Hip Hop performer from _______. I have a new album being released and I am looking for feedback from people in the RnB/Hip Hop community. If you could take a minute to review our music for us it would be a great help and you will have say in the final editorial process! Help us make our music, the music you want to hear!" Then in closing I would say, "Hey, by the way, nice _______!" which adds a personal feel. Like I took the time to get to know them or something, but it is a sales scheme and nothing more really.Well, there was a person, possibly a model, that had somewhat controversial pictures on her site. They were scantily clad and I perceived it as an attempt at being sexy. This being a letter allegedly from a female, wouldn't say nice outfit, or I like the page, because a conservative heterosexual woman isn't going to compliment up a page that is designed to target teenage males that way. I needed to be fast, I looked at her pictures and she had the biggest, wildest hair I have seen since Dolly Parton, so I said, "Love the hair by the way!" at the end and moved on... Don't you know that she got a response to it (thanks, it took us 3 hours to the hair to stay up like that!!! ;D )and visited the site, seen the girl with the bikini on and immediately assumed that I was doing something with her!? She lives in Jamaica... Yeah... So she quit her little job and hovers over me 24/7. Every time I leave the house I am being timed and if I am 5 minutes late I had sex with something... always.There have been a few other internet things since but I don't even pay her any mind with this crap anymore. I have told her that I love her, I told her that she means everything to me, I love my family... It doesn't matter and is never good enough. Take her on a romantic vacation with hours upon hours of preplanned forethought and romantic sentiments... Nothing... Unwillfully receive a "tweet" from some fan I never met that says I seen you hosting that show at ______ last night, you're hot! And I am Adolf Hitler... I feel like I can't win. How is one person responsible for the actions of random people!? I ever tried telling her every time something happened so if she were to find an unmentioned article here or there it wouldn't make any difference, right? Wrong, being completely open made it all worse!!!Here is my dilemma... Nothing has happened at all recently, suddenly (and I mean out of the clear blue nothing) she begins accusing me of some revived old crud from the "lets kick it" girl, the "hair" lady, and randomly the ex from long past... Why, after so long, everything has been seemingly great for her, after I just cooked a fillet mignon, sour cream and chive potatoes, creamed corn, and bacon-butter-spinach, her record sales are soaring, the fan base is growing, she has three "Top 20" charted songs, and just won a prestigious award... would she wish to drag up these skeletons, unless:A. She truly enjoys misery so much that she is willing to destroy everything to create misery for herself because she don't know how to react to being happy or comfortable... She needs misery and that is all she knows!?B. She is cheating on me... She adamantly denies this but, so do I (when being accused), and that doesn't change her opinion. I have been reading up quite a bit on psychology, and in psychology, people that incessantly accuse others of things that they are not doing, are usually guilty of the things that they are trying to accuse others of to better comfort themselves. The "He is doing it, why shouldn't I?" mentality.C. She no longer loves me and won't admit it for fear of abandonment or loss of whatever fame. D. ___________________________.I don't know what to do, I need help, but I don't have medical insurance and I am not as wealthy as anyone would think due to my semi-celebrity status. It just means that I have a lot of debt and money on paper and in computer files, but not in my pocket believe me. I love my wife, I want this work out, but I don't know what to do. She refuses to get help or counseling with me, which she blames on me, because we went once to a counselor who was a male and he didn't listen to anything I said, he just sided with my wife's breasts every single time, I never got an opportunity to speak. He (generally) told me that it was okay that my wife hit me with a candle holder because I shouldn't be talking to exes. When I stopped talking to exes, then it was women, friends, then he sided with her about the homosexual thing and I threw him out of my house. I was always wrong and never allowed to speak longer than 10 seconds, afterwards he would baby her and kiss her butt for 10 minutes, let her talk for ten minutes, let me talk for ten seconds, interrupt me mid sentence and say what I bad man I am... (BUT I am wrong for not wishing to pay for this)I am so upset right now... I can't sleep... I'm losing grip of myself... I need something... Anything... Maybe just a person to say hey, I read it, I used to have... blah blah blah. I want to save my marriage, but I... doubt... It takes both sides... She believes herself to be flawless and never wrong, which is completely irrational, but is the truth (for her), though she won't admit it like that. I feel I am not allowed to speak to another human (though she assures me that isn't true either and accuses me of going from one extreme to another... but the whole thing is extreme) or I am undoubtedly having sex with them. I mean I had a skin irritation in a personal area (dry skin, nothing weird or STD-oriented) and she made me feel worthless about it, she wouldn't touch me, no sex anything... I am totally vulnerable and afraid that we aren't going to be able to save this marriage. I don't want to see these kids torn apart again... there is just so much involved...Any advice or help would be great, thank you for reading a chapter of my biography... LOL!
View related questions:
affair, anniversary, best friend, breasts, christmas, debt, drugs, drunk, facebook, liar, military, money, muscle, myspace, period, std, text, wedding Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2009): ok, i really dont know what to say, but i did read the whole post. i can only go by what you are telling as your side of this tragedy...and i will answer the post from the perspective that what you have told is the truth.. i know that there are two sides to every issue and i also know that most of the time the woman gets the pity and the guy is the bad guy..or at least it seems that way to me. Im trusting that you have told the story exactly as it is going down.
i honestly dont see how this can be salvaged. she would have to want this as much as you do and it appears she is seeking validation and not a remedy. you guys have so much against you from the spotlight your lives are in, and the pressures from that ...i just dont see enough strength to withstand that pressure. i would say that in my mind several things are going on...I feel very inadequate to even address them but i am going to try because something about your post cries out to me and touches my heart.
1) she has major insecurities and is unhappy with HERSELF in spite of the fame and spotlight. Honestly, nothing will ever be enough to make her happy until she finds her own peace. Until she is happy in her own skin no one will ever be enough for her...and because of that she will resent you for trying and failing. And you will fail because you are in a hopeless position.No one can create inner happiness for someone else. YOU WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO FIX HER...She has to do that.
2) I have found in my own family, and friends, that those who are overly suspicious and jealous...are the cheaters. I am not saying that this holds true 100% of the time but i would be willing to say more often than not it is.
3)The children...nothing is more harmful to children than to continually see turmoil and feel tension. I have friends that would have been much better off with parents living apart, that loved them, than the damage that watching two people tear each other apart, while helpless to do anything about it, inflicted on them, Trust me on this there WILL be scars, but the scars are much smaller.
4) at this point in time you are losing everything. Your business is suffering, your friend circle is dwindling, your money is leaving...and your happiness is all but gone. Your sanity is soon to follow if something doesnt change. You would be much better off losing her. REALLY tough words i know. But if you continue on you will be left with no friends, no money, no wife (because she will eventually leave, in spite of everything) no good reputation, and no hope.If you have any balls at all...get out now. Get your kid and run.
I'm reminded of those plants i read about in science class oh so many years ago..the venus fly trap...get away while you have a piece of yourself left. She may or may not do it intentionally, but she will ...WILL destroy you...heart and soul. SHe is a soul destroying man eater.
I have reread all of what i've written and it doesnt sound like i have offered you much hope, but know this... If you will leave now..in 5 years you can be in a happy place. If you do not..5 years will have you in the gutter or worse. hold onto hope..you do have a future. it will be hard work but hold onto hope with all of your strength. you are stronger than you realize and you will survive. good luck, mal
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2009): Gee.. A lot going on here. It looks like your wife is extremely paranoid, either due to her pass relationships or when you let her down before. There is a simple and almost immediate solution to this... That is, if you are telling the truth. Don't wait for her to initiate the conversation, tell her that you love her and you want to fix the relationship. Tell her you are tired of the fighting and accusations and you want to put an end to it once and for all. Tell her that you would like her to organize a booking for you to take a lie detector test, on condition that she no longer makes accusations. Make her sign an agreement to this effect. Go on line and google polygraph testing in your area. Or better still, tell her to organize it with someone of her choice so that she can't later accuse you of paying the tester off when you pass the test. It will be the best $50 you have ever spent; that is, if you are telling the truth..!
...............................
|
