A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I'm really confused and need your help. Sorry, buckle in... it's gonna be a bit long but the details are important. I promise. I started University in August, and my major is really small. There's this really shy/quiet guy in my major, so he's essentially in all of my classes. Every girl has a crush on him because he's very attractive, but more than that he's such a smart and sweet guy. However, he has a longterm girlfriend that he lives with. He's totally in love with her (because I've talked to him about her before). Anyway, after we all warmed-up to each other a bit, we all decided to go out for drinks/dinner to have fun outside of school. When we went out, I found myself talking to him the entire time. I do this because I'm really bad in big groups ( I get super socially anxious, so I usually just gravitate to one person and end up talking to them/hanging with them the whole night), so that night it ended up being him. But if I'm being honest, I really wanted to get to know him more because I didn't know him that well. We were chatting all night and just talking about life and interests and random things. Turns out he is beyond a really great guy. So, we all go to this bar and again he and I are standing at the bar talking because I don't dance and I was having a nice time talking to him. He was so drunk (like incoherently so), and somehow we kissed. It wasn't a full make-out session or anything explicit, but it was crossing the line. Afterward everyone decided to spread the drama like wildfire, and we both felt so guilty for crossing that line because he has a girlfriend, and I saw how much it was hurting him after remembering/hearing what happened. And I hated myself for getting wrapped up in the moment because I'm always always always the responsible one who doesn't do things like that. It took a while (a couple weeks of us ignoring each other's existence) to finally talk. Basically he said sorry and I said sorry and we ended on good terms. He told his girlfriend. She was understanding/fine with it (i use the word "fine" generously), and we just went on being friends. Then, we had to do something for school, and it turned out that he and I had to do a shift together. I was nervous but also excited even though I couldn't figure out why at the time. We spent the whole time just talking and really getting to know each other beyond surface level things. He teased me a bunch about little things I do (things I didn't even notice that I do!), and I was awkward and asked him a bunch of reflective/introspective questions. We had a really great time together, and I was so happy we had that opportunity to be alone and just develop our friendship. So, like I said before, I'm super shy and I'm never the person to initiate anything, but I felt so comfortable with him that I asked what he was doing after our shift and he said "Nothing." So I asked if he wanted to get a drink, and he said, "Yeah." (even though he had plans later that night) So we went and got drinks and just sat at this outside bar for hours talking and just laughing and idk how to describe our interactions. I don't want to say flirting because that's subjective, but I was probably flirting (even though I was trying sooo hard not to). So, I basically he promised me that he would sing at an open-mic night because I was teasing him about pushing him out of his comfort zone, and he said "Only if you're up there with me." So we agreed to do it one day. But he said he would only do it if I showed him some of the poems that I write (somehow he got it out of me that I love poetry and write it sometimes... it's not good. but it's a secret). So I reluctantly agreed, and we walked to leave after a while, and when we were parting ways we did that cute "look back over your shoulder" thing that people do in the movies. *Note: I'm a level-headed person. I know that means nothing. I just thought it was cute, and I'm secretly a hopeless romantic so I had to include it in there* While we were at the bar there were a few developments: we talked about friends, family, future, secrets. He touched my knee whenever he got up to go to the bathroom. And he wouldn't stop making strong eye contact and smiling at me. He's a shy guy! But he was so smily and silly and attentive. I think it's important to say that when we're around people we go to school with, he basically ignores me because the people in our classes make every interaction we have a big deal. Everyone watches us like a hawk and whispers and whatever. I don't ever want our friendship to make him uncomfortable, so I let him come to me and talk if he wants to. Otherwise, I keep my distance. So, our whole class went to a sports game as a "bonding" experience. I went with my friends and he went with his. But when we got there I ended up sitting next to him, and we were kinda secluding ourselves like we did the first time at the bar. Looking back and reflecting, that was my fault because I definitely wanted to just be by him and spend time with him because we don't get to spend a lot of time together. And I think later that night I started to acknowledge that maybe I have feelings for him more than just my friends (which is awful and I feel guilty about but I can't control). So, we sat next to each other during the game and just laughed and talked and watched the game. He brought up some things I said weeks back when we went to the bar, and basically told me that he really listens to everything I say. Then later some of us went to the bar near the stadium and I tried to get him to dance with me as a joke (because I don't dance and it wasn't like grinding or any type of sensual dancing. It was completely innocent I promise), but he got all weird and basically left in a hurry. When i stopped him at the door, I made him talk to me (because communication is the most important part of any relationship), and I wanted to make sure I didn't overstep or do anything wrong. Especially because subconsciously I knew where my feelings truly lied. He basically said it's hard for him to be with me and have fun around everyone because everyone is judging us and watching us so closely and it makes him anxious. Which I completely respect. I asked him what he wanted me to do- even offered not to talk to him when we're around other people or whatever. And he basically said, "No. Fuck them." And we came to this agreement that we were going to try not to care what everyone else thought about us being friends. After that night I really sat with myself and accepted that I have feelings for him. It worried me because I didn't want to ruin our friendship by doing/saying something stupid, or stepping out of line. Especially since he has a girlfriend. So, promised myself that I wouldn't be friends with him if I felt my feelings were causing me to make poor decisions (i.e. flirt with him excessively or anything beyond that). And I told him this. Not he feelings thing, but he's literally a genius so I think he got it. Basically I said, "You're attractive and smart and I am clearly attracted to you, but I don't want that to get in the way of our friendship. And if I feel that it is, I'm going to remove myself from this friendship because I don't want to put you in an uncomfortable situation, etc." I'm too blunt for my own good sometimes. It's a bad quality. But he basically said, "Ditto." And we left it at that. Then, a few months later (recently), we all went out again to celebrate the end of the semester. When we were out with everyone we didn't even acknowledge each other. Maybe a smile here or there, but I'm so painfully awkward that I don't know how to be a fake/normal person so I just avoid him. A bunch of people left, and it ended up being me, him, our friend, and two other people who were leaving. He was going to our friend's house and whenI was saying "Bye" he was like "You should come. What else are you doing? Do you have plans?" I didn't. So I said, "Okay I'll come over for one beer." When we got to our friends house, we just sat outside and talked and had a good time, and he casually let it slip that he has a weakness for girls that look like me. He described very basic details about me like my hair color and eye color and whatever. But He blushed, and I ignored it because I do this thing where I read into things and I don't want to do that here. It's too sensitive of a situation. Plus, I never think anyone likes me/has a crush on me so he could have said he wanted to kiss me and I would have been like "hahaha he was kidding. i'm not his type." So then our friend was making hamburgers and asked if I wanted one, to which I politely declined because I don't eat red meat. Then he says quietly "Yeah because you love Highland cows." (mind you... that was something I said one day probably 4 months ago, in class, and not to him.) In that moment I realized that he really does listen/watch me very closely. Or at least remembers everything I freakin' say. Which is amazing because he made it a point to tell me he's forgetful. I was flattered/shocked he remembered, and I said "You remember that I said that?" and he said "Of course I do." And flashed me the biggest smile. I felt my whole face get hot. That was so sweet. It wasn't about he detail or topic. It was about the fact that he holds onto my details and really pays attention to me. I didn't know he did that, even though thinking back he showed me that he does that several times.So, then I go to leave and they basically stop me and he drags me to the bar that they all go to. I promise we're not alcoholics... we just don't get out much. So at the bar, we took shots and I drank a lot more than I should have. It takes a lot of alcohol to get me drunk, so I wasn't drunk but I was tipsy. I started to feel myself flirting with him heavily and making unwise decisions. Like playing chicken with him where I noses were touching to see if either of us was drunk enough to pull away or kiss the other one. I know, I'm a terrible person. Thankfully, I snapped back into reality and declined the next few shots because I didn't want to do something terrible. After a bit we were leaving, and he started walking in my direction. I asked what he was doing, because he doesn't live anywhere near me, and he said, "I'm walking you home and then I'll catch the subway by you." I told him the nearest subway is 20 minutes away from my apartment, but he insisted and kept walking with me. So we walked and talked and he kept staring at me for some reason. And we got to my apartment and I offered for him to stay over (ON THE COUCH) because it was 3am and dark and late. He accepted without any argument. So we got up to my apartment, and I made him toast. And he said he was in the mood for eggs. So I told him that I would make him eggs in the morning. Morning comes, I make him coffee and eggs (they were crappy because I can't cook.) and we just sat in our pjs and ate breakfast and played music and talked. When we're alone, we're so relaxed and comfortable with each other. We really are different people. And I love being around him because I'm not conformable being myself around a lot of people. And that's what made me realized that I actually really like him... is that I don't really get butterflies or anything when I'm with him. I feel comfortable and calm- like I can breathe. And I haven't felt that way since my last longterm relationship (of 5 years) ended. So, he asked me what I was doing for the day, and I said I had no plans. Then I asked him, and he told me about an art show that he's wanted to see. I lovelovelove art and it sounded really cool. But I didn't want to invite myself because that's rude. So, when he didn't invite me to go with him, I just said okay and let it be. I wasn't offended for anything. I got dressed to walk him to the train and I said I was going to go to the park because it was a nice day. When I said bye and kept walking, he kept walking with me. I said, "what are you doing?" and he said "You're kidnapping me. We're going to the park." And smiled so big at me, I melted. He just elected to come to the park with me! So we walked to the park and lied in the grass for a while. We talked a little, but basically we were justing enjoying the day and being silent in each other's company (which I loveeee. I love when people can be silent together.) At one point he was staring at me, and I said "Yes??" And he smiled and said, "Nothing." Then lunch time came around, and I said "What do you want for lunch?" We agreed on a place but when we got there it was closed. So we found somewhere else that played 60s music and was fun. I was singing every sing that came on and he was watching me and laughing as I made a fool of myself. Then again, he brought up some things that I said a while ago or just details about myself that I shared. And I said, "You really pay attention to me don't you?" And he smiled and blushed and said, "Yeah I guess so." He also did that thing again where when he got up to the go to the bathroom he rubbed my back. We were talking about what a wonderful day it was, and I said "I'm in the mood for a movie. That would make this a the best day." So he said, "Let's watch a movie." We walked to his place. He picked up two bottles of wine for us on the way, and when we got to his place he sat on his couch and watched my favorite movie. I tried to make sure I wasn't sitting too close to him because I'm still trying to mind my place/be respectful. But we ended up sitting very close and he even got me a pillow for my head. So cute. Occasionally I caught him looking at me, but I was being such a dork so he was probably laughing at me. When the movie was over, we were finishing our wine, so we just listened to music and played cards. He went hunting for cards after I suggested it. It was so sweet. So we just had fun and played cards. I started to let my guard down a bit and said that we should start betting. He but he a shoulder rub. Then a back rub. I'm great at cards, so I won. And he was teasing me a bunch. We tease each other a bunch. That's part of my personality... not just the flirty part. I'm pretty much a sarcastic asshole all the time. hahaha But it was like 11 and I checked my watch and he said, "What? Do you have a hot date?" And I said, "No. I'm checking to see how long it's been since I overstayed my welcome." And he reassured me I wasn't overstaying. I caught myself being a little too flirty again, but I was too comfortable. I couldn't stop myself. That's not an excuse. But that's an explanation. Then midnight hit, and I said "Okay I should go." And he said, "Okay...?" I didn't want to risk staying over. He didn't offer, but the headspace I was in... I knew that if he did offer I would have said yes and that didn't feel right. So, I called an Uber and said bye. I went to give him and handshake (because I'm awkward as f*ck) and he hugged me. I gave him the WORST, awkward hug because I just was trying to "bro" the hell out of it because I wanted to keep my intentions pure. And immediately after that I thought, "Well, if he like me even a little bit, then that hug definitely convinced him otherwise." Okay so, basically, I'm here to ask for advice (obviously). I like this guy, a lot. And I don't like people... that's actually something my family makes fun of me for. I have real, genuine feelings for him. And when we're together, I feel like he likes me too. But I don't want to be reading into it and muddy our friendship. Because I doubt myself/have no self-confidence, I googled things that guys do when they like a girl. After doing research and reading a bunch of articles these are things he does with me that make me think he likes me: 1. Smiles at me all the time. 2. Maintains fierce eye contact/stares at me. 3. Remembers details about me. 4. Finds subtle ways to touch me.5. He acts different around me than around other girls 6. he mirrors me! (I even pointed this out to him cause I'm crazy. But friends mirror each other too. It just signifies a bond) 7. He asks me meaningful questions 8. He wanted to spend alone time with me/makes time for me9. He sometimes acts shy/nervous. 10. He teases me/is very playful11. He NEVER uses his phone around me. Ever! and I love it. 12. We have inside-joke nicknames for each other 13. He rarely RARELY mentions his gf unless I bring her up. (I should say this. He's a good guy. He always has wonderful things to say about her and how much he loves her when she does come up, but we've spent a lot of hours together and she probably only came up 3/4 times) 14. He showcases his skills and talents to me. 15. He asks my opinion about his appearance 16. We talk about how we have so much in common and teach each other things and just have easy, genuine conversations There's others too, but those are the ones that come to mind. OKay so.1. Does he like me or am I reading into this way too much? (guys out there. I'd love your input.) I'm really trying to be objective with the details. Sometimes, I feel like he was staring at me for two minutes straight and he does smile constantly when we're together. We both do. I just don't want to be misreading signs. 2. What do I do? I know he has a girlfriend, and I want to respect that and her, but I also have really strong feelings for him. Should I remove myself until the feelings go away? I don't like to let myself think about it (because I feel guilty), but if the situation presented itself I really feel like we could have a strong relationship (actual relationship) because we're so similar and get on well and have a great dynamic.But maybe I'm misreading this whole thing, and he's just being friendly. Help! I going crazy over here! Thank you!
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alcoholic, crush, drunk, flirt, has a girlfriend, in the mood, shy, teasing, university Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Lanyan987  +, writes (1 September 2019):
I'd say he's into you. The only time I remember details like that are when I'm into someone. I'd say tell him you need clarity and if he is, then he needs to end things with his GF before continuing.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2019): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all of your feedback guys. I definitely see what you're all saying, and you've all given me a lot to think about. To clear up some things: his girlfriend knows we're friends and hanging out. I told him that her knowing we were moving past that initial incident and trying to be friends was important to me. And he agreed. So, just so everyone knows- we're not sneaking around behind her back. I even suggested that we all hang out and do something together. So, she knows, and I've asked him if she's okay with it and she is. Also, I know that he's in a relationship. And yes, he's a young, attractive guy who is used to girls doting on him, so he probably just likes the attention. But, because we have to work so closely together on projects and stuff, we can't just ignore each other/I can't just "walk away". It'd be impossible. Additionally, the reason why I wrote this question was because I've been thinking a lot about his gf (especially after we hung out for those few days), and I'm trying to evaluate the situation and do the right thing. The main reason I was asking if everyone thought he likes me or not is because if I was just reading into it and overthinking it, then our friendship would be fine. I started to get nervous when my best friend pointed out that she thinks he likes me. Then our interactions stopped feeling like friendly hang outs and more like something I had to be cautious at/reevaluate. I really like his girlfriend- she's very sweet and smart and a really good person, and I would hate to ruin their relationship. Honestly. No matter what feelings I have, those take a backseat to that fact. And honestly, I don't see him leaving her. That's not even a possibility because they have a really strong relationship. Also, I'm not denying I have feelings for him. I hate that I do because it's only complicated everything. I'm not trying to present myself as self-righteous or anything like that. I know kissing him was wrong. And I don't want to be the cause of a breakup, but I also don't want to lose him as a friend. Like I said, I can compartmentalize my feelings for him and my friendship with him as two separate things. I've done it before. I just wanted to know if you all think he likes me because if he doesn't everything is easier. If he does then I have to figure out how to remove myself in an effective way.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2019): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all of your feedback guys. I definitely see what you're all saying, and you've all given me a lot to think about. To clear up some things: his girlfriend knows we're friends and hanging out. I told him that her knowing we were moving past that initial incident and trying to be friends was important to me. And he agreed. So, just so everyone knows- we're not sneaking around behind her back. I even suggested that we all hang out and do something together. So, she knows, and I've asked him if she's okay with it and she is. Also, I know that he's in a relationship. And yes, he's a young, attractive guy who is used to girls doting on him, so he probably just likes the attention. But, because we have to work so closely together on projects and stuff, we can't just ignore each other/I can't just "walk away". It'd be impossible. Additionally, the reason why I wrote this question was because I've been thinking a lot about his gf (especially after we hung out for those few days), and I'm trying to evaluate the situation and do the right thing. The main reason I was asking if everyone thought he likes me or not is because if I was just reading into it and overthinking it, then our friendship would be fine. I started to get nervous when my best friend pointed out that she thinks he likes me. Then our interactions stopped feeling like friendly hang outs and more like something I had to be cautious at/reevaluate. I really like his girlfriend- she's very sweet and smart and a really good person, and I would hate to ruin their relationship. Honestly. No matter what feelings I have, those take a backseat to that fact. And honestly, I don't see him leaving her. That's not even a possibility because they have a really strong relationship. Also, I'm not denying I have feelings for him. I hate that I do because it's only complicated everything. I'm not trying to present myself as self-righteous or anything like that. I know kissing him was wrong. And I don't want to be the cause of a breakup, but I also don't want to lose him as a friend. Like I said, I can compartmentalize my feelings for him and my friendship with him as two separate things. I've done it before. I just wanted to know if you all think he likes me because if he doesn't everything is easier. If he does then I have to figure out how to remove myself in an effective way.
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female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (8 May 2019):
 He's in a relationship, he's cheating on his girlfriend and you're enabling it. But keep in mind that just because he's cheating on her doesn't mean that he likes you. He just likes the attention that he gets from you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2019): He has a girl friend ...girl pick yourself and dust yourself down ..this isn't right No matter the looks or connection you may feel .. if he wanted more he would leave his gf and give himself space that mensa No you either until he was sure .. he isn't.. he wants it all .. and he wants it now .. shy or not haha he's still a guy . Be careful .
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A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (7 May 2019):
 He is in a RELATIONSHIP. You are WELL AWARE of that fact. You HELPED him to CHEAT on his partner and you are STILL sticking around. You aren’t interested in developing a friendship, don’t try to kid us and yourself. You like this guy, it’s obvious or you wouldn’t be here asking the question in the first place. You need to forget about this crush. He is showing that he is a SNEAKY person. How do you think his GF would feel about this ‘friendship’? Would YOU be happy if your BF had cheated on you and kept hanging out with the girl after it?
Stop being selfish, think of other people’s feelings. If their relationship is going to crash and burn then let it happen WITHOUT your intervention. Nobody likes a home wrecker and you will get a reputation for it if you keep sniffing around. You are both being extremely disrespectful here, he should be stamping this flirting out if he ‘loved’ his GF. He really isn’t this great guy you’re trying to make out he is if this is how he treats someone he lives with and supposedly loves.
I really doubt you’d be happy if your BF was acting in this way so you need to stop this situation. Keep it related to SCHOOL ONLY! As code warrior said your feelings have absolutely no relevance when he has a partner. Leave their relationship alone and stop interfering. He is showing his true colours by having this emotional affair.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek + ♥, writes (7 May 2019):
 Put yourself in the place of the girlfriend. What if the guy in question was YOUR boyfriend. How would you feel knowing some other girl wanted him? I doubt if you'd be too happy. So do the right thing, accept that he's a friend he has a girlfriend and find yourself a FREE man that you can love and he can love you back. RESPECT
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2019): I was in an almost identical situation when I was at university and let me tell you from my experience, yes he likes you. BUT not more than he loves his girlfriend. If he did he'd have left her already. Genuinely the best thing you could do is walk away because you're going to spend months getting your hopes up and then being crushed and at least if you walk away now you can still have some self respect. If you hang around this guy will eventually cut you off when he feels too guilty about what's going on and you'll be heartbroken.
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (7 May 2019):
 This would be a GREAT story IF HE WAS SINGLE.
He isn't and you know it, but you STILL chase him.
You say you WANT to respect that he has a GF, but you don't respect her. I want to bet if HE was your BF and he was hanging out and having all these "moments" with another girl you would be FURIOUS.
He might like you, and he OUGHT to set firmer boundaries with you because you are OBLIVIOUS to what you should do. Or rather you CHOSE to be obvious because you want this guy.
I can tell you this, IF you do end up snagging and bagging him.... it won't last. And he will blame YOU for the break up with his GF. And partly he will be right.
While I DO think HE needs to be the one to nip this in the bud and not hang around you as much as he has. YOU ought to use your head here too.
What you are doing is not OK. It doesn't matter that you are so similar and get on so well. HE HAS A GF. You know that. If he can't respect it, AT least YOU should.
You need to avoid hanging out with him alone. And you NEED to take a few to put yourself in his GF's shoes.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2019): You have feelings for this guy.You like that he's shy but friendly and as he's not a flashy jock kind of guy you can be comfortable with him.Life at uni can bring people closer and this can effect their home relationships.Sometimes it destroys the relationship with the person back in the home town entirely and this is usually referred to as 'moving on!'Now whos to know where this guy stands with his at home girlfriend?For all we know she could be 'moving on' also but not necessarily which is why I would caution you to be very careful during the 'moving on' phase.Sometimes guys just gather experience.And go back to the home girl for the holidays and after uni.I know of one girl at least who got pregnant and had the baby and the boyfriend ditched her like hot cakes to go back to his original girlfriend.And he lived with his college girlfriend for two years prior to that and even bought her a ring.So although its romantically moving on between you two you must consider if you are just a third wheel and if this guy is just enjoying a little female company in the absence of his regular girlfriend.Some guys are quite happy to have two partners so unless you get some clarification that he is a single man then I would slow down on the aspects of moving on as you could end up heartbroken and losing respect for him and for yourself.Slow down, he likes you, you like him, but is he free?Unless of course you can bear the fallout of being his bedmate during term time and his ex during holidays.Plus if he intends to marry his home girlfriend please bear in mind that you wont be invited to the wedding.If you have sex and he retracts his affections you may also find yourself cut out of group interactions as he tries to redefine himself.Slow down and have a serious talk about his commitments if you dont want to end up feeling like a crumpled tissue.You sound far too charming to let some guy hurt you romantically.
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