A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello and thanks So my fiancé and I have been together over two years. He has cheated in the past and I forgave him. Lately our relationship has been strained he has been irritable with me , less affectionate as well. I began thinking it’s a possibility maybe he’s up to no good again. I found out as he stayed the night his phone notifications were showing on his cell and yes looked. It was a female telling him the sex was great and so on. I’m devastated. I really believed he would change. Unfortunately he hasn’t. When I confronted him he was more angry that I found out. Which really hurt. This man tells me everyday how much he loves me. How can someone do that to someone they say they love ?I’m confused, hurt, and mad. I thought people were capable of change, at least some are. I feel nauseous just thinking about it. He tells me it won’t happen again. Same words as before. Their just words. I can’t trust him now. Please, is this even worth it? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (8 May 2019):
 Adios amigos! I truely believe that people who cheat once can change. Not that I am discounting this type of behaviour in any way, however there are circumstances where people do make poor choices and worth given another chance. BUT a truely remorseful person takes that second chance whole heartedly not to do it again. Clearly, he is full of shit and does not deserve your love. There are a billion men out there for you to choose. Cut this swine of a man loose to invest your time elsewhere. Been there and done that, my heart goes out to you xx
A
female
reader, mystiquek  + ♥, writes (8 May 2019):
 I doubt if he's worth it OP. You know the expression "Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me"?? This is where you are at. Yes, I do believe in giving someone a second chance. Sometimes people just screw up. Yes people can change. People change because THEY want to change though, not because their mate or family member etc want them to change. Your man didn't want to change and he didn't. He thought he wouldn't get caught and he did. As you said, he was angry because you found out. What does that say??? It means he doesn't care enough to do right by you.
Its a bitter pill to swallow but think ahead to the future if you stay with this man. Are you going to worry every time he is late? Doesn't call when he said he would? Has weird excuses for why he isn't around? The answer more than likely is yes you will worry. You don't trust him..rightly so.
Ask yourself if this is how you want to live your life. Some people are serial cheaters and they will cheat their entire lives on whomever is unfortunate enough to be with them.
Walk away darling...you deserve better. Throw him out with the trash. Life is too short to be riddled with doubt and mistrust.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2019): This is where you pull yourself together; and you send him packing!!!
You're prolonging the agony; perhaps because you've resigned yourself to marrying this guy. No matter what?!!
Okay, you've been nauseated, heartsick, humiliated...and worse...you've been cheated on again!
You don't need to write an advice column to tell you that this man will cheat on you now; and after you've married him. You forgave him, and you gave him benefit of the doubt. Are you conflicted, because you don't want to give him his ring back? Are you ashamed everyone will know he cheated again after you forgave him once before? Are you so in-love you'll marry him anyway? Did mother warn you that he was no-good, but you kept him anyway?
Put your pride aside, and lean towards your common-sense and better judgement. Put all the emotionalizing and dramatizing on-hold for the moment. Compose yourself. You have an important decision to make.
You knew from the start he couldn't be trusted; and you were getting cues and clues from his distance and lack of affection. Something is up! After being cheated-on and betrayed once; your senses become more acute. Forgiveness warrants evidence of redemption and remorse. The mind demands and searches for it. Not just a string of "I'm sorry's" and pleas of innocence!
Face the harsh reality, my dear! You will never trust this man again. The odds that he'll repeat-cheat are higher than the odds that he won't.
He has no respect for you. Apparently, he saw your forgiveness as weak-minded...or desperate. Anyone who would toss your love, trust, and forgiveness away like that. Doesn't love you!
He proposed, and you accepted; so he had to stick to it. Especially after being forgiven. He probably sabotaged it all on purpose. How do you undo a marriage-proposal and still get your ring back? Cheat, then she's forced to give it back for canceling the engagement. His cheating is a breach of contract; but legally, you can battle over it. Are you up for that?
Am I to presume you needed some convincing to let him go, or are you planning to forgive him once again???
Go get yourself fully checked for STD's! A full battery of testing!
A good man demonstrates how much he loves you through his affection, actions, faithfulness, and respect for your trust. He can say the words "I love you" a million times; and not mean it, not even once! You're not a naive child.
Sweetheart, this is on you! You don't need DC to tell you what to do about a guy like that!
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (7 May 2019):
 Short answer : no.
Everybody deserve a second chance, and nobody a third one.
People CAN change their ways IF they want to, - apparently this guy did not really want to change , he only wanted you to be off his case, that's what the I loveyous and all the often repeated nice words were for. Talk is cheap- and SAYING things is incredibly easy. As opposed to DOING things,( like being faithful , keeping one's word, resisting temptations, etc. )- that's more difficult, it requires a constant effort ; effort that this guy does not feel like doing , at least not for you. Maybe he is not intentionally deceiving you when he tells you that he loves you- but obviously his " love " is a selfish, convenient love which is quite weaker than his drive for self-indulgence and instant gratification.
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A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (7 May 2019):
 It wasn’t worth it after the first time he cheated, why would it be after the second? Where’s your self respect.
Move on
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (7 May 2019):
 I would say no, it isn't worth it.
People can and do change, IF THEY want to. Not just if their partner/family/friends want them to, and in your fiance's case - HE really didn't WANT to. Which is why he cheated again. Getting married will NOT change anything for him or suddenly make him faithful and trustworthy.
Why do I say that he didn't want to change? Because HE got mad that you found out. He didn't TAKE responsibility, he didn't feel remorse, he GOT mad.
You fiance might love you to some extend, but he DOES love himself and having the "freedom" to do as he please.
Maybe he PRESUMED that because you forgave him once, you will do it again... and again... and again... if he JUST sweet talk you enough. He uses the same words because YOU forgave his actions before. He got the RESULT he wanted back then so why not? Tried and true.
The thing is OP, He can't promise he won't do it again. The likelihood is HE will. Because HE seems to think it's ACTUALLY OK for him to cheat. As long as you don't find out. But... IF you find out, just lay it on thick with words and you will eventually forgive him.
YOU have to decide if you want to BE with someone you can't trust. Who puts YOUR health at risk. (because you have NO idea if the women he sleeps with have STD's or if he is even being safe - and even WITH condoms there are still STD's that are transmitted by skin contact.
OR you decide that THIS is enough. You WILL NOT allow a man who SAYS he loves you and care for you treat you this way, and then... it's OVER, DONE. He can get his stuff, you get yours and then BLOCK all communications and work on moving on. HIS loss, totally.
Please don't take the blame on yourself FOR his actions. YOU did NOT make him cheat. Nor make him cheat again. THIS is ALL him. HIS choice to cheat. Remember that.
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