A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my husband since early 2008 and we have a 2 year old son and when i was pregnant i set up a fake profile of this 'hot' chick to test him. It was sneaky but all he had to do was say 'thanks but no thanks, my partner is pregnant' etc, but no he didnt, he asked her if he could have her cell number and that he would love to entice her to go out for a few drinks...i stayed with him because i was scared of being alone especiall during my pregnancy. I am still with him but i feel insecure with him. He usually will fit soccer in every weekend, he never initiates for us to do something together as a family. Yes we are always only just managing financially and really we cannot afford to do anything. He has made me so angry during arguments because i felt he was so critical of me and i just couldnt understand his view on things and i just felt mentally manipulated and he knows how to convince someone that the sky is green and not blue if he really wanted to. SO a couple of times i have been so angry and frustated at him that i have made to holes in the wall. Last weekend just went by, he went to play soccer in the afternoon, stopped by at a friends place with his soccer mate and was enjoying their company, i was waiting for him all saturday night until 11.30pm at night, he always seems so happy when he is doing things with other people. He thinks i complain too much, i expect too much from him, i'm selfish and that he does do alot for me. He says he is tired from working 12hour shifts, i get that but he has time for soccer and not US. I dont trust him, i feel lonely emotionally, he makes me so angry that i want to break things, i feel trapped because i dont want our son to be in a single parent arrangement. I asked my husband to see a relationship counsellor but he thinks if we cant fix it then no one can. So i feel like he wants me to break up with him so he doesnt have to. it's harder also because he wont admit any wrong doing, he just thinks im too needy ,and i need to stop getting 'angry' because he thinks i have anger issues. I want to leave but im scared of the difficulty, i would rather stay where we are renting, we have housemates to help us pay rent, most of the stuff in the house is mine, if i move out, i have to sell all my stuff, the house is under my name, we have been behind on rent several times and had breach letters, so i dont know if i can find somewhere else to rent, i want him to move out but i think he might convince me to work things out and then the vicious unhappy, angry, frustation, neglected cycle begins again. I'm just so pissed off that i have to sit around until 11.30pm at night and my husband says, well, he doesnt do it often so why am i complaining but the point is he doesnt make time for me ever - last time we did something together was to go look at vaccum cleaners or i we went to watch him play soccer, at this stupid soccer club that has rubbish and glass everywhere so me and my son couldnt stay because it was too dangerous, i feel so ugly and unattractive and old, im 29, he is 26, i think im attractive he makes me unwanted,ugly, old. He is african and blames that its normal for him not to be affectionate, AND IM SO ANGRY RIGHT NOW HAVING TO WRITE THIS, I FEEL SO CHEATED THAT I HAVE TO BE TREATED LIKE IM NOTHING AND HAVE HIM JUSTIFY EVERYTHING ALL THE TIME AND THEN SAY I HAVE ISSUES, I ONLY GET SO ANGRY BECAUSE I FEEL SO UNLOVED AND TAKEN FOR GRANTED. i WANT TO BE A WOMAN THAT IS LOVED BY HER HUSBAND AND ACTUALLY HAVE HIM ASK ME IF I WOULD LIKE TO DO SOMETHING WITH ME.he is the selfish one and i feel so trapped. I hate this. I want someone to tell me it is ok to divorce him because he makes me so unhappy.
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divorce, insecure, trapped, unloved Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, iheartmykiddos  +, writes (3 September 2010):
 I don't know that not getting enough attention to make you happy is a good reason for a divorce.. Maybe instead of waiting around for him to give you attention and entertain you, you could find fun things that you like to do with your son or with friends. I understand how you feel though, My husband would always say how tired he was, when he wasn't working he was either sleeping or doing something for himself, like skateboarding or playing video games or playing the drums. It seemed like he had enough energy for everything and anything except for the kids and me. So don't get me wrong, i understand where u are coming from and I am on your side! Getting together with other moms and going on playdates helped me. But to be perfectly honest my husband ended up having an affair, so if your husband seems unhappy and you know that you are unhappy with the way things are, chances are there is either going to be an affair or a divorce, or both. Unfortunately you can't control how he feels or what he thinks or what he does, he is going to do what he wants. The only thing you can control is what you do, and how you feel and the choices you make. So do what makes you happy, put yourself and your son first because no one else is going to do that for you.
A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (31 August 2010):
 People say divorce is OK for the kid(they never remember,etc.) that's BS, If you don't give a hoot about the kid then file, otherwise seek help.
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A
female
reader, galfrend  +, writes (31 August 2010):
nobody knows your situation better that you do.you are the one who is frustrated and hurt by a man whose is supposed to be gentle and kind to his wife and mother to his child.what l suggest is that if you are willing to go for counseling and he is not then it clearly shows that he is not willing to work on your relationship meaning its not that important to him.You have a child, so think about his needs first.he may be small but he definately picks up on all your sadness and anger.if you have tried all other means to get help to save your marriage and still this guy does not want to participate, you have two choices to leave or stay.
l relate to you the only difference being that it was a boyfriend who was treating me like that.after 2 years of being together l finally realized how unhappy l was with him and l kicked him out(yes the flat is under my name so is all the furniture and utensils)it was not easy.its only been 3 weeks since l became a lonely woman but hey l am still alive.l am still in pain because l wasted 2 of my precious years with someone who was selfish and abusive physically and mentally.it will take time for me get over the nightmare but l will get there.
stop making excuses to stay with an emotionally abusive guy.I'm sure there are organizations that can assist.if it means selling everything else just to make ends meet except your bed and bedding then so be it.you are too precious to be this miserable.l applaud you because you still see yourself as a beautiful woman. there is someone out there who is just waiting for you to notice them.someone who will appreciate the beautiful woman that you are.
love
galfrend
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (31 August 2010):
 Why do men have to be tested?
FA
PS: I know I didn't answer your question. I'm not sure what the answer should be. Your problems don't sound too unusual for a young couple in financial stress. I really believe that you shouldn't have sex with people you can't trust. The feelings you are suffering from go back to that more than Soccer, or vacuum cleaners.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (31 August 2010):
 A single but happy parent is better than an unhappy, angry married one. Get a legal separation and if you can't work things out, divorce him. Your son will be much better off if you can smile through the day instead of punching the walls.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2010): Because you have a son together, things are more complicated. So here's what I suggest, CALMLY tell him that you've had it and tell him he has two options, either he starts taking an active role in the family you have together or you're gone. Don't allow him to answer right then. Tell him you'll let him take some time to decide, advise him to stay at a friend's or better yet, with family for a few days. If he refuses, you leave with your son. He is going to plead, prod, manipulate and promise if he wants to stay, and its your job not to fall for it and see the depth in his actions not his word. Personally, I think he's slimy. I've known men like him within my own family...self-absorbed, manipulating, cheating little boys who never take responsibility but want to play at being men. A few change when they see the light, but most never do and end up alone and pathetic at the end of their lives realizing that they lost what mattered through their own fault. So give him this final ultimatum and best of luck.
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