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age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: I feel like I will never be able to be successful with women. The only girls I have ever been good at flirting with are ones I am not actually attracted to deeply. I'm a virgin at 19 and am going through medicine. I had an ex who I was with for 2 years but it ended when college started and she broke up with me Whenever we talk now, I just think of how much I miss having a girlfriend. She's the only kiss I ever had. Whenever I am with a girl I'm attracted to, I fall apart and can't be flirty or talk to them unless I was friendzoned a while ago. She was a lucky case. I'm 5'8 and have a decent amount of body hair that I try and shave as much as possible because most girls tell me they don't like body hair. I realize my height takes out 80% of girls from liking me. Sometimes I try to show overconfidence in myself to compensate for my height and non masculine features. I was born with small hands and feet so I had to work extra hard in the gym to be where normal people are. I want to become a doctor and be successful but I can't help feeling I will not be totally successful unless I have a solid loving girlfriend/wife in the future. I constantly feel the need to prove how much of a man I am to my friends because they make fun of my lack of experience and virginity. That makes me scared that I'll suck at sex if I ever get the chance and then I'll give up since I can't be masculine enough?Are these thoughts normal and what can I do to help rid myself of this feeling? I want a girlfriend I love so badly.. but feel like she needs to fall out of the sky.
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male
reader, Serpico  +, writes (28 December 2012):
To stem off of what SVC said, attitude is everything. No woman wants a wuss or a "nice guy," esp at your age. You need to believe and act that any woman would be lucky to even have you talk to them. The more arrogant/confident you act (and believe), the more women you will get. Not a guess.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (28 December 2012):
 Ya know OP, I feel safer with my angry 5'7" skinny hubby than I did with my 6'4" 350 pound former ex wrestler hubby who was too much of an emotional wuss to do anything to protect anyone.
At least with my current husband I know I'm so important that he would risk his life to protect me. I feel safer with him than with a larger man who I Know used his size as a way to protect but when push came to shove he would have been a wuss.
It's ALL ABOUT THE ATTITUDE.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2012): I think you're suffering from big insecurities. You should try and not give too much thought about things, just let them run their natural cause. I've learned that the more I worry about something the more it worsens, so you should just relax and see what happens. Maybe you should go to parties or other places to meet girls. Believe it or not, in a library you can find very pretty and interesting women to form a relationship, you should go down there once in a while. Also, you should join classes or clubs that you know the type of women you want frequent, this way you'll be in contact with them. You just need to get out there and try to get rid of your shyness. Hope all gets well mate.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAbella, thank you for the amazing articles. I guess my height bothers me because my ex used to not take me as seriously as guys who were taller than me. I want to make sure my presence is felt in a room. I am grieving the loss of the relationship but that's because it felt great to be wanted by a girl. I had zero success in high school, rejections, so having someone who wanted me was a fresh feeling. I don't consider marrying all girls but if a girl is interested, I start thinking about the future because I feel like it is one of my few chances. As for People Poisoner's.. probably my high school which made me feel like I was nothing until I lost 50 pounds and leaned up.So_Very_Confused, I only talk to my ex because she is still a friend and because she had a rough past and I'm a person most people talk to when they need help. The body hair idea is from most girls I am around. I just want to work out enough so girls could know they are protected when I am there, because I know psychologically that is important. I think there is a counseling service, but they probably deal with smaller issues, rather than bigger problems. JanniePeg, I have yet to come to see a women who made me feel desired completely but in other terms like my ex said: "I can DEAL with your height." Statements like that are worse than plain rejection. As for emotional strength etc, How do you get better at that?
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (27 December 2012):
 Friends who make fun of you are not really friends. Maybe they want to be more of a man, so they put you down? That's inconsiderate and a very unmanly trait. I am 5' and my ex is 5'8". We have the same size hands. It didn't bother me. What do you need big hands for? He works a desk job. Women can do most things men can. Unless you are playing a piano piece that requires you to not jump when you have a span of 12 keys. Unless you want to be a basketball player you will need to be over 6 feet with big hands.
What's masculine for me in the long run is not physical traits. It's his ability to be emotionally strong and being able to handle life's ups and downs. His ability to be a leader and a shoulder to lean on. Women who are shallow enough to skip over men who are on the small side are not worth your attention. What prompted you to write this is that many people put you down for the sake of feeling better than yourself. I think you need a different circle and get rid of your friends. With real friends you are comfortable to be yourself and you don't need to prove anything. Same as females. I suspect you also use the reason that women are all shallow to avoid dating and getting hurt altogether. Whenever you use words like every, all, always, never. You know you are making absolute statements that do not do you any good.
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male
reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (27 December 2012):
 Stop shaving, stop asking women what is attractive, start reading Theartofmanliness.com
I don't even dare ask what kind of car you drive.
Promiscuity is not attractive.
You are manly enough, you just are projecting the wrong image because you buy into all the image crap out there. I suppose you get the idea that 5'8" is too short from reading dating site ads. In reality most women accept men under 5'9" because most men are under 5'9".
FA
FA
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (27 December 2012):
Dear OP, you are your own worst enemy. Because YOU feel (personal feelings on YOUR part) that you will never be successful you don’t’ allow it to happen. It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy.
If you can flirt with girls that you don’t have a stake in dating, then you can flirt with anyone. As long as you are truly just flirting… I mean I’m happily married and I flirt like I breathe… Flirting is about fun, it’s NOT about getting dates… if you can remember that you can learn to flirt with girls you find attractive.
STOP talking to you ex-girlfriend. She’s an EX and there is no need for you to have contact with her.
At 5’8” you are taller than my current husband or my first husband. You are plenty tall enough for many women… As for body hair… gawd my husband is furry in all the right spots (chest hair, arms and legs… even his tush is furry) I LOVE body hair on a man as do many women. I am not sure where you got the idea women do not like body hair. Now to be honest I don’t like back hair… and if my husband had it, he’s be having it waxed. I prefer a nicely trimmed pubic region to a wild raging bush and shaving the shaft of your penis so there are no hairs for oral sex is nice too… but other than that a man that shaves his body hair creeps me out.
Cocky and arrogant is not attractive… so OVER confident is not good. Confidence in general is sexy… stop compensating for your height… you’re not 5’2” or 5”4” (and I work with a good many men shorter than 5’8” who are plenty attractive and have wives, children, ex wives, girlfriends etc… The biggest problem with your height is you’re not accepting it.
My husband has a small foot.. size 9 for a man but guess what, my 6’2” dad’s foot is also only about a size 9.5. My son a whopping 6’3” (how a 5’2 woman and a 5’6 man had a 6’3” child I will never know) has size 13 feet… it’s hard for him to find shoes sometimes and he tripped over his feet as a teen a lot. Small hands are fine… easier for us smaller girls to hold your hand with.
As for working out in the gym to get where NORMAL people are… NORMAL is a setting on the washing machine or dishwasher… there is NO NORMAL… and average just means half of us are more and half of us are less…. Personally while some women like hard muscular bodies many of us prefer a man who is proportionate and not too hard. I personally like a bit of smush on my man… when I met my hubby he was too skinny, he’s not muscular and that’s fine… I don’t get off on set of abs… now nice arms and thick thighs… that’s a different story….
Your biggest problem is your lack of self-esteem and confidence. You are quite young. If you are the same guy that posted before about this, you are wanting to become a doctor because you think it’s the right thing to do to be successful and get the girls… what a lousy reason.
Stop discussing your sex life or lack of it with your friends… it’s none of their business and a gentleman never talks about relations with a lady….
Is there a mental health counseling service at school that you could seek some therapy with? I strongly suggest that you seek therapy with someone to work on your skewed view of how the world works and your self-loathing. I’m betting you are a really nice guy and will be a great catch one day if you could just learn to love yourself where you are.
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female
reader, Abella +, writes (27 December 2012):
 You need to feel really GOOD about you first. If you put yourself down then (since you know you better than anyone else) how are others expected to be able to see through that smoke screen to see the GOOD in you?
Confidence is the first stage of building YOU into the man who is inside and who girls will love.
Confidence is being assertive and valuing you.
Confidence is not about arrogance.
Girls like guys who are positive and confident. So let’s focus on that first. And please do not try too hard. Remember you are a Prize catch. There are girls who will fall over themselves to want to make your acquaintance – you just have not met them yet.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/what-is-confidence-and-how-do-i-get.html
Author: Code Warrior - I regard CodeWarrior’s article above as five Gold Stars at least.
In addition to Confidence you will also find it easier to get through life if you stay serene on top and paddle hard like a duck below the surface. So part of this is staying positive. So much in life is easier if you can stay calm, confident and positive. Girls love that appearance of Capable.
So here is your next article on Positive thinking. Screen out some of the distracting negatives. http://www.dearcupid.org/question/tunnel-vision-positive-thinking---used-to.html
As a Doctor a confident positive persona also inspires the confidence of others and your clients as well as your potential girlfriends will appreciate this positiveness.
Now I am referring you to Odds - a Really good Uncle on this site - with a beginner’s guide to how to be attractive to the opposite sex.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-to-be-attractive-a-beginners-guide-for.html
Author: Odds
And forget the rubbish about players versus Nice guys. Girls do LOVE nice guys. So please stay the nice guy you are.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/lets-talk-about-the-problem-with-nice-guys.html
Author: QuirkLady
Your height is not an issue. There are girls shorter and taller than you who could still connect with you and there are oodles of girls around or less than your height who will think you are tall.
You have less anxiety when you approach girls who you are not utterly besotted with and at the beginning that is a Good strategy. Definitely flirt with girls. Definitely flirt with girls who you are not crushing on. It will help you learn what works and what does not. And the girls you flirt with will enjoy the attention.
You are not a complete novice. You enjoyed a two year relationship. It may be that you are still grieving the loss of that relationship. So give yourself all the time you need. You kissed her but she is definitely not the last girl you will kiss.
Join some friends on New Year’s Eve and you will definitely get an opportunity to kiss someone at midnight.
And eventually, in time, you will meet another exclusive girlfriend. But I think some flirting with a number of girls would help you to gain more confidence with this required skill.
Guess what? Some girls actually like body hair. No strike that. Every girl I know likes some body hair. Except my very gay hairdresser – he hates his body hair.
Do not even consider marrying before you feel really settled. I think you are far too young to already be thinking of settling down. You can enjoy your life and be more ready to be a great partner and maybe father if you can delay marrying until after 25. In the interim there are girls who will welcome your company. Try not to see all girls as a potential life partner. Just chill and enjoy the girls as friends until your confidence is in better shape. Your time will come and you will eventually meet the right girl. But there is no rush.
Forget your dumb friends. What you have or have not done sexually is NONE of their business. I bet they inflate and exaggerate their alleged prowess in bed. Never discuss if you are or are not a virgin. It’s a turn off. Never ask a girl and never tell a girl you are not experienced because that is a real turn off. Instead slowly discover it little by little with her. She will appreciate it if you are not an amorous octopus from date one. You have nothing to prove and all the time in the world to learn. I am not even going to consider giving you any tips to get that side of your life working yet as I think you need to focus on building your confidence and your self-esteem and your positive feelings about yourself.
What unworthy People Poisoner ever put it into your mind that you are not worthy?
You are intelligent enough to get into medicine. Brains appeal to many smart girls. You are entering a Caring profession – that also appeals to many smart girls.
You have far more going for you than many guys will less to offer - and yet some of those guys have more confidence than you. That is not logical, Start valuing you and being very very proud of you and all you have to offer.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2012): Look-You WILL find love. Just be true to your self and have patience. I understand the cultural impetus to sow your wild oats! Don't fall for it. If you want to be a player...then get yourself in top model shape, study James Bond films, go into debt for things you really can't afford, learn 5 really funny jokes and you are in the club. If you want something deeper look within yourself decide what it is YOU want in a woman, then go after it! You will get rejected a lot I am sure, but if your search is based on honesty and integrity you will find someone.
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female
reader, jstar92  +, writes (27 December 2012):
 You're making mountains out of molehills, though I understand that to you, it doesn't seem that way.You're only 19! I have many friends who are also still virgins at your age and there's nothing wrong with them, they're not doing anything 'wrong' - they are who they are, and that is the most attractive thing to be. I know someone like you, he thinks he's short and so goes to the gym all the time and now has a very large torso - he is overtly masculine all because he is insecure, and it is so obvious. However, sometimes he is himself and he is such a nice guy, so you should know, love and be comfortable with yourself before you go looking for 'the one'. Being yourself is an attractive quality,as long as your a nice guy ;)And as for sucking at sex - this is usually the reason why people are pressured into having sex with people they may not even like, but you should only worry about inexperience if you just want a string of one night stands. If you're with someone who is genuine, lovely and loves you back, all that won't matter. Peer pressure sucks and can make you feel 'less of a man', but worrying what other people think all the time is no way to live.Find something in this world a part from women to enjoy - like your studies. Beginning a conversation with 'i'm a doctor', is a VERY good opener ;)
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A
male
reader, scottmartinez2012 +, writes (27 December 2012):
 it's absolutely normal man. this is just a phase and you'll be through it in no time. Don't put much pressure ion yourself. just get back in the game, you've done it before, you'll do it again. you need to take it casually and things will role.
All the best! :)
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