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I pushed him away, do I still have a chance?

Tagged as: Breaking up, The ex-factor, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (10 March 2018) 7 Answers - (Newest, 12 March 2018)
A female United States age 22-25, anonymous writes:

I met a really great guy in January but pushed him away with my insecurities. We live 2 hours apart but he always called/texted/facetimed me first. Two weeks into us getting to know each other I saw that some girl commented on a Facebook picture. He called me and I told him he needed to tell the girl to back off. The next week I stalked his ex's page and found an old text message she had uploaded to twitter in October 2017 and said oh wow you must have really liked her. he told me I needed to stop snooping especially since it was way before us. We continued to talk after that but I accused him of lying about other things all based off of assumptions I saw on social media. He told me he was over it and done with me. I waited a week to apologize and he basically told me that we are incompatible at this point. he is going through a lot and wants to take a step back to reevaluate some things. do I still have a chance or did I ruin it? I really miss him :(

View related questions: facebook, his ex, stalking, text

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A female reader, YouWish United States +, writes (12 March 2018):

YouWish agony auntHave you ever been diagnosed with OCD?? You scared the guy away because you indulged your obsessive nature, making you clingy and toxic. This will get in the way of EVERY relationship you get into, so you need to think beyond this lost cause, which is now a painful lesson and indicator that you need to re-evaluate yourself.

This isn't just "insecurities". This is a fundamental dysfunction of your character as a person. It *can* be changed, but you need to have the courage to seek help outside of yourself to do it. The good news is that it sounds like you want to change.

That's half the battle right there. Forget this guy and work on yourself, or this story will be re-told over and over again.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (11 March 2018):

No you don't have a chance. If he wrote a post about the situation and described it as you did; I would have to advise him to let you go, and not look back.

Here comes the broken record. I say it all the time.

Insecurity kills relationships!!!

No one is responsible for what others have done to you. Do not try to get into relationships with other people, carrying your baggage from the last guy or other guys.

If you still feel trust-issues or trauma, you are nothing but trouble. You are a drain on another person's energy; and you will sabotage every relationship you get yourself into until you fix yourself.

Your body, mind, and soul are your precious personal-property. It's up to you to maintain and properly care for them. Not pass-off your brokenness and insecurities in-exchange for love and trust from someone strong and willing to be good to you. How is that equal? How is it fair?

Learn from those past mistakes and the pain. You can only survive when you learn. Not when you allow the pain to overtake you and weaken you to a damaged little girl. What you survive should make you stronger and smarter. Determined to leave the past behind you, and move forward. Put your best foot forward. When you find love, take only what you can give in return.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (11 March 2018):

Honeypie agony auntSorry, OP I'm with the rest of the uncles and aunts, you behavior with this guy is downright ridiculous and if he is smart he will stop talking to you and never look back.

YOU really need to get a grip and look over your OWN behavior.

WHY is it ANY of your business that his EX talked to him in October or ANY time before you two met? It's not!

You haven't even MET this guy is person any you are making nutty presumptions and accusations! That is just ridiculous and you need to grow up or every dude you will EVER meet will run for the hill.

Instead of looking for someone to date online I think you should work on yourself. You will NOT have a successful relationship if you can not change this insecure, petty, selfish and worrisome behavior.

If the shoe was on the other foot would you be OK with a guy acting like that? (I hope not!)

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A male reader, Garbo United States +, writes (11 March 2018):

Garbo agony auntYou met him in January of 2018 but accusing him of stuff that he did in October of 2017. You never knew the guy in October, so how do you expand your boundary to be the judge and jury on matters you never have been involved in. This is alarming not so much about this guy but about general behavior you my exhibit with the next guy, and the next... people don’t want to be around people that have no boundaries.

I doubt you have any chance with this guy. You knew him for ... what, a month? That was just a courtship phase when it is easy to decide if you like someone or not. I think he was polite when he left it at just “incompatible”.

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (11 March 2018):

N91 agony auntWhy would you think this is acceptable behaviour? Looking through his past regarding previous relationships is odd. You've blown it with this guy, use it as a learning experience to NOT do this again.

You're exhibiting controlling and possessive behaviours. You need to nip them in the bud ASAP or you're going to be spooking a lot of guys in future.

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (11 March 2018):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntI think you are asking the wrong question here. You need to be asking "Why am I like this and what can I do to stop?"

This guy has dodged a bullet. Now you need to leave him alone (although I somehow doubt you will) and work on healing yourself so that you don't repeat the same mistakes in the future.

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A female reader, Aunty BimBim Australia + , writes (11 March 2018):

Aunty BimBim agony auntIf he has any brains he will still be running, putting as much distance between you and him as possible.

From the tone of your question you don't even seem to realise the enormity of your actions .... instead trying to white wash them with an excuse of "insecurities."

Two weeks in you were telling him to tell his friends to back off, what the hell! And then stalking his ex, again What the Hell! You snooped and pried and went hunting for crap that you could find things to complain about.

Then when he told you to stop snooping in his past you waited a week to apologise instead of doing it immediately.

Who in real life does that?

You need to seriously consider your actions and if you cant see how bad your behaviour was then I suggest some heavy counselling sessions before you even consider finding a new sucker to spy on.

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