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Why do I feel so rotten when he hurt me so much?

Tagged as: Breaking up, Dating, Health, The ex-factor, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (10 March 2018) 7 Answers - (Newest, 15 March 2018)
A female United States age 51-59, *illette writes:

I made a huge mistake, I've been in a relationship for many years, I have been hurt very badly. Yet I continued to go back time and time again. Long story short he is in a bad place and I tried to be nice and it back fired, now all the I'm sorry's are starting again, blah, blah, blah, he wants me to get over the past. I told him today I will never trust him again and cannot forgive and forget, don't want a life with him. He was trying really hard, but I knew no matter what he did I would never get over the pain he caused me, so why do I feel so rotten for hurting him when he has hurt me so much?

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (15 March 2018):

Honeypie agony auntSet his e-mail to go to the trash. That is where his e-mails so go and where HE should go.

You can do it!

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A female reader, Gillette United States +, writes (15 March 2018):

Gillette is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I need to be stronger then ever now, I am so physically and emotional exhausted, seems like our whole relationship has been dealing with his drama and the rotten things he did. Forgot about the emails, got to block that too. I'm getting emails about everything he is doing to fix things, he's not getting it, no matter what he does I can never forget, and of course there is another drama unfolding, and he really thinks I should help him, he thinks I should forget it and move on, yes I'm moving on without him. Where do I begin? I can't remember a time that it was my life and I could live it without the drama. Thanks everyone for your input, it's difficult, got to remember he doesn't care about anyone else but himself, if he did this wouldn't be happening, I know this is the right thing to do, should of happened years ago!!

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (11 March 2018):

For some reason we all seem to think that because we have to end a relationship; we're supposed to feel numb and calloused. The human brain is too complex, and our emotions run too deep.

There are stone-hearted people who can dump you with no feeling. I don't ever want to know anyone like that. However; if someone was cruel and abusive to you, they create a hardness in you; and you need it to get-away from them!

You are going to experience a full-range of emotions. In-fact you are going to ride a roller-coaster of emotions before it's all over. It's a ride to hell and back!

It would be nice to be apathetic and unfeeling; but that wouldn't really be a good thing. That's what bitterness and cruelty causes within us. That empowers those who hurt us, but it weakens us.

You used to care for your ex; so you're supposed to experience a sense of loss and grief. It's human and it's a good sign. It means you don't intend to hurt anyone and you are aware what kind of pain you can inflict. Remorse and sympathy is felt by those of a kinder nature. Those over-come with vindictiveness and hatred are the ones who take longer to heal. Those overwhelmed with physical and/or emotional/psychological-trauma should seek professional help. It's the unknown damage that can be quite detrimental.

When we become romantically-attracted to our mates, our intimacy produces the hormones oxytocin and vassopressin. It brings us closer together and they are the brain-chemicals that causes attachment. You feel warm and fuzzy in the presence of your beloved. You feel ecstasy during sex.

Those hormones are produced every-time we're around somebody we love. When we are forced to separate; we interrupt the flow. Once supply is cutoff, we feel uncomfortable. We could hate their guts at the time; but still feel agony upon extended-separation from them. Those brain-chemicals are like an addictive-drug. Withdrawal can be a b*tch! Tears you apart inside!

You will actually feel withdrawal as you go through the detachment-process. Which is why people still attempt to try and remain "friends." Hoping to ease the agony and discomfort of withdrawal-symptoms and codependency. Best to go cold-turkey and sweat through it. Get their poison out of your system. The same part of the brain that houses addiction is affected by these "love-hormones."

Letting go is hard; because our subconscious-mind has to come to terms with the breakup, and let go. It struggles to stay in that place it has grown comfortable and well-accustomed to. It is programed for life as usual and normalcy. Breakup is literally a shock!

It's not just a physical act of separating two human-bodies; it's also a mental-process of giving-up hope for the future, all your plans, and surrendering something it took you sometimes years to create and maintain. Facing the end!

My dear, I have been there and I have done that, and boy do I know exactly what you're going through! It's rough! You are going through phases; and now you are experiencing grief. Next comes the anger, resentment, and bitterness; followed by a period of numbness and indifference.

Then the subconscious-mind decides it accepts that the relationship is over. You feel some relief, and come to terms with the finality. You will have relapses. You'll ruminate and get all sentimental, but you must fight your way back. You'll need a fix, and contemplate calling him to make up. Fight the temptation!

Time is the healer, and determination is the fuel that gets you to the stage of recovery. Fight with all your might. Let him go. Don't slow your healing process with self-pity or try to make friends to get a "fix."

Set your goal for full-recovery and to get-over him. Don't let him make you his emotional-band-aid during his hard-times. Just to be dropped when he finds somebody else. Surrender no power over your feelings to him. Let him go through his own healing-process. That requires you to stay out of his life. So do not contact him, and do not inquire on how he's doing. Mind your own business and take care of YOU!

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A female reader, mystiquek United States + , writes (11 March 2018):

mystiquek agony auntOP, don't be so hard on yourself! You were with the man for a long time and you loved him. Even when someone we love and care about hurts us very deeply, it isn't that easy to just let go and walk away. You must have so many memories and I'm sure that even with all the bad some of the memories must be happy. It isn't like we can just turn off a switch and say "Ok I don't care anymore". Sadly it doesn't work that way although it sure would be easier if it did!

Give yourself time and space to grieve over the loss of the relationship. It won't happen over night. As the other aunts have stated, you are a good and caring person and it doesn't sound like its in your nature to hurt someone. You don't like to.

Remind yourself that in the end, you had to look out for yourself. You needed to walk away so that you could be happier. Again, be kind to yourself. When you start to feel nostalgic, think of what you went through with him and remind yourself WHY you ended things. Its painful but trust me, it works. Its alright to walk away. Sometimes we just have to save ourselves.

I walked away from a 15 year marriage from a man who had become my enemy, someone that I had loved with every fiber of my being. He became an alcoholic and I just couldn't put up with the abuse any longer. He begged me not to leave him, but after years of watching him destroy himself, our marriage, making his children not want to be around him, I knew I had to get out. It hurt but I needed to save myself.

Its ok. I know it sounds hollow right now but things WILL get better. Little by by day until one day it won't hurt like it does right now and you'll know you made the right decision for YOU. *HUGS*

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (11 March 2018):

Honeypie agony auntYou feel bad because you CARE. You need to understand though that when a relationship is unhealthy and unhappy trying to revive it over and over is not going to work.

The sooner you ACCEPT that you can CARE for someone but not be a good match, the better.

As for forgiveness. At some point I will urge you to give YOURSELF forgiveness for having been with the guy, for trying again and for feeling like you "should" have been able to make it work. Forgive yourself. And LEARN from this. Don't hold onto resentment or regret, it's just NOT worth it. So let HIM go and and let the past go with him.

CUT him out of your life (if that is possible) and focus on you. Do things you enjoy, spend time with people you care about and who cares about you.

IT IS OK!! that you can't go back. IT IS OK!! that you don't WANT to go back. IT IS OK!! that you don't want to relive past hurts with this guy and IT IS OK!! that you can't forgive him or forget what he did.

Look to the future, enjoy life.

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (11 March 2018):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntBecause you are a nice person and nice people don't like hurting others, regardless of what hurt they have suffered at their hands.

Now you need to be nice to YOURSELF. Guilt is a completely useless emotion. It achieves nothing. Put YOURSELF first and keep reminding yourself you made the decision for all the right reasons. You cannot stay with this man who has broken your trust just to save him pain. You already know, if you do, you will just suffer more pain yourself and you are worth better than that.

If he won't stop contacting you, block him for your own peace of mind and keep yourself busy with other stuff you enjoy (seeing friends, going to the theatre, reading, watching stuff you enjoy)to take your mind off him. It will eventually become easier. Spring is upon us. A fresh start. Make it a fresh start for you as well.

Hugs and best wishes. x

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A female reader, Aunty BimBim Australia + , writes (11 March 2018):

Aunty BimBim agony auntYou are going through the grieving process. You will be grieving the lost relationship and your lost hopes and dreams, the might have beens instead of the horrid what were's.

Take a little while to feel sad, you were in the relationship for many years, you cant just get over it within a few short weeks.

Pamper yourself, do nice things for yourself, and things you enjoy no matter how small or silly those things might be. Remind yourself you are much better without his negative influence in your life and that when you told him to go you were also telling the pain and hurts to go with him.

It will get better.

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