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Am I overanalysing? I feel sad and confused.

Tagged as: Dating, The ex-factor, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (10 March 2018) 5 Answers - (Newest, 12 March 2018)
A female United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

Hello all. Your opinions would be appreciated. Thanks.

I've been with my boyfriend for about 9 months and we have not mentioned the 'i love you' words nor has he met my family yet. Is this normal? Recently, things were changing because we have not been as intimate as we were. I ended up having a bad mood when I last saw him and have some doubts now. We talked and he said he doesn't really know why we have less sex to maybe he just want it to be different sometimes. I asked if 1 time a week is fine with him and he said yes. Should I make that change? After processing his thoughts he told me being comfortable and feeling secured are probably creating the different things happening. He mentioned he had strong and heavy feelings for his last ex but they aren't that way towards me. Honest but brutal; the words definitely aren't pleasant and are hurtful even though it is his past. Why did he say it? He further stated he realized his feelings were strong for his ex but they may have been more of an obsession than real feelings. The relationship gave him stress but our relationship is filled with good feelings and I'm a very trustworthy person, which is a rare quality to him. He told me if we broke up for any reason he would miss me a lot and will regret it if he is the one who leaves me. A side of me felt better hearing what he said but a side of me feels he was just giving a good reason to how we are doing lately. I enjoy our time a lot with or without sex. Sex isn't what defines the relationship but it's important. I did ask him after 6 months if he loves me and his answer was he doesn't know. This left me a little sad of course but I wasn't expecting him to say he does. He could have at least reassured me he would like it to get there in the future or else why is he in a serious relationship with me? I'm just feeling sad, okay, and a little confused altogether. My feelings are mixed. What should I do? What's going on? Am I being unreasonable or overanalyzing things?

View related questions: broke up, his ex

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A female reader, louiselistens United Kingdom +, writes (12 March 2018):

louiselistens agony auntHi anonymous writer,

I can understand why you would be feeling confused in your relationship. Relationships are complicated and don't always flow the way we want them to. It isn't easy trying to be close to another person and open yourself up to great possibilities, at the risk of potentially being hurt. I imagine both you and your boyfriend are having trouble balancing the risk with the benefits of being in a happy, loving relationship.

Relationships aren't per-scripted, there isn't and shouldn't be a set time when milestones are achieved. you will meet his family and he will meet yours when you are both ready for that to happen. Saying 'I love you' will come naturally when you both feel it. As for sex? Well that will take care of itself in time. Sexuality and passion, like any other feeling, cannot be forced. It will come back when you both feel it there.

Don't put too much pressure on you and your boyfriend to conform to any milestones you are picturing or set schedules for intimacy. Ease that pressure off, relax and enjoy each other's company. If you do that, who knows what will happen next.

Best wishes

louiselistens.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2018):

I honestly think that anyone after 9 months knows how they feel .. his wishy washy attitude would have me concerned if I were in his shoes - not meeting his family or friend can I ask what’s his excuse ?

Look this will probably not be what your wanting to hear and you may cling on for longer hoping it works out . Reading what he has said I wouldn’t just be mega sad I’d be mad - as no one has the right to use you as a filler and that’s what he has done .

Walk away with pride and who knows he may realise what he’s lost and if he doesn’t you have your answer

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (11 March 2018):

[EDIT]:

"If this man can't get his ex out of his head; then he is wasting your time. He has no right to place you on-hold; while he figures-out his feelings for his ex."

"Over-thinking is an insecurity! We have to employ some maturity, patience, and wisdom; as we cultivate new relationships."

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (11 March 2018):

First-off, let me say "where there is an ex, there is a why (?)!" He left his ex, and he even admitted that he didn't even know if his feelings were real; or just an obsession.

Honesty is difficult when having a discussion about your feelings; because you have to be pretty clear to the understanding and feelings of the other person. Honesty is often difficult to digest; if you don't hear what you want to hear.

Trust has to be established before the words "I love you" are exchanged. If there is no trust; the words are meaningless, and just words. I think you're both in the infancy of developing trust. Give it time.

You should introduce him to your family, and you should meet his. You've committed to each other; so it's time to reveal your origins and kinfolk. It aids in developing trust; the better you get to know each other.

Sex is not always a good gauge of how someone feels about you. Uneven sex-drives may be deceptive. Too many factors may figure into the causes for the lack of it. Health, insecurities, or low testosterone-levels. Of course, pining for somebody else can't be dismissed. Time will tell.

Not to say, sex shouldn't be very important; and you shouldn't be deprived of it. It differs in importance from one person to the next. You have a right to set your own standards and criteria on what you want in a relationship. You don't have to compromise to your own deprivation, just to have somebody.

Yours is a very new relationship. Men are very slow about discussing or proclaiming our feelings of love. Some guys withhold it until he feels it's the right moment; while others are fearful of true-confession, because he knows great responsibility comes behind those words. You must be patient and focus on the way you are treated. Paying most attention to his values. How he extends kindness, his ability to show you affection, temper-control, and trustworthiness. Must have all of the above!

If this man can't get his ex out of his head; then he is wasting your time. He has no right to place you on-hold while he figures-out he's feelings for his ex.

It's now about you! You must make that abundantly clear to him. If he can't shake his feelings for her; then he should not be stringing you along.

To be honest, I just think you need to pace your feelings and allow the relationship time to get better-established. Stop looking for signs of weakness or finding faults.

Over-thinking is an insecurity, and we have to employ some maturity, patience, and wisdom as we cultivate new relationships.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (11 March 2018):

Honeypie agony auntIf his family lives close by (close enough for a visits) and friends as well, then yes, after 9 months I find it a little odd that he hasn't introduced you to them IF he is looking for a LONG TERM relationship with you - however, when you look at what he said (when he compared his feelings for you and that of the ex) I don't think he is really seeing you as a LONG TERM option. You seem like his rebound.

As for the "I love you" again, I think if he isn't sure after 6-9 months that he has feelings for you... I don't think he will. Not to the extend that you would like him to do, or that HE wants to feel. To me it makes it feel like he is stringing you along in hopes that being will you will help him get over the ex and maybe.. perhaps.. in time he will come to love you. I don't think that is fair on you nor realistic.

So no, I don't think you are being unreasonable or over-analyzing things.

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