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I kissed my ex when on a break from my boyfriend!

Tagged as: Big Questions, Cheating, Dating, Flirting, The ex-factor, Three is a crowd, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (11 September 2018) 4 Answers - (Newest, 13 September 2018)
A female United States age 22-25, anonymous writes:

I need help, me and my boyfriend always break up and this time I thought we broke up for good, but no. He came back like always. But while we broke up I kissed my ex. And I feel so bad about it but I don’t know what to do. My boyfriend told me he hopes we don’t last another day if I’m lying. I told him that I didn’t do anything with anybody. But I got drunk and kissed my ex, and the next day, my boyfriend texted me and wanted to talk again, so we are. But I feel like my ex (the one I kissed) will tell everyone and everyone will find out although he said he wouldn’t tell anyone, or I feel like I will feel so guilty and my boyfriend will see it in my face thag he knows I lied. What do I do? How can I stop feeling bad or prevent anything from happening?

View related questions: a break, broke up, drunk, my ex, text

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (13 September 2018):

N91 agony auntInstead of keep breaking up and getting back together, why not find someone that you have a continuous healthy relationship with? It’s extremely obvious that you two aren’t compatible or you wouldn’t keep going on breaks.

Can you not see that for yourself? Relationships that are meant to be DO NOT keep stopping and starting.

This break is the perfect time for YOU to end things for good and move on with your life. Stop wasting your time with someone who’s not a good match for you.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2018):

It sounds as if your boyfriend has a lot of control over you. He dictates whether or not you are in a relationship as you go back to him every time he calls. He also dictates what you are, and what you are not allowed to do, when he has apparently broken up with you.

This means that from his perspective, he can drop you whenever he likes, but maintain control over you so that you don't have any relations with anyone else while he wants to be single and then expects to get back with you, which he does, whenever he wants.

He's got it made hasn't he? Why do you allow this control? Do you like to be this passive? Are you scared of him? Or do you think you love him so much, that you will allow anything?

Of course you shouldn't have lied to him, although I think that it's none of his business. I also get the feeling that you're afraid of him? I would advise that you break from him for good. He does not sound as if he is good for you at all. But somehow I don't think you will take this advice.

What you can do to prevent him from finding out, I don't know, but I think it would be a god send for you if he did. He may well see from your face that you have lied, but again, he had no right to ask you. I think that you lied to him because you either don't want to lose him or you are scared of him. Neither sound good, because when you were broken up, you should have been free to do whatever you wanted. Do you know what he was doing while you were broken up? Have you ever asked him? I hope you have the strength and courage to see this man for what he is and break up with HIM. And mean it.

Then get on and be happy in life, not plagued by stress and anxiety because of him.

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (11 September 2018):

aunt honesty agony auntIf you are always breaking up then you need to ask yourself why? This is not normal for a relationship, so obviously it is not working. You need to ask yourself can you see a future with this?

As for lying to him, what you do when single is none off his business but lying to him and saying you done nothing was wrong off you. How can you start this relationship again on a lie? You know if it comes out and these things do tend to come out then he will never trust you again. You can live in hope that it never will come out, but the guilt might eat you up inside. My advice would be to tell him the truth and if he says it is over then don't keep going back to him when he clicks his fingers.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (11 September 2018):

Honeypie agony auntWhy do you keep getting back with this Bf of yours?

If you two constantly break up, it's NOT a good or healthy relationship. It's NOT working!

The fact that you kissed someone else SO easily might also be an indication that you know the on/off relationship with your BF isn't working and might NEVER work.

But back to the issue at hand. You lied to your BF. You said you didn't do anything while on a break. You shouldn't have. You should have told him, that what YOU (and he) do while on a "break" shouldn't matter. Especially if you thought it was really over this time. Are you supposed to sit on your hand and not meet new people JUST in case he comes back? (another reason to END this pseudo relationship for good).

So you have two choices;

- keep lying and be "outed" by your ex (which is a possibility)

- fess up and accept what comes.

If you tell your on/off BF that you kissed your ex and he breaks up with you, then STAY broken up and MOVE on.

OP, relationships are NOT light-switches. A good solid relationship doesn't go on/off ... on/off.. So you two are just wasting each other's time with this immature dating on/off thing. While I get that you are both ( I presume) young and probably don't have much real relationship experience, consider that if you WANT a serious relationship you HAVE to take it seriously, and that means when crap hits the fan you and your partner WORK out the issues, not just break up for 5 minutes and then pretend all is well and get together again. That just won't work.

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