A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I recently found out that my wife has been having an affair for the past two years with a single male friend of ours who we had a drunken threesome with two years ago..that threesome which i initiated wasnt so fullfilling for me, since i had problems with ED, and couldnt get hard for some unknown reason...after a little hesitation my wife and our friend really got into it, and went at each other like wild animals in heat, while i basically could only watch them, frustrated...they couldnt seem to get enough of each other all nite..after that nite i NEVER bought up the idea of a threesome again to my wife,or her to me, but now fast forward two years later, i find out from a private investigator i hired, that my wife and this guy continued seeing each other behind my back, usually at his place..i heard the audio tapes of their phone conversations,,two years is a very long time... But her and I were also having marital sex, and dealing with my erectile dysfunction for the last two years too, so I'm confused..also a co-worker of mine told me that he saw them together at a bar when he knew that i was at work.. the investigator recently told me that lately he has not returned her numerous phone calls, and that she has been driving past his apartment at nite, but not going in...he said just kind of stalking him ...I plan on confronting her with everything i know.....what do you think? We're married three years, and have no children...
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male
reader, Welltraveled +, writes (30 November 2020):
Okay, OP do yourself a favor and pay no attention to what any of the people before me have said in response to your issue. Its obvious that none of them have ever tried anything similar to this so why would any of them be able to provide any helpful insight? If you need electrical work you don't call a plumber!Being a very experienced threesome-ist and having had nearly 20 myself (most of which were had as part of the couple inviting the third to come and play. mff mfm fmf are all three of the variety I have experienced) let me tell you that there is nothing wrong with having a threesome. There is however something very wrong with your wife deciding to cheat on you thereafter the initial threesome. Let me put it to you like this. You all consented(please pay attention to that word as it is the most important word to remember) to and decided to try something and only two of you enjoyed it. Fine you live you learn and you move on. The jealousy you felt because of that first time is in fact your own fault. Because you consented to the threesome and it didnt turn out how you imagined. They rarely do to be honest. It wasn't fun for you so you never brought it up again. That is how normal adults handle adult situations. What your wife did after is plain old cheating because she never recieved your consent to do so. Period. End of discussion. Consent is a powerful word and it is the only one that matters. Lets say for instance you and the wife had decided to join another couple on a vacation and in doing so you spent a little more then you should have. Oh well deal with it. Now let's say that you decided to spend money frivolous without your wife's consent or knowledge and even took serious measures to keep the spending a secret. Is your continuous spending your wife's fault for consenting to doing it together, one time 2 years ago, that you were also present for and enjoyed? No in this instance your spending is shit! You are spending your collective (married and what's mine is yours and yours is mine mentality) money and making sure to cover your tracks. When you cover your tracks that little voice inside lets you know you are doing something wrong. If not why are you hiding it. Just because you consented to one thing while you were an involved party does not give them the right to continue to do that behind your back and hide it from you. Any reasonable adult will agree. You consented to a threesome not a poly marriage where one person hides their other significant other from you for two years!
A
female
reader, mystiquek + ♥, writes (13 January 2020):
 Have you ever heard the story of Pandora's box? A box filled with evil and it was to never be opened but of course someone just couldn't curb their curiosity and opened it and let all the evil out into the world. This is what you have done to your marriage. I feel sorry for you OP but you went into this threesome willingly. Now the box is opened and you can't close it. I'd say if your wife has been hooking up for 2 years that there's a good possibility that she might love the other man.
Its doubtful from you have said that the marriage can be repaired. Its very hard to come back from cheating. Yes some couples survive it but most do not. The trust is broken and it takes ALOT of hard work to be able to trust a cheater again.
Talk to your wife. Tell her you know. Ask what she wants. Be prepared for the worst. End it. Just a little advice...its ok to have fantasies that you never act out. Hell of alot easier in the long run too.
Good luck. I know you are hurting. LEARN from this. Be good to yourself.
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A
female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (13 January 2020):
 You're married for 3 years and she's been cheating for 2? Does she stalk you? Run after you? Pine after you? OP it seems as though she just may just actually really like this guy... Like actually like him, perhaps love him. Not to make you feel bad but you did play cupid and basically set them up. That's something that you have to take responsibility for. Also, suggesting something so destructive after only a year of marriage, I don't know where your mind was in that moment... You probably thought it would be fun, sexy and easy to brush off but surely once you saw what a good time they were having and how you actually weren't needed in the moment, you felt some type of way? This is your wife, if it made you uncomfortable, then you should have said something... Even in the moment you should have said something.
You really did set your marriage up for failure. This is not a matter of holding her responsible alone, you had a major part to play by offering up your wife on a silver platter, to some other guy, who seems to be able to fulfil her in some way that you can't otherwise she wouldn't have kept it going for most of your marriage.
I don't know what there is to do. Obviously if she felt remorse, she would have come clean on her own and it wouldn't have taken you time and money to find out the truth. She probably will act remorseful when you approach her. She may even apologize but remember what you're presented with and keep in mind the fact that she kept choosing him and still is or she wouldn't be stalking the guy.
Only you can decide what you want to do moving forward. Only you can decide whether this is a dealbreaker or not. Let this be a lesson to you, that fantasies are just that and the reality of the situation probably will be disappointing and completely different to what you thought it would be. This Fantasy cost you your marriage. I doubt it was worth it in the end.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2020): Okay boys and girls, I want you to read this post from this OP a minimum of three times.
It will help you to sense and empathize with his grief and profound disappointment.
Print it, and tack it to the headboard; or share it with friends through social media.
Just advising people here on DC of the consequences of testing the cohesiveness of their monogamous-relationship or marriage isn't really enough. They need true-life experiences and anecdotes from real-people to actually grasp the magnitude of the realities of some of the self-indulgent, over-the-top, promiscuous behaviors and activities commonly attempted by couples. Done without giving reasonable consideration before actually turning sexual-fantasy into a reality. Fantasy is all make-believe; but reality happens with consequences, and you cannot erase what is true and real! It doesn't just disappear as a passing-thought! You can't wake-up from reality!!!
Opening your marriage to the public is giving your mate your permission to expand their own fantasies; or to seek extra-helpings...when the first-serving was so good, it just wasn't enough!!! Once you walk through that door, be prepared for what's on the other side. "Taking a walk on the wildside" is exactly what the phrase implies...it gets wild!!! You are gambling with human-nature, emotions, and fate!
Before pulling-out all the stops, and testing the limits of what your relationship can survive. Before considering "getting your freak-on" with that plus-one-more; and applying porn-inspired themes by introducing a third-party into your love-life. Always ask yourself...are you truly and really ready for this???
The next new flavor you try, just might become your favorite; and you just might get hooked on it!
There are two infallible secrets to a very long and successful marriage:
(#1) Don't get a divorce.
(#2) Don't do stuff that will make your spouse want a divorce!!!
OP, now you know she's having an affair. How angry can you possibly be, when you're the one who set it all up?
Go ahead and confront her. Then you can both decide which man she'd rather be with, and that will settle it.
Two-years is a pretty well-established romantic-connection; and it won't be easy to undo. You'll never trust her again. You even went through the expense and trouble of hiring a private-investigator. That's a lot of drama, and we on DC don't make this stuff up! Well, sometimes the OP's might have vivid imaginations. It comes with the territory, and we can often tell when it's fake. I think this one is real!
I'm sorry, anonymous OP! You don't get to be all judgy and self-righteous. It's mostly your fault, my friend!
I would hope you could possibly salvage your marriage, and recover from this. Be prepared for the worse case scenario.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (12 January 2020):
 This is very much the common outcome for many people who think 3-somes will be as great as they are in their fantasies. They instead become somewhat of a nightmare.
You guys had ONLY been married a year when the notion of a 3-some came up? What were you thinking? Wanting to share your NEW wife with a friend? I mean what did you REALLY think would happen?
If my husband had made that suggestion after ONLY a years marriage I would have been upset. I would have thought that he was bored with the marriage and the sex. OR that he perhaps were also into men and that this was his excuse to try it with a guy. Now all that could have been ABSOLUTELY wrong. But a mind work to try and sort things out.
I would also have asked if he would want a divorce because my answer would be a hard no to a 3-some.
Now, I get that some people are WAY more adventurous sexually than me, and that is fine, for them. But how sure were you that your WIFE would really want this?
And when you guys got back to your place and you couldn't get it up, WHY not call it off?
You might be asking yourself WHY did SHE still have sex with him in front of you? maybe initially to PLEASE you. IF this was YOUR fantasy. After all some men get off from watching their spouse/partner have sex with someone else.
I think your marriage is over. Your wife has for the past 2 years keep the other guy around for hook ups. Maybe she even care for him too.
This was YOUR fantasy and it went wrong. That is the difference between a fantasy and reality.
In reality a 3-some for many people is just not as sexy or hot as porn. Newsflash, porn is fake. Porn is scripted. Reality isn't.
I think instead of confronting her, I would just serve her with divorce papers. There is nothing here to work out. SHE made the choice to keep seeing him and cheat on you. Maybe as a sort of punishment for your fantasy, who knows? Doesn't make the cheating ok.
I really can't see how this can be "fixed". You both FUCKED up the marriage by adding a 3 person to your sex life. There will not be the same closeness or trust that you once had, Sorry.
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A
female
reader, NORA B  +, writes (12 January 2020):
That is the Price you pay for a Threesomes..always someone will get hurt...The trust is broken...The Love is broken.The friendship is broken...Is there a future in this relationship..that is the question..Talk to your wife and suggest going to a counsellor immediately..as you cannot work this out without help.For you the question is ..why as her husband did you initiate a Threesomes..? Kind regards NORA B.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (12 January 2020):
 I'm with Youcannotbeserious. This is why threesomes are such an awful idea. You initiated it, you suffered the consequences. Who knows how your wife felt when you wanted a threesome or how she feels now. Sufficed to say, it's a good thing you have no children.
When you confront her, bear in mind that you started this, to a degree. It may be thrown in your face that YOU instigated it and she may not have cheated, if you both hadn't introduced anyone into the bedroom. It is her fault for cheating, but you had your part in it.
Do you love her? Not once have you said you love her.
Do you want to try marriage counselling? You haven't said anything about wanting to fix this.
Ultimately, I think the threesome (especially so early on in your marriage) doomed your relationship. What came after could have been predicted - which I'm afraid doesn't help you feel any better.
Confront her with the evidence and expect a full blown explosion of anger on both sides - just don't let it get abusive. I think you'll end up with divorce and maybe a lesson learned on both sides about the danger of threesomes.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2020): You invite this buddy to have sex with your wife -- "went at each other like wild animals in heat." I would have bet $ million they'd hook up again and again. Usually the first time isn't that good but gets better. They started like porn stars. Would love to be a fly on the wall the 10th time. Then there's your ED and horny wife. I totally understand her infidelity -- she never gives sex with buddy a thought -- and you set it up.
Sort of like never having a Kobe Steak and someone gives you a free one with 'come back for free ones anytime"
Threesomes ares pillow talk for lots of couples - but it's just that -- hot to talk about but rarely happens. I read in my wife's Cosmo 8% of women had one. My wife would like to try one on vacation and never see the guy or girl again. But I'll bet another $ million it never happens.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2020): You real what you sow.This is on you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2020): So you opened a can of worms, they ended up liking each other sexually, encouraged by you and continued it, wow now that's a surprise.
She caught feelings for him, he has now backed off and you are wondering what to do with what you know.
Well it all depends on how she feels about you and if she wants monogamy or other men sexually. She clearly liked the other man, or at least that aspect of it. All you can do now is sit down and have that honest talk to her, maybe marriage counseling is also now in order to see if this is salvageable.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2020): (after a little hesitation my wife and our friend really got into it, and went at each other like wild animals in heat).
TBH being married for many years and claiming to understand a little in female mentality I just can't imagine that happening. I could be mistaken.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (12 January 2020):
 If ever there was a cautionary tale about why threesomes are NEVER a good idea! I have to wonder why you would even consider a threesome after only a year of marriage. This is the price you pay for getting your wife involved with another guy. Lesson learned.
What to do going forward? Do you want to save your marriage or do you want out? Does SHE want to save your marriage or does she want out? If you BOTH want to work at saving your relationship, you both need to talk honestly (possibly with professional assistance and guidance) and figure out how you can go forward, given that your trust in her will be severely weakened by her affair.
This is another of those posts where I would love to hear your wife's side of the story. Did she feel pressured into having the threesome? Did she feel like you could not love her if you were willing to involve another man in your sex life? Is your sex life unsatisfactory (for either of you)? So many questions which will need answering before you can decide what to do.
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