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I blurted out I LOVE YOU to my married boyfriend. Why does he still want to be with me?

Tagged as: Cheating, Dating, Marriage problems, Sex, Three is a crowd<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (8 August 2017) 31 Answers - (Newest, 14 August 2017)
A female age 36-40, anonymous writes:

I told my married boyfriend of 3.5 years that I LOVE HIM yesterday. It just came out. I did not mean to say it but I did. He was asking me why do I stay with a guy like him? He called himself average, boring, not so attractive yet said I am beautiful and interesting and can have my pick of men. Why would I want a guy like him? He has been asking me this question for some time. And I never said I love you until yesterday.

I thought that for sure hearing the magic words would be a death knell to this relationship. But he still wants to be with me.

Why would he not run away? Surely, it's not what he wants. A woman who loves him rather than a woman who just wants sex from him.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2017):

If he is still trying to hang onto you, rest assured there is nobody else. For now.

Your worries will be how long will he be yours until he does find somebody new. After all he has proven himself a liar and cheater who is selfish and entitled by what you have said. Or when will he decide to leave you because he is tired of the affair and all the work it involves. He is lazy. This will apply to the level of work he must put in to this affair in order to keep you happy and strung along.

You have needs and there is nothing wrong with having needs. They are normal. He gets his nose out of joint because he can only meet your sexual needs but he knows that you need far more than that. He also knows you are going to walk away someday because he is not what you need. That is why he has prepared himself all along to let you go eventually. That is why he is milking it for all it is worth. He wants to keep the sex without making a huge effort or sacrifice in his life. He probably knows he would find some other willing victim down the road but as the others said, why would he need to do that when he has you?

He will want to keep you for himself. He does not want other guys sniffing around you. He knows fully well that you are quite a catch to other men. But he is so selfish that he wants to keep you for his own gratification than to let you go and find a man who truly loves you and can meet all your needs. If he really loved you, he would let you go. Or leave his wife.

This is one selfish man.

You are lowering yourself to be with him. And he is feeding you bullshit to keep you delusional.

Deep down you know he is scum and you can do better. This is the battle you are now fighting since the rose coloured glasses have come off.

It is going to erode your self esteem more and more the longer you stay with him.

You were right when you said the sex is no longer enough.

It will end this way for all women who would get involved with him or a married guy. We all want more from them. They can't give us more. The smart ones may have a nice fling/sexual escapade for a little while and then bail out. The naïve ones, the good hearted, et all tend to stay longest and trap themselves in this fantasy world, one which will never become real or see the light of day.

You have the strength to walk away. You are better than him. You have the power. He doesn't. You just need to realize that on your own.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2017):

Hmmmm.

Who says he has to cheat with single and available women?

There are plenty of unhappily, desperate, sex deprived married women looking for a guy to bang on the side. Either for just the sex or to fill in an intimacy void. Or both.

He could very easily fit the bill if he taps into THAT market.

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom + , writes (13 August 2017):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntOP, stop obsessing about why. It won't help you because you're ignoring the why: it's EFFORT to find another desperate woman willing to be a side piece and have no morals, while you'll stay for free.

You may be a good person, but you haven't been for the last few years because you've helped someone cheat on their innocent wife. Take responsibility for that, stop making it about you being the victim.

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (12 August 2017):

CindyCares agony aunt OP, .. do you really honestly seriously believe that he can have his pick among women willing to spread their legs for him ? ( If he pays , maybe ! )

First of all, he is MARRIED and not inclined to change his status. That makes him as desirable as a close encounter with poison ivy for a whole lot of women. Not only because of moral scruples ( that too!; believe it or not, most women would not touch a married guy with a ten feet pole ) but mostly because the average woman does not aspire to the permanent position of second fiddle and eternal backstreet girl. They do not want to share, they do not want to hide, they do not want to stoop to humiliating compromises.

Second, to be frank... by your own description, basically this is an unattractive gassy fartsy old codger . With a knack for deception and manipulation, and a humongous selfishness and sense of entitlement. What a catch.

Do not be so naive to assume that he can have anybody he wants. Sure, there must be other women as vulnerable, gullible, lonely and obsession. prone as you or more- but it would take some doing to rope them in, and , since most cheaters are also lazy, I am sure the status quo suits him just fine. Minimal effort for maximum result.

It's clear that you want us to say, why sure !, he must love you with all his heart if he stays - but I doubt you are going to hear that, because apparently your definition of love is more superficial and undiscriminating than average .

You seem to take any form on non sexual interaction like a miracle, any crumb of attention like a love gift. Now sure , it's good that ( If ?) he sees you more than some easy undemanding lay, and that you can spend time also out of bed , having conversations or going shopping or whatnot. But- is this so surprising ? and do you have to be so pathetically grateful just because at times he treats you as the human being you are, rather than as an inflatable doll ? That's NORMAL. It's the bare minimum that you can expect from anybody who is not a total brute and wants to have a ( clandestine ) relationship .

You can have a lot of fun together and have a really great time during your " dates ", but, yes, basically it's still all fun and games. Not strictly sexual only fun and games, of course- yet- a passtime. A recreational activity. A hobby, if you wish.

Love is when you want to make a LIFE, a future with a person. When you want to "live" them and be with them at 360°, involving them in every aspect of your life.

If he loved you- he'd would be with you officially and full time. As simple as that.

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (12 August 2017):

N91 agony auntBecause he already has you where he wants you.

He would have to convince another woman to help him cheat on his wife if he were to go elsewhere. Why go through all the hassle when he could just feed you a few lines to keep you hooked?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2017):

It's the OP again.

I am not sure why he keeps trying to hang onto me. I mean why? Why, if sex, fun and games is all he wants?

I am sure there would be women willing to spread their legs.

I am just trying to understand WHY he is so adamant about wanting to stay with ME. Especially if he wants to play the field? Why doesn't he just leave and go do that? Surely a "second wife" would now be more trouble than he bargained for.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2017):

Wow. Thank you everybody for your answers. Very eye opening.

As an update, I told him yesterday that being with him is becoming emotionally destructive to me. Yes, I love the sex but sex isn't enough anymore. Do you know what I mean?

It's like I am seeing him now as a bad person who is cheating on his wife with me. And I have lost all respect for him. I guess my blinders were on in the beginning. I am distancing myself and think I've been distancing myself for months to prepare myself for the obvious ending. It's never a happy one for us mistresses.

I read somewhere that someone said he put alot of mileage on her. WiseOwl I think. That comment really struck me. I often feel like the fancy toy he's been playing with or the sports car he's been driving for fun. Not the family station wagon so to speak. Lol

And referring to the last poster, yes, I am constantly haunted by his ability to cheat on me too. It keeps me awake at night. I have panic attacks. And yet I have stayed with him. I bring up my concerns to him all the time and we are always having discussions about my fears of him cheating. It's a constant vicious cycle where I keep accusing him and he keeps telling me he is not cheating on me. He is happy with me and wants/needs no other woman. I try so hard to believe him but I just can't. I worry he is saying what I want to hear. At this point every word that is coming out of his mouth just sounds like bullshit. There is a possibility he might be truthful but I worry about tomorrow. When will the moment come that my replacement walks into his life? Or somebody that's attractive enough that he will have sex with her just because he is selfish and entitled. He does not give a damn about his wife's feelings while he is having sex with me. He could easily not give a damn about my feelings when he is having sex with another woman.

I AM a good person and I have a lot to offer. But I have begun to feel devalued by him. I feel unimportant. Not so special. I always worry about what he is doing behind my back. I mean every moment of everyday I worry. Never been through anything like this before. It's taken a huge toll on my emotional and physical health.

In my heart I do believe that he would cheat on me if given the opportunity. Maybe the way I delude myself is my way of hanging on to the dream. He's been part of my life for awhile. Then I ask myself Why? Why do I need him so badly? Why do I need this dream so badly in my life?

I do know I need to get out but I think I need help to do it.

I just feel so lost these days.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2017):

I agree with the last poster.

The only love involved is the love he has for himself. Nobody else.

He stays married not because he loves his wife. He loves the things he gets out of being married. A nice lifestyle, trips, extended family, mutual friends, a reliable partner he can grow old with, a good reputation etc. Nobody he knows would ever guess he could be this type of a guy! Doing this type of a thing! They would all be shocked if they ever found out! The same Mr. Nice Guy act is the one he has perfected with his wife and mistress and family and friends. The very same act he will use to lure in new prey.

He stays in the affair not because he loves his mistress but because of the things he gets from her. Sex, ego boost, hits of the high from sex addiction.

At the end of the day a mistress who thinks it's true love is severely delusional.

Because once she becomes more like a wife, the man will start to open up his playing field. Why? Because he's a cheater. And he can. It is up to the mistress to leave him because he will keep her and the other conquests he scores. The more, the merrier. He will want a woman who wants him badly. In the beginning, they all do. 3, 4 years in the mistress can no longer be brand new no matter how good she is. She will forever worry about him looking for a new thrill. Because that is what she was, still is. But losing her appeal by the day. Too bad she did not see this at the start. It ain't true love. This snake was using you all along. You're not his first and you won't be his last.

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom + , writes (11 August 2017):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntAnon, if you love someone and can be with them, if you just get a divorce, it *is* about not loving her enough. He is selfish - he wants to keep his marriage, but continue being unfaithful. If it wasn't the OP, it would be someone else. A person like that doesn't love their spouse or mistress enough - they just keep saying what both want to hear until they get caught cheating.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2017):

He might love her enough to leave his wife. But he isn't going to. His decision to stay married has nothing to do with love.

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom + , writes (11 August 2017):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntOP, stop indulging yourself. It is hard, but it's your own doing. Stop helping this unfaithful man cheat on his wife.

You deserve better, but at the same time, you don't because you're a willing participant in this betrayal.

LEAVE HIM! Stop making excuses for staying. He doesn't love you enough to leave his wife - that really is what it boils down to.

See a therapist.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2017):

Hi Riot2017, it's the original poster of the question.

He did say he loves me. He went quiet on me for a weekend and I was wondering what's up. It wasn't like him. The next time we saw each other, I asked him why he was not in touch like usual. He said of his own free will: "I love you and I did not get into an affair to fall in love." And he then told me that he was scared. For him to say that to me without me asking or begging him to say it means something. This is really significant for a guy who always tried to keep his feelings under wraps because he never did want his life to change. But sometimes it does. I believe that even though you may try to control or deny your emotions, they are there and they will not hide forever. He kept saying it is a sexual relationship only for a long while but then he said he is attached to me emotionally. For him to actually say the word LOVE to me is a break through. He is the most logical, practical guy I have ever known when compared to my free spirited, dreamer personality. He has always said I make him fly while he keeps me grounded. He is the type to deny his emotions but I know they exist.

He went away for a weekend camping trip with the guys recently. He did not call his wife at all. But he called me and texted me regularly. I know because he let me hear her voice mail wondering when he'd be home because he hadn't been in touch.

When we go for drives, I put my head on his shoulder. We hold hands when he is driving. Once I had bug bites all over my body. He woke up in the middle of the night because I was uncomfortable and he put toothpaste all over them. We had no cream available and he told me that the baking soda in the toothpaste kills the itch. I text him at all hours. Sometimes in the wee hours. He always makes sure he answers. He never ignores me for his other life. It may take a while to get back to me but he always does. He is always thinking of me and doing things for me which will make me happy. He lights up when I am happy. He truly does have a relationship with me. I know it sounds crazy to some but it is true.

We have gone to Florida together. And I am terrified of planes. He comforted me and even laughed at me because my reactions were slightly over the top! He farts in front of me, as well as burps. When we wake up together, he holds me close to him and he loves to snuggle with me. Many times he says he loves to be just in my presence, feeling my body next to him, without ever needing to have sex. Although we do have very passionate sex. Even after this amount of time. He and I are honest with each other. Him brutally sometimes and it hurts me but he said he needs to be honest with me. He has cooked for me, advised me about life problems, helped me get on track financially. He is like my mentor as he is quite a bit older than I am. I have experienced many firsts with him. I was sheltered most of my life and he has taken me to places I have never been, introduced me to things I have never seen and never done. I have learned a lot from him. And experienced a lot. It has been quite the ride. He is only the second man I have ever been with. He has bought my son gifts. He and I share many mutual friends. My family knows about him. My parents, siblings and closest friends. And although they don't agree with my choice because he is not available for a long term future, they understand the choices are mine and it's my life. It has already been detected amongst mutual friends that we are an item. Many are suspicious of us because they sense it. But they don't say anything.

We just fit. And in another time, another place, we would have been meant to be. We are both ourselves around each other, warts and all. He says I am perfect. And I should never change. I have made mistakes and we have gotten into some big arguments but we always work it out and compromise to be together. He has remained committed to what we have. And has never let me down. We can talk together for hours and still share a comfortable silence at times. And we laugh about everything. We laugh and laugh and have had the best laughs together. He makes me laugh. I make him laugh.

He has taken me shopping and watched me try on clothes and picks what he likes. We have gone grocery shopping together. We go dancing together. We somehow connect intellectually as well as physically. We are like minded in many ways.

So, you can see why it's so hard to walk away. I fell for the person, not the situation. I so wish it could have been different. But I knew from the start, the power of this attraction was going to be unstoppable. And I would never do this again with any other man. He had my heart from the beginning. It was never about the conquest or the sex. I have always cared for him.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2017):

Hi Anonymous,

You were with him last night, and have been seeing him for 3.5 years, and his wife is still with him. Are they separated? Why are you asking for advice? Do you want to know if he is going to leave his wife?

State laws make it a pain to divorce when assests and children are involved.

My advice is not to you. His wife should have ran for the hills 3.5 years ago when the affair begin.

He finds himself unattractive, boring, and average, when his lover tells him she loves him. This situation as already gotten out of control and it's starting to diminish his rationale and self-esteem.

To answer your question, why didn't he run away when you told him you love him. He loves or care for you and does not want to let you go because he can find sex at home or online.

Follow your intuition on questions about his love you and if you can not discern what it is telling you begin with guidance from a higher power.

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A male reader, Fatherly Advice United States + , writes (10 August 2017):

Fatherly Advice agony auntAffairs offer something that marriage can't. Risk. Thrill, the smug satisfaction of getting a way with something. In this case Both affair partners are addicted to these rushes. neither would be as happy if he left his wife and married the other woman.

In fact most affairs are unable to make the transition to marriage. With out the thrills, there is not enough to keep them together.

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A female reader, YouWish United States + , writes (10 August 2017):

YouWish agony auntMy existence on this earth is because my dad cheated on his first wife with my mother. She didn't know it at the time, because he never told her he was married. He'd been married for 3 years because he got her pregnant, and in the 60's, you "made an honest woman" out of someone you knocked up.

Upon the knowledge that he was married (he told my mom himself in a fit of guilt), she immediately broke it off and told him to go home and not talk to her again unless he was single. She expected never to see him again.

Six months later, he knocked on her door, about to deploy for Vietnam, and showed her the paper with a finalized divorce. He filed for it within 24 hours of my mom sending him out of there. He got on a plane, flew home, and ended it.

Your guy does not love you. I exist because of that one time a guy left his wife for the "other woman", but 99 times out of 100, the guy in the affair leaves his wife because she kicked him out. The others are right. He's going to SAY that you mean nothing, and she's not going to believe it. But if you REALLY meant something, he would have ALREADY moved heaven and earth to be with you. People in relationships would never consider the words "I love you" to be a death knell after 3.5 years. Think about it.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (9 August 2017):

Honeypie agony auntPreach, YouWish!

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A male reader, Riot2017 Mexico + , writes (9 August 2017):

If he didn't told you that he loves you, it's because he does not love you. That doesn't means he does not appreciate you, but if it's love what you are after, you

are with the wrong person.

If your BF loved you that much and was unhappy enough with his current marriage, he would have divorced a long time ago. But if he keeps promising he'll divorce one day, then, that day may be never.

IMHO, you deserve a man for your own, not a shared man. You would be a lot happier if you weren't hiding and hiding your demands and needs if you were with a man who values you, your love, your affection, and all of what you are.

You deserve a healthy and normal relationship, where both of of you have their needs met.

Do you want to start a family? If so, then you should break this and start a normal relationship now to live with a guy who wants commitment, wants children, and wants what you want.

There are very good guys out there that aren't married and want kids.

Best luck!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2017):

If the wife found out, I am pretty certain that after 3.5 years the mistress has loads of evidence to the contrary of she meant nothing to him and that he never loved her. Oh yes he did or he would not carry on with her this long. But of course he would minimize it to save his selfish and cowardly behind if he were so inclined. But we do not know for sure the actions of other people and what they would do under any given circumstances. He might even give the wife the boot and live happily ever after with his mistress. Who knows?

The wife would learn the truth despite his declarations of the contrary. After all, she has married herself a liar, cheater and manipulator who is also lying to her.

I am also pretty certain that no self respecting wife would want to stay married to a man who has deceived her for this long and hurt her this way as to have a whole other relationship on the side. He might as well have two wives at this point!

This man is narcissistic and loves the idea of two women all his. He does not give any consideration to either of their feelings or hearts. He is only concerned for himself and what he gets out of this deal. It's pretty sweet if you ask me. It's these two women who get the short end.

One day, this man is going to end up miserable and all alone. Playing away from home is a high stakes game. Problem is when you're thinking with your little head instead of your big head, you don't realize it until it's too late.

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom + , writes (9 August 2017):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntIt's much easier to keep a mistress than replace her. You have to be desperate to stay a mistress and they're not all that easy to find. That's why he keeps you around.

This is more than sex for you, but not enough for him to leave his wife. If he really loved you and didn't love her, he wouldn't still be married.

You're wasting your life on a man who will never be yours. It's not a relationship. He's not a boyfriend. It's an affair and he's somebody else's husband. You couldn't trust him even if he did become your boyfriend.

You'll be 45+ before you leave him, if you're not careful. Then what?

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A female reader, YouWish United States + , writes (9 August 2017):

YouWish agony auntI'm really going to get a lot of backlash from fellow aunts about what I'm about to say, but in your case, the fact that you're so incredibly focused on being in love with him and worrying about how he'll react makes it incumbent upon me to shock you.

I'm looking at your age. You're 36-40. Let's put you in the middle of that at 38 for the sake of this post. You've been sleeping with this married man for 3 1/2 years, meaning you've been sleeping with him since you were 35.

Let's say you suddenly came to your senses and decided that you were through being his dirty little secret. That you want an actual relationship where you didn't have to HIDE being in love with a person, and didn't have to worry about their reaction, and most importantly, he would have already said it to you by now. Imagine knowing that he's not saying it every day to another woman, as he surely does whenever they talk on the phone, or leave for work, or when they lie down to bed at night.

Then you, at 38, finally walk away from this affair. It'll then take you time to get over the loss of it, less if you make a clean break and stop all contact like you should, but more if you are like many others and can't resist pining after, calling, cyber-surveiling (spending hours poring over all of his social media)or in other words staying in contact with him and prolonging the breaking up/grieving process. That could take 6 months, a year, maybe more. You're then hitting 40 years old.

Time is stalking you like an enemy. You're going to be middle aged, having spent your youthfulness and sexual vigor on a married man who has nothing to give and everything to take.

You have neither the time, nor the prospects of a younger girl or woman, who often doesn't appreciate what they have and squanders it on men who betray and cheat and suck out all of the sexual goodies you'll give the. The married keep the "girlfriend" experience long enough to get you hooked on them, giving them sex whenever they want it, make zero demands on their time or resources, and decide they will have no one to walk through life with them when they hit 40, 50, 60, and older.

Your guy, saying crap like "why would you want to stay with a guy like me?" HAH! If he really felt that way, he would end things. No. He's manipulating you by self-deprecation. He's playing the stray puppy to pick up, take home, feed a bowl of food, and love. He's doing it because it works.

If he's ever found out, he's going to tell his wife that you meant NOTHING to him. That you came on to him, that he tried to leave you, but you couldn't let him go, and that it was just for sex, that he never told you he loved you, that he's not in love with you, that he never was in love with you, that she is the only one he'll ever want to be with for the rest of his life, I can go on and on.

Just like he told you the sob stories that all cheaters tell their marks -- they're not in love anymore, that there's no sex anymore (that seems to be the common refrain), that she's grown distant, that she doesn't appreciate him, that he's never had these feelings before, whatever. When it hits the fan, it's his marriage they fight for, not the affair.

You don't have much more time. You are throwing away your future. While I believe a woman at any age can find love, society is unforgiving with words like "sexual market value" and "hitting the wall". The men you were used to attracting in your 20's are getting married now. Many 20+men aren't dating 50-year old women, and a lot of guys who are have a lot of baggage. It's not PC to say this, but it is true.

It's time to stop flushing your life down the toilet. You have no relationship or future with this guy. He is using you for sex AND he is sucking out your feelings for him like a vampire. As Honeypie pointed out, the moment you start making DEMANDS, as in spending more time with you or communicating with you or spending holidays with you or meeting his parents or his friends or his children, it's going to end. You know it will, which is why you're freaking out over not restraining yourself.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2017):

Hi, its' the OP.

About 2 weeks ago, he said "I love you" to me too.

But he has too much to lose if he leaves his wife.

I know people judge but we have genuine feelings for each other. Despite the situation. It isn't all about sex.

If he had left her like he said he was going to do within the first 4 months of our relationship, it would be on different footing right now. But he got cold feet.

I don't think it's that easy to leave a long term marriage. And most people are afraid of taking the plunge. Even if they do love someone else. That is why they have another relationship. Because they are not happy in their primary one. But still afraid to leave the comfort and security of it.

I know what I need to do. I have known all along it would eventually come to this. But knowing what you need to do and actually doing it are two different things. It is just so hard to let go of a man you care so deeply for and will miss for the rest of your life. I have had so many first's with him. He has been a big part of my life for so long. I guess I don't look forward to mourning his loss while he is still living. :(

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A female reader, like I see it United States + , writes (9 August 2017):

like I see it agony auntAs long as you're still available for what he gets from this arrangement (the sex), I don't see how it would bother him. If anything, you telling him you love him probably comes across as acceptance of the situation by you even though he's putting in only the minimum effort. In telling him you love him, he knows he's got you on the hook and there's no need to change any part of the situation to keep you around and willing to accept what little he's willing to offer.

After three and a half years he would have taken the steps to be with you properly if that was ever his intention. Are you sure it's not time to cut your losses and find someone who values your time and emotions just as highly as you do theirs?

Think about it. Best wishes!

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (9 August 2017):

N91 agony auntWhy would he stay?

Because you're giving him sex without commitment.

Doesn't take a genius to work out.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2017):

Look I'm not here to judge u because at the end of the day that could be me to -WE CAN all FAlL in that trap- does he have feeling for u? Yes o mean there is a reason for u and him to continue the intimacy- do u deserve this? NO- honestly ur wrapped up in it - love doesn't feel this way and a nice person would be honest with u and not drag u with their insecuries - u don't value ur worth or urself that's why ur with him- its that simple - it's convenient for u not to face ur insecuries and play along with this- but ur not happy- it's a trap that's all it is- get out because even if he leaves his wife it will turn into other things like will he do this to me?! Etc . He is staying with u because - yes to answer ur insecurity he hs some emotions BUT that's not enough for what u want or need

Sending hugs ur way

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (9 August 2017):

Honeypie agony auntI think on some level he cares for you as well. After 3.5 years he HAS invested at least some emotions. So knowing that you LOVE him is not a scary thing unless it came with a "LEAVE your wife or else!!"

As long as the "ILY" doesn't come with a demand I don't think it's a problem at all.

And I don't think it was a big surprise. After all, YOU have stuck out with a man who can offer very little, can not commit and by his own omission is no big catch. If you cared nothing for him, you wouldn't have stayed 3.5 years.

He still gets the better end of the stick, ILY or not.

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (9 August 2017):

CindyCares agony aunt anon male :... But not many married men who are after side sex have got the luxury to pick and choose whomever they want. The guy is not in his prime agewise, he is average, boring and not so attractive by his own definition. Plus, there aren't really droves of attractive ,baggage - free single women, just raring to take up with a married man and be forever somebody's dirty little secret. It's not as he has a lot to offer , unless the woman is rather desperate.

So, if it ain't broke don't fix it. For this guy it's easier and more convenient to keep things as they are. Also because, his mistress telling him that she loves him, does not really do any harm to him. ( In fact, it may be a nice ego boost ). In practice- she loves him and...so what. He still is not going to leave his wife or to bring along the mistress to family events or to involve her in his life more than her specific function of mistress entails. If she loves him,... good ( or bad ) for her. He is not going to change his priorities , habits and home life because of what SHE feels.

It ain't all about sex ? Possible. Seldom any relationship is ALL about one thing.

Then again, it surely ain't about love.

3,5 years are long enough both ways. They are long enough for him to get tired of his mistress if it were all about sexual hijinks. And they would be more than enough for him to make a choice and leave his wife for the other woman if it were anything serious.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2017):

You are all being very harsh and judgemental.

Not many married men who are after side sex stay with the same woman for that long. He would have moved on by now regardess of how she felt about him if sport fucking was all he was after.

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A female reader, Anonymous 123 Italy + , writes (9 August 2017):

Anonymous 123 agony auntI don't think he gives a flying duck about what you say or feel as long as you're sleeping with him. Come on, you're his mistress, we all know how that's going to play out.

However, I just re-read your question again and I think you're trying to say that if he's with you despite your declaration of love and hasn't bolted then it means it might be serious for him too. You're wondering if he loves you back.

Don't delude yourself OP.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (9 August 2017):

You're sex on the side and always available on demand.

He doesn't have to leave his wife, and you said words that really don't mean anything. He's still married.

So, what do we do with his wife?

Oh right, it's a two-for-one deal! It's a win-win for him.

Why would he run?

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A male reader, Billy Bathgate United States + , writes (9 August 2017):

He's still with you because he is getting sex from you. He doesn't care what you say to him as long as the sex keeps coming. He has two women who love him. You and his wife.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2017):

He is still with you because he can have his cake and eat it too.He is married! What about that is so hard to understand?I feel sorry for his wife.I bet when you were a kid you never said...I am going to grow up to be a home wrecker.And sorry but all he does want off you is sex.You probably are not the only one.Grow up and get your own man.

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