A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:So. This isn't really a big deal, but it is something I find really frustrating. I have a bit of a complicated situation with a guy I was with about a year ago. I met him in my home country, we had a fling for a couple of weeks, and then he went back to his country (other side of the world).A few months later I quit my job to go back to school and had a year off, so I decided to travel and one of the places I chose to visit was his country. We had been keeping in touch since he left, and obviously we planned for me to stay with him in his city. I had no idea if it was as friends or something else, but I thought at least we would have some fun for a week or so and then I would leave. The second I arrived, however, it was clear he saw us as in a relationship already, and I ended up staying there for 6 months, in some kind of relationship with him. To be honest, it was awful. He had been so in to me when I arrived but his behaviour was all over the place for those 6 months. He was very possessive and jealous but at the same time he seemed to not want me, and would treat me appallingly. I never felt 'special' to him - I felt like a fool for being there. I stayed because he would tell me he loved me, and we did have fun together sometimes. I felt incredibly insecure, because I was far from home and being treated badly by someone who seemed to think they loved me. I think I was addicted to the intensity of the relationship.In the end I came home and got on with my life back here. I never planned to keep in touch after everything that had happened and having left with the feeling that he didn't care for me in the least, I was surprised to get an email from him a week after I got home. He said he was upset not to have heard from me yet! We stayed in touch for about 6 months, emailing back and forth every week or so. At one point he even told me he still loved me and he missed me. I was really confused. A couple of months after that he told me that he had a 'friend' living with him - a girl who was so attractive, apparently, she had people asking her on dates all the time.I know he was trying to tell me he was in love with someone else, or at least sleeping with someone else, but rather than just telling me the truth, he tried to make me feel jealous. And it worked. It was horrible. I was angry with him (because I do still have feelings for him), so I told him not to email me for a while. He didn't even reply.After 2 months of no contact I felt strong enough to get back in touch. He said he was really happy to have heard from me. We have been emailing regularly for the past couple of months and it's been fine. I thought I was happy having him as a friend and that I no longer had any expectations. I felt like I couldn't be hurt by him anymore.But last week, in response to a (joke) suggestion by me that he come travelling with me (he never leaves his home city), he sent me an email telling me that he still feels pain and disappointment that we didn't work out, and asking how would we do this travelling thing together considering the failure of our relationship in the past. I wasn't expecting this. I thought he would ignore it, but he took it really seriously. It sounded like he might actually be considering coming and I got my hopes up, stupidly. I replied saying we should move on from what happened before, and it would be amazing if he could come, and I told him I still love him (most stupid of all). This was well over a week ago and he hasn't replied.I know I'm a fool for putting any faith in this person. He treated me unkindly when I was in his city and he still doesn't seem to give me enough respect now. He dandles me on the end of a string - I am completely aware of this,The thing I need help with, is HOW do I stop being so foolish? I don't want to lose touch with him. I want to be friends. But I can't help wanting his love above anyone else's and it's driving me crazy. I cannot study because I am so frustrated that he hasn't replied yet! Why is he taking so long to reply to this? It was his email that started this, and now that he's got me so wound up, he's just ignoring me. Why? To make me feel pathetic and stupid? It's working.
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insecure, jealous, move on Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (9 April 2013):
 Well that is one way to look at it. However, if you are being realistic, you will know that you CAN NOT control others actions or feelings only your own. So in essence, YOU let him make a fool of you. Now the thing is you MAY be looking for good in him, and he took advantage of that. That doesn't MAKE you a big fool just a trusting person.
So instead of focusing on the bad, learn from this. And next time you met a guy who doesn't treat you the way you believe you deserve, you know what to do.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAlso, I don't think I've made a fool of myself here. I think he has made a fool of me. Surely a good guy would treat me with more respect than this. I am only a fool because he makes me one.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the advice. I realise I have to cut contact with him. He makes me so unhappy, even from the other side of the world. He doesn't respect me, he just likes the attention I give him. I have given and given in this relationship and received nothing back. He still hasn't replied to my email, two weeks on, and this more than anything should be a sign that he doesn't care! I am finding it so incredibly hurtful that he could just ignore me like this. I have never felt so stupid in my life!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (7 April 2013):
STOP the contact and you won't make a fool of yourself again. It really is that easy.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2013):
Why is he taking so long to reply to you ? Because my sweetie, he can.. You give him all this power in your relationship, and even when you two are not together, you still do...
Yes !! You have to cut contact, you cannot be in contact with a man that treats you like dirty doormat whom he wipes his feet on whenever he pleases..
Concentrate on your study's .. Go out with friends.. Met and dance and laugh with new men, yes this will be hard but also therapeutic . One day you'll wake up and kiss your lucky stars that this relationship did not continue.. That isn't today though.. But it will come ..
Love is a drug and sometimes to move on we have to go cold turkey ..
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (5 April 2013):
The reason you are addicted is because you crave acceptance and he's never quite willing to give it. What you've described here is nothing worthy of lifelong friendship. You recognize you have a problem now do the smart thing and eliminate the problem from your life.
You have to block him on email, facebook, phone, etc. As long as he's able to contact you you'll never be able to move on.
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy  +, writes (5 April 2013):
 Look back at what you've written: "it was awful .. He was very jealous and possessive ... Would treat me appallingly". Read again how you felt when you were with him. Why would you want to be even friends with him, let alone more?
You say you are addicted to the relationship, so do what you would do with any other addiction and go cold turkey. Cut him off. If need be, for your own closure, email him and explain. Then block him. He's doing you no good! It won't be easy for the first few weeks but it'll get easier, you'll start to feel more relaxed and in control and you'll be able to focus your mind on what matters. Then you'll look back and think of it as just a silly episode in your life.
Good luck, I know it's hard.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (5 April 2013):
 How do you stop being so foolish? By cutting contact with him and never speaking to him again. You cannot be friends with someone who you still have feelings for, end of story. And there is no way to force your feelings to go, so you are stuck - either you carry on in this mess never moving on, or you cut contact for good and move on.
He treated you like crap when you were with him, you need to keep reminding yourself of that fact. If you couldnt make it work when you were in the same city living together for 6 months then it will never work, so just accept that he is not the right man for you and that you cannot be friends when you have such a complicated history.
The only way you will ever feel better about this whole situation is to get him out of your life, I know you dont want that but in the long run that is what is best with you. Leave him to sleep with whoever he wants and dont bother with him anymore, he never bothered with you and he never made you happy so there is nothing to cling onto.
There are plenty more guys out there and your obsession with this guy is just holding you back. He wasnt right for you, the relationship didnt work and he didnt treat you very well. Because of the lingering feelings you cant be friends, so just accept it, cut him out of your life and move on.
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