A
male
age
51-59,
*atherly Advice
writes:This question is directed to teenagers 13-17. It has to do with romantic relationships and with relationships with your parents. Any help is appreciated.My son aged 15 met a wonderful girl this past summer. I really like her and hope that things work out for them, even though I am fully aware of the difficulties involved. For some background, They are both of the same religion and both have a spiritual commitment to sexual purity (abstinence). They are currently in a long distance relationship conducted exclusively through e-mail. He doesn't have his own cell phone, and she does not have a Facebook account. I don't read every e-mail, but from time to time I peek at a few just to see if everything is on the level. My son knows I do this. I suppose the girl knows as well. Lately the emails started heating up. There was talk of finding dark secluded places where they could get together. We are pretty sure it is just teasing banter as they are physically separated by a nearly 2 hour drive. The parents, being concerned, talked together and made some suggestions to help lower the sexual tension. We suggested that they have some improved communication. A regular phone (voice) conversation is what we suggested. We also suggested that they start planing a real date as they will both be of age in less than 2 months. They seem to be strongly resisting these suggestions.My question to the teens out there is: Why would you resist this? Is it just upset over the spying? They are not directly complaining about that. Do you think they are afraid of a richer communication experience? Are there other suggestions that we should have made as parents?FA
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (15 November 2013):
 And to second what EWO just posted, I was so thankful for my mother's suggestion that I use her as an excuse not to do something I knew I didn't want to do. "Oh sorry, my mom would has said she would kill me if I did x y or z." Full well knowing that my mom had never said any such thing. I could blame her for not letting me go out with the loud crazy dangerous crowd. It was a great gift from her and I will always thank her for that.
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (15 November 2013):
 F A, my kids were raised before Facebook and cell phones, so I pretty much can't comment. I do think that hands-on parenting is the way to go. My kids have told me it was a good cop-out in situations that made them uncomfortable. "My parents will kill me IF...." It kept my kids safe. Now that they are parents themselves my IQ is exponentially higher.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (15 November 2013):
Hey, FA, I have to say 'thank you' for asking a very personal and compelling question here at the site where you offer insightful and thoughtful advice. I hope this strengthens and enhances your relationship with your son. Good luck.
P.S. I think YouWish is owed a special thanks for her very personal and helpful advice here.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2013): Personally I think I have a great relationship with both my parents, however despite this I would completly freak if I found out they were reading my messages
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (13 November 2013):
 I have two sons ages 29 and 27 and i helped raise my former step daughter from age 10-19.
I am a parent. I think that reading a child's email without their consent and permission is wrong. If you want to read their emails, ASK them. Also if there are changes in behavior that are apparent you can set guidelines that say "IF I notice this and I come to you about it and I'm not satisfied with your response I reserve the right to dig deeper till I'm satisfied that you are not lying to me."
The key is if you have done your job so far, then they will be making the best choices they can for a teen and YOU have to TRUST your parenting skills. By reading emails and interfering with the NATURAL ORDER of things you are basically saying that YOU do not TRUST YOUR job so far as a parent.
I found that discussing my concerns with my children about WHAT COULD happen.. and letting them know I would not be judgmental about it if they came to me first was very helpful.
MY KIDS came to me about everything... daughter came to me when she wanted to become sexually active with her boyfriend and asked me to take her to the doctor for her first well woman visit and to be given BCP. I'm sure it was at an age YOU would not approve of, but to be honest I was more concerned about teen pregnancy than at what age she lost her virginity which in the long run is NOT my business.
We give our kids two things.. roots and wings. ROOTS believe it or not are the EASY part... it's the WINGS we suck at... it's hard to let them go make their own mistakes...
I think the key to great parenting is to impart your values on your children at a young age which I am sure FA has done quite well, and then to be BRAVE enough to let them test it out themselves after making sure they know we won't OVER-REACT to normal teen behavior.
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (13 November 2013):
 To FA,
It is nice to see that you read and absorb all the advice people are trying to offer. It doesn't mean WE are all right and you are wrong, you know that. It's just different perspectives.
Parenting is not a one way only, you have to it with a bit of gut instinct, trial and error and a LOT of common sense. You have a LOT of the latter, common sense and I think that is one of those things kids DO learn from observing and listening to their parents.
You will figure out a way that will work for your son and you. It might taking letting go a little of the reigns or trying new things, but I have no doubt you two will figure it out.
You said they were very quiet together but more "raunchy" in e-mails - that is again not really odd, think about how many people will say stuff on Facebook or the Internet in general that they would NEVER say to that person's face.
Talk to him. Maybe HE can shine a little light on it all for you as well.
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female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (13 November 2013):
 I've raised two kids through the teen years (mine are now 21 and 24) and I can honestly say I never looked at their private e-mails, texts or anything else because, to me, it felt like too big of an invasion of privacy. Both of them are now in happy relationships and their private life is 'private'
I understand parents worry, lord, you never stop worrying about your kids, and especially around the time they reach sexual maturity.
Parenting my own kids, I just trusted in the process, kept a general eye out on how they were doing in school, how they communicated with me and how happy they seemed. They came to me if they had problems but everything else...I let them find out for themselves.
I understand religious constucts and perhaps this makes parenting harder if you have strict boundaries and expectations for your kids...but above being kids...they are human beings and they will do as they will and moreso as they get older.
As parents, we all want our kids to be happy and safe, whoever we are...we want that and we all negotiate the rough stuff in different ways.
I know you give good advice here FA and I am assuming that your son has a lot of your common sense and ways at approaching life (even if you cant see it)...trust him, just trust him to take his own path and trust him to come to you when he has a problem.
At a guess I'd say that he and his girlfriend aren't open to your parental suggestions of a date because it feels controlling and like you are watching their every move...c'mon...it's off putting isn't it?
Take a step back and let them arrange their own dates when they want to and I can guarantee that they won't go nearly as fast as you'all imagine they will go.
I hope it all works out :-) x
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female
reader, Aunty Babbit +, writes (13 November 2013):
 I don't think total privacy is a weird concept, it's about respecting your child's right to be an individual.
We talk about school, I ask them about their day, their friends and all manner of other things but I do not snoop through their bags, phones or emails.
I insist that I know the children's passwords for their computers emails etc but I promise never to use them without their knowledge and permission unless they disappeared. This was agreed after a talk about internet safety and bullying.
We agreed that if they went missing, I would have the right to quickly check through their stuff to help identify where they may be and who with.
I clued them up that from time to time I might just use the password to be sure they hadn't changed it without informing me. This was not to snoop, it was for their protection.
I do not know if my daughter keeps a diary but if she does I would never read it, she Skypes her school friends but it's always downstairs in the back room never in her bedroom alone. She's only 12 but she understands the risks.
They know about sex, hormones, emotions, contraception, STD's, pregnancy, relationships and above all self respect.
I trust my kids and they know it and to that end they respect me. They DO come to me with problems and we talk about it.
My parents were very like you and very controlling, my sister and I had no privacy, I know now as an adult that it was to protect us but as teen I hated them for it, I moved out as soon as I could to get away from them so they could no longer control my life. Once I had got away and they finally let me go and respected my privacy we became close.
I don't believe I can protect my children from everything (as much as I'd like too) and I do believe they will make choices I don't agree with but it's THEIR right to make those choices and life is about learning through our experiences.
My role now is to be there to pick up the pieces if things go wrong and offer practical help and advice and buckets of love to get them through.
Aunty YouWish is so right, if you keep interfering and controlling their lives then they'll find a way round your snooping.
If that happens then you're actions will have forced your to children to act deceitfully and believe that you have no faith in them.
I hope this helps AB x
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (13 November 2013):
 FA, listen, I respect you. I know it's tough to be the agony aunt with the answers to turn around and "go under the knife" and be brave enough to read the sometimes tough advice the other aunts give. I respect you enough to open up both barrels, so to speak, and not hold back on my advice because of my esteem for you.
Did you ever stop to think that some of this is simply because of your anxiety? You are a father, hence your ID "Fatherly Advice", but your anxiety may be independent of your fatherhood. It may drive you to do things many other parents wouldn't, like snooping into emails, giving advice you feel is "pre-emptive" because of your fear of his breaking his purity vow, and fear of the natural hormones leading him astray.
I want to challenge you to the other side of things. Put the anxiety aside for a moment, and taste the sheer headiness of adventure. Your kid is about to experience a really awesome rite of passage - first love. You're anxious that he chooses the right path, but there comes a time where we must step back and watch them unfurl those wings and test them out.
Step out of yourself and into his eyes. The excitement, the newness, the sheer butterflies as he gets to know this girl and new and wonderful feelings surge through him. You have to do the hardest thing you've ever had to do, and loose the tether a little. It's the purest form of validation, the purest form of praise. The purest way you can validate him and show that you're proud of him - that you know that you've taught him well. It's not the easiest thing to invest the time in communicating with him, because reading his emails seems the shortcut for you and feeds the anxiety.
But if he's smart, he'll find a million ways around your anxiety stopgap, like Skype, an alternative email account, incognito web surfing, Instagram, and a million other ways to circumvent parental eyes. I know that I did. My parents were very sheltering. I actually wrote a program circumventing the firewall on my father's computer, saved a modem cloning program to a 3.5" disk, and he never knew. But when push came to shove, I followed their advice when I was solicited by a 25 year old when I was 15.
You are no doubt a great father. But they push that growth quotient faster than we're ready for them to do so. You need to create communication traditions - to schedule time to talk to your son, and when you do, give no advice. Ask him questions. Let him talk. Sit back and let him start sharing. It won't happen at first, but he will when he feels trust, and then when you have that kind of trust, the words you say can affect him so much more profoundly than observations from stolen glances at his email account ever could. You can't spy inside his head, so why choose an inferior method of that holy grail: getting to know your teenager?
You can conquer that anxiety. You must trust in your own influence in him, and you can't control how his adolescence unfurls. All you can do is marvel at the adventure, and be there for him, not in spite of him.
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male
reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (13 November 2013):
Fatherly Advice is verified as being by the original poster of the question Yes I am reading all this. I can't undo what is done. There is little point in rehashing the email snoop point. I think that I understand better than you think I do. I am rapidly decreasing the pressure on these two from my side.
Honey I also wonder how ready they are for a date, even though they had lots of time together at the summer job. They lived there 24/7 and had quite a bit of the weekends free. It is a marvel to me that as much as they talk about being close they really are taking it slowly. I think a great deal of my anxiety has to do with the prevalence of inappropriate texting, which they seemed to be falling into.
I am here to help you, Thanks for your idea about releasing sexual tension. I'm not sure I'm comfortable with the idea, but I see how the mechanism works. I suspect I'm being a bit too Dad on that. I like the idea of Skype but think I'll wait until they try phone on their own. As a Couple (the few times I have been able to observe them) they have always been quiet in the presence of others. Reminds me a bit of a couple in my high school class.
AB, Total privacy is a bit of a weird concept for me. It's not really part of my experience. I'm trying not to use my experience as a guideline.
That's all I can handle tonight thanks for the support
FA
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A
female
reader, Aunty Babbit +, writes (12 November 2013):
It's really hard being a parent of teens, I have 2 boys of 16 and 15 years and a daughter of 12.
I know your interest in this matter is purely out of concern for your child's well being and I know how it feels to want to protect your kids but in my opinion, the best thing you can do is back off!
You are seriously overstepping a boundary line here! Your son is a young man, almost an adult, not a little boy anymore. Of course he needs support, advice and a guiding hand but let HIM come to you for that.
Just let him know that you respect his need for space and that you trust him to make sensible choices.
It sounds as if you've brought him up very well and I'm sure he won't disappoint!
You can't stop him growing up or exploring his sexuality, it's healthy and normal but if you try to interfere you could damage his self esteem and his respect for you.
If anything should go wrong, and I'm not saying it will, then he will come to you and you can support and advise him (as you do so well to others on this site). He will learn from it, grow and move on but he'll be ok.
Think about how you would have felt if your parents had listened in to your lusty teenage fantasies with a girlfriend!
My son has Asperger's autism and is a vulnerable young man, but he has his privacy and he knows I'll always be there for him. I would NEVER invade his personal space or deny him total privacy.
I'm confident in our relationship and my parenting skills that he will conduct himself with integrity and come to me with any problems, because he trusts me and respects me.
It's really hard not knowing what our children do once they grow older but that's part of our challenge as parents, learning to let go (just a little bit).
I hope this helps AB x
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male
reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (12 November 2013):
Fatherly Advice is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI just don't know what to say, Thank you everyone for your insight. Especially You Wish for going to your son with this. I have a lot of thinking to do. I'm gong to have to agree to disagree on the level of privacy that under 18's need. That doesn't mean I'm going to read more emails. It means I will ask him to show me his mail box from time to time and read the subject lines. I think an apology from me to both of them is in order. I hope they will see fit to trust me in the future. This is all pretty new for my son, He needs to have someone to talk to.
FA
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (12 November 2013):
My oldest is 13, so not quite there.
Growing up I had a lot of freedom, my older brother a little bit more then me, he was quite the black sheep, so I saw first hand how doing the "wrong" things affected him and the family as a whole.
I was a "good kid" without a doubt, I didn't date, didn't smoke, smoke pot, have sex early on, like MANY kids in my hometown did.
I had all the "privacy" I wanted, but again I'm from the pre-Internet Era, so there is a HUGE difference there.
I think the MORE you try and limit your children the more they will rebel against said limits. Like YOUWISH said MUCH better to TEACH them right from wrong, instead of TELLING them what's right and what's wrong.
Kids are generally smart, teens get stupid for a while (maybe because the whole hormonal thing we all hit) but TALKING to them about sex, smoking, birth-control, peer pressure, heck even religion and politics gives them FOOD for thought, and they are VERY good at thinking & re-thinking and dwelling on things.
My kids are not allowed to have a Facebook account. For simple reasons. My niece's friend (my brother's daughter) experienced some rather severe bullying on Facebook and thankfully the school and the parents got involved and it stopped. I don't want to put my kids through morons on Facebook and I sincerely don't think any TEEN/pre-teen needs an account for any reason what so ever. Life is not LED on Facebook.
The are allowed a school e-mail, a PERSONAL e-mail and the oldest two have a Tumblr account and one of them a Deviantart account too where she posts her drawings, painting and so forth. Creative outlets.
We have parental block on the computers in the house, so they don't get into crap. They have TIME limits on how much time they can spend on them (the 3 kids share 2 computers) The computers are NOT in their rooms either but in open sight of the living-room/kitchen.
We have talked about appropriate Internet behavior, what to come to us with (like YOUWISH mentioned) if they are propositioned through any of the sites they like.
When my kids were younger we OFTEN went on walks in the neighborhood. They were taught HOW to behave in traffic when riding bicycles, wear your helmet, use your hand signal and so forth. I have no fear that they will ride down the middle of the road, because they were TAUGHT HOW to behave in traffic and WHY. I TRUST them.
I can take my kids out to the fanciest dinner in town and NOT worry, because again THEY were taught how to behave at the table (though at home they don't always mind their manners at the dinner table and I don't make a huge deal out of it, a little monkey business is allowed).
My kids COME to me quite often with problems with friends/classmates. We talk about it and THEY form their own solution.
I HAVE told my kids that I don't really think DATING before 16 is at all smart, but having friends of both genders are.
And again, I will echo YOUWISH - I don't invade privacy at all. But they DO know, that if I see changes that are odd (to me) I WILL bring it up, but overall I CHOOSE to trust them.
They know when dinner time is, we have a white board where they HAVE to write if they go to a friends house (even if they tell me) - common courtesy.
I think when you "snoop" you break trust. You show them you do no trust them, nor do you think they are capable of coherent thoughts or morals.
And I agree with C. Grant, different Parenting styles. You have to go with what feels right for you.
Maybe the kids aren't really "ready" for meeting up yet. So I would let them go in their own time.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2013): Sorry OP but it should be opening 0 emails over 10 weeks , how parents think that by smothering children it will help is beyond me , parents job is to bring them up the best they can but at the end of the day everyone has their own mind which includes a 15 year old, if you bring them up to believe in no sex before marriage then that is fine, if they don't stick to it that is fine too it has no reflection on you it is just how it is, get in the real world.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (12 November 2013):
I'm a mom of a nearly 14 year old boy, and I read your post to him and asked him his opinion of it. The very first thing he said to me was "if you ever did that to me, I'd hate you." I knew what he meant, but asked him to clarify anyways. He answered "I would hate you for looking over my shoulder all the time, reading private stuff, and not letting me do stuff on my own. It's like you are acting like I'm guilty when I haven't done anything."
Now, here's my opinion. There's a very fine line between being a vigilant parent and being smothering and overbearing. What you're doing to his Facebook and emails is like reading their diary. Our job is to equip them and train them to be a success in the real world, either in relationships or career or social behavior. We encourage them actively through praise AND passively by extending trust, and what you're doing is the complete destruction of trust. Your kid has given you no reason not to trust him.
That being said, I told my son that I don't look through his things or read emails UNLESS there is a change in his behavior that is very unsettling. Meaning, there's probable cause. Symptoms would include a drastic reduction in grades, especially in classes he's been historically strong in. Odd smells or red eyes or sudden extreme moodiness, defiance, or a drop in hygiene. And then, I'd talk to him first, and if he didn't come clean, I would then conduct a surprise search of his room, or his accounts. He has his own computer, and voluntarily accepted a block on it to block out phishing and porn sites, as there are predators out there who love 13-year olds. He came to me on his own to talk about someone who wrote him a Facebook message propositioning him, and come to find out, he had propositioned a bunch of other classmates who were also on Facebook. We have that trust level, and if he were to break that trust, I'd restrict his online access through his phone and computer.
I also grew up in a very conservative household, complete with purity vows and such. You may not want to hear this, but I've seen in many households that are smothering or really sheltering that the rebellion, both overt and hidden, can be higher. That's why the stigma of preacher's kids is so strong. Kid grows up in ultra-strict environment, coupled with perceived hypocrisy in the parent, and kid explores the "worldly" things as fast as they can. Katy Perry is an example.
Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old, he will not depart from it. That include basic trust, respect, and belief in them. You can set the rules of the house, as in no hanging out in the dark, no parking in secluded places, no dating until 16 (I had that one, and on my first real date, I thought my dad was going to threaten the poor guy! heh), but reading private correspondence without suspicion of actual wrongdoing is NOT training them correctly, and you'll build serious resentment. Parenting isn't supposed to be adversarial, no matter what James Dobson has ever said. Remember the saying "What you do speaks so deafeningly that I can't hear anything you say?" He may not remember any lecture you ever give him, but he'll remember you looking through his emails and Facebook messages constantly. I don't remember a lot about my parents' lectures except for a couple of them, but I remember when we were young and poor, and I found out later that my dad had sold his prized valuable coin collection he inherited from his own dad in order to give us kids a Christmas. I remember later my mom driving in St. Louis and a young mom with a baby in an old car asking her for $5 worth of gas. My mom walked over to her car, filled the gas tank up to full and topped it off and bought a bunch of food and clothes for them and the baby. I remember the one Thanksgiving when I was 11 and we went down to the shelter the whole day and served food to the homeless people, many smelling like urine and alcohol and dirt.
You have to build trust and intimacy with your kid. Reading their emails and spying is a cheap, lazy, invasive shortcut that destroys trust and intimacy. I don't mean to say it to offend you, but what you're doing is damaging. There are much better ways to instill a sense of purity and righteous living, and it starts with what you do.
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male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (12 November 2013):
 My teen years are quite distant, but the memories are still vibrant. I was one of those teens who valued my privacy to the point of obsession. I can't imagine sharing anything that went on with my parents. Not a first kiss, not a first (or subsequent) rejection, nothing. When I was 15 my parents would have been in their early 50s -- so impossibly old as to have nothing whatever relevant to tell me. A "richer communication experience"?? That would have been something beyond "good morning."
To change hats, I'm now the 50 year-old father of a 15 year-old son. My relationship with him is rather better than it was with his older sisters, although that is more a reflection of his temperament than anything else. He knows I'm always interested in discussing anything he cares to discuss -- he told me right away when he broke up with a "girlfriend" a couple of months ago. And the other day he asked advice for getting the attention of a girl he was interested in. I'm grateful, but I don't pry and I don't make suggestions unless they're solicited. A different parenting style from yours. You and I each have to do what we think is right, and what is in our best judgement knowing our kids. I've asked the teens here for guidance in the past, and I commend you for doing the same.
Good luck!
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (12 November 2013):
 I am afraid they are thinking exactly that , FA. And mind you, I am not saying that in doing so they would be right, or that they would not be mislabeling your intentions ... but I'd bet that micromanaging is just how they would define it, and that it takes away a lot of the poetry and excitement of their experience.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (12 November 2013):
Hi FA, I'm a lot of years out of my teens but I tried to recall my romances of the time.
I found it very easy to write lovey-dovey notes to my boyfriend than to actually say any of those words directly out loud to him. I had no intention of getting naked with the boyfriend, I was too shy and insecure and not ready for that, but it was fun to think about it. I probably drove him a bit crazy, on reflection. It was more romantic to get all swoony in lovey-dovey notes than to actually contemplate flesh to flesh contact. Sex wasn't really on my to-do list, I think, though feeling loved and desired certainly was my subconscious agenda.
Having my parents look over those notes would have freaked me out for certain and having my parents schedule phone calls with the beau would have been the height of ookiness.
I think the distance and the writing love notes are a way to explore those sexy feelings without actually having to face decisions like "how far should I let him go?" when in fact I didn't want him to do anything more than kiss my till I swooned. The real nuts and bolts of sex were not at all appealing. I didn't want to see his penis let alone touch it!!! And I did not feel comfortable with the thought of his touching me in intimate places though I did like the hugging.
I expect they're a little weirded out that you expect them to have private phone calls, it takes a lot of the thrill out of it if there is parental sanction. Also, it may feel odd to speak words you really only want to read or write, it's somehow less intimate, if that makes any sense
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2013): Hi,Although I can't tell you what they are thinking as this would depend on the type of persons they are and the way they were brought up, I might suggest that they are slightly embarrassed, not necessarily by the parents keeping an eye on their emails, I would say moreso by the parents 'suggesting' things to improve their relationship. Put yourself in their shoes, a relationship is a very private thing, and if your parents are interfering with it by suggesting they do things differently, it would only naturally make you uncomfortable, embarrassed and resist whatever notion they bring, no matter how good their ideas are,- simply because you want to be in a relationship with the girl you're seeing, not with your parents, who ideally, may keep an eye on things, but shouldn't have a say in how you run your relationship.
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male
reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (12 November 2013):
Fatherly Advice is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your reply. As a parent I do see things a little differently. What you call micromanaging and constant commenting I call a reasonable parental oversight. I'm trying to keep it at a reasonable level of privacy. For example I've opened 4 emails over 10 weeks. I haven't contacted her parents until last week.
I still have to wonder if what you have said is exactly what they are thinking.
FA
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2013): Leave them to do whatever they want to do, you cannot control them even in the slightest and if you keep up the things you are doing now they will start resenting you for it, the fact that you peak at your sons emails is not fair on him at all and had my parents done the same trick on me when I was 15 I would have completely kept everything I do a secret and would never have let it go, privacy is everything no matter what age you are
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2013): I would suggest you stop micromanaging every second of their existence. You have taught them well. Give them the respect to experience their young crush without the mothers sitting in the room (figuratively speaking) as not only observers, but constant commentators.
Do you have to control and ruin everything?
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