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He wants me to trust him but he doesn't behave as someone that I can trust!

Tagged as: Breaking up, Cheating, Dating, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (2 December 2017) 7 Answers - (Newest, 8 December 2017)
A female United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

Hello. Thank you for taking the time to read my post. I've been seeing my current boyfriend off and on for about eight months now. During that time we have had several breakups. Once over him being too flirty with another girl as I stood by as a third wheel to the degree it was disrespectful, a second time over finding him on an online escort dating site, and a third time because I caught him texting another girl he had just met and was planning to cheat on me with. I'm a forgiving person I guess. But trust is shattered. I'm looking for someone I can spend my life with and he knows how much marriage means to me. He's always expressing how sorry he is and saying that he was only goofing off online, would never have cheated in real life and that he'll do whatever to gain my trust and security in our relationship. He's constantly telling me he wants to make me his wife someday, whenever I'm ready, and says all kinds of great things, helps around the house, caters to me when I'm in need etc. But when he thinks something might bother me, instead of working through it and finding a solution, he'll instead just hide it from me. He also put a lock on his phone because he suspects I'll go through, though I never have. The escort thing I found on his browser by mistake, but he ended up thinking I found it on his phone which further concerns me, though we put that incident behind us. I also got upset that he talks to his baby mom as frequently as he does, as they were once talking about getting back to together, nether of them have custody of their kid, and it upset me that he couldn't do his weekend visit without having her calling to talk to him for fifteen twenty minutes at a time about random stuff not kid related every time. The child lives with her parents for reasons I can understand but won't explain here for now, but my point is she has plenty of time to discuss the kid during pick up, drop off, and with her parents. She calls to talk to him. Perhaps I should have been more easy going as they have a kid together (advice given to me by dear Cupid a few months ago) but since then he's hid in the bathroom to talk to her while I'm sleeping. It's not her in particular I'm concerned mostly about. I feel as though partners who talk constantly about being serious and being honest shouldn't feel the need to lock their phones from their partners. I feel as though if I were to snoop through it in any way I would be heart broken. This goes for his call log, his texts, his browser history, his Facebook, everything. I feel like he lives a different persona online that I don't know about and the only thing I have to trust him with is his words. I know it sounds dumb, but I know so many serious couples who aren't shy about their phones, even use each other's phones freely without second thought. He offered to let me go through his last night when I lightly mentioned it during a discussion about our trust issues, but I declined because he made me feel psycho for asking it, like it's just so taboo to be open with each other in that manner. Plus I don't think it makes him an honest person in general by simply showing me his phone is player free on a given day in which he's prepped. I feel that honest people with nothing to hide shouldn't hide to begin with. He feels it's some sort of privacy infringement and that I should feel psycho for mentioning it. I feel it's a quality of a serious relationship and something about it doesn't sit right with me. He wants me to trust him and feel secure in this relationship but doesn't want to behave as someone trustable. He wants me to just take his word and force myself from wondering as my curiosity stresses him out. How should I handle this? Is this manageable without another breakup? It's exhausting to be with someone you can't trust

View related questions: escort, facebook, flirt, player, shy, text

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (8 December 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntForgiving is one thing, but allowing someone to treat you like a piece off dirt is another thing. Honestly I don't know how you have any confidence left. Look at it this way you say you love him, but do you think he loves you? Because if I loved someone I would never want to hurt them by lying and cheating. He doesn't seem to regard your feelings at all, I mean flirting in front off you? That is plain cruel and demoralizing.

You honestly don't need to ask is this relationship going to work because I think you no deep down that it is making you miserable. It has only been 8 months and already he has shown so much disrespect and disloyalty. I think for you to stay with him would be the biggest mistakes ever and it will only tear you down more and more.

I don't see what you can get from this relationship. Yes he might show some good sides, but surely it is not worth it from wondering all the time who he is talking to and what he is hiding. That would personally drive me insane. Can't you see that you deserve better than this? You deserve someone who is going to treat you properly and be loyal. Someone you can trust. This guy is not going to change and he already knows he can get away with lying and cheating with you so he is not going to stop now. Is this really the sort off person you want to marry? If he cannot stay faithful in eight short months then how on earth would he survive a life time off committing to you? Sweetie he doesn't take you serious but you need to start putting yourself first. Think about your happiness and future, the more time you spend with him the more time you are wasting on finding someone who treats you like you deserve.

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A female reader, Bubsy Australia +, writes (7 December 2017):

Bubsy agony auntHes not worthy of u

Dumb him asap

He wants hus cake n eat it too

He ll never change

If he had nothing to hide, he d let you on his phone

I broke up with my boyfriend for similar reasons

I hanged in there, but it wasnt improving/changing

I feel at peace now

No problems no worries bout love

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A reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2017):

He flirts in front of you. You found him on an escort dating site. He was planning on cheating with a girl he'd just met. Why on earth you would continue to trust this guy, let alone want to marry him, is beyond my comprehension. You'd be letting yourself in for a lifetime of misery.

Dump him and move on. I'm sure you can do better.

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A female reader, 02DuszJ United Kingdom +, writes (3 December 2017):

02DuszJ agony auntHe can't even stay FAITHFUL after 8 months? Well WHY does he deserve your trust? Or one more minute of your time, out of your LIFE?

He's a cheat. That's all there is to it. Use your brain, gather your courage and get out now, before he hooks you further with some BS about babies with you or proposes and you end up up the duff..

He KNOWS commitment and marrige are important to you- so what does he do- he SCREWS up that commitment and throws it in the rubbish by CHEATING on you OVER and OVER again! Really sounds like a great catch you've found!

If he proposes say NO. Look at his track record and his ACTIONS. He's a serial cheater= seasoned LIAR. He wants to play around, while always having sex on tap to come back home to! So he never goes without.. you want to be his second slice of cake? You want a FUTURE with a sleazy little liar who can't keep it in his pants?


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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (3 December 2017):

Honeypie agony auntI so agree with N91.

Just end it and find someone you are ACTUALLY compatible with. He isn't it.

You have dated 8 months, it's ON/OFF and you have broken up several times - you know what that tells me? It's not a HEALTHY relationship. there is no future here unless you like this merry-go-round, yo-yo thing you two got going.

As for the "baby-momma" - While I get the whole, "they don't need to talk so much unless it about the kid" - you frankly can't dictate how often they talk or how much is appropriate or not.

When you date a guy with a baby-momma and a kid you get drama - it's ALMOST a given. The kid SHOULD have a higher priority for him, SHE (baby-momma) shouldn't. But that is the optimal situation and not the average.

I say end it. Let him do his dysfunctional crap all on his own and find yourself a single guy with less drama and baggage.

And like YCNBS said, DO you like who you become when you are with him? Feeling Psycho? He isn't MAKING you behave that way, that is YOUR response to his actions.

Wish him well and walk away. Life is too short for this kind of crap.

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (3 December 2017):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntBlimey, I am exhausted just reading all that!

Sister, sit down and LISTEN to me. I want to ask you a very serious question.


Do you enjoy being "psycho" and not trusting him? Do you enjoy worrying about what he is up to?

If you do, then stay with him because that is all you will get from him in the future. If you have already had all these problems in the first 8 months of your relationship, which is usually the honeymoon period when everything is sweet and rosy, how do you think things will be in another year, 2 years, 10 years? You have shown him his behaviour is totally acceptable by still being with him. He is making YOU feel like you are in the wrong for not trusting him, whereas any sane person wouldn't trust him an inch, given his behaviour.

The saddest thing about your post is that you don't think you are worth any better than this. Why?

You have two choices as I see it: accept him the way he is or leave him. He is not going to change. Do you want to spend years worrying about what he is up to?

Listen to your gut instinct. It is there for a reason.

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (3 December 2017):

N91 agony auntI read 3 lines into your question before writing this...

Just break up, do you honestly think it's going to work out if you'v had multiple breakups in 8 months? He is not the one, stop wasting your time.

Block, delete and move on.

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