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Is it too soon to after he left me?

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Question - (2 December 2017) 4 Answers - (Newest, 8 December 2017)
A female United Kingdom age 30-35, anonymous writes:

Hi. I had a short relationship only 3 months (but very intense holidays etc) I really thought I had met someone who could handle me - i have bipolar - however he ended it saying as he lived so far away he couldn't help me when I needed it. I was so hurt, but now 2 wks on someone else is showing an interest. He's nice but I am still hurt over my ex. So, is it to soon to go on a date with the next man? The new interest knows it's only been 2 wks since my ex ended.

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (8 December 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntI think it is to soon yes. You have not moved on so you need to give yourself some time. To some three months might not seem long, but it is you who is feeling how you do and it is you that needs to cope with it.

I am sorry for the loss off your child, I can't even imagine what that would do to a person. Off course you have issues with loss. But have you seeked help with these issues? If not then I suggest getting in contact with a bereavement counselor and talk about what tools to work with to teach you how to cope better.

As for pushing your partners away, could it be because you don't want to let them get to close in case you get hurt? If this is the case then you need to take some time out to work on your emotions and to learn to trust people. Again this is probably linked with the fear off loosing them so you are not allowing yourself to be happy. Fear is such a horrible feeling and it can take over our lives, I really do think you need to see a professional and I would recommend that you stay single until you feel like you are in a better place. It is great to be independent in a relationship and in yourself but you also need to let a partner no that they are needed and wanted as well.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2017):

Original poster.. I do everything I can to help with my bipolar and definitely am independent, I have had a hard life on top of this I lost a child plus my youngest is ill too..my ex partners told me I am to independent at times and they felt not needed but I always wanted them .. I worry all the time about my child and I have issues with loss. I am a loving caring person but push partners away.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (2 December 2017):

Learn to pace your feelings. From your question, I get the message that you're searching for an emotional safe-haven in the arms of a man. You need someone to take care of you.

It is far too soon to attach your feelings to someone else; or to attempt at a new relationship.

You should take some cue from the fact the last relationship didn't workout; mainly because of the purpose you placed behind it. You're looking for a care-taker and protector. He spared your feelings by blaming the distance between you. I think it was more than that, and I think you know that too.

In a relationship, you have to be able to reciprocate what you expect from someone else. They need affection, love, and emotional-support. You don't place the burden of caring for you and expecting others to accept you unconditionally; when you have little to offer in return for all that.

You mention that you are bipolar. Are you strictly following your medical-regimen of treatment? Seeing your therapist or psychiatrist on a committed-schedule, and managing your symptoms well enough that you can interact with others? Meaning, without causing concern or discomfort?

I don't think you should be looking for someone who can "handle you." It takes the responsibility off you to work on controlling your behavior; and places that responsibility on someone else. Others are only required to understand your condition and what they can expect. They should show respect, compassion, and genuine kindness. They should remove themselves, if you cause a toxic-environment. You should leave them; if they cause you pain and discomfort.

No one should have to put-up with any of your deliberate bad-behavior or abuse. If you feel you're healthy enough for a relationship; then you don't get to blame bad-behavior on your disorder. If being with you is toxic and too much of a handful; then there is much work to do before you get yourself into relationships. They will quickly end, one behind the other; and that will take a heavy emotional-toll on you. You don't deserve that, and you shouldn't do that to yourself.

I think you should continue to date for fun and companionship. Mainly short-term. It improves your chances of finding better matches for your personality-type. It gives you the emotional-fulfillment we all need. We need companionship of all kinds. Romantic-interaction, as well as good friends. You must also seek platonic-friends, not just boyfriends.

You shouldn't obsessively seek men for dependent-relationships, where you need someone to lean on.

Check yourself to be sure you're not overcome with anxiety due to withdrawal from dependency.

Work on your independence and managing those things you feel people have to handle. If you can't handle yourself, don't expect anyone else to. In all reality, that's far too much for anyone to ask. It suggests you can do as you please, blame it on your bipolarity; and they just have to accept it, because that's just the way it is.

Yes, there will be people able to deal with most things about you. Sometimes we learn to adapt to things we know about people. It shouldn't be anything that involves trouble or pain. That's where we draw the line.

Go ahead and date. Just don't try to turn it into a rebound relationship; because you can't function independently; and need another person to lean on. Emotional-dependency, or dependency of any kind, is not healthy for anyone.

When you need someone to lean on psychologically; that's what your doctor is for. Even then, too much dependency is unhealthy. It means you're not working on yourself, you're not even trying.

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A male reader, Denizen United Kingdom + , writes (2 December 2017):

Denizen agony auntYou can go out with them but don't look for too much to begin with. Keep it light and friendly. And if I could suggest, no sex yet.

Letting someone into life doesn't mean letting them straight into your pants. There aren't really any rules but just because you have bipolar doesn't make you stupid. Don't try and mend your hurt with a sexual binge. That will leave your feeling terrible and filled with self disgust.

So to recap, by all means go out if you want to and develop a friendship but protect yourself, and don't look for a quick fix for your three month affair.

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