A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Okay! I am a divorced professional with two children. I started dating an independent contractor who came to my house to do some work. It started as an innocent friendship and over time, became intimate. During our platonic friendship he mentioned the other women he was seeing--3.5. After approximately 5 months he began to pursue me romantically. Initially I resisted, in large part because if the other women. Eventually, I became a consenting participant in the relationship. Over time, I became the "love of his life"; the "one he was most drawn to". He could "see the eyes of his unborn children" when he looked at me. I let my guard down and became pregnant. Now I am completely unhappy at 7.5 months pregnant. His financial support has been above reproach, but emotionally he leaves a lot to be desired. He has not told anyone about the baby and has stated that he would "rather slit his throat" than tell. He has cut me out of his life twice during the pregnancy. The last time, he said he would not be there for the birth, but would send money when he thought the child was born. Six weeks later, he came back. I forgave him (I know that I should not have). I have not been happy since he has come back. I feel like I deserve to be in a relationship with someone who understands my value. When I mention this to him. He tells me how much he loves me, but can't change his lifestyle. Also he doesn't want to disappoint the other women. I know that I need to exit the situation, but am reluctant to do so before the baby is born (in 9 weeks). Any advice is welcome. I already know this was not a good position to put myself into, so feel free not to tell me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for all of your honest, thoughtful, and not so thoughtful responses. As stated, I do know what needs to be done--it's actually doing it that's difficult. In the end, I know I will do the right thing.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (27 March 2011):
 What, what differences does it make breaking up now or in 9 weeks ?
He does not sound at all like the type who' d hold your hand and mop your brow during labour, or that would show up at the clinic with a big bunch of balloons and tear of happiness in his eyes.
He'd probably be somewhere else partying with " love of his life " no. 2, 3, or 4- of course he could not " disappoint " them for such a trifle like the birth of his son or daughter.
You have to part ways, so might as well do it now and do it fast. Make sure he agrees ( possibly in written ! ) about paying child support, and work out visitation times- if he can carve any out of his busy lifestyle. After which, - you can send him immediately on his merry way, and you'll be much better off.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI know, HoneyPie. The funny thing is that I was not/am not in the market for a relationship. This was a HUGE mistake. I had/have my hands full as my oldest child has special needs. I am trying to look ahead to the joy of a son! And the joy I get from my daughters. When I look ahead, I don't see him as a part of my life (intimate), but do want him to be a part of the baby's life. Thank you!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (27 March 2011):
 Hindsight is always 20/20 So don't look back, look forward.
Prepare yourself for being a single mom with 3 kids, prepare yourself to only receive child support from him and nothing else.
Look at his actions, don't listen to his words. I'm sorry from where I stand it looks like he is full of it.
Maybe he is just not capable of responsibility and commitment.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDr.Psych, "Think of him as a sperm donor"--Funnily enough I have referred to him as such. You are correct, I have to get away. I am slowly doing that. I do need him to be at the birth to sign the BC. That is essential because without that, everything becomes more difficult down the road. Also, I don't want our son to wonder why there is a blank space where father should be. I also don't want to have to go to court to establish paternity, etc. I am attempting to get the things I need for the baby in the long run, now. This is a complicated situation which I walked into willingly and now have to walk out of willingly. Thank you!
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A
female
reader, DrPsych  +, writes (27 March 2011):
 Your role is changing and so must your priorities. Before, you were a single girl casually dating a charmer who likes to play the field. He told you that he dated other women and you accepted the situation (secretly hoping he would be exclusive with you one day). You got pregnant and now must see things in a different light. The baby is the innocent in the whole situation and you must start thinking about both of you. With lover-boy being flaky, you cannot anticipate he is going to win any awards as Dad of the year. Therefore you must be the best mother ever. Part of this is remaining healthy - emotionally and physically. Being pregnant is exhausting (I am 4 months gone myself) but it is nothing compared to looking after infants which is leg bucklingly shattering work. If lover boy is still sleeping with other women then he puts you (and junior) at risk of all sorts of sexually transmitted infections. Even if he says he used protection with the other ladies, you cannot be sure. Sexual infections can be very serious for a newborn baby because of the lack of immune function. If you are poorly as a new mother then it also influences your ability to parent effectively. You also have your emotional health to consider. Lots of women get post-natal depression and being in a stressful environment is a risk factor. The whole situation must be emotionally draining for you as you seem confused about his intentions. For all his sweet-talk he has multiple lives with multiple women and he won't change. If you are looking for a stable father figure for your child then you will be disappointed unless he gets hit by lightening and has a personality change. If he doesn't want to be involved with the child then it is his loss - think of him as the sperm donor. Being a parent is the greatest achievement ever and will change your life for the better regardless of your love-life troubles. When his looks and charm have faded he will end up as a sad, lonely old man stuck in a nursing home wondering what happened to his life and why he has no visitors. You will have your baby at least. By focusing on this man then you exclude yourself from finding proper love and affection elsewhere with an exclusive man who treats you with respect. This may not even be a priority right now, but you need to detoxify yourself from this man and stop kidding yourself that he will change. Get away from him and stay away from him - give yourself time to adjust to being a single mother.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks, Jonas! I agree completely. Unfortunately, every time I pull away he does something really nice and sweet. Then, I find myself right back in the midst of his chaos. I know that I can't turn a blind eye. That is not my nature. He originally stated that he knew what he was doing was wrong and was "trying to work something out", but the women would not let him go. Now, he has started providing details of his relationships with them. Even though it has not been anything tawdry or sexual, I have to constantly remind him that it's disrespectful and not something I want to hear about. The end result is very clear--He and I will end. It is just a matter of when and how.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2011): End the relationship.Put the baby up for adoption.Move on with your life.Seek counseling but that should go without saying.
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A
female
reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (27 March 2011):
 Hi,
You seem like a lovely lady. Smart, working mom, have 2 children & a beautiful baby on the way.
Like I said, you're a smart lady, but I understand you. When it comes to matters of the heart its difficult to make the right decision. You know what to do, but when you see the person you have a change of heart. Don't be hard on yourself. We all been there, trust me
What's more confusing is that the guy was honest with you from the beginning so we cannot blame him. At least he's a responsible guy & are willing to help you financially.
We know people are different, but I guess in his case that's what he's. I guess he cannot be with only 1 woman, 1 relationship. He's just not that type of guy..
My honest opinion? I believe that you should love your baby, be happy for your blessing! Be healthy, happy for yourself & your children. I believe that you deserve a man that would "love you only", treat you the way you deserve. I believe the right man for you still out there, I know you'll find him & be truthlly happy! You & your famiy deserve a man home everyday, every night for you all.
I am sure this man care for you, he was always honest, so he respect you, but I don't think he'll change & this relationship will always be this "on & off" you didn't make any mistake, its not your fault. Its his lifestyle. Its the person who he's.
Hope this help!
Wish you, your baby & children the best luck!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2011): The lines he gave you are very typical of an emotionally unavailable man and also a player...if it sounds too good to be true it is. Really the only thing you can do is make sure you get child support legally and don't let him talk you out of that and that's probably why he's sticking around so you'll feel bad getting a court document. Sorry for your situation but looks like you'll be a single mom and I understand not wanting to use a condom but you have children who depend on you so it's not just your life to live with abandon.
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