A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi folks. I'm in a bit of a predicament at the moment. I have my child's christening coming up this week and haven't invited my mother. Now I know that sounds awful but here's why (sorry for the essay)Basically all our lives my mum has strived for attention and drama. She has very few friends, doesn't work and pretends that she's bi polar even thou she has never been tested for this nor is she on meds. She will tell everyone she's loopy it's her new thing the last few years and she uses it to blame for her behaviour. Well last year when I was five months pregnant I got a phone call saying mum was in the hospital after taking an overdose (at the time I was very sick and going through a lot of pregnancy complications) I found out what hospital she was at and went to visit her. She told me she was found unconscious and was rushed to hospital, pumped out and very close to death and that she meant it this time, which was why she didn't do her usual posting it up on Facebook and ringing us all as she does it. I was distraught as were so used to this but this time seemed real. We grew up with her scratching her wrists and taking small overdosing and making herself sick. She has never done harm that has made social services or hospital step in. What she did had the shock factor. Anyway I went home, then got more details saying she had lost her phone and that it was over a row in a bar. I went into her neighbor who was the one who found her and he filled me in... He said he came home and her door was open she was drunk and awake and sitting over some pills that he didn't notice until she pointed them out and said she'd taken an overdose. He quickly went into his house to get the phone and wen he came back in she was ringing herself an ambulance. I then spoke to the nurse on duty that night and a psych nurse both of which said she came in drunk after ringing the ambulance herself. They pumped her a found she had only taken 8 tablets.. She was in an hour after taking the tablets and pumped straight away she wasn't near death and the only reason she was in for two days was because she couldn't be discharged on a Sunday. They also said she was not a threat to herself nor to others and was basically wasting hospital services. The only reason she had plastered it everywhere was because she had no phone to use to tell us. Now I was fuming and so was the rest of the family I sent her a message telling her what was said and that it's appalling that she's still at this craic. The hospital referred her to a self harm group I told them she won't go and guess what? She had not been to one.. My baby is three months old and my mother still hasn't apologised for her actions. I don't condone emotional abuse and won't have that around my kids it's not something that I want them to see growing up like we did or thinking it's normal to the point that they try it and maybe die. My mum knows what to take and what not to take. She is a very calculated and vindictive woman. After I had an emergency csection where I nearly lost my baby, my mother still did it apologise nor visit nor offer to help me. I wanted her to say sorry for lying to my face and putting us all under that stress and she said I shouldn't hold my breath coz I'll l be a long time waiting. Everyone else has made up with her but I have to stand my ground this time because I'm always letting her off with things. I know I probably sound heartless and you may feel sorry for her but she is a game player it took her old friends years to see it now they have nothing to do with her either. She caused nothing but drama. We had a terrible childhood. I was sexually abused by my father who mum kept taking back when she was aware of what happened. Then my younger sister years later, other pedophiles living with us and alcoholics. Her youngest three now live with my sister who is doing a great job rearing them. Anyway she won't be at the christening and hasn't met her granddaughter. I feel really crappy about it because she's still my mum and I don't know is my stubbornness the right thing making her miss this? I did ask to meet up with her at some stage but she told my sister I've to come to her coz she's not paying for a bus. So that put me right off as she lives twenty mins away. I have to explain at some stage to my partners family why my mum and dad aren't in my life and I don't know where to start. Should I let her have this day or stick to my guns?? So sorry for the length of this post. Thanks for reading x
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2017): Hello I thought I would just add to this particular debate as it is such an emotive issue!
I was very touched by the honesty of chirigirls answer and sharing some of the details are very enlightening.
Breaking up with mum is one of the hardest things to do particularly if you have a deep-seated loyalty!
However, a mum who is regularly seeking overdosing attention is more of a liability at a social event than an asset and manipulative people tend to manipulate in the same way until it is no longer effective!
Mum may be bipolar and may be able to get medicine that would help but this should not be mixed with alcohol so a social event such as a christening would be more of a chore than a pleasure!
In the questioners circumstances it is only right and proper to understand that mum may have poor impulse control and consequently it is ill-advisable to expect her to fulfil a grandmothers role!
Mum is holding her ultimate demise as an axe over her daughters head and mum may actually do the deed one day but that would be with or without a place in the christening gathering.
Maybe she could say "Mum youve done your best in life and I gave you all the love I could offer as a child. Yes, there were traumas but I have moved beyond that now!
My duty is to my husband and children and as life has taken its toll on you I am relinqueshing you from the stresses of being a hands-on grandmother!
But dont worry!
You have time to heal if you decide to dedicate yourself to healing!
You are responsible to yourself and not me and I caution you not to make any attempts on your life as you know I wont be there again to bail you out of trouble!
But if you do make a mistake and overdose again then emergency services will come to your aid!
Bear in mind mum that we cant afford a funeral for you and you should have a life insurance or funeral plan that includes it if you are going to keep repeating this.
Otherwise we will have to give your body to medical science!
Better still try to stay alive and well!
We love you for all the kind things you did for us as children but not for the suicide attempts so if you can change that we would be very happy!"
Then let her deal with it!
And look forwards to emigrating so that she can become a mum who boasts how well you are doing.
But keep the little ones away from her as she will manipulate through them!
Sending news and pictures should be as good as it gets!
And mum has to take responsibility for herself.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2017): Hi again I just read through your replies there. I agree there is something wrong with my mother I forgot to mention that she isn't a full blown alcoholic in the sense that she is always drunk. She's a weekend drinker and drinks when she's bored. She doesn't drink around us anymore because part of the fostering agreement is she can't drink around her smallest kids (they won't b at the christening hence why I thought she'd start) to look and talk to my mum you would think she was just a normal person. If she's in s shop or school or meeting people sober she's all smiles and handshakes then when she goes off and does her blow outs nobody can believe it because she doesn't seem the type. She knows what to show people and then she might go and (scratch her wrists enough to make blood for impact but not enough for stitches etc) she'll have them bandaged and then hide them on people, then accidentally show one and then go on about it and everyone looking at her saying you poor poor woman. It's so hard to explain because she's so good st what she does. It sounds crazy but I do love my mum. We did have some nice times with her it's just the bad outweighed the good. Constantly being beaten by her for stupid things like losing the remote or asking for a day off school coz you were sick, I cannot tell you the amount of times she spat in our faces. Literally'! I have written to her asking her to seek medical help and calm down with the drink and she hasn't done so. She says she's no kids now and she's glad coz now she can do as she pleases and doesn't have anyone to answer to so that's her decision. When she's around my other two when I would visit her, she was always fine, they have never seen her act up and think she's great fun and they used to enjoy going to see her. With all her grandkids she is the doting grand mother and I'm sure if we told them our experiences they wouldn't believe it. She's very complex. So you see she's not done stark raving lunatic going around drunk every day of the week. She's usually calm well mannered and cheerful she acts up around us because we know her true side. It took her friends to see that side now they don't want to know, she moves from town to town until she does it again and loses everyone's respect. She had s bf who idolised her she told us she was just using him to pay for her nights out etc coz that's all you need from men. He was besotted with her now he's seen her true colours and crosses the street when he sees her. She told me that herself but no mind she's gonna go out with a diff man now he's loaded. She tells us all in detail about her sexual encounters like she's our friend not our mum. I would never go into that much detail not even to my best friend it's disgusting what she gets up to just to keep s man around. My kids miss my mum because they don't see all of this, nor will they as she's smart that way! They ask to go see her and I have to say no because I'm fuming with her inability to say when she's wrong.. my daughter may never get to meet her because I will stand firm now especially after reading all the comments I thought maybe I was being too harsh but like what was said in the comments you don't always need your parents to have a good life. I think you are all right though. I should probably seek some type of counselling I just didn't want to be making a big deal when it's all in the past. I get on with things and push that stuff to the back of my mind and for when I dealt with mum I had to see her as two different people. Normal mum and attention mum, otherwise I wouldn't be able to talk to her.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (14 June 2017):
 "I know I probably sound heartless and you may feel sorry for her"
No, you sound like the only sane person in a family of people so accustomed by being used by your mother, that they don't know any longer what is right and what is wrong.
"I have to explain at some stage to my partners family why my mum and dad aren't in my life and I don't know where to start"
I know this dilemma. I just stopped full contact with my own father last summer, albeit he still has occasionally texted me mean spirited texts. I no longer wish to speak to him or have anything to do with him. Relations with him have always been difficult, and I've tried to remove him as much from my life as possible over the years. The hardest part is just that, when other people ask about him. Because they do, it's such a normal thing to ask, and EVERYONE asks it: What does your father do, what is he doing now, how is he etc etc etc. And I honestly don't know and don't care and don't wish to spend another minute of my life on him. But how does one say this without having to be constantly reminded of everything painful?
My worst fear is that people will start asking follow-up questions. Which they have done before. Which forces me to either lie, or reveal my private affairs. I don't wish to do neither, so I've varied between feeling guilty for lying (just saying he's fine, or he couldn't make it unfortunately etc) or feeling like an open wound because of telling people the truth. It's painful.
I mean, I recently reported my father to the police. I then had an associate, not a friend, just someone I briefly know, ask me about it! I just told him I am sorry I can't make it to our appointment because I have to be at the police station. I didn't want to say anything further, but he kept asking. What was I doing there? Reporting an incident. About what? My father. What did he do? Honestly, at some point I end up telling them off by saying it's private. Then they get offended. You really can't seem to get out of that situation graciously.
I think though, my next strategy will be full on honesty and NOT trying to cover it up or feeling as if it's something I need to be ashamed of. I will flat out just say "I don't have contact with my father" or "I don't wish to have him here". If someone I asks a follow-up I will directly say that it's private and just give them a stare of death. It's really a rude thing to ask. And at this point Im tired of trying to put on a mask of "happiness and joy". Life is shitty too, why not just be honest about that?
Be brave and face those nosy people who keep asking questions about things that are none of their business. In your case I would probably end up saying flat out "She's not invited". But that's because Im already at the stage where I am tired of lying on my fathers behalf to make appearances.
And, as a last note, I fully support you in not letting her near your child. You are a parent, and it is your job to ensure that your child has a healthy upbringing and supportive and loving people in her life. You do not need toxic people who will only bring pain and drama. In fact I think it is your job to make sure such people do not get involved in your daughters life. Your job is to protect your child, not protect your mother.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (14 June 2017):
 It's true what they say about us not being able to choose our families. Sending you hugs.
Your first priority is to your child/children. You know your mother will only cause you stress and who knows what possible mental harm to your children. It is your role as their mother to protect them from that. Do not allow them to suffer what you suffered as a child because nobody protected you. You have gone above and beyond the call of duty in your treatment of this woman you call mother, especially given her total neglect of you as a child in allowing you to be abused. Make no mistake: she ALLOWED it. She could have stopped it. She was your MOTHER and any maternal instincts she had should have screamed at her to protect her children. She CHOSE not to protect any of you. Do not repeat her behaviour and damage your children in the same way she damaged hers.
How many chances are you going to give her before you acknowledge she will not change? It says a lot about you that, despite all the abuse and neglect, you still want to give her chances to stay in your life. But you need to draw a line somewhere and realize she is not a good person to HAVE in your life.
Have you had any help to overcome the abuse? It is never too late to ask for this.
I'm afraid, for me, my children's safety, happiness and well-being would take priority over your mother's welfare. You need to stop letting what she puts on social media affect you as well. Block her so you don't see it and tell any friends or family who may read her ramblings that you are not interested in anything she writes. The cut all contact and make a happy life for yourself and your family. You cannot change the past but you sure as hell can choose to make a happier future for yourself.
I wish you all the best.
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (14 June 2017):
 To put it bluntly - she is mentally ill, and she is a danger to herself and others, primarily the beautiful little child who is being christened.
This issue is so much more than an apology for this latest episode that she put you and the family into. Had this been all there was, I'd suggest a different route to handling this. HOWEVER, you may not even see how dangerous to your child your mother could actually BE.
You had a rough childhood with sexual abuse and alcoholism which filled you with trauma. Even now, you're downplaying just how dangerous your mother's current actions are and have been. This is a result of the dysfunctional family dynamic that was your reality until you grew up and came out from under its oppression.
She's still getting drunk and taking pills (you didn't mention what the pills are that she's taking). Imagine her being in contact with your child while out of control in this fashion.
What you need to stand your ground on about is not an "apology" from your mom. You need to tell her that you can no longer have a relationship or any sort of interaction with her unless she gets intense and ongoing professional help for her mental illness and for her addictions. Carrying on with her because "she's your mom" is the same crime as her having your pedo dad around you because "he's your dad". Your dad was a dangerous person. Other child abusers were dangerous people. Your mom is just as dangerous because she enables this environment.
Protect your child from your mother. Her youngest three aren't living with her because this is the truth. Your mom is a danger to herself and others, and your child is in danger if you expose him or her to your mother AS SHE IS.
If she gets serious help and makes progress in healing and sobriety, then taking baby steps towards re-establishing a guarded connection might be possible. But for now, your job is to be a mother to YOUR child.
Don't let your mom off. How many times did she let your dad off?? This is no longer about you and your mom, but you and your child, and your mother is a danger to your child right now until she gets help and STAYS getting help.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2017): To wise owl. I am also a nurse and this was said to me in the hospital. Yes there is something wrong with her but you'd have to know my mum to see her many sides . She's calculating and does things for shock factor. Even meeting my bf for the first time she told him she wears vibrating knickers and started talking smutty to him I'm used to her ways but that was disgusting and out of line she blames her current state of life on everyone else and not on her own choices that she made in life. She has had so much help and encouragement and just doesn't want to know. Both my parents are alcoholics so I understand why she's like that. Yes thah pumped her stomach and seem what she took and the amount which were a low dose of lexapro They said it wasn't in her system long. The fact that she always dose this or shaves her hair or causing Conflict between us all is how she has always been. I probably do sound like I don't care but I've been the one to always stand by her and get the family talking again but there's only so much a person can take. The christening in my Irish family is Quite a big deal with grandparents brothers sisters and god parents and I have a large family 8 of us and a load of children belonging to them all.and there's not a big event afterwards it's a few drinks in our local with a cake and a few sandwiches for all the people travelling long distances. I know what it's like to lose people when you have fallen out and it's a horrible feeling and it took me a long time to get over before and my mother knows this and how it affected me so she thinks il give in because I don't want that to happen again. Im sorry but I can't forgive someone's who let be sexually abused as a child that's not going to happen especially when she said oh well he was drunk he didn't really mean it.. and she kept taking him back over and over again and that was before she was a drinker. The drink has started ten years ago when we found out about my other sister. I know would seem like she drinks to numb the guilt but she still had contact with him
Even after he got out of prison for it.. I cannot forgive that atal! I think now that I've spoken to ye all about it's brought up a lot and I think I'm better off staying away from her. It's going to be hard at family get togethers but but il just have to avoid them altogether
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2017): You've given her chances, you now have your own child to focus on and you're quite right - your child cannot be around a woman like that.
Don't feel any guilt, but simply go on living your life as best as you can. I would probably still send her birthday cards, maybe give her a phone call once in a while so she knows you still think of her, but having that kind of person around a young child I would consider dangerous. I wouldn't invite her to visit or to your own events, but maybe there will be times she does come to wider family occasions that you can chose whether you go to or stay away from - whatever you're comfortable with.
She clearly has massive, massive issues and to take back your father when she knew abuse went on is not the actions of a woman in control of her life. But you are in control of yours and you deserve better and to live without guilt. You cannot change your mum, she sounds like she's had the same pattern of behaviour for years and the attention she gets is better than none at all. She refused help offered to her which could have been the start of her understanding herself but sadly she won't take it up. I wouldn't be surprised if there was a history of abuse your mum has experienced, her actions really aren't rational.
All you can do is make the best choices for your child and for your own wellbeing and health. If you feel better cutting her off entirely then that might be an option, I would suggest you'd would benefit from having a counsellor or therapist to help talk through your experiences and feelings and come to the best option for you with the help of someone trained to guide you through the tricky emotions. Best of luck x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2017): Are you making a big public announcement that your mother isn't invited to the christening, or just keeping it hush-hush? It's a christening, not a family-reunion.
Grandparents are usually welcome to attend; but sometimes there's only a few people. The priest, parents, the god-parents, and a few selected family-members are optional.
The wealthy may make it an extravagant affair. All for show.
If she is like you say she is, invited or not; she'll find someway to reek havoc and cause controversy; because her performances are how she gets attention. Not inviting her will basically give her another reason to go on a smear-campaign to make you look bad, or to solicit pity. So all you can really do is ride it out.
I think you got a personal editorial from an unprofessional hospital employee that would tell you that your mother was wasting hospital services.
Hospitals are for patients. She swallowed 8 pills. No one would know how many until her stomach was pumped. Fortunately, they did no harm. Mixing them with alcohol can cause liver-damage, brain-damage, or poisoning. Depending on what she took.
I do have some background in healthcare; and I find such commentary to be very unprofessional. I doubt any hospital can afford such a liability. Their business is mercy and treatment for the sick and injured. They take an oath. I know I would never say that to a patient, or a member of their family, whether true or not. I doubt hospital policy allows for it.
A christening is an intimate, spiritual, and sober family-affair. If your mother's presence will disturb the peace; she shouldn't attend. Just don't use that as a bat to clobber her over the head with. I'm pretty sure your resentment and pain is well-known to your mother; but everything you described of her is still symptomatic of mental-health issues. They don't have to be diagnosed not to be real. You can't deny she's a very sick lady!
No one can be that consistent over a span of years with such a performance. You've indicated she suffers from alcoholism, drug-abuse, and has had a series of bad relationships over her entire life-time. Yet you belief she is faking???
She was not cut-out for motherhood. She is totally damaged as a person. She has been a consistent source of pain and anxiety for you all your life. You can stick to your guns; but you might be better-off not poking the bear or rubbing her nose in it. She will confront you about it when word gets back to her. Don't engage, just avoid any discussion about it.
You need some distance between you and your mother. You also have to accept that she is mentally-ill, and forgive her for her illness. I recommend you should always follow-up on any calls from an emergency room. There's nothing like the guilt associated with loss and grief after you've lost someone. It's better to be told it was a false-alarm than something worse.
Don't just attribute it all to her just being an evil person. I know you want her to take responsibility for all she does and has done to you and others. People who have mental-health issues are limited in their accountability for their behavior; thus even the law will allow them consideration for competency in a hearing or trial.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2017): Thank you for your answers.
Yea i actually asked her to go seek help and show she's making an effort but she refused. I sent her an essay on how her actions hurt people and what if her plan back fired, I got angry about her using the ambulance service when the hospital was in dire need of them that week and all for attention. I told her that I can't have my kids think her behaviour is acceptable or normal and that I wanted her to acknowledge what she had done and say sorry and all I got was an ok and then her bitching to my sister saying I won't be getting no sorry from her. She's been to psychiatric wards before and they've basically said there's nowt wrong with her the dr told her once that she may have bipolar. She never went about it and then told everyone she had it. I asked her was she ever tested and what meds is she On and she said none because she's on enough tablets and doesn't want anything for it and she hasn't been tested but dr reckons!! I have a few friends with different levels of bipolar and some know her and have said she's playing it. She lives a short distance from
Me and in the year that I've been in my new house she's only come to visit once which was because my son was in hospital. When I lived 40 mins from her and lived 8 years in my old house I'd say she was there ten times if that. So it's not like she has an active part of mine or my children's lives. I'm just waiting for the backlash now on Saturday when she has a few drinks in her and has her back up because she didn't get an invite and then il be blaste all over Facebook slagging g me off and putting me down I. Her statuses. You are all right I don't need her in my life. She's lucky that I've spoke. To her for this long after all the awful crap we had to go through growing up. I would just like to have a normal family for my children to look up to but I guess il just have to keep her cut out of it. She's not going to apologise and if she came to the christening she would start war. She ruined my other two ending in fist fights with her insulting everyone and calling my kids bastards. No you are all right thank you so much for listening to me rant on I guess there's one in every family and I should stop wasting time on her and put all my energy into my children ??
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (13 June 2017):
 I'm agree with what's been said.
Just because they're your parents doesn't mean they're good people to be in your life. Personally, my dad has never been around for me and my life has been provided for me by my mum and grandparents. I wouldn't ever let my dad back into my life if he made the effort down to the shear fact that he has not taken an interest at any point of my life. It actually feels awkward to speak to him whenever I see him around town because we simply know nothing about each other.
I know that's not even remotely close to your post, but it shows that people out there are happy enough to continue without their parents in their life. If you feel that's the right thing to do then so be it and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
You have your reasons for being angry with her and they're perfectly valid.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2017): I think the only way you will be free of her drama and weirdness is to cut her out of your life. The fact that you say she has never been diagnosed, won't go to the group or even attempt to get docs meds for the sake of trying to improve for her family, says to me she is selfish and will never change. Obviously doesn't care how it impacts everone else.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2017): I had a similar childhood full of lies and I cut both parents out my life 2 yrs and it's ma deal my life much nicer .... my mother still sees my son everyother wk for 2 hrs but if she steps out of place it's over completely. ...but as far as I am concerned we don't have a relationship and I am better for it
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A
male
reader, judgedick  +, writes (13 June 2017):
 i agree fully with honeypie , and if I had her I would want her to go to a dr and never let her or any of the people that abused you and your sister near your kids , the only thing I find strange is if she had to be pumped out she would have not being let home with out a stay in a psychiatric hospital, just goes to show different countrys have different ways of looking at things
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2017): Boundaries are good. You may feel guilty about Leaving her out ..I like to put the ball in people's court... if she apologies to you and accepts responsibility For her actions then she might deserve one last chance.But not for this event.... .If you want her back in your life then she Would have to make a decision to play Differently but doesn't sound like she's capable Of such behavior. You're not responsible for her actionsOr remarks etc ... I would share whatever feelings you have for her and Then say I love my family too much to inflict the dramaYou bring to the relationship .If she get medical helpAnd seeks to improve her life then that's another story . Until then Keep boundaries and love her enough to unapologetically speak the truth.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (13 June 2017):
 Wow.
I don't blame you or think you are cold hearted. AT ALL.
Personally? I think you have too high expectations of your mom. She will NEVER apologize for her antics. I think she could have the Factitious disorder (link below) - not that I'm qualified to diagnose her but it makes sense.
http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/factitious-disorder/symptoms-causes/dxc-20322573
So while she is self-diagnosing bipolar she might have something more serious going on.
Or she was cunning enough to "play victim" when you kids were being abused so the focus was on her, not you. Impossible to say.
Either way - I think if she was MY mother I'd probably write her off. I know, I know she is "your" mother but there are things you experienced growing up, that should never have happened and one of the people RESPONSIBLE was your mother. I would NEVER expose my own kids to that or her.
We ALL have limits to how much we can/will take from other people. Maybe you have reached yours. That is something YOU have to decide.
And if you decide no more contact with her, no more ANYTHING - then don't let others shame you into thinking it's NOT OK to do that. YOU have to do what feels right for you and yours.
As for your partner's family, they don't need details. You can tell them you have nothing to do with them due to neglect and abuse in your childhood. Nothing more. If they ask for more, it IS OK to say I don't want to talk about it.
If you DO want her in your life, then I'd say stop expecting her to take responsibility for her actions and don't expect apologies ever either. Accept her for who she is. Someone who IS mentally ill.
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