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Can our relationship work? we have a baby on the way but the father of the baby has an addiction. Should I break up with him and move back with family?

Tagged as: Breaking up, Dating, Faded love, Family, Health, Pregnancy, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (28 December 2016) 5 Answers - (Newest, 4 January 2017)
A female United States age 26-29, *ondon Bridges writes:

We have a baby on the way and he is addicted to marijuana.

I had my own personal addiction to it myself but after realizing I was with child, I don't need it anymore.

I want my child to have the extra money instead and to use it to benefit as a family, however he is content with smoking marijuana and buying it (at least $20-$40 per week).

He has run through hundreds of dollars of our savings buying it. If I need something for the baby I have to keep reminding him.

He hasn't been helping stock up on diapers. He's bought one box the whole 8 months of my pregnancy and he's made hundreds of dollars from working.

He has no problem holding a job but with holding on to money.

He has multiple children prior to our relationship and is on child support for them.

He keeps promising me that he will save better and I won't have to worry about rent and bills (im not working) because he can handle everything.

I want to believe him but I am afraid that he is selling me dreams and wondering should I move in with family and just break things off with him?

He is the father of my child, if that were not a factor I don't think I would have tolerated this for so long.

I'm frugal and good with money and he is not.

Can this work? I've already talked to him and now I feel like I'm nagging because he won't save and the money keeps disappearing from our savings with no account for where it's being spent. He just says that he gets paid again in two weeks so why worry where the money went.

Im 25 and He's 28. Been together for 1 year.

From your point of view where do you see this relationship going with a newborn baby involved?

View related questions: money

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland +, writes (4 January 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntI can't see this working out. You have gave up the pot and wanting to make a life for you and your baby. But he doesn't seem to bothered. I mean he has other children so he should have stepped up when his first child was born. Am afraid it looks like you will also be claiming child maintenance from him. Do you see him with his other children? Is he good with them? This will indicate how he is with your child as he is not going to treat him or her any different. I understand he is the father off your child but that does not mean you should tolerate his behaviour.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (28 December 2016):

Honeypie agony auntI don't think long term this will work for you. I think you NEED to put the baby first, you already did that when you quit smoking, but what about when he/she is born?

I'd let him know that his "lifestyle" is not what you want for your family, what you want around your child. So he has the option to pick what HE wants to do. Does he want to be with you and baby OR does he wants his pot. While his pot usage is not interrupting him having a job, IT can in the future.

You also need to figure out to be independent. To HAVE and KEEP a job. Right now you choices are to go back home or stay because you NEED others to pay for things. That in not a good position to be in when you have a little one coming. Kids are expensive.

Unless he has a really well-paid job, child support will be minimum since he ALREADY has other kids he is paying for.

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A male reader, BrownWolf Canada + , writes (28 December 2016):

BrownWolf agony aunt"He is the father of my child, if that were not a factor I don't think I would have tolerated this for so long."

Sperm does make a man a father. His action and love towards his children do.

You have already shown your ability to be a good mother. You stop doing something in order to protect your child.

The questions is...How far are you willing to go to keep protecting the child?

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A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States +, writes (28 December 2016):

So_Very_Confused agony auntI am all for smoking, ingesting and using pot. IF he is spending 20-40 per WEEK on pot then he's not smoking as much as we are. I know folks who spend over 200 per week on it but they can afford it. That's the key...using it is one thing...using it so that you are non-functional and not paying your bills so you can have pot is another.

I actually quit it cold turkey in August. I was off of it for 4 months. IT can be done.

HE chooses not to. HE chooses to wander around this world impregnating women (sorry he is the baby daddy to other children you don't say if it's with multiple women)

From MY POV I see this as not ending well for you. You have expectations of him that he has already indicated with his behavior that he cannot or will not meet.

In addition if you have been together a year and are 8 months pregnant you got pregnant very early in the relationship and that left you with the "honeymoon" version of this man. He WAS at his best in the the cracks are starting to show.

UNLESS he makes the choice to take care of his child you can't force it. I would suggest that you

a. get a paternity test when the baby is born

b. have him listed on the birth certificate

c. file with social services to have child support garnished from his wages

in addition I strongly believe that drug use (including alcohol, tobacco and cannabis) not be allowed around children.

Assume sadly that you will be a single mom unless he makes the choice to get sober.

FWIW, I told my husband 2 years ago (January 5th will be 2 years) that he needed to stop drinking or we were done. He made the choice to stop drinking. I was shocked to be honest I really thought his first love would win. He gave up something he loved because he loved me more. I was totally prepared to end the relationship with him.

I suggest you find it in yourself to be that strong and tell baby daddy/bf that he needs to be drug/alcohol free or the relationship is over. I sadly do not know that he will put you and the baby first so you must be prepared to stick to your guns and end it if he does not sober up and get clean.

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A male reader, Denizen United Kingdom +, writes (28 December 2016):

Denizen agony auntYou need to talk this out and tell him your intentions. Part of the problem for him is that it is a lifestyle choice isn't it.

I'll bet his friends are stoners too. It is hard to walk away from a lifestyle. If you can get some sort of resolution from him to alter then you have a chance. The alternative is to go to family. However do you want your baby to grow up without a father? How will this be handled? This needs thought.

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