A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Where to start. I fell in love with a married man. He told me that he was on his way out of his marriage. He gave me horror stories about his wife. 8, 9, 10 months go by and he and I are more in love than I've ever been with anyone and I'm not young. Naive maybe but not young. He told me I was his soul mate. We spent all hours of the night and day either talking, texting, emailing, or finding ways to get together on his business trips. Initially I felt bad about the fact that he was married but the stories he told me about her went a long way toward allowing me to convince myself that what we were doing was justified. We picked out what apartment we were going to live in together and I put in an official request for a job transfer since I was going to have to move several states away to be with him. A week from the moving date he emails me and says he's made a mistake, that he wants to work things out with his wife, and I should never contact him again. Just like that. Almost a year of being in love and that's what I get from him. "I'm sorry if I led you on." In retrospect I've heard things in conversation with him that now lead me to believe this is not the first time he's done this to a woman.My question now is... do I tell his wife what he's done? Not really out of revenge but so that she can stop him from hurting someone else. And because I think she deserves to know. Given the lies he's told me that have come out I'm starting to think she isn't as bad as he claimed. I'm starting to think she needs to know what her husband's doing. Should I?
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male
reader, epicureansage  +, writes (20 February 2011):
Spare us. You care NOTHING for this man's wife. Nor are you a VICTIM of any sort. In the future, don't betray the "sisterhood" like this.
A
female
reader, Maria1980  +, writes (15 February 2011):
 First of all, 99% of married men never leave their wife for affair. No meter how intense it was. When I was twenty years old I got involved with over ten years older married man and that relationship lasted four years. I was in love like never before and I think those feelings I didn't experience even after with anyone else. But the worst part was that we didn't just spend all the time when we are not together on phone, we were together everyday for hours and hours and we were really in love. Sex was amazing, best I ever had. Parts of that relationship that I remember with smile. Anyway, he didn't lead me in deception he will leave his wife, he did say that few times in his weakness, but I never take him serious. I was just young and in love. But after some time, after we broke up, I didn't feel anything for him. We did actually spoke recently, and nothing. No feelings, no old flame, I don't feel nothing for him. Time will heal everything, just keep your heart open to other opportunities. Love other men. Those who are free of course. Forget his wife, feel sorry for her because she have to live with that kind of so called 'man'. Just think what he said about someone with whom he live with for years, who wash his laundry, feed him, sleep with him, maybe even have kids. How you could stay with such a man at the first place and think he will appreciate and respect you? All married people who are having affairs have some 'pathetic' story for their lovers about how miserable their marriage is and how unhappy they are with their spouses. Classic!! Shape up girl,life is wonderful, there is plenty fish in this sea, just open your heart and let everything go. Don't bang you head over the wall for this, that's just one more mistake in your life from which you need to learn something and move on. Come on girl, you have to admit that life is wonderful. You are the woman for God sake, strong and independent one who can have anyone. Joice is yours, do you want to live with full lungs or sit home and think and cry over one stupid man who doesn't deserve to be called a man at first place. Go out with friend, talk with them, interact with people and one day you will realize that you didn't think about it for long time. I hope you will wake up from that nightmare girl and realize that there is so much more in the world, take control over your life and enjoy. My heart is with you, and hopefully I bring a bit enthusiasm and sun in your days. Take good care,
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2011): "Given the lies he's told me that have come out I'm starting to think she isn't as bad as he claimed. I'm starting to think she needs to know what her husband's doing. Should I"
Yes.
If not you, then who.
I view this as your responsibility, because you were involved. Perhaps you were involved under false pretenses, but you were involved.
No, she won't appreciate it. She may have no clue though, and you may do something that will change her life for the better in the long run. It may also change his behavior...but I wouldn't count on it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2011): Come on, u know why you want to spill the horrific details of your affair.You knew he was married YET you embarked on the affair with him. While with him you cared nothing about his wife, you actually enjoyed her hb. So now that he has dumped you, you want to make him pay. You cared nothing about his marital status, you were setting up home with your MM. So what has changed? Only that his wife is worth more than shacking up with you.No use crying now. You knew he had a wife. You thought the worse of her. He dumped you. Now you want to get even. Now all of a sudden you are concerned that his wife is married to someone who is unfaithful.Sing a different tune. Tell her if you want, I cannot stop you. But don't expect him to come crawling back to your open arms.LoveGirl
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2011): Motive doesn't matter. Any and all cheaters should be exposed by anyone that knows what is going on, with no exceptions, ever. People should look at it exactly the same as stealing or rape or assault. Don't cover up despicable behavior and do your duty as a decent person to bring these selfish people down. I do think that you should also be exposed but at least you can nail one cheater and maybe vow to never do this again?
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A
female
reader, snowqueen +, writes (13 February 2011):
I understand how you feel. Revenge or to save other women, OR there's that chance that they will divorce over this and he will come to you. But Im sure he will lie his way out of it. He will make his wife feel bad for not trusting him, he will be pissed at you and make you feel like crap. He will always play the victim. You don't need a man like that. Be grateful that the coward backed out. Don't contact him again, don't contact his wife, turn your back on this and move on to a healthy relationship where you don't need to sacrifice yourself and be lied to. Mean while let him miss you and forever wonder if he made a biggest mistake of his life - that's the best revenge. Oh BTW you're still young, and there's so much ahead of you. Wish you all the best. Stay strong.
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A
male
reader, Kilcardy +, writes (13 February 2011):
Leave the wife alone. You got yourself into something you knew you should not have and now it's time for you to pay the price. The wife is paying her own price for staying with your cheating paramour. Stay away from married men. It's a losing game single women should never play.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2011): It is the oldest story in the book. Married man says his wife doesn't understand him/marriage on rocks - has affair - stays with wife - affair ultimately over. You have been had. You are not the only one out there by any means. Yes his wife should know about it, but you should not be the one to tell her. His wife probably has her suspicions and turns a blind eye or is in denial (again not that unusual). Just learn from it and try to put it behind you.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (13 February 2011):
 You want to write his wife because you want revenge ( if you had cared about her feelings you would not have slept with her husband to begin with ).
And you want revenge because you feel you have been scammed , so now you are angry, hurt and humiliated.
Sure, you have been scammed... but did you ever think you put yourself in the conditions of being scammed ?...
He was a married man cheating of his wife - but you were a woman accepting to have an affair with a married man.
So I'd say the responsibility is exactly 50/50 -it's not like you are the helpless victim of a callous criminal.
But he said, he sweared , he promised..... my dear, he was married and you knew it. He had no right , and was in no position to promise anything to anybody before having his signed divorce papers in his hands.
When you play ball with a hand-granade, then you can't much complain when it blows in your face.
Just leave the poor wife be, chalk this up to experience and move on. To single guys.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (13 February 2011):
 You know it as well as we do...you want to tell the wife so you can get your revenge. But there's a chance she might not even believe you, and thats going to make you feel even worse. This man is such a slick liar...he'l convince his wife that you're the one running after him and he's the babe in the woods. Where will that leave you then? You think he's ever going to accept the affair?
Now that the whole sham is over, just put it behind you and have nothing more to do with this guy. The sooner you get him out of your life, the better it is for you. Leave with dignity...dont make it any messier than it already is. Let the wife find out on her own...and she will.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2011): yes tell her, this involves her so it's appropriate that she should know about it whether she wants to or not it still involves her.
then walk away and wash your hands clean of the situation. leave him to deal with the mess he caused.
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A
female
reader, sarcy24  +, writes (13 February 2011):
 I understand you are furious, angry and upset and partly out for revenge. The truth of the matter is that most men when it comes down to it will not leave their wives as when they work out that it is going to cost them a lot financially and that they might not get to see theitr kids so much they think twice. Yes he led you on. He had great sex with you and love and attention which he wasn't getting at home. I would imagine the wife knew full well he was having an affair - most wives do know - so I think telling her would be a waste of time. Also why do you want to hurt her. You know you are the one in the wrong here and so is he. Just sleep on this for a while and you will feel and think differently. Whatever happens when he comes knocking again (and he will) don't take him back.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2011): Are you prepared for the wife to go psycho on you? as in stalking you, harassing you, cursing you to the heavens, trying to ruin your life because she hates you? If yes, then go ahead and tell her. she should treat him that way too but probably she'll aim it all at you because he at least provides her with something - money, roof over her head, health insurance, help with childcare - so it behooves her to cut him some slack. But she will hold back no punches with you.
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (13 February 2011):
 More or less you would be telling his wife so he doesn't hurt any more future affairs like he hurt you? What about compassion for her getting cheated on?
Most often cheating husbands have multiple affairs. It's always the same sexual, secret encounters away from the big bad wife who refuses to give him sex. He loves and needs you, then butters you up by fantasizing about the future that you two won't share. Due to the fact he won't leave his wife. When the affair gets way too attached, he bails out at the last minute. He most likely already has another affair lined up. I will say there are those extremely rare occasions where the spouse does leave everything they have for their affair.
Really it's not your place to tell his wife. She wouldn't be able to stop him since he's been cheating for quite a while. There's a chance that she may already know and just accepts it. If she was smart she would slap him with a divorce.
Even if you did contact and tell her, do you think she's going to believe you? Do you have any evidence? Her husband will deny everything you say, claiming them to be allegations. She will whatever her husband says.
Just let it go.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2011): oh come on you know the reason you want to tell his wife is revenge.If your motives was because she needs to know what her husband is doing, then why didn't you tell her before, when you and him were still "on"? why were you content to not say a word to her then but only now when he's not going to be with you after all?If your other motive to tell her is "so she can stop him from hurting someone else"...er, I think this is a completely backwards motive. As his wife, it's not HER job to "stop" him from hurting SOMEONE ELSE. A wife's job isn't to stop her husband from hurting his mistress!if you were so concerned for his wife's well being, you would have not gotten into an affair with him in the first place. Only now when he's not getting together with you after all, then suddenly you're concerned for her?come on..you know it's a desire for revenge that makes you want to tell her.That said ... sure, go ahead and tell her!! the jerk deserves to be outed. Plotting against his wife, texting and emailing someone else at all times of the night and day, calling someone else his soul mate, picking out apartments to move into with you...he deserves to have his world collapse around him. As for her - I think her world has already collapsed if her husband was planning in such detail a new life with someone else while still married to her. Makes no difference for her if you tell her or not, she's still married to a scum either way. So go ahead and tell her. Just be honest that your motives are revenge!
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A
male
reader, C. Grant +, writes (13 February 2011):
 Think on this for six months. You say, now, while you're (understandably) hurting that it's not out of revenge. Fair enough. Give yourself some time to heal. In six months you'll know better if it's revenge or some better motive.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2011): Should someone tell your family you were knowingly involved with a married man so someone can put a stop to you trying to steal husbands? If that answer is no, then don't tell his wife in hopes she'll stop him. Fair enough.
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