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anonymous
writes:I had recently asked a question concerning my boyfriend bringing a box over to my house (he lives with me) from his parents. When I looked in it I found a whole photo album of him and his ex. I was a bit bothered by that because when I asked him what was in the box he just said the only photos of him that he had. That's why I looked of course.... Anyways, I found more stuff of his ex's in there. It's like a memorial. There is a binder full of all the letters I'm guessing she wrote him, A LOT of picutres, and also a box full of things such as her garter belt from prom, I'm guessing, a condom package and such things to remind him of her in some way or another. I have not yet told him that I looked through this box, but have stated that it is time to clean out that room and throw a bunch of things away. I don't know what I should really think of this. I am quite bothered by all these things that he has of then, but not sure if I should say anything and just wait to see if he actually throws that stuff away or should I say something to get if off my chest? Can anyone please help me???
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male
reader, Wild Thaing  +, writes (27 May 2006):
 You're quite welcome. We're here to help you see things through a different lens. We all need to hear different perspectives from time to time, especially when our inner voice is not being too helpful.
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female
reader, willywombat  +, writes (26 May 2006):
 I am glad you understand that you feel threatened, because at leats if you understand why then you are halfway to solving the issue. Good luck dealing with these negative feelings! It is ok to admit to them because we all have them. It's just knowing how and when it is appropriate to act on them.
xxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI didn't know I was looking at personal things until I realized they weren't pictures of just him. He never mentioned these were memories of his ex, he just stated that they were the only pictures of him that he had. If I knew that it was personal stuff, I would've left well enough alone.
I do thank a lot of you, I do realize that these are his past memories and not his present. I was feeling a little threatened by him keeping all these memories, but I am well aware that that's exactly what they are, memories and nothing more......
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female
reader, ShortandSweet? +, writes (26 May 2006):
 Memories, and our pasts are something that should not be controlled by the present person in our lives. Looking into personal effects without that person's knowledge is an abuse of trust - not to mention off-putting!
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2006): Wendyg, you are right on the mark, girl. These are HIS memories and you need to respect that. While I think he has the right to his own private thoughts and memories, I do think he should've just come clean and just told you he had this box and left it at that. My partner has albums of an ex gf, who was in his life for many years. They did a lot of travelling and enjoyed many things together. When I first met him, I sat with him and we looked at the pictures together and he told me about the places they had visited. This was his life before me-I fully accepted that. I have a ton of pics of my life with my ex-husband and family, before this guy came on the scene. We've looked at those together too. It's no big deal. Hun, his ex is the past, you are his present. Do not do anything with this box of memories, just leave it alone. There is nothing wrong with him having momentos. He had a life before you! But learn to deal with your own insecurities, learn to trust him and realize, that he loves you.
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reader, willywombat +, writes (25 May 2006):
I have to ask you - do you not think that he is entitled to a little privacy to keep what he wants in this box? Why should it bother you at all that he has these things? Why do you feel the need to control even his way of keeping memories fresh?
Please let this go. You really shouldn't have snooped and I think you may just be regretting ever having done that now.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, just so everyone here knows, he never told me what was in the box. I asked him and he just stated that they are the only pictures of him that he has. He never said that it was a box full of memories from him and his ex. I think that by him not telling me and having me find out on my own, that was wrong. If he isn't "ashamed" of what he has in the box, then why couldn't he just stated what was really in the box? That is what really bothers me....don't just tell me that they are just pictures when it is way above just pictures....Thanks for the advice everyone, but him not telling me at all about that box kind of bothered me......he said it was just pictures of him, but when I go to look, it's pictures of him and his ex, old letters, etc...that is what mostly bothered me....I wasn't expecting what I saw and by him not telling me himself, kinda hurt me.....
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reader, willywombat +, writes (25 May 2006):
Just because YOU don't need to keep things to remind you of your past does not make it the norm for everybody. I have a memory box or three in the attic with all sorts of stuff in. I think it actually shows signs of your emmotional immaturity that you are so worried about it!!
What has it to do with you if he keeps it or not. Maybe he has fond memories of the night? maybe he needs something physical and tangible to help him remember. You cannot erase memories and I suspect if you insist that he chucks this stuff or you interfere with it in any way then he will lose you!
This is to do with your insecurity. Leave the guy's memories alone. How about creating a few of your own then he won't have to look at it so often, maybe then he will appreciate how little it actually might mean to him.
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reader, Wild Thaing +, writes (25 May 2006):
I have a box with memorabilia of a past relationship. I am sure that my wife has gone through it, but has never said a thing to me about it. She respects my right to keep that box because she trusts me completely. In sixteen years we have never given the other a reason to doubt that mutual trust.
Toria's counsel is plain wrong. When my brother-in-law allowed his girlfriend to burn all of the pictures associated with his failed marriage, I thought it was the STUPIDEST thing he could have done. What was to be gained except a serious lack of judgement? Fortunately he regained his judgement dumped that girl within a year.
If you trust your boyfriend, that box of memorabilia should have absolutely no meaning to you. That box is NOT about you, but the trust issue certainly is. You should consider discussing your insecurities with him, but don't project your insecurites by commanding your boyfriend to make the box go away.
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reader, Wendyg +, writes (23 May 2006):
 What you seem to be missing is that this box and its contents are actually part of who he is. It may have gone before, but it doesnt mean it didnt happen, lots of people keep things its reminds them that they are alive, its probably not that he is upset by it, but merely has memories. We all have memories good or bad that we take thoughout life with us. He may not really realise whats in the box, to him its part of what happend to him in life. He must feel comfortable about bringing it with him, afterall as he has not hidden it from you, hes just keeping a keepsake of memories and there is no harm in it. If you really want to know ask him to show you whats in the box, ask whats in there in more detail and take it from there. We all have a past and whether its held in a box or not they remain in our heads/hearts, just by throwing things away doesnt mean it erases the past, the past will always remain there.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2006): He may not even remember that the box exists if the relationship occurred long ago. Go ahead and ask him about it. My guess is that he'll choose to get rid of most of the stuff in the box anyways.
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female
reader, Toria +, writes (23 May 2006):
 Well if it was me i would have to say something, i would put it to him that how would he feel if i had a whole box of stuff from my ex, surely after that he must realise that all this box of stuff is doing is hurting you and if he loves you the last thing he should want to do is hurt you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, this relationship took place probably about 4 years ago. I don't think it's very necessary to keep all of this now. I threw a lot of things away of my ex's because it got old and I got over them and didn't want to keep memorials. Maybe a couple things, but not a WHOLE BOX FULL! I just don't think he needs ALL of this stuff anymore, he shouldn't be upset any longer....right?
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female
reader, Dr.tootylu +, writes (23 May 2006):
He his probally just upset, remember to think what would it be like the other way around? But if you feel you need to say somthing then do other wise you will become parinotic. Follow your heart but dont forget your head
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