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age
26-29,
anonymous
writes: Hi everyone, this is my first post so please bare with me. I am writing on behalf of my friend (M 22) who had a situation with his ex (F 21) recently which I am very concerned about. They have known each other for about 8 years so their history is quite extensive. They met through church when she was 13 and he was 15. Both had crushes on each other but since they were two grades apart, nothing developed until they were both in high school. They were always on and off and eventually became fwb when he left for college. They've both had issues from childhood, her biological dad died when she was 6/7. She was born in another country, her mom met a guy who is from the U.S. they married and he brought them both to the U.S. and essentially raised her. My friend grew up in a broken home, and while both parent are successful, he experienced custody battles with family law from infancy to high school. I bring this up because they are almost polar opposites, her being a serial monogamist and him having had almost solely hookups with her being the closest thing to a relationship. Anyways, when he came back from college his first year (four years ago) they were going to start seeing each other and make it finally work but she had been seeing someone without telling him. He flipped out and handled it horribly, ultimately burning a bridge with her. Months later he apologized and tried to patch things up with her but she told him that she was dating a girl (she's bi) and wanted nothing to do with him. He moved on but ran into her and her friends from hs the next summer when they were both back from college. They didn't talk, but she screamed and started laughing and talking about him to her friends. A few of her friends later followed and stalked him on social media. She texted him months later saying she ran into someone who said he was still talking about her (he wasn't) and she wanted to make sure she wasn't still upset at him. He cleared things up with her and had one of his girl friends talk to a mutual friend of the ex to test the waters. The ex's friend was pleasantly surprised but said the ex was still dating the girl and although things were rocky she didn't think it was the best time to bring his name up to her. Things like this, cat and mouse, are what have basically gone on since they split. Bottom line, my friend had to go to rehab last year before finishing college and had to over come other issues from the years (porn, drinking, etc.). Turns out they were the root of all his problems. He has been beyond lucky, spotless record, and is actually moving to San Diego for a dangerous but very prestigious job. he wanted to come clean with his ex, so he texted her telling her everything and just wanted to simply meet up for coffee or a phone call. She didn't respond, so a month later he was so hurt but such an idiot that he harassed her gf on social media. He wanted to show how little he respected the relationship from the start, but he obv should have gone about it differently. He actually ran into the gf and her dad while hiking in their hometown (small world) and he threatened to get the police involved if the harassment continued. I think the dad also wanted my friend to apologize to everyone and make amends, but my friend in his stubbornness just walked away and hasn't talked to any of them, even the ex since it all happened. During this time, his ex's mom looked him up on LinkedIn, as well as the gf's dad. The ex is still with the girl but their relationship was obviously severely damaged. In my opinion, the ex may be one of those lesbians before graduation as she has made it clear she still likes guys. I really want to see my friend do well, he is so smart (he could've gone to MIT) and he has so much going for him but I also want to see him at least make peace with his ex before he leaves town in a few months. She has a lot going for her too, she's going to be a senior at UC Berkeley. They are both amazing people and have been through so much, in retrospect I can see what may have kept drawing them together over the years, him being like a father figure to her and her giving him the emotional side he's struggled with. I always hoped they'd end up together when they were mature and his parents even joked about them getting married someday. However, I know things are severely damaged with them and he needs to focus on his future at this point. Please be considerate and respectful with your thoughts, this is a very sensitive situation. My questions are why the parents of the ex and the gf would look at my friend's LinkedIn? Also, had my friend not bothered the gf, would he have had a chance with his ex again after the time apart? Should he reach out to her at this point or just leave it all behind him? Lastly, have you ever come across something this messy or worse and seen anything successful come out of it down the road? Any advice is greatly appreciated, I just ask to please refrain from any sarcastic or ridiculing comments out of respect for my friend and I.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (23 May 2020):
 Your friend must be a very stubborn guy. One of those people who ask for advice, -don't like the advice, don't take it… but keep posting , or making friends post on their behalf,
in the hope they get the advice they wanted to begin with. Strange way to proceed , if you ask me. If , basically, one already has in mind what he/ she wants to do- no need for asking advice, right ?
I remember well your friend's story and I remember the consensus here was general : he needs to move on, he needs to leave the girl alone and to find a way to be happy without her. That ship has clearly sailed, too much bad stuff went down and now there's basically no way to rekindle BUT , even if there were, it would not necessarily be a good thing for him. He and the girl seem to be not compatible, not on the same wave length, and only able to bring out the worst from each other. A long time has passed and being so attached to the past ,and so prone to obsess about minor and / or now barely relevant details, is not healthy for your friend and not conducive to his emotional well being and his happiness.
Not to mention that anyway your friend seems to have quite some baggage and quite a few issues to deal with yet, and does not sound as if he is already in a good ,healthy mind-space for a relationship.
Maybe you should suggest him to finish working on himself first , not only in the sense of being addiction - free, but also in the sense of becoming capable of standing on his own legs without a girl as emotional crutch, and trying to becoming proactive and propositive in shaping a future for himself, which he can do much better if he stops clinging to the past.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2020): Your friend may have written here a few times himself; and the story is very much familiar.
He fell for a woman who turns out to be bisexual. They meet on the beach, she laughs with her friends. He then devises a plan to break them up. He comes back to tell us about it. After writing about his obsession with this woman three or more times; he must have gotten frustrated with the answers. Now you're "writing for a friend."
Stay out of it. It's too much drama, and if he's the guy I think he is; there is something seriously wrong with him. He keeps saying this woman wants him. If so, why was he coming here to DC for our advice? The general consensus (which included aunts, uncles, and anonymous readers each and every-time) was for him to leave the woman alone, and move on! Now he's ghost-writing through a friend?
I will express myself as I please. I will exercise common courtesy, but I don't really need someone coming here telling us how we should answer any question. It's a forum for opinion, and you may not like the style or the opinions given. That's entirely up to you.
It's a lot of drama, and you shouldn't be drawn into it. When you see for yourself how messy it is, it would behoove you to steer clear; and let him handle his own affairs like a man.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek  + ♥, writes (22 May 2020):
 OP, I can see that you obviously care about your friend and want him to be happy but there really isn't much that you can do. People have to live their own lives and make their choices and then have to deal with the choices that they make. It seems as though your friend burned the bridges with him and the girl. Trust me, if you get too involved and then things go wrong between the two of them who is to say that they won't blame you? Sometimes you just have to leave things alone, let the chips fall where they may and trust that the two of them will make the right decisions for themselves.
I have no idea why people would be looking at his LinkedIn other than to see what kind of job he has?
It is a real mess. I have seen people go through things like this but to be honest, the relationships never lasted when things were that messed up. I had a friend who got married at 18 to a man 10 years older than her. They had dated for 2 years everyone thought she was happy. 3 months down the road she cheated, got pregnant with twins with another man, got divorced, got with the father of the babies and a year later divorced him. She was a real mess and just kept making bad decisions. Some people just have the knack of picking the wrong people for themselves.
I know you want to help...but I honestly think you would be best off to stay out of it.
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A
female
reader, hilary  +, writes (22 May 2020):
 You say your friend and his woman are very bright, but none of what you say in your very long monologue backs that up. Why are you so engrossed with this and obsessed with it? It is almost as if you care more about it than they do? Do you not have a life of your own to worry about and live? Leave them to sort themselves out - they can use this terrific intelligence you claim they have to do it. If they want advice from strangers they can ask for it themselves.
One of the things I learned years ago was to be very picky about who I get advice from. I always found the people who were quick to give it - without being asked to - were always the least capable and the least qualified and gave the most rubbish advice. If their own lives were a mess even more so.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2020): OP, you are way too invested this soap opera like relationship. What I would recommend is that you stay out of their relationship, or lack thereof. If your friend, and the female, are as bright as you say that they are, they certainly must be smart enough to make their own decisions on how to interact, or not interact with one another! I think that perhaps you should let them live their own lives, and remain focused on your own life. I believe that you want to be a good friend, but this is much too complicated to become involved in. Even if you could influence at outcome, such as their marriage, then if the marriage fails, you have put yourself into the hot seat, to be blamed, for their failures. Both of your friends sound like they need some serious psychological counseling. Best wishes OP!
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