A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've got (had) a good friend who made it clear she liked my boyfriend.She instantly liked him but whenever we had an argument she would always side with him and text him make sure he was OK and I wouldn't hear from her for ages! One time she was round mine and he called to say he was leaving work early. She made an excuse to pop to the shop and came back with a full face of make up on, changed clothes and had done her hair. A lot of our friends said it made them uncomfortable as she clearly liked him.I spoke to him about it and he said he got the feeling that she had a bit of a crush on him but although he got on with her as she was my friend, he certainly wouldn't ever look at her in that way and we agreed not to confront her or anything about it as it may embarrass her. In the kindest possible way she is a very large woman and not the most attractive of people. Anyway it became obvious that she started to cause problems between us. For example one night we were out and a man started chatting me up. I rejected his advances but my 'friend' told my bf that I'd taken his number which was completely untrue. There were many instances like this and it caused problems so in the end we decided not to talk to her or see her anywhere near as much.This was back in December. On Weds of this week he mentioned he'd seen her drive past our house and wondered if she'd been round. I said no I've not seen her since her for a few weeks. I asked if he'd heard anything from her and he said no not a thing.So Thursday night I went out with some friends and bumped into this girl out. She asked how things were and I said good. She said have you had anymore arguments since your one last week.. I asked what she was talking about and she said oh you fell out didn't you because of him spending too much money on a night out. We had argued about this so I asked how she knew and she said because she'd met up with him because he wanted someone to talk to. According to her they've met up about 5 times since we agreed to not see so much of her and they apparently text every week. I asked him and we argued about it, he admitted it and said he didn't tell me as he knew id be annoyed. But why did he feel the need to meet her when she's caused all sorts of trouble for us? It was him who told me we need to cut contact with her as she was ruining our relationship!! This is driving me mad!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2014): He broke the agreement. If he needed someone to talk to then he need one of his friends, his sibling, a parent, a psychologist. He is selfish and so is she. Neither is ur friend. They both disrespect u.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2014): When I was married my husband had a friend who we both knew but he was much closer to. She clearly disliked us getting married and she started ringing and calling him all the time. She would conveniently know if we had had an argument and would be his shoulder to cry on and many other things. I told him this close contact and sharing things was upsetting me and he agreed to cut her out of his life. For about a year I truely believed this is what happened until he left his phone at home when he was at work in error and ofcourse something made me look. There were numerous messages from someone called Simon and ofcourse on closer inspection that was what he had her saved under. They had met for 'coffee' numerous times and he had shared a lot about our marriage with her. The reason why I am recounting this is because I knew she really wanted him but the deceit was too great for me so I walked. As one of the other posters here says if you mention it and try to enforce rules like not seeing her / speaking to her he will become resentful and this is what happened with me. Before I walked I begged him to cut her off but I could see he hated me for trying to control him and make him do that. He would not or could not see that what he was doing was wrong. Anyway I walked and I urge you to do so too. It was the end of the marriage for me as I no longer trusted him. He went out with the other woman for a while but it did not last as I think he realised that she was the instigator of our break up and he began to resent her for this. He tried to get in contact with me a few times and sent me numerous emails but I just could not forgive him.Your boyfriend is enjoying the attention and playing the game but I don't think he realises that this will be at the cost of your relationship. The girl is a trouble maker and says all the right things to your boyfriend and playing the always there friend game. She is not nice and would not like this being done to her. I honestly would tell him very clearly and calmly why you are doing it and leave. Personally I think he will beg you to come back but I would think very carefully before you return. Loyalty and trust are very high on my list of important qualities.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2014): You've had really good advice, he is a complete dick and you should be seriously questioning whether you want to waste any more time with a man who is happy to deceive you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2014): He's done 3 s^^^ things:1. Lied to you about not seeing or hearing from this woman2. Told someone outside of the relationship about your personal business with him.3. The person that he's chosen to tell, happens to be a woman that you've both agreed to effectively cut out of your lifeThese are signs of a weak and immature man. Either he can't see that she is manipulating him OR he is turning a blind eye to the fact that he knows this, so that he can continue to enjoy her attention.If he is so easily manipulated OR so easily prone to 'turning a blind eye', with the result that he does three major, shitty things to you and your relationship, then I'd seriously question whether you want him. If you decide to stay with him, you put yourself into the role of educating him about his own weaknesses and immaturity and the risk is that he will only resent you for it and will only come closer to this other woman.I'd call his bluff right here and now. Walk away. Calmly, coolly with absolutely NO drama at all. Just go and stay with your parents or with a friend and make it clear that this is not a game or a stunt and that you are perfectly serious about leaving him and have moved out in order to make other, more permanent arrangements.When you do this, he has the choice to 'step up' and REALLY cut this woman out of his life and yours, or he will choose not to do so. Either way, it puts a lot of responsibility on you to be his 'conscience' ever after, because whilst he might learn, like a dog learns, not to do something, he may never really fully understand of his own accord and may continue to resent you in the longer term. It depends on whether you want to 'train' him or whether he really does have the emotional intelligence to fully understand what a shit he's been.I know it's not easy at all to do this. But if you carry on and just play cool whilst staying with him you will be inwardly fretting and worrying and it will wear on your nerves and any sense of self-value. This is EXACTLY what your 'friend' wants to happen. She wants to wear you down.So, present him with the possibility of a real relationship with this overweight and unattractive woman. My strong inclination is that, once the feeling of "illicit' meetings have gone - that is, once he feels that he is no longer secretly going behind your back - he will not want her and will get bored. That's not to say that it will also mean that he becomes more emotionally mature and understands what he's done - it only means he will realise he had a better deal and that he is now bored.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2014): Your so-called friend is sabotaging your relationship;and your stupid boyfriend is playing easily into her scheme.
I'd say deliberately. Don't dare him to do anything, he will do it vengefully.
She set him up for a secret meeting under the guise of offering her sympathetic ear. She knew this would come in handy to hit you below the belt; because the idiot obviously told her that you both agreed to cutback on seeing her. She also knows the reason why; and has stepped up her strategy. She won't get the guy, just the satisfaction of destroying your relationship.
He's on the hot-seat. Already talked too much, and lied to you. He was her co-conspirator. Thus; she has driven the wedge in-place. Nothing makes her happier. Honestly; he probably has no romantic interest; but did want somebody to confide in. She manipulated that situation. He's not a fool. He went behind your back; so he's fully accountable for that. He knew you'd find out. He wanted to hurt you.
She is not a friend by any definition of the word. She is an opportunist. She waits in the wings for you to have a row with your boyfriend; then she comes round to play "peace-maker" and confidant. Lowest of the low, and breaking every rule in the "Girlfriend Code of Conduct."
She's supposed to watch your back, not stab you in it!
He's basking in your jealousy, and soaking up the attention. Knowing how it gets to you. So chill on the overreaction to all this. You have to play it a little cooler. They're feeding on your insecurity; and will use it to manipulate you and wear you down. He's hoping you'll kiss his ass to keep him from going to her. She's hoping to get him in bed.
Quietly and calmly keep an eye on things; while you decide if you want to dump him. Maybe the fights are an indication that it's time to consider that.
Calm down and use logic. Control the emotion. Your short-fuse and temperament is getting you into trouble.
She's the woman playing behind the scenes; and showing him how to get to you. She befriended him to get the dirty lowdown on your personal-business; and she knows your weaknesses. That's why you've got to cool your heels a bit.
They're making a crazy fool of you.
The first thing a guy does when his wife or girlfriend puts him in the doghouse, or pisses him off, is look for a sympathizer. An ally. She might get really pissed when she discovers how he's playing her too. You're also seeing a side of your boyfriend you better take note on. He will back-stab you using your "friends." That's a deal-breaker in my book.
Let him know in no uncertain terms that his deceit has jeopardized your trust; and has seriously compromised your relationship. Then wait and see what kind of impact that makes on him. If it doesn't seem to phase him. There you have it! Time to ditch the sonofabitch.
He needs to know that aligning with the enemy is a serious breach of trust; and you will end the relationship on that note. Then have the nuggets to do just that.
She doesn't win anything; and you haven't lost anything, if he uses your friends to turn against you.
If he wants her, give him to her. You don't hang on to a guy who'll play you, with help from your own friends. He's a dick, and sneaky. Using your friends to spitefully get back at you. That's under-handed and shouldn't be dismissed.
Don't be afraid she'll win and get your boyfriend. He's just playing you against each other. Call his bluff and let him know, that you will kick his ass to the curb; and won't look back no matter how much is hurts.
These are serious words, but you have to let a boyfriend know. He crossed into territory that really shaved a lot of points off his character as a man.
You also need to keep your personal-business to yourself. DO NOT share private details about fights between you and your bf with any woman! Other than your mother, or a relationship-counselor. Don't fight in public, or in-front of your friends. Don't publicly display anger, or an attitude for girlfriends to see.
That will minimize opportunists from getting their hands on a broken-in boyfriend; because they otherwise can't get one on their own merit. They have to latch-on to some other lady's man like a tick.
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A
female
reader, Intrigued3000  +, writes (26 April 2014):
 It doesn't matter what she looks like, her aim is to get your man. Why is your bf hiding their friendship from you? Not a good sign. I agree with Lifton. This deception is unacceptable.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (26 April 2014):
 Talk to your BF again, ask him if he can't see what kind of distrust HE created by going to HER for advice. He should know that the ONLY reason SHE sees him is to create drama and hopefully snag him up or at least break you two up. She doesn't HAVE any good intentions and she certainly isn't a friend.
I would also talk to your BF about lying. Make sure he understands that LYING is WAY more detrimental to a relationship then he might think. It's pretty simple.
And I would ask him to give you a good reason WHY he was seeing her, when he KNEW that she was the cause of trouble.
And yes, your BF is flattered. It makes him feel like he is the hottest stud around to have some chick "pine" for him and pretend to be his friend.
Girls who act like that are missing some basic morals and social skills.
My advice to you, is IF you see HER out and about DO not engage in conversations. Do not give her ANY info about YOU or YOUR relationship. She is looking for weaknesses, for ammo to achieve her goal. Whether is is to JUST break you and your BF up OR to date him yourself doesn't matter. Just say hi and walk away. SHE has already proven to you that she is NO friend of yours. You don't OWE her a thing. No need to be mean or rude to he, but show her in no uncertain terms that she is no longer a person you consider a friend.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (26 April 2014):
 Everything anonymous said. He loves the attention and flattery he gets from this pathetic "friend" of yours.
I would have a really hard time chewing on this. It might be something I'd consider breaking up over because that's just plain deceptive. He bold faced lied to you.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (26 April 2014):
 He meets her because she flatters his ego. She fawns and fusses over him and makes him feel important and wanted because obviously she has a huge crush on him and he loves that. Your boyfriend is a spineless hypocrite, sorry OP. He told you to cut contact with her and then he's meeting her behind your back and discussing your personal life with her. He's making you look like a fool because she's loving the fact that she's causing problems between you and your boyfriend, which gives her something to be victorious about in her sad, pathetic life.
Your B/f basically loves the attention, even if it means doing something that makes you unhappy. You need to make something very clear to him-this cannot go on and certainly not behind your back. If he so badly wishes to speak to her then let him do it in your presence or with your knowledge. Anything done on the sly or with the intent of hiding from your partner is obviously wrong and should not be tolerated.
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