A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:MOD NOTE: TWO QUESTIONS COMBINEDMy head is in a spin . My ex broke up with me a few months ago. At first he sent nasty texts and then texts saying he loves me and then I heard nothing for over a week, the texts dwindled to odd 1 or 2 and then nothin for 10 days, suddenly at stupid o'clock in the morning I got texts saying how he has done is house up and bought laptops and done is garden and saying I should live up there , next text was being nasty again. By the way he is an alcoholic and has been for 10 years and he lost jobs through it, I've heard from the grapevine he is mixing with hard drugs and sleepers too. I ignored all his texts and then 5 days later I got another saying he was off the drink and had py loads of weight on and life was amazing, why did he need to tell me any of that? The last text I got was I love you and it's been a week and I've heard nothing .. Why does he even text me? He clearly doesn't want me anymore and I think there is somebody else . Why does my heart ache for him though? Please help X. Ps he was seen by my friend the other day( he didn't see her) she said he had a flat cap on with jeans on and jacket and looked withdrawn in the face and drunk so I guess he hasn't stopped drinking at all, by the way he doesn't work and won't work due to all benifits he gets for his drinking problem, he used to laugh saying tax payers pay his money so why should he work.. Anyway please help me get over him , I blame myself and feel so worthless at the moment and he used to say I'm the last girl on the dance floor( whatever that means)I just need any thoughts and advice please as it's driving me nuts and making me feel ill. Right to cut a long story short I got dumped by my boyfriend of over 7 years( he has a severe drink problem and drug problem) anyway his reason for dumping me was due to Facebook and the fact I blocked him,yes I did block him in the first couple month together because he went through my friend list and argued and got nasty because I had males on my friend list and an ex( from when I was a young teenager) out of being childish and fed up of his drunken arguements yes I blocked him, I stopped going on fb and thought he had too anyway years later he brought it up again why did you block me, he wouldn't accept my awnser and chose his reason instead saying I'm a cheat, he was drunk and he went for me and argued for hours until he left, he came bk a week later and we was fine and then a few days later he brought it up again, asking me to unblock him, I was stubborn and just told him to go home as he was drunk, he did go. I will be honest and say I didn't unblock him cos I was scared I would see things I didn't want to see on his profile ,I guess I was scared to see the truth and that he was the cheat and I already found out he had exes on his friends and other lasses ,so why did he Have a problem with me. Anyway even though he kept coming bk to me, he finally dumped me 4 months ago and uses being blocked on face book as the reason, it's like I never existed in his life, he still drinks and takes drugs by the way. Am I in the wrong ? And why does my heart and head hurt so much . Was he using Facebook as a cop out because he met somebody else and didn't have the guts to tell me? I feel he used me when he had nothing else's to do, he hangs with other drinkers et
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, femmenoir  +, writes (29 April 2018):
 Hi again,
It's great that you've been thinking about what's best for you, not what's best for him.
Also, may i say, from very personal experience, you will never be able to reason with somebody who (hypothetically), chooses to drink heavily, do drugs or even smoke heavily.
It is almost impossible, especially whereby heavy drinking is concerned.
Why?
Well, for the most part, it's because a person who does so, is pretty much addicted and they're never really fully compos mentis and in control of their own life.
If such a person is struggling with their own addiction and their own lack of proper reason/judgement, then how on earth, do you think nor expect them, to be able to deal with you in a respectful and logical manner?
This is like looking for a needle in a haystack and this is certainly something to sit down and think about.
You can do anything you put your mind to and your first step to success, is to block him permanently, let go and move on without him.
Remember also, happiness is a state of mind and if you're ever seeking to find complete fulfilment in another, you will not find it.
This gift, is solely within YOU!
Others can add to your level of happiness, but how you feel, is always dependent upon YOU, YOUR state of mind and internal reasoning.
Nobody likes to see anybody suffering, however, when somebody "chooses" to destroy their own life or when they "choose" to do something adverse and something that affects their overall health/cognition and their relationship with others, then there isn't a whole lot you can do.
This is "their" doing and this is what "they choose" to do and even if/when you try your best to encourage and/or help them, it most often doesn't work.
They must take that first step, to acknowledge that they have a problem, that they want to change their own life and they must seek professional assistance of their own accord, if they're truly sincere.
Only when "they" make the decision to change "their" lives, are they on the right path to recovery.
You can't push it upon them.
In life, we all have our lessons to learn.
Just maybe, this is your lesson to learn that, you are not responsible to pick him up, to pick up all the broken pieces, nor to try and "fix" him.
He too, has his own lessons to learn and he will come to learn, that because of his choices, he seriously buggered up, some of the very best things that came his way.
He cannot have his cake and eat it too.
Eventually, something was bound to happen and it did.
All the best to you and your child.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2018): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for your advice and your responses were very true and it opened my eyes to a lot and your right I am worth more then somebody like him and yes he really is messed up. I tried to help him and be the loyal girlfriend but it wasn't good enough, I realise he will only believe what he makes up in his head and he isn't living in reality( he lives in the drugs and drink world) I need to build my confidence back up and get my friends back and just live life and have fun and keep working hard in my job and being the best mum to my son. My prince will come when the time is right . No more low life losers. X thank you again for your honest advice
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A
female
reader, femmenoir +, writes (28 April 2018):
I would strongly encourage you to stop wasting your time with this guy.
It matters not, as to how long you were together, because ultimately, it's in the absolute quality of the relationship.
You should block this guy and get on with your life.
You aren't a desperate soul and you know you deserve so much better than this.
You are wasting your precious time with a guy who sounds totally confused and with all due respect, sounds quite messed up.
He requires help, but only he can make this choice, to sort his own life out, as you too, must sort your own life out.
You will only ever be truly happy and free of all these dramas and unnecessary pain/worry, when you finally let go of this guy and move forward without him.
You can do so much better and if you know your own self worth, you'll know that leaving this unstable connection, is the very best thing you can do.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (28 April 2018):
 JUST block his number and move on, he sounds like a loser and not a good partner.
STOP wasting your time trying to figure him out.
JUST cut him off and move on. You can't change how he thinks, feels, what he says or does. He is who he is - a druggie and alcohol - not some great prize of a man.
You might have stuck it out for 7 years with him, but honestly? Don't you think you can do better than that?
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