A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:We've gone on a few dates and everything is sailing smoothly except one thing: She is just NOT ready to have sex.To me, it feels like she is chopping off my balls and making me her eunuch. I want to love her and show her a great passionate pleasure but she is not being ready for it.Then, a few days ago, I got into contact with an old friend and she wants to meet up for sex.To me, I don't feel like I am cheating on this new girl because I have not slept with her yet and we are unofficial, still JUST DATING. I don't have to report what I do to her or be completely faithful to her at this moment. However, I know that once we are official and she does fully embrace my love and passion for her and allows me to make love with her, I would be completely loyal and dedicated to her. For now, her own reluctance and withdrawal compels me to do this.The only reason a partner would seek another person outside the relationship is if there is something lacking, and for me, sex is important, and is currently lacking.What do you people think? Should I go through with it? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (10 November 2011):
 Time to move on. I expect there are other women out there who will find you sexually desirable. Your persistence is puzzling, have you never ever experienced that famous song "You can't always get what you want"?
Maybe she has an STD and is waiting for the antibiotics to kick in?
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (10 November 2011):
 I agree with Honeypie.
you need to dump her and move on.
the fact that you view her as selfish and inconsiderate because she won't have sex with you says that you guys are incompatible as partners.
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (10 November 2011):
 Dump her, and stay single that way you won't have any issues with feeling "bad" for cheating.
Poor girl.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionupdate!: I am still dating the girl. She has opened up to me a bit more. More willing to let me touch her and hold her. Also, I am unhappy with her because she will not give her all to me. As a result, I had sex with another woman the other weekend. A woman who wanted me badly and I made me feel wanted and happy.Since then, I have expressed my dissatisfaction with our exclusivity and suggested her to date other guys (thus, more freedom for me to date other girls if she doesn't change her selfish behavior). I have also said I have been so eager to move things along for the longest time now, but she is still reluctant. I am starting to see it is inconsiderate of her to make me wait for her. Who the heck likes "waiting", honestly? All I've wanted is for her to be at my level and want and desire me as much as I do for her, but I question whether she will...but I know I have other girls who are down for me....what to do? I already know I'm a player so no need to be negative here.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (5 November 2011):
 Long term relationships are built on friendship. You should wait with sex until you are a bit into the official relationship, maybe a few weeks or even months. Communication, trust, honesty, respect, those are the things you build a long term relationship on. The sex is a bonus. Many people prefer to have a stable and good relationship over having a crazy hot and wild sex life. Because sex is just sex, it's not everything. If you chose to value sex over the relationship then you are going to find yourself in short term flings. Because the sexual tension and excitement usually fades away... The only way to keep the fire alive is to be stimulated by other things in the relationship, finding each other fascinating, interesting, intellectually stimulating, etc. If a person just has a hot body and great sex then... well, you will get bored pretty fast.
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (4 November 2011):
Two months together and you only see each other on the week-ends.... That would be something like 8 dates. So no, you REALLY don't know each other that well. Not well enough to you wanting to make HER official and for HER to want to sleep with you.
All you know is that you think something is missing and that she isn't putting out. Ergo no sex = something is not right.
I think, you need to let this girl go. Obviously she isn't into casual or semi-casual sex and that is what you are looking for?
As for her not wanting anything? Are you high? She spends her week-end with YOU. She wants to be around YOU and get to know YOU. Just because she isn't all over you, doesn't mean she isn't interested or passionate.
Maybe you two just aren't the match you were looking/hoping for.
Talk to her? IF you fancy her physically, have you told her that?
Do you know if she is a virgin? If she had a BF before you?
All I see you bring up is YOUR needs, nothing about how you feel about the two of you...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI like what the female poster said about "lust". My previous relationship was started fast and lustful. It is a great feeling and maybe that is what I am missing. It is my only idea of love, with respect to this area. It could be that I am not used to taking relationships so slowly as most of my other "relationships" (besides my ex) have been ONS's and short flings (maybe one month or two months). I am used to things picking up fastly, but definitely short-lived because my interest wanes. I have been more dedicated to this girl than anyone else ever. I work hard for her, to win her over. My idea of love must be extremely misconstrued by my years in college and previous girlfriend. Can someone share some insight to me and help me see things in a way that, i guess, most people here, see things? A more "conventional" sense of love, as opposed to "lust" love? Help me distinguish between the two. I definitely want a LTR, but my previous LTR was built on lust and passion. I am looking for a change in perspective...
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female
reader, PerhapsNot +, writes (4 November 2011):
 " The sex aside, it feels like something is missing. I mean, it totally could be because of the lack of sex and full embrace of each other. "
You should reflect on that. I think it's pretty easy to figure out if you're missing sex, or if her personality and values are not compatible with yours. You have yet to speak of her outside the sexual realm, so I am assuming it's related to her unwillingness to have sex with you, or maybe you're bothered by the fact that she doesn't share the same sex drive as you. Then again, only you know the answer.
" Although we hang out a lot, it just seems like she doesn't WANT anything. She has no desire or passion for love, as I have felt so strongly with once before with my previous girlfriend....If its there, it should be there to begin with, a passionate desire to be with another person."
What do you mean by "she doesn't want anything"? I think she WANTS to spend time with you. Why else do you think she drives one and a half hours every weekend? She wants to see you, be with you and get to know you. Don't you think that means anything?
Frankly, I am confused as to why you're comparing your situation with the feelings you had for your ex? Why should she have the same strong feelings that YOU had for YOUR ex? It has only been 2 months. Could it be that maybe YOU don't have the same feelings for her that you had for your previous gf?
If you really like this girl and see a relationship with her, why are you loosing interest? You need to figure that out. You also mention that you really like her, not that you love her. Why should she have these strong feelings and open up to you if you only "really like" her? Likewise, how could you have these intense feelings yourself if you're not in love? Once again, I suspect you're talking about feelings of lust.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (4 November 2011):
The OP said: "The sex aside, it feels like something is missing."
THIS is a TOTALLY different statement and issue. THIS is my opinion is the crux of the problem.
I just spent a year in an LDR. We were two hours apart... we just closed the gap and are now living together. At first we did not see each other every weekend, then we started to.
IF you are spending every weekend together and don't feel the connection it may not be the right relationship for you.
I think in this case that it's time for 'THE TALK" UGH. we all hate that but in this case i think that after two months of LDR every weekend, it's time to figure out if it's worth continuing.
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female
reader, chigirl +, writes (4 November 2011):
Only way to find out if she has a passion for sex is to enter a sexual relationship with her. To enter a sexual relationship you must first be in an official relationship, which means you need to talk to her about being exclusive and referring to one another as "girlfriend" and "boyfriend".
It's not harder, talk to her about being exclusive, and save yourself the headache of wondering about things.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHere is some updated information on our relationship thus far. We live a distance apart, about an hour and a half away, but this girl comes over every weekend. We go out to eat, go watch movies, sometimes I take her out at night and we walk around places. Its been about two months now. We are both working throughout the week which makes it difficult to see each other, but I talk to her almost every day and try to come visit her about twice a week and sleep over at her place. We have even gone on trips together to visit my cousin in college and sleep over there. She takes me out to eat, I take her out to eat. I pay, she pays. It feels to be a very mutually dedicated relationship, in my opinion.
However, I still find myself unhappy, feel like something is lacking, maybe its a feeling of passion and love that I want. I can be a very passionate guy and there is no way I would get into a relationship with a girl who I didn't feel the burning passion with. The sex aside, it feels like something is missing. I mean, it totally could be because of the lack of sex and full embrace of each other. I think two months is a good time to warm up to someone, at least comfortable enough to express yourself and be open with your mind and emotions.
Although we hang out a lot, it just seems like she doesn't WANT anything. She has no desire or passion for love, as I have felt so strongly with once before with my previous girlfriend. I know these things take time, but i question whether it is even there. If its there, it should be there to begin with, a passionate desire to be with another person. Everyone has felt that. A STRONG feeling and desire for someone. I had that with her, but I'm questioning whether she has that with me. There is no point for me to be with and wait for someone who doesn't feel that with me. Its not even about the sex anymore, but I just feel myself losing interest, but I don't want to because I really like this girl and could see a relationship with her. What is happening to me?
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (4 November 2011):
Maybe, it would be a lot easier for us all to give you our point of view if you put in the amount of time you have dated this "unofficial" girl. After all, not all girls want to sleep with a guy that they are still unofficial with. It has NOTHING to do with withholding, but with not being sure about the guy and the relationship.
Honestly, I think she is a smart girl. She is still trying to figure out if you are worth it or not. She isn't looking for a FWB or F-buddy, she is looking for a BF.
I think you are trying to find any excuse to to justify your "morals" when it comes to sex.
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female
reader, PerhapsNot +, writes (4 November 2011):
A few dates does not get you sex. I don't know why this concept is so hard for you to understand or accept. It really is that simple, but I am sure the penis has a hard time understanding anything. :)
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (4 November 2011):
You say you've been on a few dates and then you say "after so long"
there are some folks that define a few dates as a casual relationship... if you see this as more than casual and want a more serious relationship with this woman then step up your game and talk to her about it.
If you wish to keep it casual with her perhaps she does not wish to be sexual with her and you should reconsider what you want with her. if you don't want to have a serious relationship with her then by all means sleep with the FWB.
IF you wish a serious relationship with the new girl, perhaps you would be better served by not being sexual with the other woman to prove to this new woman that you are willing to make sacrifices for her and the relationship.
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female
reader, chigirl +, writes (3 November 2011):
You say "after so long why does she not trust me". You need to define what is "so long", because "a few dates" is hardly long. I think you'll find that what you determine as long, she determines as a very short amount of time.
Ask her about it. Ask her what she determines is "long" and how long you and her should date before you become official. Alternatively, after "so long" as yourself why you haven't made it official yet.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI like what some of you guys are saying and it makes sense to me. If a girl kept trying to get into my pants and trying to sleep with me, I would definitely question her motives, especially if it was a girl I saw myself with in the future. Is she just looking for that quick fix for pleasure? Girls want to make sure the guy is appreciating them for who they are not just as a piece of ass. However, there is the alternative perspective, which is that after so long, why is this girl still not trusting me? What if this issue of trust is a constant within our future relationship? Getting into bed with someone shows that you fully trust them and you want them to trust you back. Stereotypically speaking, its a lot more risky for girls than it is for guys, but for the smarter guys, they will ponder these thoughts. Those guys who do want a relationship with fulfilling sex, but question if this girl is even sexually compatible? Maybe she simply DOESN'T LIKE SEX AT ALL!? Now, that doesn't seem so risky if a guy who has been waiting for you for months suddenly turns cold and distant, is NOT because you won't give him sex, but because you wont FULLY give him your trust, love, and passion to build the spiritual connection and bond. This is the problem I have with women who withhold sex. What do you guys think?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2011): I am a female who is in the exact same position as the girl you are dating, and all I can say is, be patient. I don't know that I would feel cheated on if the guy slept with anyone else, because we have not yet made that commitment, but it would make me question whether he really cares. Then again, better that than being pushy at first and then ignoring me and losing interest after I made it clear I wasn't ready, which is what the guy I've been seeing seems to be doing. Is it really such an affront to your manhood if we won't crawl into bed with you after 3 dates, before a relationship has been established. I guess I just don't understand the way men think.
If you really like this girl, just wait a little longer. You have your hand! If it becomes months and she still isn't ready, then maybe you should try discussing it with her, but if a guy tries to get in my pants right away it makes me not trust them and afraid that they only want sex. So if you think this girl is relationship material, just be patient. Trust me, she'll appreciate it. Being pushy is really going to alienate her and make it take longer until she's ready to trust you. If the guy I've been seeing hadn't been so pushy, I'd probably be close to ready by now.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2011): I disagree with some of what Chigirl said. Having a lover on the side while refusing to sleep with potential serious partners is trashy. It's much more unattractive than just being casual about sex and honest about it.
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female
reader, chigirl +, writes (2 November 2011):
You're not in a relationship with her, so she doesn't owe you sex, and even if you were in a relationship that wouldn't guarantee you sex. If you can't commit without a guaranteed amount of sex every so often then you aren't capable of committing. You say you are, but I disagree. You accept cheating. You said people cheat when the needs aren't met, do you truly believe in that? If you end up in a relationship with her you will only stay faithful to her and committed to her for as long as your needs are met? That isn't committing, maybe you've misunderstood what it actually means to commit and be FAITHFUL.
But that aside, sure, you can have sex with as many women as you want while you are still single. But the line goes somewhere. Maybe you should discuss that line with her? Does it go at dating (for many it does), does it go at kissing (thats where I draw my line) or does it go at SEX (appears thats where you draw your line)? Her line may be elsewhere, and to be safe you should discuss that with her first. Because she might find out about you having sex with other girls, and it'll come back and bite you in the ass. I mean would YOU like it if she didn't have sex with you while dating, but was screwing some other guy, calling it ok because you and her aren't in a relationship? You wouldn't think that's ok. And I don't think she'll think it's ok either.
I think dating several people is ok, as long as it's not serious. I also think having a lover on the side is ok, until things get serious (god forbid the person you date find out about it though). But then you need to have the lines of what's serious or not clearly defined. And your date-partner would have to agree, otherwise in their eyes it's cheating (at least a break of trust), no matter if it isn't cheating in your eyes.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2011): If this question was from a guy complaining that his GF had slept with a FWB before they were official, then a lot of these same Agony Aunts would be defending her right to do it.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (1 November 2011):
well Gee there's nothing left for me to say all the other uncles and aunties said it just right.
A FEW DATES does not mean a girl should have sex with you.
SEX does not define a relationship.
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (1 November 2011):
 So you're willing to risk that this girl will learn of your dalliance (She WILL.. believe me) ,,,, in exchange for 11 seconds of orgamic narcissism (the average duration of a male orgasm)....
Soooooo, what's holding you back???? Not a darn thing. But, don't come back here crying and wailing "What can I do???" when you are found out!!!!!
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (1 November 2011):
Well, let me put it like this, IF the girl you are dating now ( the celibate one) hears about you having meaningless sex with some FWB, WHILE you and "celibate girl" were "dating"... I'd be willing to bet you she will dump you for cheating.
If you want a relationship with the girl (celibate girl) you don't screw around. Even if you haven't DTR (defined the relationship)
If sex is that important to you. The "celibate girl" isn't important at all. Then stay single and screw whom you want, whenever you want.
Sex is important, but there also needs to be a bit of trust and knowing your partner before jumping into bed, specially if she is a virgin or just a smart girl. And you say you have only been on a few dates.. I'd say dump the "celibate girl" and let her meet some guy who can respect her and her choices.
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female
reader, PerhapsNot +, writes (1 November 2011):
Let's look at your list of excuses, shall we?1. To me, I don't feel like I am cheating on this new girl because I have not slept with her yet and we are unofficial, still JUST DATING.You've been on a couple of dates. What does that mean exactly - 2,3,10? Regardless of the number, why would she have sex with you if you're JUST DATING? Unlike you, a lot of women require a bond and a certain level of TRUST when they jump in bed with someone. Trust isn't gained by going on a few dates, period.Why don't you ask her if she feels the same; you know that you're JUST DATING? And while you're at it, let her know you'd like to have sex with other women until she decides to accept your "passionate pleasures". Since you're JUST DATING, it shouldn't be a problem, right? 2. For now, her own reluctance and withdrawal compels me to do this.Let's call this statement what it is - BS. No one except your own horniness is causing this. This just shows that your own sexual needs are the top priority in your dating life. At the core you're immature and not ready for a serious committed relationship. If you truly cared or were interested in this girl, you would wait a few more weeks or months to get your freak on. But to you, it's too much of a burden and a sacrifice.3. The only reason a partner would seek another person outside the relationship is if there is something lacking, and for me, sex is important, and is currently lacking.Why would you say something like this if you're "JUST DATING"? The fact is you know what you're planning on doing in a breach of trust and commitment, whether you're in an official or unofficial relationship. I'm sure you wouldn't like it if she was dating or sleeping with other men because you're not OFFICIAL. You know it's wrong or else you wouldn't be here asking us for advice. This is my advice to you: understand what you want. If your primary needs and wants are rooted in sex, stick to casual sex until you grow up. There is nothing wrong with not wanting serious relationships. What is wrong, however, is to give the other person the impression that you're exclusive or wanting a relationship when in reality you're mainly after sex.
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (1 November 2011):
 Personally I don't think it is the smartest of ideas. At the end of the day yes I agree sex is a big part of a relationship, but you should be showing this girl respect by proven to her that you can wait until she is ready without going looking for sex with another girl. Put it this way how would you feel if this girl you are dating went out and had sex with a friend of hers? It is your choice, but if she finds out about it you might actually lose her so it is up to you what is more important.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2011): Try to see it from her point of view, maybe she has a rule that she only has sex when in a monogamous relationship, and maybe she sees things going somewhere with you so she wants to wait. Sex is obviously important for her too, otherwise she would be just dishing it out, right?!
I think if you're not that into her, and you can't see yourself having a relationship with this girl then, take your friend up on the offer, but don't string the other girl along, let her down gently.
If you do see a relationship, with her, then its just a case of winning over her trust, make her aware of the fact you want a relationship eventually, and respect that she wants to wait. Thats if you're into her of course.
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male
reader, Htsn47 +, writes (1 November 2011):
 If you think you are going to be in a relationship with the new girl, then no, you shouldn't do this. It will be seen as cheating. You think it is cheating too or you wouldn't be trying to justify to yourself. It seems pretty clear that you already know it is wrong...
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male
reader, doublejack +, writes (1 November 2011):
Sorry, but your logic "the only reason a partner would seek another person outside the relationship is if there is something lacking" is EXACTLY how cheaters justify their actions 99.999% of the time. Simply put, it is bogus logic. The right way to conduct oneself is to communicate with your partner that something is lacking in the relationship. How can they know it isn't working out for you if you don't say anything? If things don't get better after that, then the next step is to break up / move on. Going outside of the relationship is never a good choice.That said, you're in a definite gray area here. Things like exclusivity generally have to be agreed to, and cannot just be assumed. That's just how dating works in this day and age. So, if you haven't had "the talk" with the girl you're dating then I'd say, sure you can technically hook up with anyone else you so desire. By the same logic, she can date other guys or sleep with them, and you can't hold it against her either. If there's no agreement it goes both ways.Be aware, however, that if it gets back to her that you slept with someone while dating her, this girl may end things with you. If she's the type that prefers to wait a while before getting intimate then she will very likely not be OK with you doing something like that. Also consider that she may ask you if you had sex with anyone while seeing her. Are you prepared to tell the truth, or would you lie about it? Would you avoid the question? That may raise a red flag wit her.So, while it may technically not be cheating, there probably is some risk involved. What you ultimately decide to do is completely up to you. My question to you is - do you require sex so badly that you're willing to risk a new relationship rather than wait for her to be ready?Best of luck!
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female
reader, Kirstyteenauntireland +, writes (1 November 2011):
 NO! Make it official with the girl first then maybe when she sees that there IS COMMITMENT she will give herself to you. I,m in the same boat as your girl I,m with a guy but we're not official but it still hurts knowing that they did this to you and if you didn't tell her and she found out it would make it worse!
How would you feell if it was done to you? Imagine right like lets say you were out clubbing and your UNOFFICIAL girl was there and you didnt know she was there. How would you feel if you seen her making out with some guy? It HURTS!
Think about it
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2011): If you are definitely "just dating" and if you have never told your new date (the celibate one) that you weren't seeing any other people, then go ahead and bone your old FWB.
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