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Threesome gone wrong!!! He's always told me he could never be with another women, yet when given the chance he chooses her over me!

Tagged as: Marriage problems, Sex, Three is a crowd<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (23 April 2008) 17 Answers - (Newest, 13 January 2011)
A female United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

Hello,

I have a major problem with sleeping all of a sudden due to something that my husband and I did in the past, about a year ago. My husband has always wanted a threesome with another girl, and being sexually open, I thought , what the heck, as long as I agree on the girl and she is up for this also, I will agree. well, we had a couple of drinks, and before I knew it, my husband was coming up to me asking if it would be okay with me, that it ws okay with her, hesitantly I agreed.

When we got into the bedroom, he decided to go for her first, after making her orgasm, he went for me, but then started going limp, and making me raw, so I asked him to stop, and turned my back on him and her showinf that I was not comfortable with this, seeing how he went limp on me.

So, he took that as a go for her again! So, he proceeded to have sex with her over and over again, with her moaning and me laying there not being into it. After he was finally done with her, and we get ready for bed, he lets her sleep in our bed and then first sleeps in the middle of us, then gets up and uses the restroom, then gets on her side, leavinf her in the middle of us!! I wake up, and use hte restroom, get up with the kids to make breakfast, and he is still in there cuddling with her, and laughing and joking around.

I am pissed by now, after walking in on them looking like they are messing with each other a little, and then yell for him to come help me in the kitchen. Of coarse i bitch at him, and ask him what the hell happened with last night, the one night that I put him in charge of running everything, since i am usually the one who keeps things in order in the hose, the primary diciplinarian, etc. I leave this one night to him, since it is his fanatasy, and he blows it. Needless to say the worst is that he is gone until oct, being military, I am pregnant with our fourth and alst child together, and I just cannot seem to get this out of my head, the way he ignored my slient request to end it. he always told me that he can't sleep if i am not in bed with him, so even when we are mad, we tlak it out by bedtime and go together, we hardly ever sleep on the couch if we are mad at one another.

He has always told me that he could never be with another women, yet when given the chance he completely chose her over me. we have been married almost 7 years, and have had a little bit of a rough marriage, but still have always worked out everything.

I don't know what to do, this is eating me up, I need these questions answered, that he has always shyed away from. how can I trust what he says to me now, when after trying to do something nice for him, he hurts me more than I have ever been hurt before? L in Wa.

View related questions: limp, military, orgasm, shy, threesome

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A female reader, Judyth Canada +, writes (13 January 2011):

Hi. To start off, it would have been ideal to establish rules. You should confront him on your feelings. Communication is important. Ask him how he would feel if he was in your shoes, but do not do pay back..will back fire. Just be up front. If I was you in that situation, I would have dragged her out and toss her clothes with her on the front lawn and sit down with my man and tell him my feelings. Or would have rolled over her and slept between. I hope everything gets better for you. In order to solve anything, TELL him your feelings.

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A male reader, Wysiwyg United States +, writes (13 July 2010):

Threesomes are dangerous... I had one last night that has probably ended my marriage. I am really mad about this. I am not a prude and I've had threesomes in the past, several, years before I was married. In fact I lived with two bi women for several months in the mid- eighties. I have not had this type of situation since getting married and I wasn't looking or requesting this last night. My wife and I went out with a close friend of hers who has been feeling down. The two of them got a bit drunk and I made sure to have only one drink the whole night as I was driving and taking care of them. We went back to our place to eat and my wife got very horny. She's never liked girls before so I was very surprised when she strayed flirting and grabbing her friends breasts and ass. They have been friends forever and never done anything like this. When her friend went into the bathroom my wife attacked me, and I was quite aroused. We had a quickie and both my wife and I climaxed. I thought ok, that's it, even though I was still quite excited. Her friend lies down on the bed and is just about out, I don't know if she heard us. My wife is in the middle and I'm on the other side next to my wife. Next thing I know they are touching each other, my wife is naked, and they are intimately involved. Knowing they are both intoxicated I ask them if they are sure they want to do this...they continue so I enjoy the show. Then my wife starts telling her she needs a good man to make her feel good and how I am very good at giving oral sex and intercourse. Ok, so I'm quite excited but I start having some alarm bells in the big head telling me maybe this isn't such a good idea. I wish I had listened and backed off instead of thinking with the small head. I did say several times, " are you sure about this, I'm not sure how everyone is going to feel about this in the morning, etc." My wife says go ahead make her feel good, she deserves it, and her friend is moaning she wants this too. By this time I'm starting to feel like a kill joy, so against my better judgement I go for it. All three of us start off having a wonderful time, my wife and I both pay her a lot of attention, then I go down on her. I want to live up to my wife's expectations so I really do the best I know how and give her friend a lot of oral attention until she is squirming all over with a big orgasm. My wife then tells me to penetrate her and really make her feel great because she deserves to feel good, etc. Again I hesitate...I know my wife has both an adventurous streak and a jealous streak at times. So one more I ask, are you sure, maybe this isn't a good idea. In the back of my mind I know there is a big risk this will backfire. My wife assures me everything is ok, she doesn't mind, she wants to share me with her friend, and she wants her friend to feel good. So I give in to the temptation and do exactly as my wife requests. I pay her friend a lot of attention, I don't feel a need to orgasm with her and figure I'll save that for my wife after her friend is satisfied. I guess I did a good job because her friend goes bonkers and I spend a lot of time with her keeping her at the edge then over the brink. Then it happens, my wife sits up and gets this look on her face and calmly tells me she is leaving me in the morning because she can't believe I actually did this. WTF??? I get off tell her friend thanks but this is over and then take a shower thinking my wife will calm down or go to sleep. When I get out her friend is asleep and my wife is sitting outside on the patio. I go to talk to her. She tells me she is leaving and that this was a test. I'm furious but I manage to calmly tell her that this is one of the most cynical and mean behaviors I've ever seen. She lied to me, she initiated it, and she was persistent. I actually did this for my wife, yes, I enjoyed it but honestly I had misgivings, expressed them, didn't particularly find her friend that attractive, and only did this because my wife coaxed me into it. And I'm pretty mad at myself for being stupid enough to get trapped into this situation. Obviously my wife doesn't have the maturity to handle what she started. I left the house so I could calm down. When I got back a couple of hours later my wife was sleeping and had already packed up a couple boxes. Her friend woke up and asked for a ride home. On my way there her friend apologizes and tells me she heard what my wife said and said she will call her later, that they were just drunk, etc. She was acting pretty good about everything considering but then starts crying about her boyfriend and the bad relationship they have. What a mess...it seems my wife that this would help her friend? A lot of stupid drama and I feel dumb, I have a lot more experience, am 6 years older than my wife, and should have known better. I think my wife panicked at being with another girl and in sharing me. Now instead of taking the responsibility she wants to project her guilt, shame, or what have you onto me by telling me she didn't think I'd do that, that I'm not the man she thought I was, and that I clearly had fun, etc. How dysfunctional is this? Well, it's a shame because Up until this I've never been happier in a relationship, and I did put everything into it. I gave her respect, trust, and love, but I feel absolutely sucker punched. If she does decide to leave I'm going to calmly let it happen and help her out. I really have nothing to say except what a waste. Unless you are positive that your SO is fully mature enough to handle a threesome, even if initiated by her, and you've talked it out in advance, with a stop code word, etc. Then my advice is don't bother. It is a relationship killer. A 3some is best when you are not in a committed relationship and you are not emotionally invested in either participant and everyone has a psyche strong enough to handle it. And lastly, if your big head is giving you a warning, listen to it and don't proceed. Easier said than done though. Best of luck to all of you involved in similar situations.

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A female reader, Lucy101 United Kingdom +, writes (15 February 2010):

Very similar situation to mine. My partner bugged me for ages to have a threesome with another woman. It finally happened unexpectedly on a drunken night out, she came back to his flat with us.

At first she paid quite a bit more attention to me but I wasn't really into her, I wanted attention from my partner but he was more interested in her. He couldn't get an errection to penetrate her so instead of turning his attention to me he just kept on with the other woman. At this point I felt it was no longer a threesome, more a twosome with me watching. I said to my partner that I didnt see the need for doing this as we have the most amazing sex and that I thought we should stop, get dressed and call the girl a taxi. He said ok and that he would do that. I stayed in the bedroom while he took the woman into the living room to call a cab. I must have dozed off, when I woke I went into the living room and found my partner with his head buried between her legs.

I totally flipped but what made me so angry was the fact that she found it amusing. I was so humiliated, I demanded she leave that minute, which she did. I cant get the image of the two of them out of my head, I dont know what to do. This was three months ago and I think it has destroyed our relationship because I cant forget about it. My partner wont talk about it and when I try and bring it up he gets defensive. I cant believe I was so stupid to agree to this taking place and that my partner would behave in such a way. Its broke my heart and completely destroyed my trust in him.

Threesomes are very dangerous in a committed relationship.

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A female reader, Dajana United States +, writes (4 November 2008):

Obviously, this was his fantasy and not yours. You must really love him - I mean, in order to please this type of dysfunctional fantasy. I say, dysfunctional because you are married with children (who happen to be in the house at the time) - He really must think that he's the cat's pajamas NOW!

If it bothers you that much (which it sounds like it does) - you should seek counselling. I do hope it works out for you. Sometimes, people make irrational decisions out of being desperate to spice a dying romance. Though, this is a tough one. Somehow, you are going to have to forgive yourself and your husband because, you both made this decision as adults.

I do hope it all works out for you and your family!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2008):

Last night i had a threesome. I could not take it so i stopped it before he got to her. Me and her were drunk he was sober. It is something we almost did in the past with the same girl and were interupted. I told him i did not like seeing him with her and did not want to do it again the first time. I am not blaming my intoxication for letting it go as far as it did but it still hurt. It huts alot. Mostly because of things that were said after. I just wanted to thank some of the people on here for the post. Forgiving is harder than it sounds i have been crying on and off all day. But i am sure our relationship will survive because we have talked and talked all day. I belive i am ready to forget now. I have had sex in the past with females so it is not an issue of being bi, just that i cant handle seeing someone i love so much with anyone else.

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A male reader, oldfool Australia +, writes (30 April 2008):

oldfool agony auntI've never been in a threesome.

But I think it's true to say that a fresh sexual interest is always more exciting for a man than an old one. That's just biology. Men who stay with the same partner for many years have to find ways of keeping it spiced up. Men who, through a lifestyle choice or for other reasons, manage to have a constant supply of fresh partners don't seem to have this problem.

You gave your man take this opportunity and he enjoyed it. Presumably he figured that this might be the only opportunity he would get so he made the most of it.

However, I definitely think he was insensitive. If it's a threesome, it's a threesome. That means that all three should participate equally. Just because you've got the opportunity to try a fresh partner doesn't mean you can leave someone out in the cold, especially not your wife!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2008):

Your problem is that you forgot that we men are not that bright and we are horrible at reading what women are thinking. So legally you can't be mad at your husband because you did not tell him what you are thinking. You said that you had enough. How was he supposed to know that he wasn't supposed to go back to her. In my case with my wife and we did a threesome and the other woman could have an orgasm; unfortunately I'd probably forget about my wife since I would be in shock. Remember we man don't always think with the brain between our ears.

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A female reader, louweez23 United Kingdom +, writes (23 April 2008):

louweez23 agony auntHun that must ahve been horrible for you. My husband cheated on me and I am haunted by images of him sleeping with this other woman and I didn't even have it happen in front of me.

However, you are going to have to be an adult about this. You gave him permission to do this. You may have changed your mind half way through but it does not alter the fact that you gave him permission. It is hardly fair to balme him now.

Acknowledge how hurt you are and give yourself permission to cry. Tell him how hurt you are too, but not in a way that is going to guilt trip him. Tell him you made a mistake and thought it was going to be fun but you were wrong and you felt terribly jealous and hurt.

If you love your husband which you undoubtedly do do not let this resentment eat you up or you will destroy your marriage. Forgive him, never mention this again (after you've told him how hurt you are) and never never invite another person into your marriage again.

If you want to spice up your bedroom life get some toys.

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A female reader, Cherriepie United States +, writes (23 April 2008):

Cherriepie agony auntHunny , Im sorry this didnt work out for you but I can tell you striaght out that the reason this threesome didnt work out for you is because You are not BI and were not into this girl. If you were, you and your husband would have shared equal time with her and you wouldnt be so offended with her being in beteen you and he. When I have had threesomes with my boyfriend the girl always sleeps in between (if we get to sleep).

The other thing is this..threesomes never work if the wife or girlfriend doesnt initiate it. You didnt want to do this in the first place. I say this to you and any girl out there...if you dont feel comfortable about doing it...dont do it! And if you do..yes you should touch the girl at least and not be offended that shes is between you. I can tell you this as well..my by friend has to fight with me for equal time with our third party!

I have never had problems with threesomes Ive had because I was always willing to be in it..and I will back away from a bad situtation if I dont feel comfortable with it.

You have to work things out with your husband and never get into threesomes anymmore..it just doesnt work for you, and you dont have to be ashamed of that either. That is the way you are, be happy with it. In the future you can make your husband happy without bringing in another girl.

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A female reader, Laura1318 Malaysia +, writes (23 April 2008):

Laura1318 agony auntIt was a once in a lifetime and it happened.

You should forgive him for what happened.

You should not blame him entirely.

You gave him a new toy , definitely he would like to play with the new toy more than the old one.

Don't be too self critical of yourself.

Best is to forget it and think of it like a bad dream and move on.

Harping on it will not solve your problem , it will be like a cancer and destroy you.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2008):

First he can't read your mind. Giving signals can only be seen by bird watchers who have binoculars.

I think you over-reacted. It seems you both were the host, and he was just trying to be nice to the guest, which he was a few times it sounds like.

Lucky him that he has a wife that would go for a threesome, and also find a women for the occasion.

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A male reader, pyan Australia +, writes (23 April 2008):

Hi

like the others have said threesomes are dangerous and must be thought out in great detail if you do them. what you said was the same as what happened to us many years ago. the same happend i spent most of the night with the other women and only once with my wife.

we didn't speak for ages and it took a great deal of time to sort out. we put it down to lust and sex only why i did it and i expect its the same for your husband.

talk to him and find out his thoughts. message if you want to know what we did. but start talking and its somthing you both did and need to sort out

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2008):

There was a girl my husband and I regularly had threesomes with. In my case it was me who wanted the threesome more than him, he actually wanted nothing to do with it. But the first or second time we did it, I felt as though he may have been more into her or was he paying her more attention or is he more interested in her and all these things. I guess for the man it is difficult to divide yourself equally in a situation like that. Anyway I told him how I felt and I got the reassurance I needed and we carried on. Things were fine in the end - and because it was also the same girl there was more of a connection and it turned into me even being more so turned on by seeing him with her than feeling insecure and threatened.

But threesomes are hard. In your case you didnt really want it as much so that is where a problem is immediately going to start, secondly I am not sure if you are bi. When I had threesomes the girl paid me more attention than him to be honest so that was ok. If you are to have a threesome it is a very big decision and at times could even destroy the strongest of relationships, but I think alot of people get caught up in the fantasy and then suffer later. So now you are suffering....chances are that you will keep on replaying those images in your mind and go between feeling hurt and angry and insecure. So what do you do now? I think you need to ask yourself if you can get over this. You have clearly spoken and argued even with each other about this and unless something is done it will just continue. Have you thought about counselling? Or even do a google to find advise on threesomes as sometimes there are stuff written on how to deal with the jealousies etc. I mean he is still there with you and still trying to work things out (even if not the way you may want) so that should at least count for something

Good luck

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A male reader, Andrew83 United Kingdom +, writes (23 April 2008):

Andrew83 agony auntAll your able to do is sit him down, put the light in his face so to speak and talk about it all one on one soon as he gets back.

Let him know that you took a chance for him to have a 3 some for one nite and you feel down right upset about the way it ended up becomin.

Sorry if it doesnt help as much but hope for the best of out comes for you

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A female reader, hlskitten United Kingdom +, writes (23 April 2008):

hlskitten agony auntHi

Threesoms are dangerous. Simple as that. They rarely work out.

He has been with the same peron 6 odd years and someone new is on a plate, of course he is going to make a meal of it!

Not a lot anyone can say really, it must be hard if you spend a lot of time apart. Because you need a lot of reassurance from him now obviously.

Alarm bells would ring to me if a guy i was with wanted to sleep with someone else on any level.

C xxxx

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A female reader, TELLULAH United Kingdom +, writes (23 April 2008):

TELLULAH agony auntI do feel sorry for you, but I'm afraid that when you play with fire, you get your finger's burnt. You say you wanted to do something nice for him, to most women that would have meant making a nice dinner. I also found it quite shocking that you did this with your children in the house, what's that all about?

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2008):

I feel for you, but I do not have any advice to offer you.

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