A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello - My husband and I have been married for 8 years. We have talked about an open relationship and I thought this was a good idea. I had sex with another man a couple of months ago. It was only one time and it truly was just sex. It was quick, during the day at a hotel with no strings attached. My husband was fine with it. I kept no secrets from him. The man I slept with is also married and not emotionally available.Now my husband has met up with an old friend who he would like to have sex with. They have been planning for a few weeks now and trying to coordinate their schedules. They are planning to spend the night together in a hotel with a lazy morning and breakfast. This woman is a single mom who admitted to my husband that all the good men are married. She knows he is married. She texts him during the evening while he is home with me and our two kids. I am sharing these details not to be critical of her but just so all of you readers have an idea of how this is playing out.I feel like a hypocrit but this is not sitting well with me. I think I may be okay if he would just sleep with her and come home after but all this planning and breakfast together just does not feel right with me.I feel guilty about what I have done (slept with another man) but only because my husband hasn't been with anyone. I feel as though I am not keeping up with my side of the bargain.I would really like to hear what people think. Please no critism on what has already been done. It is what it is!Thank you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2011): Unfortunately, in this world you can not escape your past KARMAs. I may sound hard and harsh, but the fact remains and no one can contradicts that your problems will not be solved easily and in near future, till every one involved has paid for his or her Karmas. only suggestion i give is that if some how your husband gets some spirituality and do not get in to sex with lady that he wants to have sex. it will further mess up life of that lady ( her kids ) and your husband ( after sex session is over ) and your family. Your guilt will continue and you will need to seek forgiveness till you get it. that is only best case scenario i foresee.
(INCREASED SEXUALIZATION HAS NEVER BEEN SOLUTION TO HUMANS, HUMANS NEED TO STOP BEING CASUAL ABOUT IT)
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2011): Open relationships are fine as long as both people want to be in one. There are many loving, devoted couples who practice this. On the other hand, there is nothing whatsoever wrong with NOT wanting to be in an open relationship, and sometimes you don't figure out whether you like something or not until you've tried it.It sounds like you are having serious second thoughts - I'd suggest that you both speak to a couples counselor about this, especially if you haven't talked with your husband about your doubts. If he truly is interested in her and she is interested in him, then it will wait until things are cleared up between you and your husband.I say this not because open relationships are a "bad" thing, but because you must have very clear communication and boundaries for it to work. Try to find a counselor that is experienced in non-monogamy or alternate relationship styles. Having a counselor that is immediately judgmental about having an open relationship is no help at all.Most of all, *talk* with your husband about this. Tell him how you feel. If you think it would be better, tell him that you aren't telling him what to do, but you do need to talk to him about how you feel.Tell him that you are feeling like a hypocrite and that you'd like to work through this *with* him. Depending on your relationship you will need to take care so that he doesn't get the impression that "You got yours" and now you wish to deny him.Good luck. While your question is not polyamory-related, many poly-friendly professionals deal with many different types of relationship styles and may be able to help you. Take a look at:http://www.polychromatic.com/pfp//main.php?groupid[]=5
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (23 September 2011):
 It sounds like you two haven't really reached a mutual understanding of or agreement to the 'rules' of your 'open marriage.' I think the success of such an arrangement depends heavily on a perfect understanding of each other's limits and boundaries.
Time to go back to setting up the rules. More talking, more communication is needed.
Perhaps your husband isn't as 'okay' with the sex you had with another man and has found, subconsciously, a way to make you extremely uncomfortable and unhappy with him. Food for thought and fodder for the discussion you and he need to have.
For what it's worth, I think open relationships are a disaster waiting to happen. It takes massive amounts of communication, no ego problems and complete trust in one another. It doesn't sound like you have all the pieces.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (23 September 2011):
This will destroy your marriage unless you both put a stop to this. Now.
You thought an open relationship would be good. He thought it. You then has sex with someone, and you think you're feeling guilty just because your husband hasn't had the chance. I'm not sure that's true. I also think you're feeling guilty because you know deep down that this won't work out for either of you. So you're already feeling bad.
And now, you have another problem. You had sex with a man, no strings in a hotel. That man was married. Nothing has happened since. There was no emotional connection.
Your husband, on the other hand, has conveniently found an old friend. So he knows her and there is a connection. She's also single (therefore available), and a mother (perhaps in his eyes needs rescuing). It's also become hugely clear that this friend has spied a serious opportunity to get your husband. She has already played to his ego by saying all the best men are married (meaning him). She is texting him in the evening (your fling didn't do that).
I'll tell you straight - she is out to get him from you. And I'll also tell you that your husband is looking for more than just sex, hence why he picked an old friend. This will turn into an affair very quickly, it will then turn into him leaving you for her.
And all because of an open relationship. That's why most don't work.
Don't even bother trying to set guidelines now. It's too late. Instead, stop this before it gets worse and he leaves you. It's absolutely inevitable that he will leave you for her if you don't stop it now.
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A
male
reader, aresu  +, writes (23 September 2011):
 open relationships are always a bad idea if you want commitment, and that is because open relationship means no relationship.because if you think about it, is no different than having friends with benefits, and someone will always, always will want to be exclusive, because if you have feelings for them, you dont need anyone else to make you feel better, and in this kinds of relationship is very easy to get feelings for other people, then what?, maybe he will someday tell you that he fell in love with another woman and that he would want to be exclusive to her, effectively dumping you.or maybe, like you someone will never accept completely this, like you are right now, you are already jealous, and is prefectly understandable, and you already figured that this isnt for you.and as i was saying, an open relationship means that there is no relationship, all the point of beign in a relationship is to be exclusive to each other while they get to form a solid trust and a very healthy familiarity.so i think that you both should talk about it, and reconsider if this is what you both want.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (23 September 2011):
 my marriage was open. OPEN killed my marriage. I had it open because my husband had no self-esteem and needed the attention of other women.
When I found a man, my husband could not bear it. My being with someone else killed him but every time he wanted to tell me to stop he realized that he would have to stop his girlfriends. He didn't make me stop but he couldn't bear it and he left. I did not stop him.
Our rules were always that you had to come home to sleep. NO OVERNIGHTS... that whole lazy morning in bed thing... too romantic for my taste for a non-life partner.
I also never felt comfortable with him having single friends. Married women were fine... or women that KNEW their place in the lifestyle which was "he's married and I respect his wife and marriage" Single women wanting to pretend they were dating.... etc. NO that did not work for me at all.
So you need to tell him... just sex NO ROMANCE....
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (23 September 2011):
 Having an open relationship like the one you are in, should mean that there is an open dialog about what is going on. Not only are you playing Russian roulette with your physical selves, but also your emotional selves, which will ultimately jeopardize your marriage unless all things are out in the open.
It definitely sounds like your husband is making emotional connections with another woman (and it definitely sounds like this woman is smitten with your husband). Your one episode was simply for the physical side and from the sounds of it, wasn't too particularly exciting for you, so he is getting a little bit better bargain.
Despite you'd be playing the role of a hypocrite, I do think you need to talk to your husband and express your concerns about the emotional bond that this woman is forging with him. Whether he decides to go forward with this, is up to him, but for you to sit silently by will eventually lead to anger and resentment.
Express that you love him and don't want to lose him, as this woman is clearly crossing the rules that you thought you were playing by. Also explain to him now that you've seen what sort of a game you are playing with your marriage, that you don't think you can emotionally handle the turmoil and angst it brings. Perhaps you can work out some sort of middle ground that is acceptable for both of you.
Best wishes
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2011): It's easy to think that you'd be okay in a given situation, and then the situation arises, and your completely uncomfortable. In my expeirence on dearcupid, It's never a good idea to invite others into a marriage. You feel there may be more of an emotional connection, rather than 'just sex'. You need to talk to your husband and tell him how you feel, he may also need to tell this lady friend of his that he has no intention of leaving you, but that you both have an open relationship, so that she doesn't get lead on and the emotional part can stop. But so far...it seems like that's already happening. Find out how your husband feels, and what's going on in his mind.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (23 September 2011):
 You two need to sit down and redefine this. Open relationship does not mean free for all. You should be setting guidelines about what is and isn't acceptable. It's time to really have a talk about what you both expect of the other and what you both are comfortable with. This is an issue of communication.
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