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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: Hi. Iv been living with my boyfriend for 2 years.he is an alcoholic.he said he will never give uo drinking. Drinking is more important than me. He has met my family but doesnt want anything to actually do with them. saying they are lovely etc but hes not used to being in that environment.he doesnt like celebrating birthdays. He doesnt like being asked a million questions and bombarded or swarmed. He has anxiety. I told him if he cant get to know my family it will never work between us. He has never made an effort since that one time. But has got to know other womens family. He said he never wants kids and never wants to get married. But when i first started dating him he was saying he will marry me one day. And who knows what happens,if we have a child we have one. Now is acting totally different. We never have sex anymore. Maybe once every 2-3 months. His drinking effects his performance and i hsve never had orgasm only from oral sex and that doesnt happen anymore either. All intamacy has stopped. He barely touches me anymore. Most times he just sits infront of the tv ,drinking a ctn beers every night and if i say sonething he will tell me to sush or say talk to much wben he just wants to unwind from work. Im so sad in our relationship.i used to try to fix us but it turned him more away. Should i just give up.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2019): Forgive the typo!
"Most implicitly...YES! You should give-up and move on."
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2019): "Hi. Iv been living with my boyfriend for 2 years.he is an alcoholic.he said he will never give uo drinking."
"Drinking is more important than me. He has met my family but doesn't want anything to actually do with them. saying they are lovely etc but hes not used to being in that environment."
In this case, one of my long and profound answers isn't necessary. I think you've answered your own question.
Unless you are valued and appreciated in a relationship; and that love and appreciation extends to those you love and hold dear...what is there to hold-on to?
Prepare an exit-plan, and get your life in order. Most implicitly...TES! You should give-up and move on.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (13 November 2019):
 Well, yes ; what else ? that's the only choice you have. He said he never wants to stop drinking ! It still would not be a walk in the park, if he had said " I want to stop but it's going to be hard " , or " I realize I should stop but I can't get started " or something similar indicating that he acknowledges he has a problem. Even so, you'd probably have to go through hell if you chose to stick with him. But in this way, with him not even accepting that drinking is a problem , in his life and in your relationship… his attitude reminds me what Keith Richards used to say : " Let me clear about this. I don't have a drug problem. I have a police problem ". But Keith Richards could afford to take this attitude, with his millions of dollars and his uncannily good genes...
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female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (13 November 2019):
 What else can you do?
He is NOT going to change, he even said so. He want to slowly drink himself to death and do you honestly WANT to watch that?
You can't MAKE him get help, you can't MAKE him stop drinking and you can't MAKE him start to care.
HE has given up on a future, why should YOU do the same?
Yes, it's time for you to let him go and LIVE life.
Don't waste any more on your time here, you CAN'T change him. If he is to EVER stop drinking it has to be HIS choice and HE has to make the effort to stop drinking and get healthy.
I get that you feel empathy for him and that it sucks to accept that ALL the dreams of marriage and kids, IS NOT going to happen with THIS guy.
And last of all would you WISH a father like that on a child?
"Though it's not clear how much alcohol can make a difference, there seems to be an association between the risk of fetal alcohol syndrome and father's consumption of alcohol."
According to studies. *Metro.UK*
Pack your stuff, move out, and FIND yourself a who wants the same things in life, who wants to be healthy and happy WITH you.
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A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (13 November 2019):
 Yes definitely! Give up on this relationship immediately, you’re wasting your time, banging your head against a brick wall!
You can do better and you know it or else you wouldn’t be here asking. You aren’t this guys therapist or carer and if he’s flat out refusing to change then what can YOU do? Nothing. Let the guy go down his own path no matter how self destructive. This is a waste of time for both parties.
Move on and find someone you can actually enjoy life with, best of luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2019): Yes of course you should give up. This relationship is a dead end and your needs and feelings are completely irrelevant in it. You deserve so much better.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek + ♥, writes (13 November 2019):
 You should not give up on yourself or the pursuit for happiness but you cannot help or fix your boyfriend. He has to want to do that himself.
It is alarming that he said he will never give up drinking. Take him at his word. I say this kindness not being cold and callous and the reason I say that is because I was married to an alcoholic and those were his words more or less to me. He said "I don't have a problem with drinking YOU have a problem with me drinking." He wasn't an alcoholic when we married (I don't even drink and I made it clear I didn't want to be around one after growing up with an alcoholic grandfather and my best friend being killed by a drunker driver) but he started drinking after his father died and never stopped. He refused help, would not go to rehab, lost his job, his car, his house, and of course eventually me and his kids. He didn't care. He drank until the day he died at 52. NOTHING in the world mattered to him but drinking. NOTHING.
You can't help those that don't want help sweetie. You will resigning yourself to a very sad (and lonely) fate if you stay with this man UNLESS he wants to change. AGAIN...HE has to want to change. My ex didn't and it killed him.
Get away from him, do what you need to do and begin living your life. You can't save those that don't want saved.
I wish you all the best sweetie. I have been there. Living with an alcoholic is hell at best. You deserve better. Please take care of yourself.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (13 November 2019):
 YOU cannot "fix" him. He needs to WANT help, which he doesn't at present. I have often heard it said that addicts - because that is what he is - usually need to hit rock bottom before they start to fight back. That could take years. Indeed, it may never even happen. He may just decide to sink deeper and deeper into his addiction.
When your boyfriend tells you he has no intention of giving up alcohol, you need to listen. He means it. Marriage was only on the table when he was trying to reel you in. Now that is no longer available either. As for having children with this man, why would you want to? PLEASE use reliable contraception because bringing a child into this sad situation would be very reckless and would leave you in an even worse position than you are now.
I have to ask why you moved in with someone who you knew was an alcoholic. Are you able to get a place of your own and move out? Can you move in with friends or family?
This is your future for as long as you allow it to be. Until he reaches a stage where he wants to ask for help, he will always prioritize alcohol over most other things, including your relationship. Is this all you think you are worth or do you, like me, think you are worth better?
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (13 November 2019):
 You have two choices, give up or be proactive.
Giving up is pretty much just letting the current situation continue … giving up would be giving up all chances of the life you appear to be wanting, a partner that cares about you, and is prepared to be involved in your family, staying would also mean giving up on your dreams of marriage and family, giving up means not having a partner who is interested in talking to you about the things that matter to both, staying means giving up on a satisfying sex life, giving up means accepting you are never going to be ranked higher on his list of priorities than his carton of beer.
Giving up means being sad for the rest of your life.
C'mon, don't give up, be proactive! Are you working? Start putting your money aside so that you will be financially okay when you move out. Being proactive means not accepting this sad and sorry state as your lot in life. If you cant move out yet (for whatever reason), confide in friends and family. Stash away every spare penny where he cant find it, get your own bank account. Stop buying him food, and toilet paper. Lock yours in a suitcase if you have too. Live YOUR life, its the only one you are ever going to get, and when you have saved enough to move then put on your skates and get out of there. If you are not working go find a job, see if you can move back home while you get back on your feet. Just put a GETTING OUT PLAN in place and get the heck out of there!
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