A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been "best friends" with a woman for over 25 years. I started to notice when the bill came at dinner, or anywhere we were, she'll begin to complain about how broke she is and I'd end up either paying the entire bill or some of her food/drinks. She would also sometimes complain about being broke before we have even cemented our plans together (meaning during a phone conversation), and I would say "oh don't worry about it I pay for you." I will never offer to pay for anything for her again. After it dawned on me I was being manipulated with her "woe is me" attitude, I began saying, "oh okay, just let me know when you have the money and we'll will get together then."After that I paid closer attention to her and realize she doesn't even listen when I am speaking, she'll completely tune me out and focus on her phone. I can feel it even when we are on the phone. I have simply stopped talking a couple of times mid sentence and she didn't even notice. A couple of years prior, she admitted setting me up with a guy she knew just because she'd be closer to the man she wanted. He was friends with the man she set me up with. So we double-dated for a while but she and the man she wanted didn't work out (his choice). She then pretty much dropped off of the face of the earth after that and went from contacting me daily to talk about him to RARELY contacting me. I felt used as she didn't fess up until well after the fact and I was tipsy when she did and we were at a very nice restaurant where I was treating her for her BIRTHDAY. It was easier, at that moment, just to forgive her. That is the back story of her manipulation, but I am here for one specific reason; She and I were going to a concert and she informed me we would get in for free. A couple of days before the concert she texts me "oh my God ?? we are going to have to pay for the concert." She told me the price and I gave her the money because she knew who to pay etc. While en route to the concert we were a bit tipsy and she told me, and I quote "?? I didn't have to pay for the concert. He only had room for one more free person. Sorry." This happened 2 weeks ago and last night I came across that text she sent telling me "oh my God?? we have to pay..." I felt quite bad because I realized she totally lied to me about MONEY. I feel like, in a way, she stole from me. She didn't even offer to go half with me which is what I would've done and have done in similar situations, that way we'd both have a discount. Hindsight is 2020 because, before she told me the truth, she allowed me to buy the alcohol for the weekend (we made a weekend of it). Even though she knew she I had to pay for my ticket. It was also my birthday celebration and my father passed the month prior. Two weeks before the concert my boyfriend and I broke up and have been broken up since...so about a month. I told her "I am depressed due to the break up." She has yet to check on me, but calls with her own drama and complaints about her life.I honestly feel stupid for not being able to recognize the manipulation as it is happening and for not leaving her the friendship years ago.These situations have passed but I just want other people's perspective on the things I have said, especially the last issue. Lastly, what is the best way to end a longterm friendship? I would feel weird bringing up the past issues. Should I fade her out, if so how?
View related questions:
broke up, depressed, money, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2019): You received a number of responses, because your post touched a lot of people. We are here because we are compassionate and empathetic towards issues regarding relationships of all kinds. We've all been in your shoes, and I can tell many of the responders to the post value friendship; and wanted to offer some heartfelt advice. Glad to be of help!
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (13 November 2019):
 Ah, my mistake then!
I read as she took money for the tickets and then SHE went alone on a free ticket.
Still, she sounds like a twat. And if she is always without money, she could suggest you two go for coffee or she cook a dinner at home, something that wouldn't wreck her budget.
Not all friendships are for a lifetime. It will be HER loss.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2019): Wise Owl- thank you so much for your kind words and condolences. It has been a hard and depressing couple of months. I appreciate you!!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2019): OP here. Wow all of these responses have been absolutely terrific! I will bookmark this page just for future reference. Thank you all so much for taking the time to write to me in such detail. I seriously appreciate it!Honeypie: We did go to the concert, she first told me her associate would have free passes for us. Then a few days prior to the concert she said we would both have to pay after all. So I sent her my money for my ticket.On the way to the concert she admitted SHE didn't have to pay as the associate only have one more free pass.She initially led me to believe we would both have to pay and never mentioned her ticket was free or even offered to split my ticket price. She just took my money and was honest after the fact.WiseOwl: I definitely appreciate your message, I needed to hear that yes, all of this is partly my fault too.I definitely realize I am naive, a bit slow to see when I am being used, and then reluctant to acknowledge it because I wouldn't realize until weeks later. I definitely agree she isn't a friend, there is no question in my mind about that now. I am definitely not perfect but I have NEVER treated anyone like that.Thanks again, I will definitely be following the advice on this board. Have a great day!!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2019): [EDIT]: Typo corrections
"I have friends that I know are struggling financially; yet they never take advantage of me."
"You were never seeking reward for your kindness, you only wanted to be kind; and to share merriment with someone whom you thought is your lifelong friend."
*You gave her benefit of the doubt, but for way too long!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2019): I'm truly sorry about the loss of your father and your breakup! That's truly devastating to anyone! You hardly had a chance to handle one thing before you met yet another serious misfortune. My most sincere condolences.
You may not like my advice; but at least ponder over it, and then do whatever you feel best for you.
I personally believe you had many red-flags, signs, and warnings that you were being used. You volunteered many times; although you could see a pattern. You spoiled your friend; so you have to own some responsibility in how the dynamics of the friendship was changed. You let money and finances become a factor in maintaining the relationship. You became her benefactor, and she became your dependent. I have friends I know are struggling financially, yet the never take advantage of me. I enjoy giving, but pride and love doesn't allow them, nor myself, to use any of the people we consider our friends. Those who have, just don't remain that close. I still care for them, faults and all! They know what's-up! We have an understanding...as you can see, I'm a straight-shooter!
Never try to buy love, because you're not purchasing anything of value. You're making a trade...your honor for their contempt.
I myself will often pick-up the tab without a second-thought; but it becomes apparent to me when certain individuals never show any generosity towards me. It doesn't have to be in the form of money. Just be there for me. When you feel I need your comfort and support; and come without a summons or invitation. Just show the love! If that never happens, you're not a friend. You're a mooch! You're were never seeking reward for your kindness, you only wanted to be kind; and to share merriment with someone whom you thought is your friend. Time changes people, my dear! Sometimes we unwittingly change them; when we encourage or condone their bad-behavior. Sometimes, you have to be honest and tell them.
True giving and generosity doesn't seek reciprocity. It's any gesture of goodwill and love. True-friends recognize it when they see it; and respond by showing their love and appreciation in their own way. People posing as friends only see a meal-ticket, or a sucker. Divine-intervention will open your eyes and let you see it for what it is. Separate from people who betray or use you! Distance is safety!
If you're an enabler, you've brought it on yourself to some degree. We do have to help-out our friends who may not have the disposable-cash we have; but by the same token, I do decline too much generosity with dignity and respect towards a person who is going out of their way for me. I don't use people, and I don't like being used! Just being aware of it hurts my feelings!
You gave the money unwisely; and you should therefore forfeit any claims for refund for the ticket. Yes, you got played once more; but you learned the true nature of the person you thought to be a friend. You were slow in noticing you were being taken advantage of; but in the back of your mind, you knew.
My advice is: Don't burn the bridge, take hostages, or build a wall. Just close the gate behind you. Go quietly on your way. Respond only in an emergency! Calls will be rare anyway, she'll only call when she wants something. Let her leave a message, and respond according to the reason for the call. You can also block her calls for good, if you wish.
Forget about the money, and dissolve the friendship on peaceful-terms. If she demands an explanation; be straightforward and honest. Hold your temper. Don't confront her; because she already knows exactly why. The surprise to her is that you figured it out!
Once upon a time, she was a friend; so she knows you well enough to know what you were expecting from her. Someone considered a friend since childhood. She preyed on what she saw as a weakness. Forgive her, put distance between you, and just move on. Losing a kind and generous friend is punishment enough. She will greatly miss you, and will punish herself for ruining 25 years of sisterhood. It's difficult in these days and times to find people who are loyal, trustworthy, and honorable. You should cherish them when you find them. They're God's blessing!
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (12 November 2019):
I wouldn't try and confront her, but I would ASK for the money BACK you paid for the concert you didn't even end up going to.
See what she says to that.
If she comes up with ALL kind of excuses, I'd say you know what I think our friendship is just not working out for me anymore. I wish you the best, then you END the conversation - can do a "I got to go" and hang up, after that? REMOVE her from all social media, block her number and DELETE it. I wouldn't LET her know that you don't feel appreciated as a person, just that YOU are done. Because she won't care or listen anyways, why would she do that now? I like Aunty BimBim's - "I can't afford friends like you". It's precise and to the point, you really wouldn't have to explain that.
She isn't a friend. She is a leech.
And while YOU have enabled her to take advantage of you, because it was EASIER to just pay and shut up then "confront" her in the moment. And after it felt too late.
SHE made a habit of it. Because it was to HER benefit. And perhaps she also felt ENTITLED to have you pay. She is more of an "escort" than a friend as you have been PAYING for her company.
If you are a totally non-confrontational person, just take FOREVER in relying text, be 100% unavailable IF she ever calls or wants to do things. Make conversations IF SHE CALLS (not text) VERY short, can say can't talk, I got to go, take care, bye. And not call back.
Personally, I would not choose that, I would tell her you feel you have outgrown the friendship and it's not something you wish to continue, then wish her well and block/delete, unfriend...etc. Because it is HONEST. And it's not like SHE has really cared what you think or feel so WHY should you worry about her feelings?
You can do it.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2019): Absolutely, I would say she has manipulation to a T but she actually admitted she ripped you off! I'm sure you're not the only one and chances are she has her own money, people with it have it for a reason they tend to display her characteristics and people fall for it!
I wouldn't even explain, block her and be thankful the penny has finally dropped that you know what she has been doing!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2019): Ditch her. She's not a friend, she's a user. Don't waste any more of your time, money etc. If she calls, just ignore it. Or if you really want you can tell her that your friendship is over because you are fed up of being used. Focus on other friendships.
...............................
A
female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (12 November 2019):
 This is definitely a one-sided friendship. I've been on the same side that you're on so I understand how frustrating and infuriating it can be. She definitely has been using you and I'd definitely say that the whole ticket incident was basically robbery because she had you out of your hard earned money on purpose. I don't know what her game is tbh or who she thinks she is but this isn't healthy for you. Especially since she keeps running to you with her emotional issues so eventually it WILL take its toll on your because things like that become so emotionally draining after a while. You'll feel yourself grow emotionally tired from constantly having to be there for her while there is no one there for you the entire time. It's draining. It's not worth it. You can't talk to her, confide in her... Hell, you can't trust this person. She's admitted to using you to get closer to men and she continues to use you for money... You need to let her go. She obviously doesn't care about you but she'll definitely miss all the ways in which she benefits from being your friend, in time. When that time comes, stick to your guns. It's best to get rid of people like her and surround yourself with people who love and appreciate you.
...............................
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (12 November 2019):
 I doubt confronting her will do you much good, she sounds like the sort who will deny and demand and take charge of any conversations, so take the easy way out, just remove her from social media, block her as well, and block her phone number as well.
If she does track you down in person it will be because she wants something, and you can just gently say something along the lines of "I've found I cant afford a friend like you"
...............................
A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (12 November 2019):
 I’d just stop contacting her and if she asks id tell her the same as what you’ve told us today. She is a user for sure, people will treat you as badly as you let them! At least you’ve realised her for what she is, move forwards without her in your life.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2019): Personally, I would avoid the confrontational 'brutal' route suggested as one option and take the other option of simply deleting her from your life.If you try to give her any reason or explanation at all for why you are considering ending the friendship you will either receive a backlash / barrage of insults and / or be subjected to more manipulation of your feelings.But, as well as this, I would immediately start factoring in other things into your life that are positive and fun and healthy for you to be involved in, to start to replace the memories and bad feeling given by this woman. You may well be sweet an caring and therefore vulnerable to being used, or you may simply have neglected or not know how to connect to or with truly rewarding experiences and people - this would seem to be why you have allowed this behaviour for so long and did not really notice it for so long. You sound rather naive in regard to 'self-care', ie. taking care of yourself in ways that mean you look after yourself first and foremost and develop meaningful and rewarding relationships with people and experiences.Maybe make a point of growing your friends base, slowly but steadily - join some groups like dancing groups or walking or volunteering groups and this will surely lead to some new connections and actually doing activities that will boos your self esteem. It seems with this friend that you mainly hung out, would have drinks, sometimes go to a concert, all paid for by you. Maybe switch the focus of your new friendships to the activity involved, where everyone has already paid upfront, and then anything beyond that - drinks after class or after volunteer work etc - is an extra that can be negotiated fairly.
...............................
A
female
reader, mystiquek + ♥, writes (12 November 2019):
 OP, you sound like a sweet and caring person. The type of person that most people would treasure. Unfortunately your "friend" is a user and a manipulator and she takes you forgranted. There are givers and takers and she is definitely the latter. I think you are making the right choice by ushering her out of your life. Who has time for fake friendships?
How you handle this depends on how direct you want to be. You can take the easy way by just blocking her on your phone social media and emails. Its quick and painless and she will just no longer be able to have access to you short of coming by your home. (I wouldn't answer the door if she did).
Or...you can take the more brutal route (I'm not this type of person so I'd feed uncomfortable doing this) but many people are ok with going this route. You have every right to be direct if you chose. Next time she calls you can say something like "I'm sorry but I have grown tired of always footing the bill and always being there when you don't ever return the favors or even act like you are interested in me". This is very direct. You can sweeten it up if you like but if you go this way make sure she gets it that you don't consider her a "friend".
Good luck sweetie...it hurts losing people that we have known for a long time but sometimes its necessary.
...............................
|
