A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Was this abusive behaviour by my boyfriend, or not?. I have had an on/off relationship with my boyfriend for a year. Yesterday, I was out with him and I called my mum to pick me up. I got upset because my mum started shouting at me on the phone. She acted childish saying that she would park further down the road because she didn't want to see my boyfriend. It's a long story. She doesn't like him sometimes because of when I have been upset over him. I asked him to come to the car with me to talk to my mum and try to sort things out. I was sat in the car and he was stood outside as my car door was open. He told my mum he loved me and said we just argue sometimes. Then he said my mum and I should sort things out between us too. My mum said that he should hear her side of the story. To avoid an argument with my mum, I got out of the car and started walking back towards where my boyfriend and I had been earlier. He grabbed hold of me and shouted " get back in the car!" really angrily. I grabbed hold of a lamppost and he pulled me off and literally dragged me back to the car. I have had a very painful back for the last couple of days. It started the day before yesterday after I had been out somewhere. The seats weren't very comfy, so I think I hurt my back from that. I should have just stayed at home resting it really, but I went out to see him to try and fix our relationship. He said he doesn't have much money at the moment and had to borrow money to go to the pub, but yet , he couldn't use that money to come and see me while I had a bad back. I had taken painkillers before I went out, but after he grabbed me, the pain was so severe when I got home, I kept crying because of it. It's a bit better now. I spoke to him when I got home last night. I was hurt and offended by him saying that I was a stocky, well built person!. I'm only 5'1 and weigh 8 stone 6 ounces, which is the average weight for my height. He is underweight, so he can't criticise anyone!. I am very depressed over the situation with him and my mum. Do you think I should cut both of them out of my life?.
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (3 November 2016):
 I don't think it is your Autism that is holding you back, I think it is your mental health. You need to seek help for that. Lift the phone and talk to someone who can help you. But honey you also need to stop putting yourself down so much and learn to believe you can look after yourself and you are able to have a good life. The only thing that is stopping you is yourself and your excuses. You need to learn to look after yourself. Self help is the most important. Please don't wish for a physical disability because that just tells me you want people to feel sorry for you and give you attention, and that is cruel. I have known people who have lost many limbs and they are the most independent people I have met would not let you do anything for them as they are proud to be who they are and what they can achieve. I really do think you need to see a professional again.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2016): I have Aspergers Syndrome which really gets me down because people look at me and think that I look ok and think there is nothing wrong because it is a disability that I have in my mind, not a physical disability. Because I am intelligent, they think that I don't need much help. But I have anxiety, depression, have had suicidal thoughts, and have actually tried to harm myself. I sometimes wish that I had a physical disability or more severe autism and then people would help me. My family just say " oh, your autism isn't very severe" and when I tell them about the problems they have, they say " no, you don't have them" or " oh, you are alright" and tell me to " buck up". This makes me feel worse. They don't understand how much I struggle everyday. I was in a psychiatric unit last year, then lived in a rehabilitation place for people who had just come out of hospital and had mental health problems and disabilities. The staff were useless, and my mother and I actually cried at some of the reviews that we had with the staff. When I first got my autism diagnosis, we explained it to the staff and explained what I needed help with, but they said they thought that I was doing well enough on my own, when I knew that I wasn't at all. And after I left that place, a community psychiatric nurse came to see me in my flat a few times, when there was nothing in it. She could see how bad the flat was, and I explained to her how bad I was feeling, but she only stayed for a few minutes and didn't offer much help. Also, social services got in touch once saying they would give me an assessment to see what I needed help with, but they never got in touch again until a few months later which I thought was ridiculous, and even after that phone call, which was about me having an assessment again, they didn't get back in contact. I have lost faith in people who are supposed to help me now and don't trust them. I feel that my whole life is just going to be me in my flat on my own struggling forever. I also can't go and live with my mum because she lives with my grandmother too in my grandmothers house. The police and ambulance used to go to their house a lot last year and the year before because I had suicidal thoughts and harmed myself. They said I couldn't live there any more because of how stressed it made them feel and they were embarrassed wondering what the neighbours thought of the police and ambulance going there. They should have been more concerned about my safety and health, not about what the neighbours thought!. My dad also doesn't want to know me now since he got remarried 6 years ago, and since I had my autism diagnosis and had mental health problems, and he doesn't live close by anyway. I think they all hate me because of my problems. I have been feeling suicidal again for the last few days.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (27 October 2016):
We cannot answer these questions about what is going on in his mind. But we can try and help you to help yourself. Is it a problem living alone? Would your mother have you come stay with her for a while or even as another poster suggested an in patient facility until you get yourself better. Are you able to live and look after yourself independently? Is it possible for you to talk to your mother about how you feel. Is your Autism severe?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2016): I wish he hadn't contacted me, to be honest. Why bother sending a text like that?. Why not just leave it?. Bit of a pointless text really.And why didn't he say that I was better off without him or something?.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (22 October 2016):
 He has given you the green light to spend your time working on yourself. So don't contact him again and start seeking the help you need for all your issues. There will be plenty of time for a relationship after you have gotten a true handle on things. Good luck.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2016): Ok, I sent him a text yesterday saying that I was looking after my physical and mental health for now and that I have sorted things with my mum. He sent me a message today saying that it's good that I am looking after my health and that I have sorted things with my mum. He didn't mention meeting up to talk, or about staying together or breaking up. I don't know what to say if I respond, don't know when to respond and don't know whether to leave it a while then fix things, or break up permanently.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (22 October 2016):
The very last thing you need in your life is a boyfriend. What you need is lots and lots of therapy to address the multitude of issues with which you are currently dealing. If being alone is problematic for you perhaps an in-patient facility would be the best option. Maybe your mother would be willing to help you find such a facility. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2016): They did spend my grandad's money on furnishing it. I said that in my post. The money I get is not enough to afford it
I have told that idiot that I am having time to myself for a while to look after my health, and said he was wrong to physically drag me. I told him a lot of home truths. Yes he has a lot of his own issues, but he can't mess me around.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (21 October 2016):
Am not sure why you think it is your families responsibility to help you out financially. You are an adult. You get your money. You should be able to look after yourself and stop blaming your family for everything. When your grandfather left you money maybe you should have saved it so you could furnish your apartment. The world is not against you. But you do need to start looking after yourself. Yes look after your mental health, but also realize that your family is not there to hand things on a plate to you. You should be supporting yourself.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (21 October 2016):
 See ? Your family- mom included- must not be that bad after all. Apparently, you can count on them, at least some of the time.
The boyfriend is a different story. No, even if he was frustrated , and concerned about your safety, he should not have been physically aggressive. And you should not offer him the chance, or rhe temptation, to repeat his bad behaviour. He may look somewhat like your departed uncle, but I guess that your uncle did not use to yell at you and hurt you physically- and that's a big difference.
Do not fuss about the details, yes, it would be best to dump him in person, but- whatever works for you atm, ( phone, e-mail, WhatsApp.... ) as long as it gets you rid of him. I think your plate is already full enough, emotionally and mentally, for you to be able adding in it so much drama and tension and scenes under the guise of an on and off guy.
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female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (21 October 2016):
 Where was your current boyfriend in August when you were having trouble with an ex boyfriend? Why wasn't your current boyfriend able to help paint your place?
You need to think long and hard about the sort of men you are inviting into your life
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2016): Auntybimbim, that post you shared the link to isn't about my boyfriend.I think I need some time to myself to look after my own physical and mental health. It's hard because I find it difficult to keep friendships going because of my problems. I get very anxious and lonely living alone.Another thing which might sound weird, I think I find it hard to cut him out of my life because he reminds me of my uncle who passed away three years ago from cancer. My uncle was five years older than him. They both dressed exactly the same, talk exactly the same with the accent and slang words, had the same mannerisms, danced the same way, both liked drinking in the pub, both had a very small box bedroom... It seems odd to me that I am attracted to him though and yet he reminds me of my uncle. We started dating last year, so that was after my uncle died.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2016): A lot of the drama in your life is brought to you by other people. I think you'd be better off with a period of calm without them to re- group and decide how you want the next phase of your life to be. I have found volunteering a positive experience and has given me more confidence without pressure. Being around kind people which I'm sorry but neither your boyfriend or mother are.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2016): My flat was empty when they first sent me here, but now there are carpets and furniture in it and some of the decorating has been done. My family lost contact with me for about five months so I lived like that for a long time which affected my mental health. But they have helped pay towards helping me with my flat since. I dread to think what would have happened if they hadn't. Actually; some money was left to me by my grandad who sadly passed away last year. After my grandad died, my family acted weird ( which some people do after someone has died for a while). I probably would have ended up dead.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (20 October 2016):
No it is not right off him to man handle you in any situation. It sounds like he was frustrated with you. Still not an excuse. If he would rather spend his money in the pub than come see you then that says really all that you need to know.
As for your mother, she obviously cares when she came to pick you up. Stop judging her from the past. Yes she may have hit you but we don't know the full story.
As for your house and it being empty and you having no help with furniture or with cooking, that is not your mothers responsibility. You are an adult. I am sure if you can live by yourself then you are able to look after yourself.
It sounds like you just want pity. Maybe you need to see a counselor, as this is not healthy.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2016): I had the back pain before he manhandled me. It started the night before. I had been put for a meal and wad sat in a bad position ad the seats weren't comfy and we were sat in a corner and some men came and sat next to us to watch football on TV. We were all sat on one of those long seats and I had to sit in the corner with nothing to rest my back against properly because one of the men was sat next to me. I didn't want to sit too close to him as he was a stranger, so I moved in to the corner. The pain was severe when I got home, then eased off a little bit the day after when I saw my boyfriend, and then went severe again after my boyfriend manhandled me . I do think that he was wrong to do that and to yell at me. He said he did it because he wanted me to get home safely and wanted me to sort things out with my mum, but he didn't need to be so aggressive. It's weird because my mum offered him a lift home too, but he said no.I don't like that he told his friends about what happened either. I don't want to go back to the pub, but I don't know if it's right to end the relationship with a phone call.Plus, he might not listen and just hang up.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (20 October 2016):
Re. your on and off bf : isn't that intuitive ?
If he yells at you and grabs you and manhandles you to the point of having you writhing in pain all day, then yes, it is abusive behaviour and, yes , you should cut contact with him.
Then again, regardless of the verbal and physical abuse, no relationship that's always on and off it's worth salvaging. Let it stay off altogether.
As for your mother it's a bit more complicated, I think too we should hear her side of the story.Maybe your mother is no angel,- but neither are you. Burning bridges with your mother is a very serious decision which should be well pondered , and never on the wave of strong emotions and heated arguments. While in a lifetime you can have 10, or 100 lovers, you only ever get one mother . There are toxic mothers too, I don't deny it , but I think this special blood bond deserves any possible and honest attempt to mend it, defore disposing of it for good.
Moreover, let's be realistic. Are you sure you can afford to get rid of your mother ? It sounds like you need her help at times, and you can't do certain things on your own. Otherwise, why complaining of having been " thrown in " in an empty apartent, with not enough household items ? You are 30-35, ! it would be normal if you were able to fend for yourself and set up house by yourself and get all the things you need to survive in an apartment. If one can get help from family, financial or otherwise, that's a nice extra, a nice bonus- but why in your opinion a mother is BOUND to supply carpets and cutlery to a 30plus daughter ??
Now, in case you are not able to provide for yourself, due to health or any other issues, obviously I am not pointing fingers . If you can't be independent, you just can't, no blame. BUT, then it means that you NEED your mother's help for many aspects of your daily life- and it's pointless to make big talks of rebellion and distance , when , for whatever unfortunate reason, you are not completely able to stand on your own feet...
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (20 October 2016):
Is the ex boyfriend in this question the same man, or a different one?
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/is-my-ex-boyfriend-taking-advantage.html
You need to think carefully about the sorts of men you are choosing to have a relationship with, same man or different man he/they are not good for you. Maybe take a break from having a boyfriend and spend some time considering what you need to do to attract (and be attracted to) a man who will not be as horrid as your current, or ex, boyfriend.
If you were able to demonstrate to your family that you are capable of making better decisions then they may be more open to helping you ..... but at the moment it seems that your decisions are creating a lot of your problems, which could get very tiring for your family.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2016): She came to pick me up so that I wouldn't have to spend money on a taxi, not to rescue me from him. I live in a council flat on disability benefits.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2016):
Excuse me??. "REALLY ill or injured???". What do you consider to be a REAL illness???. I was CRYING with SEVERE back pain!!. And autism is a REAL disability. I did not have a tantrum at all. I was embarrassed as my mother can be very manipulative and she makes me more out to be worse than I am. And she doesn't come running every time me and him have an argument. Like I said, I rarely see her. What about when she hit me, and when I got thrown in to a flat with literally NOTHING??. And with no one AT ALL to help me??. And what about him grabbing and yelling at me??.Don't make her out to be a perfect angel.
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female
reader, RubyBirtle +, writes (19 October 2016):
Well, I certainly think you should cut that awful boyfriend out of your life.
As for your mother.... well, what else has she done to make you think that you should cut her out of your life other than shout at you during that last altercation with your horrid boyfriend?
It sounds like she's at the end of her tether and you're expecting HER to pick up the pieces every time you and vile boyfriend have an argument.
You're an adult - leave your mother out of your love life. Don't expect her to come to the rescue if you and vile boyfriend have an argument. Don't expect her to mediate between your arguments. And don't expect her to make any effort to get on with him or even meet him. He's YOUR vile boyfriend - not hers.
But my best advice is for you to dump him permanently. Your relationship with your mother will probably improve tenfold once vile boyfriend is out of your life - for good.
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (19 October 2016):
 I read this and found myself mentally rolling my eyes and thinking "teenagers, honestly!". Only afterwards did I notice your age. Why is any of this your mother's fault? All she has done is come running after you every time you have a row with your boyfriend. As you are in your 30s, I assume your mother is at least in her 50s, possibly older. Do you think she has nothing better to do than referee between you and your boyfriend?I am not playing down what he did to you, but you do sound like a bit of a drama queen. Do you normally try to get attention via illness/injury? If so, you need to stop otherwise, when you are really ill/injured, nobody will take any notice.You and your boyfriend - NOT your mother - need to sit down and decide whether your relationship is on or off. If it is off, then walk away and cut contact. If it is on, sort out your problems between the two of you and leave your mother out of it.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2016): I also have autism.Worst luck. What is even worse is my boyfriend has been telling his friends about our arguments.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2016): Auntybimbim, I very rarely see my mother. She is off work this week. She offered to pick me up. Also, she was trying to start an argument with her tone off voice. I didn't walk off angrily. I walked off because I felt embarrassed. She has actually said horrible, abusive things to me too, like saying she will never see me again if I stay with my boyfriend, and she has hit me in the past. I was in hospital last year for mental health problems. My family threw me in to a flat where I had no carpets, hardly any furniture, and I couldn't cook. This made my mental health worse. The reason they did that is because I had made suicide attempts and the police had been to the house a lot when I lived with them.
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female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (19 October 2016):
You are a woman in her thirties, and yet, when you were out with your boyfriend you rang your mother to come pick you up....
doesn't your mum have a life of her own, do you think she sits by the phone everytime you go out with your on off boyfriend, in case you decide its off again at any given moment.
If your mother has to listen to you each and every time your relationship with your boyfriend is off its no wonder she doesn't want to see him, and I can understand her not wanting to see him if you and he have had another issue to make it off again.
When you force your mother to interact with him by asking him to come to the car, when your boyfriend suggested you and she had issues, when she wanted to air those (her side of the story) you threw a little toddler tantrum and walked off.
I think you and he need to decide once and for all if your relationship is going to be on or off, if its off then cut contact with each other, if its going to be on the grow up and work on making the relationship work for you both, like adults do.
As for your poor mother, give her a break and start treating her as something more than a bloody taxi driver when you want her to drop everything to run around after you, and if you REALLY want to sort the situation out with your mother then maybe you should listen to her side of the story.
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