A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Am I being taken advantage of?. My ex boyfriend started doing some painting in my apartment. He has done two days work so far. He doesn't decorate for a living. He just said he would help. He got in touch with me on facebook, after not contacting me for nine months. I wasn't happy that it took him so long to contact me. When we met up the first time, we met in a pub, and then he demanded to go to my flat ( some posters here thought he was presumptuous. I posted about when we met up the first time). I think he can be arrogant, and talks about himself too much. He is still presumptuous too, as he talks as if I want to go out with him, but I don't. Also, when he first mentioned doing the decorating, he didn't mention charging me for it, and didn't mention it during the first couple of days, but now, he has said that his new music business that he I trying to get started isn't going to plan, and said he has to charge me. It isn't my fault that his business isn't going to plan, and what would he have done for money if we hadn't been in contact?. Also, we went to a cafe for a meal last time I saw him, and he said he had no money at all (yeah, right. Who doesn't at least have a bit of change with them?), so I had to pay for both of our meals. When we sit on the couch, he says "come here, you", and puts his arm around me, and it makes me so uncomfortable. I really need the decorating finished, but I don't want to pay him, and don't want to be around him.I suppose I could go out of the house and leave him to it, but I don't know if I can trust him. I can't afford a professional decorator, and I'm not sure who else could do it. I can't do it. I am so stressed about it all. What do you think?.
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (25 August 2016):
 What you are doing now is feeling sorry for yourself. You should go out and live your life. Get rid of the ex, go out and start new hobbies and interests, take time meeting people and making friends. Live your life. Nobody is going to hand anything on a plate to you, so go out and make the most of being young.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2016): Actually, I dont want anything from him or anyone. Just want to rot away in my apartment.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2016): Oh anon,
That's probably where the problem is; no relationships with anyone so your scrounging from him for any form of attention as long as it is on your terms and down to your rules.
This is hardly fair on either of you.
There is no need to explain your situation; it isn't unique and no factors will change the outcome.
Put up with the unpainted wall and save until you can find some chap on gumtree to do it for £30. Costs less than the therapy you're setting yourself up for by continuing this bull with your ex.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2016): Well, I personally wouldnt ask family and friends for money, but that's me.
I'm not letting him finish the job. I want nothing more to do with him. It was a mistake replying to him when he got in touch with me.
Not everyone can paint. I have problems with my hands.I will be leaving the painting unfinished for now. I have no family support, and no friends to help. I spend most of my time alone.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  + ♥, writes (25 August 2016):
 OP, I don't think anyone here believes this guy is a gem, but you are not a victim here. You're taking advantage of him just as he is taking advantage of you.
Your first clue that he was going to be pushy was when he kept pushing to come to your flat in the first place.
He's a loser. Now toss him already.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (25 August 2016):
 Paint yourself. Its nonsense that you cant. Its not art, its a brush and paint on the wall. Of course you can do it, or you can have family and friends help you. Get your mooching ex out of your life now. No need to go out for meals and do each other favours, he is you ex, not your bff.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (24 August 2016):
 So tell him there was no agreement to paying anything as you have no money, and that you want no further contact.
Then you BLOCK him and cut him off. If he shows up at your door, don't open. If he persist call the police.
No should mean no. He isn't respecting you.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (24 August 2016):
An ex is an ex for a reason, you cannot just suddenly want to be friends with them, it does not work like that, there was to many feelings in the past to now have a friendship. You need to end contact with him, so I think you should either pay him for the 2 days he has worked after all, why should he not get paid? Then finish the job yourself, believe me painting really is not that difficult and he seems to be making a mess of it anyway as you say. If you want him to finish the job then that is fair enough but you should pay him, something that is fair to you both, he may have survived being unemployed but still he is working in your flat so you should offer him some sort of wages. I am sorry that he is making you feel uncomfortable but from your post you just want someone to paint your flat for free and that is not fair.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2016): I DID say no lots of times when he asked about going to my place, but he kept pestering me. When we went in my flat that first time, after we hadn't been in contact for nine months, he offered to do the painting and didn't even mention money. I didn't know at that point that he was going to be too pushy, demanding, and creepy with his behaviour either. One minute, he says in his messages that we are friends, and then he sends a creepy message saying that he wants to make love to me!. It's weird. Before we got back in contact, I thought I wanted to be friends with him. He was the one who contacted me out of the blue. I thought we would just be friends, but he either wanted a relationship with me, or maybe just one thing. I can't tell. He was pushy when I went out with him. He demands that i look at him when he is talking to me too, even though he knows that I have trouble making eye contact.I would NEVER charge family and friends for anything. I would've ashamed. But, that's my opinion. Painting and taking peoples money when they don't have much money in the first place are two different things. He has been unemployed all year, so if he survived before we got back in contact, he can now.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (24 August 2016):
First off you say you where angry he did not contact you in nine months, I have to ask why? You broke up so why would he need to contact you. It sounds to me like you are the one taking advantage, he may have demanded to come to your flat but you could have said no. When he offered to help you could have said no, but you said yes as you where getting it free, now that he wants something, all off a sudden you don't feel comfortable around him and you don't trust him. But yes you where annoyed he did not contact you. OP make up your mind?!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2016): I told him straight that I didn't want him to come here anymore because i am not comfortable with him, and that his behaviour is creepy, as he is too pushy and demanding. He won't come here anymore. I think it was rude of him to ask me for money. It's scrounging. He wasn't there for me during my bad times last year and earlier this year when I was in a really bad state, so why should I be there for him?. We has been broken up for a few months but then stayed friends for a while, but lost contact because he met another woman. They went on a couple of dates, but didn't have a relationship. And lost his job in November. He has been unemployed all year, and is trying to get his own business going, but it isn't going to plan. So, if he survived all year without me helping him, he can do it again.
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A
female
reader, Ciar + ♥, writes (24 August 2016):
What you're doing is akin to a man who shows up at his ex wife's home expecting her to cook him dinner, wash his clothes, nurse him when he's ill and have sex with him whenever he wants then argues he's a single guy and can date whomever he wants.
I agree with the advice to stop playing dumb and to pay him for the work he's done (less than you'd pay a professional since you're not getting professional quality work). Next time someone offers their help, make the terms clear from the beginning. That way they don't feel led on and taken advantage of and you don't have to fight off unwanted advances.
If you two broke up months ago, he wasn't obliged to contact you at all, let alone sooner.
Pay him for the work he's done, send him packing, put a period here and move on.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (24 August 2016):
What a mess.
1. Paint your own walls, it's not hard at all.. (after all your non-decorating ex can do it, so can YOU).
2. if you need carpet laid, PAY someone who KNOWS how to do it. So it will be done right, THAT is a cost you won't regret.
If he halfway through the work tells you he has to charge you, tell him he is done and honestly? Either find a price, give him some money and get rid of him. Or tell him that YOU didn't ASK him to paint for you, and help decorate, but that he offered and you thus presumed he wanted to help out.
Stop playing dumb.
If you want nothing from your EX don't let him in your place, don't let him TELL you what to do. HE is an ex!
Someone tells you come here so I can touch you... And you don't want THAT person to touch you, you say no! it's not hard.
My guess is... you were hoping he would put in all this work for free because he still cares about you. That is where you are wrong.
So in short YOU are taking as much advantage as he is. IMHO
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (24 August 2016):
 Really ? then, with all due respect, tell your mom that SHE can call him and sit on the couch next to him, and have him go all cozy and touchy- feely on her ! She can also have him bum her meals, and act entitled . Then, maybe she 'll see your point of view.
OP, you are not 5 y.o anymore . You want to please your mom and make her happy and that's nice, but it's not the same thing like passing over to mom the handling and management of your daily life down to the last detail. It's your apartment, and your money ; it will get decorated when and how it's convenient for YOU , as it's just logical and natural.
Yes, probably it's better if the walls have already been painted before having the carpet fitted, but some times plan needs to change according to circumstances, and anyway this it's nothing that any painter worth his salt ( ... not your ex, seeing the results ) can't easily work around. People generally do not empty their house of all furniture and contents, nor have all their carpets stripped off, before having their place repainted, you know ?...
As for your mom fretting about this, again I would not want to sound disrespectful, but , if she can have the time and energy to worry about YOUR carpet , ... she is a very lucky woman !, it means she has not got anything more serious or ominous to preoccupy her mind !
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2016): Dear Anon,Sounds like you and your ex-boyfriend have got yourselves into a cycle of mutual; exploitation. On the one hand, your ex is using your situation as a means of manipulating you and your feelings. And you are giving a miryad of excuses for getting work done in your house at the expense of your ex's feelings for you.I think it's fair to say that this is no more about the decorating of the room than it is about decorating a baby-shower cake. You are both going through this tug and pull for emotional reasons and one of you have to call time on the game and call a spade a spade.If you're not interested then say so. As his advances are making you feel uncomfortable, keep your distance. If you can't trust him to be in your house without your presence then you have to find someone else to be in the house with him. If you can't possibly find someone else then you need to ask yourself why there are so many needless excuses you're making for a guy to be decorating a room instead of finding solutions so he ISN'T the guy decorating your room.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2016): He had offered a reasonable, cheap price, but I don't like being around him. My mum will be disappointed. She wanted the decorating to be done in my room before the carpet is fitted. She doesn't live with me, but she gets stressed out and worries a lot. She got angry when I told her that I thought he shouldn't come.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (24 August 2016):
Just pay him off for the two days he's done, and send him on his merry way. ( Chances are that he is not doing a proper job anyway, if it's his first time ). I don't see what else you can do, since you don't want to pay him : you cannot force him to work for free !, even if at first he had volunteered free help and changed his mind later. All you can do is dismiss him right now. Which you should do anyway, since you don't want him around and he makes you uncomfortable . It's not really a great idea having to stay out of your own house in order to avoid him ! even if you could trust him ( ... and you are right to not trust him, he sounds like such a bum that probably he would even steal food from your refrigerator, in lack of better ! )
If you want the work finished , you have either to do it yourself ( not talking out of personal experience, I am hopeless with home repairs, but I have friends - female friends- who repainted their places themselves and all say that it's no big deal, at the end of the day ).
Or, you can check the local ads on free newspapapers and such, general they are full of offers for odd jobs at reasonable , read : non- union, cash-in-hand prices. Students, retired people,construction workers between jobs. Or you can ask your usual shopkeepers to let you know if they know anybody reliable who wants to do a little painting job for an affordable price. Your local hardware / paint shop is a good place to start.
If you don't want / can't spend any money at all on this- you can always leave the job unfinished - hopefully just for now- as an useful reminder that you can be taken advantage of only if YOU allow it.
Your boorish ex says " come here , you " and you say : "No thanks. You are to work. ". He touches and make you uncomfortable- and you , either say :" hey buster, don't touch me-, or, as I have just suggested , you throw him out ( after giving him his two days of work, because he HAS actually worked ).
You need to stand up for yourself- and to know your own mind, what you really want, first of all. You said that you were unhappy that it took him a long time before contacting you- but also you say that he makes you uncomfortable, you don't want him around, and you do not want to date him again. OK, but then, - why were you even waiting / hoping for him to get in touch ??
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (24 August 2016):
 I'm not sure how you feel your ex boyfriend is taking advantage. He might think you are taking advantage having him decorate your place without paying for it; are you at least covering the cost of paint and brushes, rollers etc.
I also feel the cost of a meal when he is decorating your place is a small price to pay, HOWEVER
there appears to be a total lack of communication on both parts, if he demanded to go to your flat you could have said NO! Why didn't you.
When he decided to decorate you again could have said NO!
Why are you letting an EX boyfriend dictate to you, if your place needs painting and you cant afford a decorator maybe consider leaving it undone until you CAN afford to pay somebody.
You and your ex boyfriend need to sit down and be honest with each other, if he wants payment, how much? When does he expect to be paid. Let him know you will have to pay it off. Stop all the work until you can afford to pay for it.
And ask him what he is wanting from you relationship wise as well, it all seems very messy!
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A
male
reader, DarrellG +, writes (24 August 2016):
 Well, the short answer to your question is YES, he is taking advantage. Generally paying for things should be 50/50 with the proviso that yes, sometimes people are ahead and sometimes they are behind so if one partner pays all SOMETIMES that is ok. If he was going to charge that should have been clear at the beginning re the paiting.
If he is making you feel uncomfortable putting his arm around you that should say alot. You already know the answer to this question - its just this guy seems really domineering, controlling and pushy and he is forecfully suckering you back into being under his thumb and right now you are letting it happen.
Re the decorating, ask family, friends to help, do it yourself or invite people over and make a fun day of it. There are plenty of ways to get it done. This is just an excuse you are making for yourself getting sucked back in. Be strong, stop it, get rid. Good luck x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2016): I also wanted to add that he hasn't done a professional Jo. There are splashes of paint in my bath, and other places where it shouldn't have splashed. He didn't bring any sheets with him. I also have a rule in my home for people to take their shoes off, whether they think the shoes are clean enough or not, but he doesn't. I just don't know if I feel right about it all. I live in a council property, so things are very difficult. I also don't have much family support. Also, I am having a carpet put in my bedroom soon. It's the only room without a carpet, and I sm worried about getting any paint spilled on it. He is supposed to be painting in there before the carpet is fitted.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2016): Your giving him mixed signals sorry to say ..If you are letting him cuddle you in public .. of course he will want some kind of payment (money wise) as I would surely offer something even 50 pound if that's all I could spare and say look I shall pay you 25 here and 25 there if I were struggling a little .but as a friend ..He deserves something
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