A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Should I break off my engagement?I'm engaged and I love my fiance-he has a lot of wonderful qualities-honest, loving, caring, etc.I do feel like I am taking on perhaps too much baggage to be with him and I am concerned about how our future will be.We are in a LDR, and he has plans to move to me next summer. He has two kids (not really an issue since I have a child-but we are finding out what his child support amount is going to be-and I have no idea where we are going to get that money), his name is still on a mortgage with his ex wife and there is no way he can get out of that since he relinquished ownership to her in the divorce unless they short sell. He is also basically entry level at his job. We are both in our 30s and I just feel like he should be further along with his career and salary then he is. Granted, he got into a new career field later in life, and I might even be ok with him being semi-entry level except it doesn't seem that he is any hurry to increase his earning potential. He also has a decent amount of credit card debt, while I barely have any. I don't think his debt is from being financially irresponsible as much as it was from his first marriage where he was the sole financial provider.For me, I have already finished grad school, and while I don't make a stellar salary, I have a work from home job that pays decently and allows me to be a part time stay at home mother. I have a lot of lofty ambitions and goals, and he seems content to just be "ok".I keep telling him how much we are going to struggle financially, but he either doesn't admit it or he just kind of dismisses it like all will be ok, and sure, we will struggle for awhile, but it will be ok. And I'm like, well if you would just get your act together more, we wouldn't have to struggle as badly.He is genuinely a good person and I care for him deeply. He has the potential to do well financially and career wise, but I don't want to make the mistake of marrying potential again. I married my first husband partly based on potential,and as soon as he reached his financial potential (6 figure salary) he left me. I'm sure my scars from that have something to do with my anxiety.
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ambition, debt, divorce, engaged, ex-wife, fiance, his ex, money Reply to this Question
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (17 July 2014):
 I have to question HOW they got a divorce if they still own property together... that's not a standard thing so there has to be some paperwork there.
if she OWNS the house then ONLY her name is on the DEED and SHE can do what she wants... HE has nothing from the house then he just owes on it.
Based on what I know of house ownership and divorce I'm wondering if you are not getting the "whole" or the correct information from him.
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (16 July 2014):
 He NEEDS to get a lawyer. IF he has the kids 50% of the time, he shouldn't pay (or at least not pay much) as for the mortgage, that needs to be sorted out asap. OR she can pull LOANS of the house and HE will pay forever... Not a viable solution.
Contact LAWYER. Have a CLEAR CUT visitation schedule and reasonable Child support amount (if any).
He is playing "victim" here, HE DOES have choices. But unlike the mother he will HAVE to pay for the lawyer. IT will be worth it in the long run.
I agree that I would NOt move into that mess. Sorta been there and done that myself. When I married my husband I had no idea just how messed up the divorce decree and his finances was. 17 years later it's still causing some problems. So take it from someone who has been there.
As for his debt, once you marry HIS DEBT will be your debt, up to a point. NOT a good prospect for you.
Unless he is WILLING to to get a lawyer and get ALL these loose ends sorted out, I would NOT consider going ANY further.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2014): I'm not sure how far away he lives but I don't think it is a good idea for him to move away from his children to be with you and your child. This is not the sign of a good dad imo. I would end it, I believe you asked a question about this before and it seems you need someone financially more stable without responsibilities like he has a lack of ambition. I don't know what your situation is but maybe since you want to live in a wealthy area you should work towards making more money yourself and not rely on someone else because we never really know for sure what people will do as you found out when your first husband dumped you after he got to a better place financially.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (15 July 2014):
 I second So Very Confused's opinion on this. No one moves anywhere until the very real and possibly damaging financial parameters are established by the courts.
I would suggest that he hire an attorney to look after his interests. Especially as he's responsible for a mortgage to which apparently he legal standing.
It sounds like a mess.
It would probably take some lawyer's hours to sort out but it would be a good investment in future planning.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe has been divorced for almost 5 years. He has tried to get his name off the mortgage, but cannot unless she sells the house. They don't live in a great area, so unless they short sale, he is basically stuck. He can't even sell it himself since she owns it.
He got the short end in their divorce-I had nothing to do with it, he and I have only been together a year.
He hasn't been paying child support all this time because he spends exactly 50/50 time with his kids and then just splits any expenses that they have. His kids are literally with him every other day, and a weekend counts as Friday evening through Tuesday morning.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (15 July 2014):
you are correct you cannot love a man or base the relationship on his potential. you will be disappointed.
you say he's learning his CS amount... did his marriage break up because you two met online or something? is his divorce final?
his name is still on a mortgage with his wife... is she his separated wife? I doubt in any legal finalized divorce they would still be on a mortgage together.
Until his divorce is final and his Child support and visitation are set up, I'd be very cautious about admitting you are ENGAGED to a STILL LEGALLY married man.
I would break off the engagement until he has his ducks in a row.
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