A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:i have been dating since 2 years. my girlfriend wants us to be engaged and then married. i have found her to be on dating sites many times and text messenging guys on different phone numbers. she always told lies about it, but now said that it is true that she did. she has said if i dont marry her soon that she will always continue because she is not my wife. how do i explain that this is the reasons why i still wont marry her? why does she do this and then think i should still marry her?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (7 March 2013):
 I want a lot of things I don’t deserve. I want to be a size 4 again. In order to do that I have to follow the rules to get to a size 4. I choose instead to eat things that I should not eat and exercise less than I should. It’s a CHOICE I MADE. If I could be a size 4 without the effort you bet I would do it. But I can’t. Your girlfriend is the same way. She can’t have what she wants if she does not follow the rules.
Your girlfriend wants to be engaged and married without following the rules of engagement and marriage. Rule ONE… FORSAKING ALL OTHERS, no being on dating sites. No texting other men, NO LIES and no cheating.
She says if you don’t marry her soon she will always continue… guess what, even if you marry her she will continue.
You do not need a piece of paper to make you faithful to your partner. NOTHING will change if you marry her other than she will then have claim to your money and possessions and pension etc.
How do you explain it? You don’t. She has to know that she’s not playing by the rules.
What you say to her is “sorry gf of mine but when I get engaged it will be to someone who ALREADY demonstrates she’s faithful and true.”
THE other option is to GET ENGAGED to her and tell her that you want a long engagement and you would like full access to her pins and passwords and online accounts and phone… she will say “ what don’t you trust me?” and you say “NO I DON’T” and go from there…
Personally I would not only not marry her, OP I think you should leave her. She sounds much like my ex husband. He loved me… but not enough and to stroke his fragile ego he had tons of women on the side.
A
male
reader, Been Through It +, writes (7 March 2013):
 Marriage is a huge step and I suggest marry for the right reasons. This does not qualify as right. Why would being married make her satisfied? Does she think everything completely changes the day after the wedding? Well a bit of reality, It doesn't. How can she celebrate your love if she is constantly on the prowl and sneaking around with other men. Save yourself the divorce you will have and don't give into something you will regret.
Marriage is to be a beautiful start and a celebration of where you have grown as a couple. You are not playing house anymore and there are serious responsibilities to be married. Think about it and have a serious talk about what you two are doing to one another.
Good luck out there
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A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (6 March 2013):
So she is basically giving you an ultimatum that if you dont marry her, she is going to continue to solicit other men.
Why again do you think its a good idea to marry her?
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A
female
reader, Jeanette82 +, writes (5 March 2013):
 Does she really want you to marry her? It`s just an excuse for going online. If you marry her she will think of even more excuses to go online, and maybe even some lies too. To be honest, she is probably going to be online for the rest of her life. I would not marry her if I was you. I would find somebody different. Somebody who doesnt go online.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2013): Next time she brings up marriage, you simply tell her that you will not marry a woman who is a liar and a cheater.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (5 March 2013):
You know what, I agree with her. She can do whatever she wants. She hasn't said any vows to you. But neither have you, so get the funk out while you still can!
I have a friend who was always cheating on his girlfriend. He used to say when they got married he'd stop. Then they got married and he'd say, that "she's accusing me of doing it so I might as well." He'd add that when they had a kid he'd stop. What do you think happened?
Your gf is a liar and a cheater. That's just who she is and there's nothing you can do about it except to find someone else.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (5 March 2013):
 Cheaters love to blame their actions on others, never want to accept their own responsibility and your girlfriend has this down pat. I agree with Cerberus, if you were to marry her she would just come up with another excuse to continue cheating on you and it mostly likely would be something that was YOUR fault. Dump her.
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A
male
reader, bronzed adonis +, writes (5 March 2013):
 You should not even be in a relationship with her. Forget marriage.
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A
male
reader, TreeOfLife +, writes (5 March 2013):
 Ok...this girl is not devoted to you. I know nothing about her, but she is manipulative and dishonest.
She is probably a gold digger. If you decide to marry her, get a pre-nup or she will clean you out, and take everything you have worked for your whole life.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2013): What are you still doing with this woman?? Please dont let her make you feel that you must marry her. Dump her because by marrying her you are setting yourself up to a life of being cheated on.
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (5 March 2013):
 Tell her you won't accept emotional blackmail! - Because this is what she's attempting to pull! You have NO reason to trust her!
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (5 March 2013):
 She clearly has some MAJOR issues, normal behaviour for a girl who wants her boyfriend to propose would include the girl being as nice as possible to her boyfriend to ensure that he sees her as future wife material.
Your girlfriend is emotionally cheating on you, she is a liar and has no respect for you. It sounds like she wants to get married more than she wants you - I bet she doesnt really care WHO she gets married to, as long as she gets married she doesnt mind.
My main question is this - why are you still with her? Marriage shouldnt even be on the cards, you shouldnt be thinking about that at all, what you should be thinking about is whether you are going to tolerate her behaviour anymore. She clearly doesnt love you or respect you, so why are you staying with her? Why are you wasting your time on a woman who cannot be faithful?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2013): "how do i explain that this is the reasons why i still wont marry her?"
You say "what man, would in his right mind marry a woman who is emotionally cheating on him?" Simple as that.
"why does she do this?" Because she can OP, you've tolerated it. She's emotionally cheating on you. Building close romances with other guys, flirting, doing all the things that supposed to be reserved for you. Only she can tell you her reasons, but she never will, she'll just keep using bullshit excuses like you not marrying her. Then if you were stupid enough to fall for that and marry her, her excuses would change to things like "you're not romantic enough, she has needs" etc.
"i should still marry her?"
I don't think you should be with her at all, OP. I would have gone ages ago. I would have laughed in her face if she all that marriage shit to me.
OP you caught her cheating and that's all she had to say. I don't know who the bigger fool is here OP; her for coming up with most idiotic, emotional blackmail ultimatum I have ever heard or you for even questioning the feasibility of such a scenario.
You need to go man, she's simply a lying cheat and that's never going to change.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (5 March 2013):
 Girlfriend/Fiance or wife NEITHER should be on dating sites if they are in a serious relationship, it is a HUGE red flag, and I REALLY doubt that saying :"I do" will make her go "cold turkey" from dating sites, she might just hide it better.
If you aren't sure you want to marry her (which I can totally understand, you can NOT trust the woman) WHY are you still with her?
She thinks you should marry her because you STILL stick around when IF she is doing this, so in HER book that means you are sort of OK with it.
Honestly, I would end it with her, she is not respecting you or the relationship ONE bit.
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