A
male
age
51-59,
*ames45
writes:Hello, My world came to a crashing an total devastating end at the end off July when I found out my wife of 25 years and my partner and soul mate as I seen it of 27 years finally admitted that she was and had been having an affair with her teacher at an evening class that she had been attending for 2years.I would like to start by saying that this is the first time in my life that I have ever came on any kind of site to have to outpour my feelings and have done so as an alternative to councilling with the hope that by the time I finish writing this that I will finally feel that I have been able to tell someone how this has devasted me as a person and a human being.My wife and I had met at a young age and got married and as with any marraige we had our ups and downs but my wife always appeared to be there for me and everyone thought we had the perfect relationship. We have a lot in common and always had a good social life with mutual freinds as well as trusting each other to have nights out with freinds who each other new anyway. We had our family and as with most cases my wife stayed in to bring up our family whilst I went out to work, money was tight so I would put in extra hours to provide for my family and so the years went past, it seemed to work for us probably being a bit old school it seemed natural, after being married for a number of years an oppertunity came my way to start my own business which took a bit of thought but was decided that it was a good chance to provide a better life for my family and myself.My wife worked for the company from home which seemed ideal as she could be there at school times holidays etc and seemed to be the perfect answer,I put in the hours and with her help we built the company up and became sucsessfull, we still had a good social life and holidays with our family all seemed to be great, but as the years moved on I was starting to feel the strain of the business and became stressed and although I could not see it, 3 or 4 years ago I now know was depressed,I kept on telling my self that I could get out of it but becuase I didn't seek help it took me longer to come out the other end and during that period I constantly moaned and always seen the bad side of things which ultimitly I would take into my wifes office or our house, which she put up with but wore her down I now also no that. After taking a period to sit down and think long and hard about what was really important to me and what I had to lose, finally the light came shinning through very brightly,I had always told my wife I loved her but like other people in long term marriages probably without trying too, taken her and her love a little for granted.I sat down with my wife and told her everything that I had been going through although she lived through it too, I told her that she was the absolute love of my life and thanked her for being there for me and without her I may never had made it, we both wept a lot and she told me that all her prayers had been answered, she couldn't believe that everything was going be alright for the rest of our lives and how good life would be and I to her also.My love for my wife had hit a level that I could not even begin to Imagine, we were so close and our future seemed to be better than most couples could only dream about. My wife is a beautiful woman who regulary attended fitness classes and because our family was now grown up the time had come when she could take up as many hobbies and classes as her heart desired, which she did with enthusiam and with my blessing, I was so proud that she was getting back out there and not only as she doing healthy past times she was also taking up creative classes, she would come back from her evening classes and show me what she had done which I was so proud of and so proud of her, my respect for her was at an all time high my love for her was so deep everything I felt was genuine and I always made a point of telling her these thing.One day things started to change a little because one of the classes she attended had a male teacher and call it intuition or what ever else but I started getting a feeling that she was starting to admire this teacher and hold him in high esteem,when I asked my wife about this which was almost a year and a half ago, she told me that all it was that he was a goood teacher with a good and kind manner and was the same with anybody and that she just liked being in the class with all her new found freinds with the same interests as her.My wife had always been totally for me and I trusted her 100% as I always believe that know one else had ever turned her head enough to make her totally interested. As things progressed with her classes she started attending more things associated with her classes and even doing an additional class on a different day with still the same teacher and some of the same people that attended her other class,the way she spoke about this teacher was starting to make me wonder,at the same time because we work together and share the same computer system at the time, I found out by pure chance by typing in a letter of the alphabet to search for something and up popped his name in the google search engine that she had starting E-mailing this teacher outside class, I was absolutley floored by this and after thinking for a period of time and trying to figure out what to do, I faced up to the situation and in a calm manner asked my wife if she had been in contact with him, she told me yes and that she had been enquiring about things to do with the class which I did not really believe this, but after a lot of talking and convincing I had for my own sake and hers believe her. We had a holiday booked for our silver wedding and it was our holiday of a lifetime so I thought well now is the time if there is something going on to at least tell me and then decide what to do. She constantly told me how much I meant to her and how much she respected me and that everything was alright, due to my depth of love and trust for her I dismissed it as something and nothing, but the day before we went on holiday once again his name turned up on her our computer in exactly the same way, I could not believe it and told her if there was someone else that I could not go on the holiday of a lifetime with 3 peaple in our relationship, she assured me this was not the case and she was only looking for something to do with the class, so off we went on our dream 25 years married holiday with all our freinds and family wishing us the best etc.That was last summer we came back and everything seemed to be as one complete unit total love and affection and we were so happy,my wife re-attended her new term of classes and was taking up new hobbies and fitness classes and my admiration of what she was doing was at an all time high, I respected her so much for her achievements and always told her so during this period, in October the teacher subject raised its ugly head as she had been giving him a lift back from classes which I was not happy about and then started to relise that it was that small period of time alone together that they were getting a chance to start to talk and get to know each other a little better, this started to cause problems although still no raised voices or arguments, she was always in at the same time so this eliminated them having time together or stop somewhere, so once again due to having no evidence or a previous trust issue I felt like I had no choice apart from to trust her as a person. Christmas came and when the new term started my wife had made a choice to have a break from this class, but after the 1st week and for every other week she would sit and cry her heart out about missing all her freinds at the classes and what she had being doing at the classes, it broke my heart to see her miss it so much that I sat and spoke to her about this and told her for her own sake that she should go back next term and that she had my full support, she started during that time re-attending the alternative class which the same teacher did, and re-enlisted for the next term back at the original classes she attended before the break, which would start in March this year.My wife through this period and for a number of years before had been getting fed up with her job in the company and it was getting her down but by attending these classes had opened up a whole new world to her, she lived for these classes as time moved on, I thought that would make her work situation a little better. After she re-attended the classes in March her mood seemed to totally change she had no interest in work, our house or social life and even our family, she was always on a downer hating every minute of her working day,I would constantly try to talk to her tell how much she meant to me and her role in the business, I told her she was her own boss and that any time she wanted just to take time for herself tried to encourage her to go to excersize classes which she always enjoyed but would only do it outside working hours, she was losing weight quickly, she was in contact with our family and freinds less and less, to the extent that everybody was starting to notice and ask me what was wrong with her, I made excuses about hormones changing, work and many others to cover up that there was a crisis happening in her life, I spoke to her, I asked her if there was anyone else, but constantly got told no there wasn't, I could never do that to someone like you etc,I totally believed all the problems were work related, so when she started getting out the office during the day to get sometime to herself to think and get away from it all, I supported her and told her take as much time as you need to sort it out I will be here for you and I know better than any one what its like to go through a period of detesting work so I thought I could understand what she was going through.She was going out on a regular basis during the day then sometimes at teatime because she could stand being in the house or would stare out the window so I would tell her to get a bit of fresh air.I was really worried for her as I thought the way she was acting that she was going to slip into a deep depression, I cuddled her, told her I was here, I loved her and would do anything to help, give up my business I was so desperate to help her through this period, I told her to take all my love and strenght and make her better I would have done and gave anything to make her better.She told me all she needed was time to sort it out, she came in one night and for the first time hadn't bothered to go to one of her excersize classes as she could not face it and just wanted to sit in the car and think. I was so concerned that she was now not even going to some of the things she had once enjoyed, once again I cuddled and hugged her told her I was here we cried together and she said that she loved me and just needed time, so I gave her time as much as she needed.Then the almighty bang happened when after a number of different things happened and someone told me she had been seen entering a building during the day, and she had been in a card shop ,when I knew there were no birthdays due, I knew there and then this was not all about work or hormones or anything else that I was led to believe. I went to the card shop where I knew one of the staff who by coincidenence had also for a short period had a attended the same classes as my wife and knew who she was married too, I made up a story about my wife losing the card and sending me into replace it, she remember by good fortune and took me to the stand, when I got there it was all small love message cards and my heart sank. That night a Monday I will never forget I sat down in our bedroom and told her I knew there was something going on and after all our years if only one thing was left I deserved the truth, she denied there was anything going on, so I told her I had the proof and who had she been buying a card for, she got really angry and defensive and told me I was wrong and this would be the end of us, she stormed about saying she had bought a card for my birthday 5months upfront and tried to find a card to prove it, but she finally knew and so did I that it was way beyond the point of no return.She finally sat down on the bed and told me that she had been see'ing this teacher since March this year, first as so called freinds with nothing happening, then a bit of kissing and hand holding and then since May things had got physical between them. I was absolutely devasted as I totally believe that my wife has never had a sexual relationship with anyone else throughout our entire marraige, My world totally collasped and I had no idea what to do becuase one day I was totally in love trying to be there in her time of need and the next day words I could never have believed and feelings were totally destroying me.I asked her exactly what had been going on when and where,she started by saying that she had been building feeling for up to a year before hand, but nothing happenened, but then thats when it all came out, that all this time she had been taking of work to think and when she doing postal duties etc for the business and not coming back for an hour or two was when she was picking this teacher up and going away in our car together. She told me things had only got physical on a small number of ocasiions that most of the time they spoke because she enjoyed his company and they enjoyed talking and were only at the first stages of biulding things up,my heart was not breaking it felt like it was exploding all at one time, she was crying and telling me how sorry she was and didn't want to hurt me and she couldn't believe that she could have done this to me, I wanted all the details as I could not believe half of what she was telling me or I did not want to believe what I was hearing, she told me that she never went all the way as they never had contracption but she had oral sex with him and both of them masterbated each other, most of this in our car in seedy place that I will not mention because I still cannot quite belive that she would have gone to this place and on other ocassions at a remote spot that I had introduced her to for the veiw and the peace and quite. Things got heated but not out of control I was too devasted to even shout or storm about, I asked her how she had been able to pick him up and contact him and she told me she had his name in her phone under her best freinds name, I got her to give me the phone which she didn't want to for obvious reaseons and tried to call this man but his phone was turned off, she left the house late that night and I kept her phone and text this teacher for to meet me, I was so worried about my wife being out in the middle of the night on her own that I drove round all the places that I thought she might be she was in no state of mind and on top of everything else I was worried she might do something stupid. After sitting with her I told her she could come home so we could talk about all this, she did come back in the middle of the night and we sat up all night while more and more was revealed about time and places and what happended sexually, I was gutted everything had collapsed,I had to turn up for work in the morning after no sleep what so ever but at the first chance as I still had her phone I text this teacher and told him to meet me, although he thought it was my wife texting him at the place she told me where she picked him up on a number of ocasions.My wife had adoctors appointment that day so I knew she was there, and I already had it my mind that I had to confront this man and find out his side of the story and see if any of it matched my wifes story and also I knew if they wanted to be together that with all the love in the world that I had for her I could not stop this happening to me I had no control of what was happening to me. I had already decided that I would not hit or thump him as there was no dignity in that and thats what he would expect in the situation and that I would not tell his wife as I could not suffer the thought of another innocent person bieng as devasted as me due to no fault of there own. When this man appeared and seen me waiting instead of my wife he tried to about turn and run away so I had to shout that ther was no where to run too so he stopped and came to me. I told him my life was wrecked and did he love my wife as she had told me did, i asked him about his own wife and how she was going to feel, he then turned round and said that he did care about his wife and love her in his own way that he did not love my wife but enjoyed being with her, pretty obvious I suppose, we ended up there for 2--2.5 hours while I tried to contact my wife as I wanted this horrible mess to at least come to some conclusion, a lot longer than I ever wanted to be in the company of this person for, while I was there a lot of questions were asked and a lot of information given, he revealed that almost everytime my wife was away from work or getting some so called breathing space that infact she was with him and almost everytime they were together that something happened physically,he did also tell me as she had that they did try to go all the way but he could manage out of nerves or what ever else may be the reason, there story seemed to match on that front so I couldn't figure out whether it was something they had concocted together incase they were caught or whether this was true, or he was hell of unlucky, my wife told me they couldn't go all the way because they never had contraceptives but then it was revealed that he had got them but after that try he must have lost his confidence and didn't try that again so they just carried on doing the other things.I was away for a whole weekend during this period with other work comitments and found out through him and my wife that they were together almost every minute till the early hours in our car, my wife promises that she never had him at our house or went to his, because by coincidence his wife was away also on the Saturday and Sunday night, she told me that that would of been a step to far into both my and his wifes worlds and that she could not do that.I gave my wife the choice in front of this man when she came down to meet us if she wanted to go away with him, even although I knew inside if she had of my life would never recover from it all.When confronted this man acted in the most pathectic manner that I had ever encountered, I could not hit him even if I had of wanted to as it would have been the equivalant of running over a wounded animal and would have gave me no satisfaction in fact I would probably ended up feelin terrible for acting like a thug.During the conversation he said that he would never teach my wife again and would resign if she ever came back to his classes, I could not believe some of the things this person was sayijng so I asked him to repeat these things in front of my wife so she could hear it with her own ears which he did.Since that meeting 15 weeks ago I have never seen this man again even although he basically lives and works on my doorstep right down to the same shops, he told me that he would turn his head away if he ever seen my wife, which after a couple of weeks my wife was driving past him and did look at her and did not wave or anything my wife was really hurt by this, my wife has tried to contact him first by letter because she wanted answers from him as she feels totally used and for all the things he said to her while he was on the chase and while they were together, she then told her best freind what had been happening and she told her she must have answers so she could draw conclussion on this terrable affair or it will never go away for her and she will always wonder what it was all about, she then asked me if she could go through early before his classes started so she could face him and ask what it was all about, I was ditraught for almost 2weeks at the thought of her meeting him again to get answers and what he might come out with, I was not allowed to attend this meeting, she came back angry and upset at his answers as he told her "He got caught up in the moment" and "While he was kidding his self on he did care" this left my wife leaving with no no more conclussion that she went with, infact it seemed to make her more upset, I thought that was an end to it and that by this time she was telling me she couldn't believe what a terrible mistake she had made and that the whole thing was based on lies from him and that she had been taken in, I believed her that after seeing him face to face that she would draw an end to it or I would never have agreed to the meeting. The next night she took of after work and wrote him another letter asking him to put her mind at ease and that she had not been used and could lose everything over such lies, she text me to say that she had just wrote and sent this letter, once again my world turned upside dowm I felt betrayed I felt that my love for her was being totally abused and ended up in my own bedroom so upset I thought I was going to die with pain, my wife also on another ocasion tried to phone him at 4.15am in the morning because she was out at her best freinds and says she was drunk but new his phone would be turned off and tried to make contact by bumping into him knowing his movements and times but it din't quite happening due to timings. My wife is now a shell of the person she was before all of this happened she has been left angry,feeling cheap, full of guilt at what she has done to our marraige and her self, we have said that we want to work things out and go on forever. I have had to as painfull as it has been try to believe her, the main thing is that I have had to sit and ask myself if I can forgive her which I have had to say yes as without forgiveness we can never go on, I have had to believe that this was a horrendis mistake on her behalf so I can believe through time that I can trust her again,This teacher has never once replied to her to even taken any of the blame away from her and let her get on with her life, its almost like he wants her to be left broken or he is the biggest cold hearted coward in the world, I can not believe that my wife would have done these things or been treated like this by someone, it has also left me pushing all my feelings to the side while I desperatly try to be there for her and bring this woman that I love so much back to herself and from the brink, this is the reason I have came on this amazing site to try and finally allow some kind of emotional outpour for myself. I have not spoken to a single person in the whole world about this because I do not want freinds having oppinions saying there piece about what they would do if it was there wife, I do not not want friends oppinions changing about my wife and feeling sorry for me, I do not want my family to find out what there mother has been up to as it will change there oppinion forever,my wife has told her best friend about everything that went on which I do not mind although was some what nervous to say the least about coming face to face with her, but she treated me the same which she always did, I have gained a lot from her treatment of me, and she promises she won't tell her man who is also a freind of mine and to date has never gave any indication of knowing, either that he is hiding it well, my wife did also promise me that she would never tell another soul as the less people that knew the less chance there was of this coming out, but she then told her other freind who was also our bridesmaid all those years ago, I was absolutly hit for six when I found this out and have had to face her this weekend and she unlike the other freind made me feel totally uneasy and awkward. I feel like I can never get away from one huge body blow to another and sometimes wonder just how much more I can take before, everything is taken away from me, I love my wfe so much and she is telling me that it will all be ok and we will go from strenght to strenght, she is deeply sorry for all the pain and I do believe this,she says I am her knight in shining armour unlike the scumbag who has litterly ran away from her at the drop of a hat. I have to believe but why so much pain time after time. I used to be a confident person able to talk to people have a laugh, tell jokes in fact more confident than most due to running a business etc. I now feel like a nervous wreck, I feel so totally usless, I feel like a total loser,I feel ashamed, I have lost all my confidence sexually, yes we have tried on a few ocassions to rebuild things, so much so that for the first time in my entire life when my wife started touching me I end up ejaculating before anything even happened I then ended up roaring and crying and feel worthless and useless, I cant believe how much this has broken me and taken away from me, I am trying to stay strong for my wife as I know she needs me to be strong, I am trying to stay strong for my family and hide everything for them and I am trying to stay strong for me becuase without this I will give up the will to go on, How can you love someone so much and yet this just keeps rumbling on, my wife is not a bad person in fact quite the opposite, and I hope and pray this all works out. My wife has also posted on this site that is how I found out about it, and I hope some good comes out of having the chance to say all these thing, please please to any one out there who is either involved in an affair or especially if you are getting carried away and thinking of starting one, cause this kind of pain that I am enduring to any innocent human being in the world, surely it can not be worth it, please think about your actions before you destroy someones life, I will recover with the help of my wife and being able to honest forever and a day. Thankyou for listening to me..
View related questions:
a break, affair, best friend, cheap, christmas, confidence, depressed, drunk, her ex, kissing, money, on holiday, oral sex, period, soulmate, text, wedding Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2008): Sorry for my empassioned words saying your wife shouldn't bring his name up to you. Eve was right and I was wrong. I should've seen your love for each other is strong enough to openly share your true feelings...and his name would fade in time. I'm actually glad he proved to be a wimp, because your wife will look back on him as a bad memory. You're a hero to me too. Take Care and God Bless.
A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (14 November 2008):
 You probably got a lot off your chest seeing him again although it wouldn't all be pleasant but good for you James for giving him a piece of your mind. If you wanted to, then you could talk to the school board privately and tell him exactly what he's like and he'll be suspended/sacked from his night classes! Why should he get away scot free after all? That way your wife can go back to night classes knowing that she doesn't have to ever see him there teaching again. (Only a thought...)
You both enjoy your weekend and come back at some point and let us know how things are progressing. Much love to you and your wife.
~Eve~
...............................
A
male
reader, James45 +, writes (13 November 2008):
James45 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello to everyone again,Just another update, as I asked the question about my wife re-attending the classes previously discussed, and have had alot of valid replies on this situation, I will respond to them, it seems to be the general oppinion that she never re-attends the same place where this teacher is, I do believe that the way he has treated her after the event has changed her oppinion of who she thought he was and protrayed his self to be, she says she is over him and now has seen the harsh facts of time of how he has acted, we have spoken long,honestly and openly about everything as Askeve says, YES I would much rather that she was totally honest even if it hurts, rather than away telling friends things and I was left wondering what exactly had went on or what was going on, as I said before we have tried to keep this away from everybody and to date this is still the only place I have told my story and to date my wife has only told 2 friends as well as posting her story on this site too. I can not change the past as much as I would love to have the power to do that, but I can help along with my wife as a team to try and put this behind us and make a better future. Yes I do get upset at the amount of times his name or existance comes up but what am I meant to do tell her I not intersested or just to shut up,she needs my help and support to get through this, she needs to get this out her system and if it is me that she is doing that with then albeit, she is getting better and stronger, although she still has bad days, she constantly textes me at work, she constantly lets me know when she is going out shopping or anywhere else so I know where she is, this is to help me retrust her, funny that Askeve should use the words be her Rock because that is the term she has constantly used towards me saying I am her "knight in shining armour" and I have been her "Rock", she tells me from first thing in the morning to last thing at night that she loves me and me only now. We have booked a weekend away in a hotel and family shopping this weekend, we are giong away next weekend to share a mutual interest and social event that we love equally and we are planning our two weeks abroad next year, so there is lots of hope for the future, it is still hard and as male poster said their is things that I have to face but through time I hope all these images fade and disappear with the passing of time, YES I do want to be number one in her life only natural and she is going out her way again to make me feel like that, not becuase this scumbag treated my beautifull wife like dirt but because I believe that it has been a hard reality check for her and she has once again seen me for the man that she fell in love with and stayed with for so long, she says that I am strong because the way I have dealt with this and been there for her, yes I have pushed my feelings on to the back burner in order to help her become strong again, and so she can love herself and me and every one else who is really important. Yes it would have been easy to throw in the towel walk away from the pain and start again probably a lot easier that staying and fighting for your very existance but what do you do when you totally and absolutely love someone with all your heart, do you go through life without forgiving one mistake, I am not perfect I have made so many mistakes just not one like this but maybe everybit as bad in different ways, I know that there was no excuse to do something like this to our marriage, and hope that no-one else ever has to endure my pain, but I do hope through time and as a team we can put all of this behind us even if it does leave a scar. It was mentioned about renewing our vows, I had already thought of this and had wanted to do this as many of our friends have and are doing this too, I did want to do during our silver wedding year but I already had a feeling her head was elsewhere,just didn't have hard facts, and always wanted it to be perfect if we did it again, so unfortunatly it was not to be which still hurts but who knows I would love to think that we will be able to do it in the future when this has died a death and we only totally have each other again. As far as the classes go this is still a major cause of hurt, pain and loss for both me and my wife, it hurts when we talk about it which is on a daily basis as it seems to inevetivally bring up him and other things related, it causes lots of pain to both of us for different reasons pain to me because had she never went there she would never have met this teacher and to her for for lots of reasons I have previously stated. Loss because the classes meant so much more to her than just him, she was doing something there that she had always wanted to learn, new friends, achievement, nights out with other members of the class as wll as him bieng present unfortunatly, it really did mean the world to her even taking him out the eqausion, I have stated before how it is important that my wife becomes the whole round person again that I loved and admired, she still yearns for the class and constantly re-assures me that she could and would only ever re-attend with my total and absolute consent and approval and would not go back if I did not agree, I still don't know that I am strong enough for that one though, even although it kills me that she has lost so much because of this one thing. I did say before that this so called teacher said that he would never teach her again and would resign if she went back.She told him on more than one occassion that it would kill her if she ever lost her classes through what they were doing but he constanly told her they wouldn't get caught so it wouldn't come down to that and she thought it would end before they were caught,well he didn't really care how much it was going to kill her they did get caught and then he slammed the door in her face knowing what she had told him about the classes how can anyone be so much out for there self that they would keep it going and then be the one to inflict do much pain there after. Well we both know that he said that to protect his own life and career and keep her out of the picture in case it brought any trouble to his door step, It has angered me that this man was so quick to protect his own and did not allow us to discuss and decide what was best for her, he took away the power for us to make our own decisions about what was best for our future he closed the door on her once and for all barred her from the class so to say.I have discussed this and always new that he should never been allowed to make that decision, as I previously said unfortunatly this pathectic cowardly, dishonarble teacher, lives and works on my doorstep so to say, well GUESS what when I was going to the shop last night,guess who was going home from his class, past my door when I was on the way back from the shop, first time in 17.5 weeks I had seen him, I always new I would bang into him to close for comfort and what I would say when I seen him, I have had so many long hours thinking about it all and seen my devasted wife left with no answers to anything, he had ignored her cries for closure, was he still trying to keep her in some sick way on a hook who knows. Well she never got any answers so it was my shout, and YES I did shout, this person acted in the way that he had over the last 18 weeks even towards me, he was pathectic, cowardly, and all he did was act so sorry for himself, well I took back the power for me and my wife NO I never smashed him to a pulp, I am stronger than that hitting a coward is to easy, he just done the same as the first meeting saying sorry over and over again, but never once did he really say sorry to me or to what he had done or ever say please say sorry to your wife for me as I have never told her myself, he knew by her letters that she did not want to start anything ever again she told him she only wanted peace of mind and closure as any woman would do, all he tried to do was defuse and get me to feel sorry for him, his wife and family and friends and other pupils have know idea of what he has been upto, yes he has kept the whole mess well away from his life so can carry on as normal, I asked if they new he said no, I told him in no uncertain terms how my wife had been left to feel, how the loss of classes ahd destroyed her how she was left to feel used cheap and treated like a common tart, I told him how we had been left to get over this while got of scott free, yes he would not reply in anyway to my wife but here he was have to face upto it all now, I took back the power because he barred her from his class. he had no right to do that, WE would decide NOT him if she could ever re-attend the classes, yes he could resign but this teacher is so pathetic in the way he acts its unbelievable he never would resign he only said that so he stoppeed any discomfort for himself or the chance my wife exploded or slapped his face in front of anybody, eveything was about him and protecting his own existance, he has been left with this so he will never know if she will be back or not, now he has something to live with since he has been so cold and callous with all his actions, I still waited on him saying please say sorry to you wife for everything I have done and how I ahve acted afterwards in making her feel this way, well guess what NOT one word, he constantly turned things on himself to make out what a sorry little life he lives, HE was pathectic, oh how I wish my wife had of been with me to see it all and have her say and see him act once again in the same manner as our first meeting,my wife phoned me to see why I had been away at the shop for so long while I was face to face with him, and she knew by my manner on the phone that I had obviously ran into the cowardly ratbag. I came back to the house after telling him what I thought of him, I felt like I had finally had my say and there is no more I can do, I took back something for us where he has no say in what we choose and has had to actually face up to one of us hearing loudly and clearly what he has done and how he made her feel by his actions, I now feel that I can finally start to move on with puting some of my own feelings first as there is no more I can do to get answers for my wife, I have been left feeling sad that I have had to endure this again but at least thats it as far as I am concerned, time to let myself heal, I prey my wife will do as she keeps telling me that she will make it up to us and that she will never allow anything like this to happen again, now all we need to do is let time pass,time will build trust, never take each other for granted although I don't think we really did that before anyway it was more down to trusting and bieng comfortable for me, yes work very hard as we always did to make our marriage last, work harder than before, and hope this makes us stronger and closer in the long run, my wife says it will I am sure it will too, sorry these messages are so long but it is the only way I can get it all out, Thank God for this site and all the fantastic people who take the time to help others free of charge and with such dedication, it has restored my faith in human nature when I was at my lowest ebb ever in life, Thankyou for bieng there for me it has meant so much and all your oppinions have been taken on board, I wish you all the very best in life and hope no one in the future ever has to endure a similiar pain. Thankyou and all take care. James
...............................
A
male
reader, James45 +, writes (13 November 2008):
James45 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello everyone again who has taken the time to reply to my postings, I didn't really expect to be replying again so quickly but as so many of you have taken there own free time to help me through this I thought I better come in at this stage. I am trying to take this in stages to see how things are going and so I can give an honest update. I did know as I said before that there would be differences of oppinions and fully take on board and respect other peoples oppinions good, bad and indifferent and how they would handle my situation if they were in it.I suppose I have to respond in some way to the Anonymous male poster over the last couple of days who has said some hard hitting comments, my wife didn't just come back to me becuase this other person didn't feel the same, if you read my first post, the day I confronted this man face to face and with my wife there I gave them the chance if they really wanted each other to leave from that meeting and my marriage was over there and then, as I said I would have been devasted but I had execpted that if she did wan't him and not me and he wanted her I could not have stopped it anyway, she chose and was not forced in anyway to leave that meeting and come home with me, that was the start of her own choices to be with who she really wanted,she has told me repeatedly that she never actually stopped loving me as a person it was that old bombshell I Love you but I'm not in love with you,yes she did put him first throughout that period I do know that and it really hurts, yes I will be honest with you as I have been and will be all the way through this, you say you would have commited suicide if had been you, these thoughts have entered my head espcially in the beginning but is that not the cowards way out and what about the devastion that it leaves behind to family and freinds,I have no intentions of living a life of crucifiction,I would never allow myself to go through anything like this again, I do have some pride left in myself, I have to believe her that she is truly sorry, it was what ever you want to call it a mid life crisis,temporary madness, what ever you want to use as a reason.I have also said that I went through a rough patch and have taken my share of the blame. I totally beleive as I have said that this was a one off mistake and that she would never do this to me again or to herself again, she has constantly try re-assure me about her feelings, and that nothing like this will ever happen again, she tells me everyday time and time again that she loves me and can not beleive that she could ever have done such a terrible thing,she is also shouldering the blame, we have always been open, honest and able to discuss everything in the past and certainly in the present sometimes its all we talk about,you ask why I am the one giving so much re-assurance, number one my wife was and still is the most important person in my life, I have watched and had to experiance a beautifull, intellegent, kind natured human being who I shared 27years growing up with, a person who nurtured and brought our children up and guided them into this world my partner who I work beside, slept beside and shared everything with,and who was there and stood by while I struggled with stress and yea probably a period of depression, who looked after herself and had lots of interesting hobbies which I admired her for and respected her for, turn into a complete and total empty broken shell of a person, a person who I knew was also have bad thoughts about not being on this planet anymore, the mother of our children crumbling and broken, lost everything her self respect her pride, her values, who cried every waking and sleeping moment, not just because she couldn't have him, but because she relised what it had done to us, me and everything she had always valued, what was I to do, walk away and start again leave her crippled and possibly worse, one day I have a normal marriage next day it comes out, what do I do turn my feelings to hate and un-forgiveness overnight, I wish it had of been that easy, sometimes you have to fight for what you really wan't this was just a bigger fight than I ever expected to have to face up to, but one that was never going to be easy to get through, I do not know if you have experianced the same problems as me with a partner and you walked away from it started a new life over, but I would imagine stay or go that all these thoughts that are encountered would be there whether I had of left or becuase I stayed to fight for something I thouhgt was worthwhile. I no men have a different oppinion on these situations I have always been the kind of man that when speaking to other men always said and agreed with the famous one " If my wife did that she would be out on her ear" " I wouldn't stand for that" " I would blame my wife for mucking about becuase you cant blame the man he was only taking the opportunity he was being given" Yes I said all these things before as you say it was thrown in my face, I hope and prey never to be second best again I hope that we can build up the physical side again and be far better because we have the time places romance love and comfort to make it special and REAL,as it has been in the past. I already to a certain extent do look at my wife in the same way,with love respect and hope, and hope also that, that saying time is a great healer comes into play for both of us. I do value your oppinion and hope your feelings don't come from a similiar experiance, I take on board "the classes one, as that is a major hicup" and one I am faced with daily. Thankyou for wishing all the best and I return the same to you. James
...............................
A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (13 November 2008):
I don't think she ever fell out of love with him, she was taken in by this man's charms, he was exciting and swept her off her feet and before she knew what was happening she was in too deep. This is usually how ALL affairs start! After being married 25 years things can sometimes become dull and habitual, (doesn't mean the couple don't love one another any more) one partner can take the other for granted (which did happen here to an extent) but they got through it until the evening classes began.
I agree that after talking all of this out they DO need to put it all behind them and make a new start, hence the reason I suggested a holiday for them both. To James: you could even renew your vows if you both thought it would help wipe the slate clean. It will take time for the trust to build again (for James) and the guilt to subside (for his wife) but like I said before, in my opinion I feel that this marriage is still strong enough to withstand everything that has been battered and thrown at them. The love between them both is so deep! (The wife still can't believe what she did and to what extent). I say put the past behind you both now and concentrate on your future together!
~Eve~
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2008): Yes but in those 25 years she just recently fell out of love for him and cheated on him, it's like having those years thrown back in his face. This must be a completely new start because people don't see their spouses in the same way anymore after something like this.
...............................
A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (13 November 2008):
You and your wife have been together 25 years, in that time you have become best friends as well as lovers. I disagree with glownatural, and I think it's admirable that she CAN come to you as honestly and openly as she has and I think it's even more admirable that you are strong enough and prepared to be able to listen to her and between you, try to sort this whole mess out. It's evident she is sorry for what's happened and also evident that you love her very much. At least this way she's opening up to you and telling you how she's feeling. Would you rather she did that with a girlfriend and you didn't know what was going on?
Sure it's hard, sure you're human... things just got way out of hand, she's suffering for it now in lots of different ways, she's just confused now and feels used, lied to and dirty, her head is all over the place. She's seen how men can "tell you what you want to hear" and can't believe that it was all a sham and how stupid she was to fall for it. She's only battering ideas back and forth. "she says that she could re-attend the classes without any feelings towards him and get on with what she was meant to be there for in the first place..." Again, it's only an idea, a thought, it doesn't mean she would actually do it.
My advice to you both is to take a holiday away from all of this, put it behind you and LEARN from it! No matter how much we love our spouse, we can never ever take them for granted. Marriage needs to be worked at continually, it not easy. I still think the bonds between you are strong enough to withstand this and I wish you both all the best. Remember... she'll say lots of things to you that are going through her head, she's so full of emotion right now, just LISTEN and be her rock, be there for one another and you WILL get through this and be all the stronger for it.
~Eve~
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2008): Mr. Anonymous has given us a good reality check. It's hard not to get caught up in all your emotions and love for your wife, but there needs to be some healthy boundaries to protect your marriage. For instance, she shouldn't be 'unloading' all her feelings or anger about this man on You. I think it's insensitive she brings up his name to you, even in a negative way.(personally, my husband doesn't want me to bring up an Ex-Boyfriends name!) It's another way That Guy comes between you two. If she wants to vent, then it should be on this site or with a trusted friend. I also think she should be going out-of-her-way to Avoid being anywhere near him...that would show she cares to earn back your trust. And if she's serious about saving the marriage, she should Never, ever, ever consider taking a class with him. You haven't reached your breaking point, but I believe that would do it.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2008): And to add a little more, if she does decide to go back to his classes, that must surely be the final straw?
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2008): I don't understand, I really don't. Your wife 'lost her love for you' and came back to you (I'd like to say 'crawling') only when she realised that he didn't feel the same way back, and only then all the old feelings for you came back.Why are 'you' the one giving so much assurance? If she truly loved you she would already have all the closure she needed. On top of all the hurt she caused you she is even 'considering' going back to his classes!? This just seems utter selfishness to me and total inconsideration on her part.If I was in your position and doing all that you were doing and letting yourself go through, I'd have comitted suicide by now.I'm sure both you and your wife's love is genuine and she truly feels sorry and wants to work through this. But it doesn't look as though your wife seems to consider your feelings as much as you are judging by her behaviour as you've been describing it.So she falls out of love for you, breaks your heart and could have probably continued the affair, realises too late that she had it good all along, but now that she's back in love with you she's not giving you much back emotionally while you're giving so much back.In my opinion it's too little too late and that you should have broken it off, despite how you both feel for each other, a seperation no matter how tearful would have been the best route.As I see it you're just putting yourself up for a life of crucifiction 'because' you love her too much. Everytime you touch her and see her react you'd know that she reacted better with another man while she was with you, everytime she looks at you with love in her eyes you'd know that she looked at another the same way while she was with you. You'd always know that you're second best to what she had. Why are you putting yourself through this after this betrayal?If somehow, someway things work out between you, then I hope for all the best between you two. I am honestly feeling for you, pal.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2008): Oh my Lord, I am sitting raeding this with tears in my eyes, as other Aunts have said,I have so much feelings towards you and your wife, you have explained all of your problems in such an understanding beautiful way, you take blame and give forgiveness what more can I say, I do hope that your wife takes time to discuss withyou about these classes she want's to re-attend,it must be agony for you to think that she may return to the very center of what caused both of you so much pain. I also think missing her friends is one thing but to re-join her course Mmmmm I wonder what harm this would cause to the both of you.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2008): You would be taking a big chance to agree to her re-attending this course again, as the last person says even if she is going back to make him suffer, will he not try and win his way back into her affections to get his own way again or stop her from making him pay for how he treated her, I think if your wife loves you as much as you say that she is telling you she would not think about making you suffer any more, I think you also must be very loving as you could even consider this proposition, no matter how much you re-build your trust she met this man at the course she was attending and you would worry that she was chatting away to him or she still holds even resentment towards him. Have you asked her why she would want to put you and herself through this kind of pain again. She treated you poorly by doing this but has made ammends to work things out by what you say, he makes her feel cheap, dirty, low in self asteem and doesn't care after the event, yet she still can re-attend this class, be carefull you not being to forgiving and that she is not taking advantage of your love for her. I do believe reading this story that she must be the luckiest woman in the world to have you still around about her,you have openly admitted your mistakes and took responsability which is unussuall in its self, I wish you all the best as you seem to be a forgiving, loving man, but be carefull before you let this man back into your lifes in anyway, ask your wife to take up other interests, probably do her the world of good not have to see him, she needs to feel good about herself and not give you any more worries. Seems the right answer all round. Take care you are better man than most a quality not often found anymore.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2008): All I can say is, "What an incredible Man you are!"
Your depth of love for your wife is admirable and not seen very often in this world :)
Time will heal this wound, but will leave a scar. (every marriage has scars) It sounds as though your love for each other has grown stronger and brought you closer together. It's just that I don't think your wife has complete closure over this affair. I think women get attached emotionally, and I've heard it can take as long to 'get over' these feelings as the time they've put into it.
This doesn't mean she wants to BE with him at all. She seems to be holding a 'grudge' and deep resentment for him...which shows she hasn't let go of him completely. (one thought is: she may want to be in his class to 'make him suffer' so he feels the same rejection) But of course, this is unwise to stir up any feelings with each other again.
She feels deeply. This is a good quality. Again, if you are willing to be patient and love her through this, your marriage will go to a deeper level of love. Take Care!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2008): Hello James, my heart bleeds for you, I agree with askeve, how can your wife even think of putting herself back in this position and even more so how can she think of putting you in this position. You must be the most forgiving man on earth to even think about allowing her to go back to where this man is in a position to talk his way out of what he has done to her and you, or try and take advantage of her again. I have to say that I would not allow my partner to go anywhere near the person they had an affair with but I suppose you are different to even consider it.I hope you speak to your wife about this so she can see what kind of husband you are,as you say you are keeping this private, she deserves to know how you feel, there must be hundreds of woman out there who have been thrown to the lions after doing something like this to there marriage, yet still you try to look at things from her angle, you are to good by the sounds of it to be treated this way. 25 years of marriage and forgiveness on your scale, I hope she can see what a wonderfull man you appear to be, I think you would be a great prize for any woman out there, especially one that wouldn't want to put through the pain that you have spoke about. All I can say is you must love her a lot to even consider her going back to this class. As other people have said I feel for you and wish you all the best with your marriage and future. Good Luck, Jane x
...............................
A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (7 November 2008):
Missing her friends is one thing, joining the class again with HIM as the teacher is quite another. Not for the fact anything would start up again, I don't think it would, not for a minute, but why put herself through that agony? No matter what she says, she would never be able to concentrate on the class, doing this would only remind her of all the negative things she feels for herself and of how he used her. If she wants to heal James then this is definitely NOT the right way to go about it.
There is no reason why she can't keep in touch with her friends and meet them for lunch etc. They don't need to know anything about what happened, she just can't manage on those nights any more... end of!
The less she sees of this man the better, for her and for you. Put yourself in her shoes, how would you feel if the roles were reversed? Would you even want this man (woman in your case) teaching you again? Okay so she made a mistake, she's not perfect, but she shouldn't even be thinking about going back to his class (as innocent as it would be), she will only be feeding the negativities inside her. Much better to let it die a death and put it to rest once and for all and keep in touch with her friends through other means.
~Eve~
...............................
A
male
reader, James45 +, writes (7 November 2008):
James45 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello everyone, well I ahve left it for a week and a half before I posted again to see how I feel and how things are going, I would like to thank everyone for their replies, experiences and help through this difficult period of my life. Some of the answers about ending etc are hard hitting but I understand different people have different ways of dealing with things so I accept their oppinion, it is nice to hear from people who have experienced similiar situations and has made me think long and hard about things. To give you an update, I am still with my wife as I still had hoped for deep down, and we are working away hard at trying to recover from this heartbreak, I am still a little in shock at what she has done to us as I know she is too, we spent last weekend together every minute sharing talking and spending quality time together alone, this seem to make my wife a little better, we did talk about the other person and as ussuall a lot of things about how he has basically treated her like dirt came up, I know she has a mixture of feelings which is keeping her feeling low in self asteem but hopefully with me sticking by and trying to re-assure her about herself and this mistake she has made she will come back out stronger than ever and hopefully as a united team. I am still low in confidence and struggle a lot to clear images and things we have spoke about from my head, I hope through time and re-assurance this will fade away, sooner rather than later? we have spoke intensly about our past, present and future, my wife asures me that all her feelings, have came back for me, she says she can't believe that she has done such a terrible thing to me and she also can't believe how this so called teacher has still never replied to her and has basically went underground, she says that she only wanted re-assurances that she meant something to him and that she wasn't just used for getting his leg over, so she could draw closure to the situation, but we have been left with her feeling like she is cheap and was used by a married man who had all the right things to say at the time but who has now repeatedly ignored her cries for closure she told him in letters that she did not want to start anything up ever again but just put her mind at rest, last week she took steps to draw closure by sending him back someting he gave her in the post, I posted it for her, she also posted up her story on this site and had a lot of replies, I have not seen her page yet and she has not seen mine as we made an agreement that it was to be kept private until we decide to share our stories with each other (ciber therapy I suppose)She E-mailed the whole page to this guy with my knowledge and slight discomfort I have to say but we talk about it before hand, he would have been able to see exactly how she and eveyone else feels about our and her situation but stiil a golden silence. She now says that is the lasdt thing she can do to try and draw closure for her own mind as he is obviouly not going to say or do anything about what happened, I am glad that she has made this desicion as i have had it hanging over me for 16--17 weeks now about this constantly looking for answers which has been terrible to cope with and also hopefully allows us to move on now. I have one major dilema that I do not not know what to do about. As I said before she attended 2 classes where this teacher was and has now given up both classes, she has attended a similiar class at a different college but the classes are very quite and the peple not so friendly, this is making her miss the friends that she made on her other courses a lot, she had lunch with one of her old class mates this week and her hurt her a lot hearing how everybody was asking for her etc, as they do not know why she has stopped attending even worse this teacher has started up an additional class which is on our doorstep again, she says that she has no good feelings left towards him after the way he has treated her in the aftermath but she is totally cut up about the classes and the people in it, she feels like she has lost so much, she says that she could re-attend the classes without any feelings towards him and get on with what she was meant to be ther for in the first place, she says there was little to no contact in the classes anyway so no0one else would notice, I am in a complete pickle about this as i want my wife to be a whole person again with a happy life that she feels content with, is it possible that she could ever re-attend this class where this teacher is and I could totally trust her that nothing would ever re-ignite again, do I have to be bigger than most or would I be setting my self up for heartbreak and worry, I have forgiven her as it is her only mistake to date but what do I do with this situation. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thankyou James
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2008): I have read your posting and my heart is bleeding for you.
Lots have been said. I don't have much to add. I do believe and agree with "Ask Eve", if you are determined you can overcome this, you can make your marriage work. It will take a lot of patience, a lot of adjustments, a lot of forgiving, a lot of love and lots of hope and trust that in time you will be able to put this behind you.
I want to leave this quote by Ursula K. Leguin with you:
" Love doesn't just sit there, like a stone.
It has to be made like bread: remade all the time, made new".
You are in my thoughts, keep us posted.
...............................
A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (30 October 2008):
I felt so much empathy for you when I read your post and I can understand how hard this will be for you both. You had/have a wonderful marriage, closer than a lot of couples ever have in a lifetime, don't throw that away. I believe you are both strong enough to come through this and will be all the stronger for it in time.
We all make mistakes and I'm sure you're wife is hurting in all of this too. After all, she was the one that cheated, she also knows now it was a fling and meant nothing to him, she was used and feels dirty, used, let down and riddled with guilt for what she did. She'll be asking herself over and over again "why did I do this? Why did I jeopardise my marriage for this slimeball?" "How must my husband be feeling?" "Will he ever be able to forgive me?" and lots more besides.
This guy charmed her, he was a smooth talker and took advantage of your wife. It was exciting to her and things got totally out of control but it's in the past now and everything's out in the open. You were phenomenal in your actions and the way you handled the situation, I admire you for that. You kept your cool, took control and dealt with it! I bet your wife is so glad it's all out in the open now and she has no secrets from you now. It will take a while for you both to heal from this and for the trust to be built up again. Build on what you have NOW with her and try to put the whole horrendous business behind you. Take a holiday together so you can both focus solely on each other for a week or so, different surroundings away from work and family.
We all do things we're not proud of, it doesn't make us a bad person though. I have over 20 years experience as a Relationships Counseller and have spoken with too many clients in the past who have been through the same thing as you have. I can usually tell with hindsight the ones who are going to make it and the ones who aren't strong enough to let go what happened and work to build the bond up again. You and your wife ARE strong, you'll get through this! Appreciate one another and never take one another for granted. Don't hold this against her or resentment will build. Keep the lines of communication open, always be honest and spend quality time with one another and the trust will build again. It will take time and soon it will be nothing more than a bad memory.
I wish both of you all the very best in the future.
~Eve~
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2008): Breaking 27 years of trust is a huge thing. To continue to stay with her would be emotonal torture for the rest of your life that the woman you love willingly gave herself away to someone while you were faithful.My advice to you is to let your marriage end and find someone else. It's not worth the pain to stay.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2008): Not sure it will ever go away its about forgiveness and moving on. You will know in time - I think you are amazingly supportive. One thing - affairs when they come out are a very private issue so keep it that way otherwise things always stirred up. I cheated on my husband and I told him but made the mistake of telling my parents as things were such a mess. They got way too 'involved' and my dad is judgmental saying my relationship is now 'flawed' some people never let you move on even if you want to.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2008): I am going through the same thing and I know recovery is indeed not that easy. My heart is with you.
...............................
A
female
reader, famous12  +, writes (28 October 2008):
I'm very sorry about what happened. I support your decision not to tell your family and friends. My boyfriend recently found out that his father had had an affair, and it has forever changed the way he sees his father. There's no excuse for what your wife did, but she is human, and everyone messes up. You sound like a very supportive husband, and I'm sure she'll appreciate that (and maybe even learn from it) as you two try to rebuild your trust.
...............................
A
female
reader, JustChillin +, writes (28 October 2008):
 Dear James45,
I'm so sorry for the pain you must certainly be feeling right now. However, I'm going to suggest that after so many years with your wife, don't be so quick to just throw it all away.
Yes, your wife has done a horrible thing by cheating, but I truly believe that your marriage could be saved if you two would seek out some marriage counseling. Sometimes just having a third party to listen to the whole situation, can help.
It sounds like you two have had a very good relationship up until this happened. By no means am I making lightly of her wrong doing, but it seems that there was something that lead her astray. By going to a counselor, they can possibly discover why this happened.
She has most certainly made a huge mistake by doing this and the trust of 25 plus years has been broken!! While it will take a great deal of healing on your part, I truly believe that with time and counseling, you can mend this broken marriage.
I hope the best for you and hopefully time will heal your broken heart.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2008): Hello brother!
Love comes and goes between and amongst people and why keep it all for yourself? If your wife loves another man as well as you, why try to control her? Love sets a person free. Love is its own entity...why do we try to keep it, harness it, hold onto it like we own it, control people, inhibit the flow of love? Forget trying to control love...share it.
Love yourself more than anything or anyone else! Take back your happiness. I would recommend personal therapy, not couples therapy. It has helped me alot just letting out my feelings to someone else, much like you did here. You have taken a step in the right direction. Own your feelings. Jealousy, abandonment, fear, frustration: these are all VALID. These feelings are all human...we all experience them when we play the game of love. That does not mean that you can control love or another free person.
Good luck
...............................
|
