A
female
age
30-35,
*ubblygirl
writes:My sister is a master manipulator. Over the past year, since getting engaged, not only has she tried to get money out of me for stuff we borrowed, as well as bringing money for family suppers (instead of food), but she also has tried to interfere or put down all wedding decisions, including my choice of dress, flowers, music, etc. I unfortunately asked her over a year ago if she would be my matron of honor ( before any of this happened)So for the past year, I have tried to ignore it and live my life and plan our wedding. However, with holiday season upon us and the wedding only getting closer ( 6 months away), this tactic hasn’t worked. She refuses to be in the same room as me, won’t let me see her kid (my niece), and my parents are now asking what is going on. They are now saying this wedding is ruining the family by tearing us apart. The thing is, I don’t know what her problem is. So now, I tried to set up a date to chat it out (with witnesses of course), but when I texted her to see if this is possible (she won’t answer the phone when I call), she claimed to not know what the big problem is. She also says she’s super busy and won’t try to find any set date to meet.I’m at my wits end. I just want this over with! What is going on? How do I move forward peacefully with wedding planning without stress of her all the time? I tried to ignore her. It hasn’t gone away. So I tried to set a date to chat, but she won’t make time. Now what?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2015): I just had a little look at the older question that you posted that aunty bimbim is talking about. It seems that all of these things your sister has apparently been saying has been told to you by somebody else. She hasn't said any of these things to you, it's all coming from other people. Have you thought that maybe the rest of your family are trying to paint her out to be the bad guy? Do you think maybe the comments about your venue and dress are something your mother is thinking?I don't know, not to put your other family members in a bad light, but you've gotten really upset with your sister and she hasn't said any of these things to you. Because you're upset and she probably has no idea why as people are talking behind HER back she's now getting upset with you too as you are growing to really get annoyed with her.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (15 December 2015):
 Those are all suggested ways to address your parents' issues. Ask them to clarify, ask them to help you understand, clue them in that you are in the dark as to why your sister is being so difficult.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (15 December 2015):
"She refuses to be in the same room as me, won’t let me see her kid (my niece), and my parents are now asking what is going on. They are now saying this wedding is ruining the family by tearing us apart."
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Mom, Dad, I'm not sure what's going on either. You say the wedding is ruining the family by tearing us apart. How do you think it's tearing us apart and what specifically do you suggest should happen to keep that from happening?
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I'm sorry to hear that you feel this wedding is tearing the family apart. Can you be specific as to how that's happening and why you think that's happening? I'm trying to understand it too. I'd love to discuss it with Griselda but I can't seem to get her on the phone or organize seeing her. Perhaps you could invite her over without telling her that I'll be there too and then we can all sit down and talk things out?
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I'm confused and perplexed and puzzled as to how to address your concerns, I don't know that the problem is and so have no idea how to even begin to solve things. Could you please provide some background and context?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2015): How much money is the stuff you borrowed from her worth to begin with? Is this the issue because obviously weddings are very expensive, maybe she is wondering how you can spend that if you've not paid for the things you've borrowed.Secondly, my sister is getting married next year and although I have exactly the same taste as her and think everything she has in mind is beautiful my mother and older sister don't like some things quite as much.My sister asks for everybodies opinions and my mother isn't being at all mean when she says she prefers something else but I've noticed my sister can get a bit offended thinking that people don't like her ideas. Do you think maybe you felt a bit offended when she didnt like things as much as you? Are you taking her suggestions as criticism when she just thinks she's giving an opinion.My sister is getting really worked up about her wedding and she's going to have a meltdown if she doesn't chill out a bit, do you think maybe you are a bit stressed too. On the other hand you could be right and she is being a pain about it all, do you think she may be jealous? Some women get like that when the spot light is on somebody else.I agree with the other reply, you don't need witnesses around when you talk to your sister, if I fell out with family and they suggested witnesses be present to talk I'd be a bit freaked out!At the end of the day if your mother is wondering what's going on just tell her, perhaps she can be a bit of a peace maker in all of this.
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A
female
reader, Keeley345  +, writes (15 December 2015):
Weddings in any situation can be a huge headache. Families bickering, trying to out do each other etc the list is endless. This is YOUR wedding day. A day that's meant to be happy but sounds like your sister is putting a dampener on things.Is she younger or older than you? Is she married herself? If you look at these questions they'll give you an idea of what may be bothering her. It could be jealousy or feeling like she's not getting attention as the youngest or feeling left behind as the oldest. But you say she is manipulative so sounds like she has been trouble for years. Yes. Meeting with her is a good idea but if she won't reply to your calls etc how about writing her a letter and showing it to witnesses before sending it to her? You'll get to say what you need to this way. I'd suggest allowing her to be your matron of honor but maybe give the responsibility that comes with that e.g arranging things, to someone else. That could relieve stress. I do feel for you though and wish you the best of luck and happiness for your wedding. Shame your sister can't enjoy the excitement with you like other sisters would.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (15 December 2015):
 It seems the situation and your relationship your sister has deteriorated since you last wrote to Dear Cupid:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/manipulator-sisterat-my-wits-end-please-help.html
Did you consider that many of the problems between the two of you may have been caused by you listening to your niece (how old is this niece) instead of talking to your sister?
Sometimes we need to take a step back and have a good long look at the big picture, while asking ourselves if we had contributed to making the mess that faces us.
Unless you are fearful for your life you do not need witnesses to be present when you talk to your sister.
I think you have both made mistakes here, and somebody has to make the first move ...... forget the witnesses for heavens sake, talk about stirring up an ants nest ....... extend a hand towards your sister, your sister may be hurting as much as you, think about the tone of your communications, if you are wanting to meetup with witnesses I doubt your communications are friendly or conciliatory.
You seem to be ignoring the fact the criticisms of your wedding plans by your sister ALL came from your niece.
Get off your high horse, extend the olive branch to your sister, and try to sort this mess out as adults, and forget the witnesses.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (15 December 2015):
 Inform her (and your parents) that you have decided to pick another MoH as your sister is far too busy and you don't want her to feel overwhelmed or stressed. Then DO so, and go ahead with the wedding as YOU see fit. If she makes any drama over it, tell her she can choose to not come, that your wedding is NOT about her and you don't need or want drama. My guess is also that you have been WAY to "people pleaser" with her and now that you are making your own choices she feels offended.
As for WHY she is acting this way? My guess is... she hates not being the center of attention. So instead she acts like a brat. IT IS NOT the wedding that is tearing your family apart - it's her sense of entitlement to make choices for YOUR wedding. And I'd be frank with your parents about that. They know what's going on but are refusing to acknowledge it.
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A
female
reader, suzzzque269 +, writes (15 December 2015):
 this ones simple...get someone else! sure shell get upset but oh well this is your wedding
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