A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone,Thank you so much for reading this. I am genuinely looking for advice regarding my marriage which is in a state of crisis right now. I will keep it as short as possible.TL;DR: I met my wife in an online relationship. We got married before spending significant time together in the same city. At the beginning I thought she was a bit on the thin side (5'7" 104 lbs, A cups). Now the issue begins to bother me more and more. All other aspects of her are great. Absolutely loyal, funny, very beautiful face, intelligent, shares my values, loves me, understands me, good tempered, no fight over money. We don't have other problems that I see such as abuse, affairs, mistrust, etc. She is absolutely reliable and I never have to worry about her having an affair.------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------I am a 34 year old male. Four years ago, I met my wife online and began a long-distance relationship. We immediately fell in love. Her intelligence, beautiful face, kind and fun personality, interest, values, loyalty really ignited a fire in me. However, at the time, I occasionally noticed, via video chat, that she is quite thin and has very small breasts. (5' 7" at about 103-105 lbs, A cups). I didn't find that aspect attractive but I thought all other parts of her was enough to "overcome" that.Over the two years we dated, we visited each other about 10 times and had good sex. But again, the thinnness bothered me when she walks around the house in a bathrobe or casual attire.Before we were able to spend significant time in the same location, we got married. I thought marriage would be simple. In some sense, I caved into pressure from her ultimatum asking for a marriage. I didn't want her to leave the relationship and me end up being alone.After she moved to my city and we began living together, this physical attraction problem began to bother me more and more over the last two years until now. The dissatisfaction kind of come and goes but has been increasing. More and more, I just feel that I crave for a more fit and athletic body with larger breasts.The act of sex itself is fine, there's no problem with arousal, but it is the day-to-day interactions that is the problem. I have a preference for B cups and a higher body mass.-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------I can see a few outcomes:1) I can stay in the marriage and somehow see if I can lower my expectation for a better-bodied partner. Not sure how I can do that. Would psychotherapy help? Is there a way to reprogram my brain to prefer thinner bodies?2) I can ask for a divorce. But my biggest fear is that I will find some other point of dissatisfaction with my next girlfriend and this cycle will repeat over and over again.3) She cannot seem to gain weight from eating. I could ask her to take some estrogen-enhancing supplements to gain weight and breast size. I know this sounds terrible sorry.----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------My biggest struggle is, ever since I was a young man in high school, I developed this inner image of the perfect woman to marry and live ever-happily after with. She would have the kind of beauty that I am attracted to (elegant face, elegant body), be intelligent, curious, kind personality, loyal. Basically everything my wife is plus a fuller body. I have been chasing this template for a long time. Is this really a realistic thing to do? How do I change my template and be happy with her as she is now? I always think that, somewhere out there, is someone who I can be ultimately happy with. But I might not be able to find her or she might not love me. So it's a probabilistic crapshoot. So how do we minimize regret? What's the best point to decide, "okay she is the one?"? Do we all eventually settle? Or do some people find that perfect someone.Thanks for reading,
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affair, boobs, breasts, divorce, fell in love, money, my ex Reply to this Question
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female
reader, mystiquek + ♥, writes (3 May 2018):
 Do your wife a favor. Divorce her, it would be the kindest thing you can do. You never should have "caved in" and married her feeling the dissatisfaction that you felt even then.
Your post saddens me although I know there are many people like you in the world, seeking perfection when no one can be perfect unless they are surgically modified. You are very immature and I doubt if time will wisen you. Yes, I agree with you that you will probably get divorced, seek another more "perfect" partner and then walk away from them because they have flaws as well.
There is nothing wrong with wanting our mate to be attractive to us, the mistake you made is marrying someone that fell short of your expectations and expecting them to change because YOU aren't happy.
I'm going to get a little mean now...I'd LOVE to know what you look like Mr. I seriously doubt if you are God's gift to women but we'll never know will we.
I thank the stars that I don't have a husband like you. I had cancer, lost my hair, lost alot of weight, lost all my curves, threw up, laid on the bathroom floor so sick I couldn't move and yet my husband still loved the unattractive mess that I was then. He married me when I was attractive but he loved me for better or worse. Thank God I didn't marry someone like you.
Grow up little man.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2018): @janniepeg,
It's not offensive that men have a preference for non-skinny women. I have also grown up with this from my mother. What offends me, and other readers is knowing he had preferences, he still went ahead and married. And the extent to which he wants this woman to go to fulfill his preposterous idea of perfection.
Talking about his wife, whom he dated for TWO years, in a manner like she is some object that exists to fulfill his fantasy perfection...that's not only offensive but disturbing and sinister.
His pursuit for "perfecting" his wife by any means including medications, because she is the "entire" package -1 and his being afraid of finding other imperfections in other women, should he divorce his current wife, is majorly offensive. Maybe I'm reading too much into it, but if he has considered supplements, there is nothing really stopping him from spiking her food or drink.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2018): Does your wife know how incredibly low she married? She sounds like a catch, while you are woefully un-evolved. I can't imagine what on God's green earth made her marry you? You want her to take unnecessary hormones that could lead to cancer among other things, so that she can attain your twisted idea of perfection?
You had your preferences and reservations about her physicality and still married her so she would not end it because you didn't want to be alone. I don't know if there is anything more selfish than that.
So...I would say put yourself first again, and divorce her. A woman (and any person) is more than her body and if you can't see beyond that in your own wife to whom you made obviously fake vows, you ought to leave her.
Divorce her ASAP so she can be free of you.
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A
female
reader, 02DuszJ  +, writes (2 May 2018):
 Divorcing her is the right thing to do because as you're too superficial to not be attracted to a beautiful woman as she is, you'll clearly go elsewhere looking for someone closer to your *ideal standards" to cheat with. Don't pretend for a second you wouldn't
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A
female
reader, 02DuszJ +, writes (2 May 2018):
Like Code Warrior said what makes YOU feel you DESERVE a "perfect woman"?? You're clearly not perfect yourself. Even if you're physically attractive your personality stinks!
Your attitude is that of the Donald Trumps and the CEOs in charge of bombarding the media with obscenity, sex, superficiality, in turn giving young minds and vulnerable people FALSE perceptions of reality- making them feel they need to live up to certain standards to "please" men! In actual fact models are airbrushed, porn stars enhanced etc. and VERY FEW people look like glamour models!!
Why the HELL should she have to mess around with a knife to mould herself into what YOU WANT?? Yes attraction is important in a relationship but how the hell can you make a commitment to someone and THEN say they're not up to your standards??? When you decide you want to commit yourself for life to someone that's taking them as they are, thorns and all. I'm guessing you know your perfect woman is out of your league so you just settle and THEN decide you'll try to change them??
Divorce her she deserves SO much better. From what you've described it's pretty hard to come across a woman of that quality these days. YOU are a prick/arsehole whatever insult you prefer.
I'm guessing you did watch a lot of porn at a young age.. maybe that contributed to your audacious standards. Still you're a sad little man. People like you give women insecurity complexes.
You better go- I think Donald Trump is on the other line for you!
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (2 May 2018):
 Divorce her and seek therapy for your irrational objectification of women.
You are the problem here - NOT her body. Do NOT suggest or encourage that she change.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (2 May 2018):
 Estrogen supplements can be dangerous. Please don't ask her to do anything drastic. She has a high metabolism. As long as she is healthy you should not change her. Your post made you sound very entitled. You are free to have your fantasy but reality often can't measure up. I am not as offended as the other readers because I grew up hearing my mom saying that men don't like skinny women. They like some fat they can fondle. Now I know it can be very offensive. Even if you feel like you are telling the truth it's better to just keep it inside.
Rather than reprogramming yourself. Stop making it a problem at the first place. Miss Universe Canada 2016 is a body activist. She said, real women have boobs. Real women have no boobs. Real women are curvy, or can be skinny.
I hope you have not commented on your wife's body to make her insecure already. Look at the body as an art piece. Revel on how difficult it is to maintain a model's body at mid age when most women are overweight. Look at skinny not as malnutrition but rather, as delicate and lithe, needing your protection.
I think you should stay with her because she has the qualities that make her long term material. After you decide to stay with her, never bring up in your mind that she is not good enough. If a thought comes up about her having no boobs, just tell yourself, stop. If after a while, there is no success in curbing your judgment, then I have to wonder how your wife should stay with you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2018): You are delusional and immature. You are coming across as quite insensitive.
Sir, you have to go back and read your own words. Such arrogance. To be so superficial and comfortable with it, must be quite an emotional burden on the wonderful woman that you've described in your post. Such audacity!
Whatever prototype of a female you've created in your imagination is what you should have held-out for. Not what this woman has to go under the knife to artificially create. To insult her and destroy her self-esteem by suggesting she go inflate her boobs and take injections to physically make herself over; is narcissistic and egotistical. No one with human compassion and love for their wife could even think, let alone suggest, such things.
Why did you marry her? What did she see in you?
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (2 May 2018):
 In all honesty I think you should go and see a therapist. You obviously have issues objectifying women and you should talk about those issues with a professional. I honestly don't understand why you would marry her if you did not find her attractive. Marriage should be taken seriously and if you had any doubts you should have worked on them before making such a big commitment. Also women's bodies and shapes change a lot through life so if you want a woman who is athletic looking her body could change in a year or two. I don't think this is a big enough reason to throw away your marriage I think you need to talk to a professional and try and work through your issues with women.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (2 May 2018):
 How on earth do you think that would go down asking your wife to start taking estrogen supplements to gain weight? You’re right, that does sound terrible.
I’m trying to figure out why you married someone that you’re not attracted to? It’s hard to offend me but I’m really taken back by how you talk about your wife and how she doesn’t meet your physical standards. Basically stating she needs to change to suit you, buy adding things into her diet to gain weight. That’s a first in the 6 years I’ve been answering questions here.
I think code warrior summed it up pretty well. You have nothing to worry about with this woman yet you’re now choosing superficial criteria that fades with age anyway and you’re willing to throw it away to re-enter the minefield of dating in hopes of finding something better which let’s be honest might never come.
Are you such a catch yourself where you have no flaws at all? 6foot, bronzed skin, chiselled abs? I highly doubt you’re an oil painting yourself so think it’s extremely rude to criticise your wife’s physique. Some people cannot gain weight no matter how much they eat. You knew what she looked like before you got married so if it was going to be an issue why would you go ahead with it? It makes absolutely no sense whatsoever to me.
So it’s up to you where you go from here. Tell your wife she needs to beef up which will 100% offend her and make you look like an asshole. Divorce her and hope for a more Suitable partner that may never come or count your blessings that you’ve found a dependable and reliable wife.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2018): Wow you sir have a massive issue with objectifying women . You most definitely do need to see a therapist and e polite why women are nothing but their bodies to you. You knew exactly what your wife looked like when you met her . If you were not attracted to her as an entire woman why did you date her . You don't break women into body parts like pirn does and decide I like a but b is not good enough
This is vile and horrible behaviour that women fear so much from men watching porn . Are you watching porn? If so I suggest you stop immediately and seek help to start seeing women as whole human beings .
Your wife deserves so much better
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