A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I just turned 40 and I’m divorced. I met a man one day outside and thought him and his friends were trying to rob me (lol) Im a professional, educated woman and I have two sons 20 and 17 one in college and the other on his way in the fall.The issue is I think me and this guy are in a relationship and I don’t know how to feel about it. It’s been almost 2 months. He’s 34. He has 7 kids by 6 women and has done at least 4 years in prison. I wouldn’t normally even look his way but since I lost my job a couple months ago I feel I can identify with everyone and how it feels to go without and be treated horribly by the system. He has a great heart. I only intended to have sex with him (if even that) after we met but I feel it’s turned into more. We ride around town having fun late nights. We talk and text during the day and meet up at times. He shows me pictures of himself and family when I visit his home and he shares intimate details about himself and rough childhood. He says he thinks he is falling for me...he doesn’t know if it’s sex or what. I’ve even let him taste my cooking and he loves it. He’s introduced me to all his friends and even told me if something were to happen to him go through his phone and call one of his buddies for help. I think he likes me because I’m not like all the other women he’s dated but I’m cautious given his past but doesn’t someone like him deserve love too?He doesn’t work a traditional job and has legal hustles to make money. Am I a fool? We live in a major city so I’m street smart but he’s apart of the streets. I want to influence him to change his life around because he is smart as well and wants more. Am I on my way to being hurt? Everyone has a past and makes mistakes. He makes me laugh and although we don’t go to fancy dinners I still enjoy our time. He has asked for money a few times (very, very small amounts) and I’ve been able to help him out. He requested we be friends on social media thus I don’t feel he’s hiding anything. Ive been on over 100 dates since my divorce almost 3 years ago and have only connected with one other person where we dated 4 months. What’s happening? I can see myself loving all his kids and being one big happy family. He said he wanted to meet mine as well.
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (2 May 2018):
 I think when a man OR woman IGNORES red flags in a partner or potential partner they are heading for a lot of hurt and heartache.
It's a like a path of self-destruction.
What was he in prison for?
7!! Kids?! wow, the amount of child support he SHOULD be providing (but probably isn't) must be HUGE! For a man to go out a BREED/SPAWN 7 kids with multiple women and NO means or initiative to take care of them IT should tell you A LOT about that man. He just knocked up a BUNCH of women and took how much responsibility for these children?
THAT alone would make me run a mile.
And SURE people make mistakes, people do stupid shit in life... I know I have - but I have NEVER done things I could end up on prison for. EVER. Not have I produced kids left and right, without being able to take care of them.
He is asking YOU for money? So, you pay to date him?
No, you should PAY a guy to date you nor should you "lend" some guy you fancy money.
I have to agree with CodeWarrior, I think he is a bit of a con-artist.
You have a stable job, your kids are out the house, you probably won't want more kids and you are "nice" enough to turn a blind eye to all the red flag he exposes to you.
And OP, telling someone, I will never hurt you... it's WORDS... Words are cheap and they can be empty. NO ONE can make that promise.
I think you NEED to start thinking with your LOGIC brain and not your heart.
He isn't some lost puppy you HAVE to take care of because he claims to care about you.
And seriously? Blaming the system? The SYSTEM didn't KNOCK up 6 WOMEN! He had to go to jail.. well, BOO HOO people who commit crime CAN end up in jail.
Sorry, I don't have a lot of sympathy when people DO NOT take responsibility for their own actions.
Yes, "The system" doesn't forgive and forget. Which means when he CHOSE to commit a crime he also CHOSE to give up the "right" or opportunity for MANY career paths. THAT is not "the System's" fault.
And it doesn't mean he now has to "hustle" - it just means he has to work HARDER than the average Joe to find a job. Again... Actions has consequences.
He doesn't sound like a "reformed" man. And he doesn't sound like an ideal partner for you. But then again, I don't know you, and I don't know him.
WERE you my friend, I'd tell you to give him a pass.
But you... do you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2018): Hi all...OP here...
First thank you all for taking the time to respond. I really appreciate it.
When I say hustle he primarily collects scrap metal...and does other odd jobs. I even designed business cards for him. Like I stated before to be honest I would not have given him a second glance prior to my job loss. I do feel my esteem has played a role however on the other hand I have dated men with great jobs and they have so many women you can barely get their attention and they feel no need to settle down as they are always out looking for the next best thing.
I don’t want to believe he’s a con artist...I do believe that anyone can find love and opposites can attract so why can’t I be the opportunity he’s maybe been waiting for to ultimately turn his life around and be a positive influence on him. Sometimes a person just needs a chance honestly. I mean if he were to keep dealing with the same type of women who just want to pop babies out for him then he’s wrong but now that he has a woman of a different caliber trying to be a positive influence he's still wrong? Which is it?What he does for a living isn’t illegal and he hasn’t been in trouble for a while so I do believe he’s trying to live right. He is the product of the foster care system due to his parents being on drugs and although that’s not an excuse some adolescents do slip through the cracks without proper guidance. Also, some adults who’ve never experienced trauma turn out to be evil people who I would never date regardless of their upbringing, education level or career.
The kids thing is another issue because I am concerned how they all are being supported. He is in contact with them all however the youngest two live out of state. I don’t mind having a big family as long as there is minimal drama involved.
I don’t know where this is going to go...I don’t seem to have the best track record for building relationships since my divorce anyway. Maybe it’ll go up in flames like all the other false start relationships I’ve had since divorce. I don’t know...I guess for now I will be cautious and enjoy his company and maybe even not move so fast.
Thank u all and I respect all of your opinions and advice.
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A
female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (2 May 2018):
 The part that has me a bit weary is mainly the fact that he has 7 kids by 6 different women. Now, I think that people with such pasts will have a very difficult time being able to tell what's love and what isn't. In fact, even the fact that he told you that he doesn't know whether he's falling for you or whether it's the sex that's making him want to be near to you shows that he isn't really sure of how to distinguish between what's real and what's lust which explains why he has so many kids by so many different women. He probably had similar moments in the past with these women. It also gives a sense of irresponsibility... look, I'm not saying that people with loads of kids are irresponsible, I'm simply saying that someone with his track record with the law and lack of financing to even support his kids just doesn't seem like a worthy partner. I say this because MOST of these kids probably weren't planned for (the average person can understand 1-3 accidental pregnancies in a partners past but a possible 7 is just too much and speaks volumes about his patterns in relationships/hook ups).
Next, having a record is not something that everyone can accept in a partner. I get that you feel that such people worthy of a second chance and I agree that they are but you have a lot to consider with this guy. The fact of the matter is that you found him when you were low (be careful) and the two of you seem to be moving too fast (be even more careful)... on top of that, he's already asked you for small sums of money (my goodness!)... my advice is; tread very very carefully. You're vulnerable and you've already been roped in but please do not ignore who he is because all of these things may be a part of his past but you cannot change your life and have no kids and you cannot change your life and land an amazing job right away... my point is that his irresponsibility in the past has followed him into his future and it's a lot for you to deal with whether you will admit that or not. You will have to fall into the step mother role (to a sea of kids) and if he isn't an active part of their lives, don't view that as a positive (because you will have him all to yourself although I think that you're smarter than that); that's another red flag.
All I'm saying is, I can't tell you what to do or what not to do, it's for you to decide what your deal-breakers are. You seem stuck on giving him a chance but don't do that at your own expense. You also have kids to worry about and if you continue to build something with him, keep the facts in mind and be very careful because personally, I would not date someone like him, at least not without getting a feel for how he really is without clouding my judgment with sex and all of that (which you've already done). Leave your emotions out of this and use logic. Once you figure out what specific things are red flags with the help of each aunt here, then you can go on to decide if they're actual deal-breakers FOR YOU.
If they ARE deal-breakers then let this thing go but if they AREN'T then be very very careful going forward.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2018): What does hustle mean in the context of this post.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (2 May 2018):
First of all, don't listen to code warrior, apparently he's an idiot... There's absolutely no evidence that this guy is a con man, it's laughable that he presents it as fact.
Anyways, what's the problem? People from different backgrounds get together all the time. Be as cautious with him as you would with anyone else.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2018): Listen to your intuition! Your first thought was that he was going to rob you. Then you discounted that with an lol. Don't discount that! Ask yourself why you thought he would rob you. Don't discount every reason or list why he wouldn't rob you, or why he didn't. Think of what make you think he WOULD. Your first reaction to him was fear, apprehension, caution, or something.
List any reason that comes to mind.
Examples:
1. I was running errands errands, lost in my own thoughts when I almost bumped into him
2. He steadied me and asked if I was alright
3. At first he said I probably was too good to talk to him and I wanted to prove otherwise
4. He told me he wasn't going to hurt me...
I wasn't there, I don't know, but he already put you to the test when he first met you and you showed yourself to be an easy target
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2018): You are the one with all the doubts, hence all the questions which you can answer yourself really. You are seeing each other and it is different because you are both dating people you normally wouldn't. His history so far is not promising when it comes to women and his general conduct, who can really say if he will change, but at the end of the day you're a grown woman, ask yourself what is the attraction and can you see it being a long lasting thing or are you just wanting to date a 'bad boy' to try and change him?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2018): An honest and independent man doesn't "hustle" for money. He has a work-ethic, and he holds down an honest job. A dependable and proud man doesn't have to ask women for money, in any amount. He would find a way to earn that money through gainful-employment. Just as you would.
Don't exhaust your temporary financial-resources or savings partying at night; and lending-out money you need for your own survival. Be sensible. Focus on getting yourself a job.
Yes, I do agree that people who have paid their debt to society deserve to be given another chance to prove they can become decent citizens and contributors to their community. They should be forgiven when they have proven their goal is to redeem themselves; and re-enter the ranks of honest and hard-working society. However; criminal records are a red-flag in spite of all these heart-warming platitudes.
You should show empathy and respect for all people; regardless of your own financial-situation. Treat others as you want to be treated.
Theoretically; everyone who puts forth an effort to receive love, deserves to be loved. They also have a moral-responsibility to justify receiving it. Wanting all the benefits of decency and not doing anything to earn those benefits, negates the fact you should receive that love. Murderers and scoundrels are still people. They still deserve humane treatment. Even God will forgive them. Not before they fully and sincerely repent for their sins, my dear!
Trust is the energy-source that fuels love. Trustworthiness is based on your history and credibility. Your values and character. You can find some fun and interesting people sitting on death-row. Stay level-headed. He may be a lovely person, but keep your wits about you.
Now for some frank reality. Empathy and sympathy should not be based on being in a bad situation yourself. Your goal is to get yourself out of that situation as quickly as possible. Not to bury yourself even deeper.
It only follows that you can relate to suffering when you're suffering; but it makes no sense to let-down your defenses and allow yourself to be suckered or taken advantage of. You can rationalize yourself right-out from under your common-sense. Keep your eyes open. You've been asked for money!
You're lonely and you're single. So you're questioning where all your feelings originate? Is it low self-esteem due to your unemployment? Are you just horny and tired of looking and searching for a man? There is one thing a person with a criminal-past knows he or she has to have. Experience has taught them to develop that one thing more than anything else. That's charm. His past deeds may shed a bad light on him. His job is to take your eyes off his past. Even if deception is required to do that. Be vigilant and slow your roll!
I think you have lowered your standards; because you lost your job. It is okay to be humbled. You have to keep pride in-check; but don't sink to the bottom in the process. Your worth and value as a person and a woman, is not based on what you earn; but who you are. What you stand for.
Both you and I know we have to work and earn a living to support ourselves. You have to pay your taxes, keep your bills current, keep a roof over your head, and you have to eat. Relationships tend to fail when poor money-matters get in the way. Anyone or anything that comes along that could jeopardize your financial-recovery and return to gainful employment; is likely to steer you down the wrong path.
Now figure it out. You are a logical and sensible woman. Your street-smarts should tell you when you're heading for trouble. He does questionable things to earn his money, and he asks you for money. That's not a manly thing to do; especially knowing you are struggling on your own at the moment.
I think you're overcome by your loneliness, stressed-out, and being unemployed is causing a little desperation. A man has come along in a time you feel down and out. Vulnerable. I think you're settling, and getting yourself too deep into something that will hurt you. Your gut has already told you so. Thus you were prompted and felt an impulse to write a post about it.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2018): Ok some men learn their lesson after doing a prison term but some others don't. To be fair I don't know which type he is, but 7 kids from 6 different women isn't a very good sign of his character I am afraid. Can you leave him if you want without getting yourself into trouble with him? Would you be scared to leave him? Because TBH I think it would be better for you and your kids w/o him.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (1 May 2018):
 The reason why the connection is so "strong" is because he's a con artist and he just knows what to say and behave to make you fall for him. He's a guy I want to stay away from. You have two sons, so you have developed a motherly nature not only to them but to men too. I have one son too, but I say to him if he ever messes up in life like go into drugs and gets fired from a job, then I would disown him. Loving has a limit when people take advantage of your vulnerability.
Losing your job does not mean you just accept any man in your life. You are professional and educated. You can try temp, babysitting, pet sitting. Just don't complicate your life with a guy who has nothing to offer you but trouble. Get your life back on track. I am sure your sons do not want you to be dating him.
Your question is about being hurt. Well, not any man is out there to cheat. He does not have a good track record. 7 kids by 6 women. That's like something you see on Jerry Springer. He should have known, after 1 kid, how much it is to raise one. It is utter irresponsibility to continue to screw around with no protection.
It's hard to get a quality man nowadays, and sadly it has caused women to be desperate enough to accept any crumbs or losers of society. When you act from a place of lack, you take anything. Being without a job can be a blow to your self esteem, but you must continue to love and accept yourself so that you don't fall for any man who sweet talks you.
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