A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:My husband cheated on me years ago. He hid it and never told me. When I found out he lied and said it was before we met and I should have asked him about her. But it wasn't. So he lied about his lie. He kept her as part of our friendship circle, but I never knew about them, an I trusted him. But then she emotionally abused me before I found out, hinting my husband was a cheater but not to tell him she told me. This went on too long but I kept quiet thinking she was just drunk. So I find out about her, tell my husband of the abuse, he says its my fault and he mad I never told him. Now he insists we and I still remain friends even tho it will kill me an it has ruined my trust in him. He now says I am insane because I cant forgive and forget and I made it up. He says unless I make up with her, because I yelled at her when I found out that we will cease to be married couple. I feel abused in a way and I think is a sneaky smiling narcissist. Since there seems to be no way to reach his heart how bad he's hurt me, I am considering divorce. He seems to love her and her associated buddies more than me, even tho he says nothing is going on between them. I hate to give up my house and the family will suffer, plus I feel too old to recover financially. I have no peace, my health suffers, and I can't sleep. Help.
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cheated on me, divorce, drunk Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (10 April 2017):
 Kick him out, contact your lawyer about adultery and take it from there. He has no right to cheat and lie never mind try and make you feel bad about it and to apologize to his mistress. Honestly it sounds like he cares more about her than you. Don't allow him to treat you so bad. You are much better alone than with him. I wish you a happy future. You have some tough decisions ahead but it will be worth it to see him get what he deserves. He does not deserve you that is for sure.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2017): Divorce him! Do not worry too much as you have been married a long time...You will more than not get alimony since you had a long term marriage. Do not worry about the house...You would at least get half...Half of his retirement...Half value of everything.You might even get more due to his emotional abuse of you.Tell your lawyer everything.Do not sign anything he tries to give you he might try to trick you out of your fair share. You might be way better off financially than you think.Do not forget to empty any shared bank accounts.You can do this!You are strong!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2017): From what you've described it almost sounds ike he's gas-lighting you with regards to his behaviour (if you don't know what gas-lighting means, just google it). In addition, if he held a shred of empathy towards you he would have long ago apologized - and profusely to you.I would normally suggest as a first step, exploring couple's counselling; but from what you've described I don't see it as an option at the moment. And if in fact if he does have a personality disorder, counselling will likely be of little help - even if he was willing to attend. I'm sorry to have to say that your options are quite limited in this case, and you may have little choice other than talking to an attorney - and from what you've written it sounds like this is already something you're coming to terms with.
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A
male
reader, Justryingtohelp  +, writes (7 April 2017):
Seriously? Do you think you don't deserve better? Of course you do. Give him his marching orders.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (7 April 2017):
I add to the chorus of people saying divorce may be your only option. What he's asking (telling) you to do is totally unacceptable.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (7 April 2017):
 Are you saying that your husband had an affair within your circle of friends, and after he got busted , he insisted to stay friends with that woman and for you to apologize to her ?
That's otrageous. He Leaves you no alternative than leaving him.
That's not the behaviour of a man who made a mistake, but regrets it and want to win your trust back and rebuild your relationship ! He only wants you to *forget*, not to *forgive * him, because he sure does not sound like someone who repented and who's sorry for what he's done.
I think that's a too bitter pill to swallow , it would stuck in your craw forever.
I realize that the idea of divorcing and starting over is more daunting when it happens later in life, but in your case I really feel that's the lesser of two evils. It may be hard to let go- but it must be much harder to stay knowing how little respect , love and empathy he is willing to show you .
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2017): It's unanimous! Hire yourself a divorce attorney!
Your husband adds insult to injury by demanding you make up with the woman who psychologically-abused you and helped to betray you! That's quite ballsy, and takes a lot of gall!
I'm not sure what's going through your mind; but any consideration in reconciling with someone that arrogant is a huge mistake. If you feel he's a narcissist; then you know he feeds on your pain. You should be beyond the stage of contemplation about divorce.
Okay! Now let me impose some tough-love here, girlfriend!
You don't want to give-up your house? It's a thing. It can be replaced. Your family is already destroyed! Your husband is a cheat! He's taking the side of his mistress!
You say your health suffers? How convenient! For you to go to an early grave; and all he has to do is move her right in.
Get your legal ducks in a row. If you have children, they are likely adults by now; and will just have to deal with it. Let the attorney mediate and determine what you get in settlement. Don't let unsubstantiated fears and ignorance paralyze you. Seek legal advice.
Your health and sanity comes first! Living in hell due to a fear you can't recover financially is an excuse. Well, if your health continues to decline; he can collect the life insurance, keep the house, all the assets, and live on.
With her as a beneficiary of it all!
Does it come down to preserving your financial comfort versus letting your husband maintain his concubine, and steamrolling you into the pavement? "It's cheaper to keep her;" they say. He stands to lose half of everything; of course he doesn't want a divorce. Love doesn't seem to be the reason for staying married. He mocks you and is taking advantage of your fears.
If you think you can remain in a marriage of convenience; with him reaping all the benefits. More power to you!
My prediction is, she'll eventually decide to get you out of the picture. He'll divorce you anyway. That's the harsh reality.
Save yourself and what's yours, sweetheart!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (7 April 2017):
 I agree with FA, time to see a lawyer.
I find it amazing how your husband ACTUALLY seems to think it's YOUR fault! What kind of MESSED up logic is that?
The family as a whole will not suffer anymore from a divorce than they do from you living with misery and health issues.
And I get not wanting to lose your home but is it worth more than YOU are?
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (7 April 2017):
 Talk to a lawyer. He feels much the same way you do. He wants the marriage to continue because it is convenient, not because he loves you. It can not continue until this affair is resolved to your satisfaction.
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