A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hey guys, I've resorted to reading the site here cause I've had trouble "Google-ing" my situation with any real results. So before I post the question a disclaimer here is; I don't want anyone to comment on how I shouldn't be bothered by my G's history. That part of the back story isn't up for debate lol. However, here is the issue.I'm 31, my GF of 4 and 1/2 years is 28. I was married for 7 years, had 3 additional long term GF s and 2 of them sexually. Over the first year or so of my new relationship, I found out what my friends had hidden from me when they rebounded me in her direction: she had a reputation. Great news! Between 18 and 24, She had only one boyfriend, for about a year, between 18-22 sexual partners, most of which where all ongoing FWB and FB relations overlapping, somewhere between 18-35 random BJ's, married guys, foursomes, three somes and the list could go on...In hindsight, she has apologized and promised she has changed and that's her past, ect. And I'm a VERY jealous guy, but with much trouble I've learned to accept her past even though I would have turned tail if I had known that stuff prior to our dating...But in the past 2 months, it has come to light that she felt the need to tell me that she was talking to co-workers about he past (in a bragging way) and seems to feel that she misses her past, or more specifically the "attention". Now, I'm not a KC model, or hung like basketball star, but from what she's told me she's more that satisfied with our sexual relationship. But she also told me three days ago that she felt bad, that over the past 4 years, she checks out, sexually decides on ways she'd sleep with said guy, and has had multiple crushes and guys she fantisizes about. Now she has SWORN to me that she gave up those tendencies, but now its apparent she's at LEAST been lying to my about that and unjustly getting mad at me like I'm "paranoid she's checking guys out when she's not". Now the truth didn't set her free. I basically told her I was done, lying to my for 4+ straight years is enough for me to walk about her desire to cheat on me, but it stalled. The conversation then came around to her telling me, she misses the attention. She wants that. So I called her on it and said, so your basically telling me you want some other guys, strangers... And she then says she loves our sex life (which has been about one the in about three months). So her response in no, but she's bored. So before I even have a chance to suggest a threesome or something crazy she blurts out she wants something extreme with multiple men and just her in the middle, and she thinks that would help save our relationship...Now mind you, I've bought about 2000$ in sex toys and things like latex sex dolls and strapons and things like that to keep things "exciting" for her, but its VERY clear, that its not enough.She gets excited by extreme rough sex. And while that fantasy may be typical with most women, I'm scared that me saying no, is just gonna lock up our relationship for good till it just falls apart. She even proposed the idea of a bunch of girls going at her (she's bi-curious, as she found out with the sex doll...) But that still scares me! She's already addicted to porn, and masturbating, and I know this is a slippery slope... I dont want to willingly let it go off to this, to suffer and hurt through it only for it not to work in the end.Has ANYONE found a way through this!?Thanks in advance everyone sorry for the long post... It's late and I'm upset... lol.-D
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addicted to porn, co-worker, crush, her past, jealous, porn, rough sex, sex drive, sex life, sex toy, threesome Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2012): Slow down guys! She's Not cheating. She's not lying. She's being upfront with you about her feelings. Did u talk to her about it when she wasn't horny? I have a crazy sex drive and I love to fantasize about threesomes and stuff (which I did im my past) but I still love the idea and talking about it even though i don't want to do it anymore. She could be like me and just saying whatever dirty thing she thinks about. Im sure you've had fantasies before and they are usually harmless. You have put a lot into meeting her sexual desires but maybe she needs to feel more romance and love for a change. Is she telling you that she 100% wants it to happen and won't be happy if it doesn't. I know that I don't lie and I say whatever im feeling at the time which gets me in trouble occasionally but inside I know myself and im happily married. I wouldn't do it but I still like it and want it.
Her telling you she's missing the attention means she needs more from you. I bet she would be happier with a sexy massage or a romantic bath better than threesomes.
Also is she using the toys alone or are you participating? Maybe if u were more actively using them to excite her she'd be happy. Good luck and be patient with her. Don't forget to try talking sometime when her libido isn't clouding her judgment
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2012): "talking to co-workers about her past (in a bragging way) and seems to feel that she misses her past, or more specifically the "attention""She is seriously disturbed. You will not be able to fill this need for attention.She doesn't need a relationship, or a sex partner, or a bunch of guys to gang bang her, but she wants all of these perhaps.What she needs is a counselor to work with her on why she does this to herself."he blurts out she wants something extreme with multiple men and just her in the middle"You are involved with a sex addict, and sex addicts, like alcoholics, herion abusers, and all other addicts, ^^^k up their lives till they get help.Suggest to her that she get counseling.Protect yourself from her and distance yourself from her emotionally.Get an HIV test and STD screening, no matter what she has told you.You are currently only a part of the attention that she wants to fill a great big hole...in her soul.
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A
male
reader, TrancedRhythmEar  +, writes (21 October 2012):
 Shes a pure sex addict man n she doesnt know how to channel her needs into just one guy as she doesnt seem to be used to it.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (21 October 2012):
 Oh yes, therapy is indeed needed if she wants to save her relationship. If she doesn't start to control her impulses then you should think about leaving. Because first off, you aren't happy about her past, you think it say something about her as a person that goes against what you like and respect. Second, she's admitted to wanting to cheat on you, she'd admitted having sexual fantasies about other men and women that she sees in the street (so these people are not just fantasies, they are real people). It is clear to me too that you aren't enough for her. She might say so, but if you were she'd not be lusting after others. She hasn't changed her ways it seems, she still wants massive attention from several partners. That is what she enjoys, she enjoyed it back then and she still enjoys it, by her own admittance.
Therapy for her, or end the relationship. Cheating is NOT a way to "save" a relationship. If she can't be happy with you without having sex with dusins of others, then she can't be with you. Simple as that.
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A
female
reader, Aunty Audrey  +, writes (21 October 2012):
 There are people with sex addiction problems and they need intensive treatment to help them address the problem. I recall reading about a film star (male) who had to seek this treatment. Your Gf has lost all sense of what is reasonable and her behaviour is potentially dangerous to her health.Has she been sexually abused as a child and repressed it? Where the abuse is now being acted out to push out the pain buried deep within her? Has she had a frontal lobe injury a long time ago that is manifestly presenting as an out of control sex drive?Only a Doctor can uncover these problems.At the very least I think you should consult with the Doctor about a specialist sex-addiction therapist who may be able to uncover or rule out some reasons why your Gf has lost all perspective about sexSadly your wife has no barriers at all about her behaviour. I do not think your wife needs to be called unkind names by people who ignorantly just look at the presenting behaviour, but instead try to understand that your wife is a troubled woman with a possible untreated sex addiction that she cannot control at the moment. Only a Doctor specialist in this area can confirm this.She may beed medical support, and not to be judged and called nasty names. Everything points to your wife being possibly in need of support not nasty names.That SHE cannot see that this is a problem may be part of her problem.
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