A
male
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:This girl and I were complete strangers before this summer. Then, we both were involved as counsellors in a summer camp and saw each other everyday and interacted every time we saw each other. We constantly talk to each other on skype, facebook and text messaging now that summer is over. However, she already has a boyfriend... When she comes home from college in the winter, I really would like to hangout with her. However, I don't know what to do or where to go! I had some ideas but I don't want it to be like an awkward romantic type thing where she feels uncomfortable and feels like she is cheating. Would something like ice skating be good? I think it would be plenty of fun with her but I don't want her to feel awkward! Is that too much? What else would be a good idea to do? Any help is appreciated please!
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male
reader, daletom +, writes (26 October 2012):
Based on the information you gave, do your best to include her in some kind of group activity but definitely avoid any one-on-one meetings, no matter how innocent and low-pressure they might appear.
Is her boyfriend aware of your skype, facebook, etc, contacts? "Boyfriend" isn't a very specific term. It could mean a guy she enjoys spending time with - and in that sense, you could also become her "boyfriend". Or, it could mean a relationship where there is at least an assumption of romantic and emotional exclusivity - and asking her for even a casual meeting will be met with a polite refusal if you are fortunate.
I don't think you have any improper or dishonorable intentions toward this girl, but you are open to the possibility that something could develop. That's OK! In fact, I think it's quite healthy that you want to spend time with her as a friend - and in years ahead you'll be able to draw on that experience when you select your life partner. (And it's possible, though unlikely, that she will become that person.)
Find a group activity where you can invite this girl to join you. The obvious one would be a group of camp counselors - "Hey, Tom and Sue and Bill and some of the other counselors will be going for pizza on Saturday and I was hoping you would join us. I'm especially interested in what your college experience is like.". Don't be afraid to step up and organize such a get-together; two of my (now adult) kids served on summer camp staffs and they look up old camp buddies more often than not when they are in town for holidays.
Other safe, group, activities could be anything your siblings might be doing with their friends, provided it allows for interaction among the group. Sporting events and museums are pretty good for this; movies are poor; and concerts vary widely, depending on the performers and type of music. Bowling and ice skating could be good choices.
Speaking of ice skating - My sons were involved with national youth organizations. On one occasion we took advantage of a 3-day school holiday to visit a nationally ranked museum and historic site. On the last evening of the trip the boys had a choice of 3 activities. The older boys made no secret of their desire to go to a movie, because girls would be there. Most of the rest opted for a bowling alley and video-game arcade that was actually part of the motel where we stayed. But a small group - only 5 or 6 boys, as I recall - chose ice skating. I was one of the two adults who accompanied them.
Now, I had grown up where there were real winters, and spent some time on skates at our outdoor municipal rink - but I'm certainly not an ice skater, and at that time hadn't been on skates for well over 25 years. That evening the ice rink was not crowded. Besides our small group, there was a church group of around 15 Junior High and High School kids - the majority of whom were female girl persons of the opposite sex. It was very apparent that many of them were totally unfamiliar with ice skates.
I saw one girl who was not skating, but rather walking on her skates with one hand on the railing around the edge of the rink. I stopped beside her, extended my gloved hands, and offered to help her skate around the rink. It took a little encouragement, but she eventually accepted the invitation. (Yeah, I had an advantage over you - being roughly her parents' age, and wearing the windbreaker with the youth organization's logo, I probably looked safe and friendly despite being a stranger. Which was true.)
Of course, the gentleman skates backwards in such a situation - and skating backward by the "sculling" method is as far as my skating skills ever went. But by steadying herself against my hands she was able to gain some confidence and learn to balance on her skates. On the second pass around the rink I motioned for one of our boys to join us. We skated as a trio - I skated backward, holding the boy's hand and the girl's hand in mine, while they skated forward and held each other's hand. I think we made it once around the rink when our time was up.
Back at the motel - the movie group was hanging out in the lobby lounge, talking about the girls they had seen and how one of the boys had sat only a few seats from a group of girls. One of the boys in the movie group was older brother to the boy who had skated with me and the girl. I pointed out to him that his younger brother had not only seen some girls, but had actually touched one and held her hand (well, at least through their gloves). It was one of those "priceless moments" when the older boy realized he had been out-done by his younger brother!
So if you're at all inclined, take a few lessons and develop ice skating as a "social skill". It may not be as overt as traditional types of ballroom dancing, but when you skate you can actually TOUCH a girl!
A
male
reader, JSBach  +, writes (21 October 2012):
Bowling is fun, and a million miles from romantic. I've always found it more enjoyable in a large group rather than just two though.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (21 October 2012):
Hi there. Even though you do like her a lot and you get along well with her, the real issue here is she does have a boyfriend.
And even though your plans are fairly harmless, she might still consider it to be cheating on her boyfriend, just by being in your company.
It doesn't really matter what activity it is that you would take her to, the fact is the one on one of you being with her and not in a group, kind of does equate to cheating, in reality.
So this is something you must seriously consider before going ahead and making any plans.
Yes, it's okay to have friends, but are you sure that "friendship" is all that you want from her?
You need to be very clear on this point, before proceeding any further with this.
Just say you had a girlfriend who went away for college, and then came back for the winter, you would be very unhappy if you somehow found out she had been seeing someone else behind your back, wouldn't you?
And this is no doubt exactly what could happen if her boyfriend finds out she has spent some time alone with you.
Please think about this very carefully.
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