A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Hello. This is a situation where I could really cause some pain and heartache with a good friend of mine but at the same time, I want to respect my elders and follow their rules. Trinity and I have been friends since grade school and we both attended a small, Christian school that was attached to our church (pre-k - 12 grade). Our parents both had us very involved in the church all our lives and nearly every aspect of our lives was connected to it. Most of our classmates (we graduated in a class of 5) went on to go to a Bible college, but our parents could only afford a public one about an hour's drive away.Now this college is in a very liberal area and our parents were concerned about what we would run into because they knew they were very strict and that we were very much shielded from a lot of things that most people were not. Because of this, their stipulation was that we were to be roommates and since they were paying our tuition, there were rules we were expected to follow. Our mothers are teachers, so they wanted our class schedules and the sylibus(es?) for the classes, and they immediately introduced us to the pastor and youth-group leader of a nearby Baptist church. The rules are that we call at 6:30 a.m. and 9:30 a.m. every day and that we are not to leave campus unless we go together and we show receipts for money spent. The thing is, they had us make a pact that if one of us stops going to church, starts experimenting with drinking, drugs, or dating, we are to call the other person's parents and let them know. I know this sounds foreign to many people, but I'm comfortable with that because I like my lifestyle. The problem is, Trinity does not.Trinity went to church with me every Sunday morning and evening and Wednesday evening and always attended Bible study. In the middle of the first semester, she stopped going to Wednesday services and said that she had joined another student group and that she was involved in that. I didn't tell her parents because it *is* her life. But I got interested in knowing what she was doing because she was being VERY secretive about the group and I did see some of the people who came by and she was constantly erasing phone messages and walking into the bathroom with the phone. I honestly thought she was sexting someone or maybe talking about doing drugs or something harmful. Whatever it was, she didn't want me to know. Also, many of the people I saw her with in the cafeteria, she would make some excuse for me nto to join them and they would make some excuse not to join me. I am not stupid, I am quite aware that many or all of those friends are gay.I'm sure you know that we were raised that this is wrong, but deep down, I don't think it's a choice. I think it's a choice to ACT on it, but not to be that way. And I would never decide I didn't want to work with someone or hire someone for that reason because no one is perfect and as long as it doesn't affect everyone else, it doesn't matter. I looked up student groups one day to see who met on Wednesday nights and not surprisingly, one of the groups is the LGBT group on campus.I confronted her about it and just asked that she be honest with me and whether or not she is a lesbian or something. I will not drop her as a friend if she is, and that's not something I'd tell her parents. She swore up and down that she only "thought she might be bi" and that she hadn't been with either a guy or a woman at all - I believe her. She also said that the people in that group are kinda hostile toward her because she's not "loud and in your face" about her sexual orientation and that they think she's just "curious" (I agree!) and because she's partway in the closet. I'm glad she's come out to me, because all I wanted was honesty. To be truthful, if she were messing around with some guy or staying the night at his dorm or apartment, THAT would make me worry MORE because of diseases and pregnancy and the type of guys who do that to girls anyway.So there's no health risk here AND she told me that she always felt "different" and that she never was interested in guys (she never has been at all, it didn't bother her that she wasn't allowed to date while it bothered ME that I couldn't and I DID pressure to sneak around behind our parents' backs and date back in HS). So it's not so much her interest in women, it's her LACK of interest in guys. I told her that maybe she is asexual or something and that it didn't mean she was that way.She then said that she'd had some experiences "a little" and that that was why she stayed overnight once. Now THAT scared me because that night, I called repeatedly and she refused to answer her phone. I almost called her parents then because she wasn't responding and her stories didn't mesh when she told me the next day where she was or what she was doing. I was genuinely worried because it's NOT like her to just disappear. Her argument was that since she "rarely" does that, it shouldn't be a problem. Trinity is the type of girl who could easily get lost in our own small hometown, she isn't good with directions, and she really doesn't pay attention to her surroundings. She is also WAY too trusting so I AM genuinely worried about what happens when I don't know where she is, if she'll know how to get out of something or not.Well, the youth group leader DID call her parents and told them they hadn't seen her on Wednesdays anymore and they keep prodding. They even showed up for a surprise visit this past weekend to make sure everything was OK because Trinity wasn't "herself". I noticed that too, but I didn't realize how BAD it was. I mean, I think she's depressed. I have a hard time waking her up, I have to talk her into showering, and I'm sick of covering for her when her parents want to know where she is or who she is hanging out with because it's clear that it's not the people from church. I don't want to lie to them, but they keep pressuring me to tell them what is going on with her. I don't want to break her confidence, and I know that if they knew she was coming out they would IMMEDIATELY pull her out of college and probably me too! If they did that, I know the people from our home church would be VERY condemning and that her parents would treat her like a little kid and never let her out of the house. Her older sister got herself pregnant a few years back and when she moved back home, they took away her license and forbid her to work and pretty much had people from church surrounding her 24/7 until she got a degree, got a good job, and moved out. And to this day, they are STILL talking about it and asking if she learned her lesson and using her as an example. So I know how people can be.She is already depressive and WILL NOT get a lot of support, just a bunch of condemnation. But I'm not a good liar, and I don't WANT to lie and cover for her and she's putting me in a bad position. I also don't think her new "friends" are all that good of friends. Many of them talk about drinking (a lot) and many of them smell like weed (a lot), although Trinity denies it. They tend to be VERY disrespectful to authority figures and quite a few really don't go to class. I just think that in general, they're not a very good influence. Also, they do seem to be mean to her and to make fun of her for being naive. I'm worried about my friend, and I've told her that maybe if she waited until AFTER college to come out of the closet, and maybe if she found a Christian church that was gay-friendly, she would feel better. I've suggested the on-campus counselor, but she's afraid it would show up on her parents' bill and they would want to know why she was going (it would, they would). Trinity doesn't want to wait. I can just see her going downhill and it's killing me and again, I'm sick of being in a position where I'm expected to cover for her. I get asked so many times and so often that I'm afraid someone is going to trip me up and I'll accidentally say something.Is there any way I can a) convince Trinity to stop trying to live a double-life b) Say something respectful that will stop our parents and my pastor from asking questions I don't want to answer and c) not get her pulled out of college? That would absolutely devastate her and I think she is depressed enough.Thank you in advance
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female
reader, agneeman  +, writes (19 March 2014):
 Welcome to the metamorphisis every young Christian must go through at some point. It's ok.Trinity is going to get hurt. There is no way to stop that. I'm sorry.Trinity is naive and had been sheltered and the rebellion is facinating to her but she does not have ge skills to survive it. The only way to gain those skills is pain.Trinity's friends are going to hurt her. None of them will bethere in the end. She will need you when that happens. You are much more secure than she is and have your head screwed on a little better.Unfortunately there is nothing you can do to prevent this, or the awlwardness that will come with it. Brace yourself to roll with the punches.As for the parentals? That is going to be a trainsmash, better accept that now. Either both your sets of parents will realise that it is time to give you some rope, or they will tighten the reigns. You are not responsiblw for her relationship with her parents, but when yours confront you, keep a cool head and say firmly, respectfully anf clearly "Trinity ia a grown woman now. She has to make her own decisions" and things like "it's not fair to penalise me for her mistakes"
A
female
reader, Atsweet1 +, writes (18 March 2014):
 I wouldnt tell on her let her get caught herself. I guarentee her parents know her sexuality also. I know mines did lol. I am bi I have been discriminated because if it fired from jobs treated bad by drug addict husband too. Everytime I go to church they speak on perversion. They also speak on other personal business. All while begging for love offerings and tithes the big ten. Its alot going on in those churches and its coming out daily they sinners to like the rest of us.,although they suppose to be set apart and sanctified. They are probably doing more than some folks in the street. I have a relationship with God he guides me and shows me even concerning church folks and the clergy. At this point no man or Ma An shall decieve me. God gives you a mine to think. Also too all the popular people in the Bible did grave sins also just like we do today. I repent pray and praise him. I know its alot going on with these fathers and preachers and congregation too. Im there to pay tithes what I can not necessarily 10 cause I always pay whats on my heart and mind that I can give. Im there to sing praises to God and listen to preachers and take in what applies and what doesnt goes in one ear and out the other.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2014): OP here. Thank you for all your help so far. Yes, I definitely want her to go to a counselor on campus because I really think she needs some. I even think she needs medicine or something because it's getting REALLY bad!Oh, and I mean that being straight isn't a choice either and that acting on it IS a choice. I guess it's hard for me to understand sexual thoughts and feelings because I truely don't really have any. I'm not kidding! I really don't think about sex at all and I don't get that horny. The only time that ever happened was when I was sneaking around my parents' back and going on dates in HS and the guy I was with was kissing my ear. Outside of that, I really don't get turned on and I don't understand how people do so easily. Maybe I'm asexual or something, I don't know.But with my friend, I did just tell her that if she's going to do something that would get her in trouble with her parents, she shouldn't tell me about it BUT she SHOULD tell me, "OK, I'll be gone over night and I know how to get back to the dorm if something makes me uncomfortable." I stressed that she really is bad with directions and she's already called me in a panic because she waited for a bus outside a grocery store and wasn't sure which side of the street to stand on. So I AM worried about her that way. I also told her that she is going to have to explain to the pastor/youth group leader/her parents what she's doing because I want to honestly say, "I don't know". That way, I don't have to lie for her.I do have a question: there is this lesbian in one of my classes and she is VERY nice. She's older than most college students, she's happily partnered, she's on the dean's list and enthusiastic about school in general and she doesn't use drugs or drink. I think SHE would be very helpful for my friend to talk to and she won't be mean to her as her new friends are. But I don't want to out my friend to her - so how do I get those two to connect? Not to go out, but for Trinity to have someone to talk to who isn't going to make her be loud about who she is or call her bi curious.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2014): You've been a good friend to her so far.
But I think the less you know the better, for both your sakes.
The more you lie and cover up, the more likely you will be pulled out of college along with her when your families find out. What's the point in that?
Explain to her your dilemma, and ask her not to tell you anything that you might accidentally say when her family / pastor grills you.
My advice to your friend is to brave this storm until she graduates. After graduation, she can do whatever she wants with whoever she wants whenever she wants if she chooses. That should be her goal.
She also needs a support system who understand her situation and the LGBT group might be able to provide that for her. Or she could look for voluntary organisations that provide advice etc. Or who simply listen.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (18 March 2014):
Being there for your friend is a GOOD thing. Having to LIE and COVER is not. I understand the "buddy system" it can be a REALLY good tool, specially for girls who are away from home for the first time. But it only works if you two can respect each other, and I think YOU are doing all the "respecting" here. Your friend is focused on HER and what SHE wants, whether it HURTS you or not. That is not a good thing.
I would tell HER that you FEEL uncomfortable and will ask for a new "buddy" because you don't agree with what she is doing. Don't say you do, because you don't. BE honest. Tell her STRAIGHT up :"I'm sick of being in a position where I'm expected to cover for her." & you say: "But I'm not a good liar, and I don't WANT to lie and cover for her and she's putting me in a bad position." THAT is honest and FAIR of you to say to her. I would also tell her that she is RUINING YOUR experience at college by disregarding all the rules that she AGREED to. So you two need to find a way to either make it work or get a "new buddy". SHE needs to deal with her family. But I would suggest she goes talk to a counselor first.
As for your attitude towards gay /bisexuals. NOT to put you down but to hopefully open your eyes.
You say you :
"I don't think it's a choice. I think it's a choice to ACT on it, but not to be that way."
Honey, people don't STOP having SEXUAL thought or feelings. And they shouldn't HAVE to NOT ACT on how they feel. HOW would YOU feel if you were told you that you could ONLY ACT on your sexual feeling with women (and you are straight?) Would you not find that WRONG? It's the same for a bi person. They just have a bit more variety in what they are attracted to, then a straight person does.
No wonder she is depressed. She is TRYING to fit in with what her family WANT and SUPPRESS her own feelings and identity. Again, I would suggest she talks to a counselor - if the school would be unsupportive in this (my guess is, perhaps they would) then maybe through her LGBT group.
YOU are not doing ANYTHING wrong in feeling the way you do. Your friend is struggling with her identity and that is her main focus, not being a good friend. Where as you TRY to be a good friend AND focus on school.
TALK to her. I think she needs a little wake up call in how she treat you.
My thing is as well, if her family ASK you about her, REFER them to her, same with your pastor. And again ASK your friend what she thinks you should tell them. And explain that you will not lie. It's NOT who you are.
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