A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I bought concert tickets for my gf's favorite band to surprise her, but since I'm a student, and work, money is tight for me. I could only afford the cheaper, non great seats. I wish I could afford the best seats, but they were well out of my price range. Anyway, she says she is thrilled and as happy/excited as can be and I know she appreciates it. However, she has mentioned shelling out the extra bit to upgrade the seats to a better section. This makes me feel bad, as though I can't afford to get her the best and that I'm letting her down by getting shitty seats. It was a stretch for me to already spend the 300 on the tickets themselves. But a part of me would rather fork out the extra bit to upgrade than make her pay for it. It feels like that's defeating the purpose. The purpose wasn't to make her pay money. Anyway, should I feel guilty? I always do pay for everything, as the job I do have pays much more than hers and I like to pay for her. I've taken her to two other concerts and paid for those. I guess I just don't want her to think I'm cheap. :/Am I over-reacting? It kinda bums me out she wants to spend extra money for better seats. Advice.
View related questions:
cheap, money Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2014): I believe you should stop worrying about this and let her buy the upgrade if she wants to. I was in a similar situation once when I really wanted to go on a trip for my birthday, but could not afford to pay the full price. My boyfriend offered to pay for me but could not afford it entirely either. So we both paid half and it ended up great. It did not defeat the purpose at all, as it allowed me to enjoy something I really wanted without pushing my budget (or his) to the limit. You already made it possible for her to go to the concert and she appreciates it. Your gift achieved its purpose. So look at the "upgrade" the following way: you got yourself a nice girl who doesn't expect you to provide everything and instead wants to help make the experience better for both of you. She's not trying to undermine you in any way. Don't forget you two are a team and in a team there's no place for silly pride. So go and enjoy your concert!
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (22 March 2014):
 Maybe I am thick skinned but I really can't see the problem here.
For Mother's Day I am getting a new dryer - to be precise , half of a new dryer. The one I had my heart set on is a pricey one and I'd be a bit hesitant to get it, so my son offered to pay half of it with his own money as a Mother's day's gift. I don't think it defies the purpose, au contraire, I think it's a lovely gift which fulfills the purpose of letting me have exactly what I want. I prefer him to give me half of my preferred item, than another crappy one which he could pay all by himself but it still would be crappy . Neither of course I resent him for not being able to pay the costly one all by himself , knowing that just half is already a stretch for his budget as a student.
You did the best you could atm , it was a lovely thought, and your gf knows it and she is duly grateful and appreciative. It just happens that she is in position to shell out a little cash so that she can upgrade and offer the both of you a better viewing experience . I don't think, unless she is a delusional egomaniac, that she expects you to get her ALWAYS the best of everything, and I think she is happy with you offering the best YOU can. But if with an affordable little effort she can make it even better- for both of you- what's wrong with that ?!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTisha, I think I'm guilt tripping myself more than anything. lol. I think it's in my head.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLol I was just quoting another poster who said I shouldn't make her watch in misery from the back. Hopefully she wouldn't be miserable! Lol. She better not be!!
She's not ungrateful. She has expressed her appreciation.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (18 March 2014):
 Wow, if watching her favorite band live is a misery, maybe the best thing to do so spare her discomfort is to return the tickets entirely. Then you don't have to wonder any more.
As she's the one who suggested the upgrade, it's up to her to pay for it, I think. You've subsidized the tickets to the point that she can afford to pay a little toward the concert seats by now.
I would stop trying to 'fix' this and let her decide if it's worth it to her to pay for the upgrade. You paid what you could afford. The thought that you are suddenly forcing her to pay more to correct miserable tickets is really a self-imposed guilt trip.
What's more miserable, not-great tickets or no tickets at all? That's how I would approach it.
There's some subtle guilt-tripping going on here and you are accepting it.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2014): Let her pay it.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2014): I dont think she should have care where you guy sit. I understand she mean the world to you but dont yoou think that it wouldnt matter where you sat unless you were together?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt's not her birthday. It was just a random gift attempting to be sweet. With that said, I, in no way, want her to sit in misery at the very back because I have too much pride. In fact, that's what this entire post was about. Asking if I should pay for the upgrade or let her pay for it. It's not about my pride. it's about the fact that I bought her a gift and it seems to defeat the purpose when she has to additionally pay. What kind of gift is that when the person feels they have to also pay money?
It's about trying to be thoughtful, not prideful. And in no way were we fighting over the situation. We just discussed it calmly, was all.
I do appreciate the comments and feedback. Thank you to all.
...............................
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (18 March 2014):
 BULLSH*T!!!! You did what you could... within the responsibility of your finances. IF'n she wants to upgrade the seats.... at HER expense.... then let her have at it.... and go, and enjoy the show. DON'T second-guess yourself for being financially responsible.
I see in your header that you are in the USofA. Please note that the government of this country has bought tickets that they couldn't afford... for DECADES... and look at the plight they THEY have visited upon themselves... (and, you and me and our kids and grandkids, incidentally) ... by being financially irresponsible...
You did OK...
Good luck... and enjoy the show....
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (18 March 2014):
Wait, is she saying you are the one who needs to shell out more money?
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (18 March 2014):
I'm with ChiGirl. She's delighted to have the tickets and even more delighted that she is able to upgrade them so you both can experience the music closer to the stage. I'd be happy to have a chance to see one of my favorite bands, and I'd be really happy that someone was thoughtful enough to think of me. I'd also feel fortunate to be able to afford the upgrade.
You're seeing this as a negative. It's really a positive, you just have to realign your thinking a bit!
And maybe it's time you stop spending so much money on her, if you resent her offering up to spend some of her own? Do you like being in the position of slightly richer friend?
You have some contradictory statements in there, you know:
since I'm a student, and work, money is tight for me
vs
I always do pay for everything, as the job I do have pays much more than hers and I like to pay for her. I've taken her to two other concerts and paid for those.
It was a stretch for me to already spend the 300 on the tickets themselves
I think these feelings you are experiencing may be partly the cognitive dissonance going on in your thinking.
Relax, let her spend her money the way she chooses, just as apparently you spend your money the way you choose.
Unless this is part of a power/superiority struggle in the relationship based on income and spending power?
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (18 March 2014):
 I think you are over-reacting. She likes the tickets, so the gift is a success, and she is in no way forced to spend more money. If she, however, WANTS to spend more money, I don't see why she shouldn't. It's her birthday, she should be allowed to do whatever she wants on her day, and if she wants to upgrade the tickets I don't see why not.
To me, this is a silly thing to argue/worry about. Why do you put so much pride in your income and in how much you can buy etc? It's the thought that matters. You wanted to give her a nice experience, and you know what? She will have a nice experience whether she upgrades the tickets or not. So you have achieved the purpose of your gift.
Now, why should she and you sit in the poorer seats if she wants to, and can afford, to upgrade the seats? I really do not see why you should sit at the back just in order to baby you and your fragile ego. Build some backbone. Money isn't everything, and your ego shouldn't be so easily hurt. Let her get better seats and ENJOY the event with her, rather than sit and sulk and feel sorry for yourself for not being richer... It's her birthday, it's about her, not you.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (18 March 2014):
 I agree with iAmHereToHelpYou
I get that it strings a little that she doesn't JUST take the ticket as a OH WOW and enjoy it, but since it IS her favorite band I kind of get why she want to upgrade and get as close as possible.
For me though, I've always rather be in the cheap seats because you don't have fainting girls and people who shovel you around lol.
I would just go and enjoy the upgrade. Even though, her behavior comes across as ungrateful in my book.
I get you both in this situation.
...............................
A
female
reader, oldbag  +, writes (18 March 2014):
 No your not overreacting, her reaction is a bit off to be honest.
The thought you put into the gift and money you spent is your way of wanting to make her happy. That's lovely.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2014): I don't think she did anything wrong. It's your reaction that a bit weird, in my opinion.
Yes, you did spent all these money for concerts tickets, ( which I would never do, but everyone has their priority) . If you guys are close enough, she just wanted to make it better. Why not? Would you rather her sit somewhere high, on a back regretting that she can't really see her favorite band and still you paid so much money?
If you pay for everything all the time, how she can possibly think you are cheap? You do much more that guys nowadays do, especially in US where everything is always split in half.
I am sure she thought she is doing an awesome thing upgrading your tickets. I am sure she is very great full for your generosity.
My husband gave me parfume for my birthday almost a year ago. I don't use parfume everyday. As I work only part time staying home with kids I don't really need to use it.
It was a hundred $ parfume not cheap, right? But I didn't like It. It was not my kind of smell. I wanted one brand for a long time, but it cost twice more. I thought because really a bottle lasts me for almost a year, why not spend a bit extra but get what I want. I told him that I am going to change it for whati want. He didn't mind at all. He said, do what you want, I did my part.
...............................
A
female
reader, KimPossiblee +, writes (18 March 2014):
 I think the way you're feeling is normal, sounds like you're so use to being the generous one when it comes to money, but you shouldn't feel that way, I'm sure she is thankful for every bit of your thought of even thinking of her, if I was her I would be grateful and blessed, it's always the thought that counts, but if you really relly wanna know how she is feeling maybe you should explained it to her, and let her know how u feel, girls love it when you open up to them. Communication is key.
...............................
A
female
reader, like I see it +, writes (18 March 2014):
 Unless you're in the 1%, $300 is not a "cheap" gift.
Obviously I don't know your girlfriend, and maybe she really does mean well. I do know that I would never personally bring something like that up in a situation where someone gave me a gift.
Why?
Because most rational people giving a gift, especially one on which they spent $300, would feel the way you do now if their intended recipient were to say the same thing. She might as well have said "Well, that's nice, but it's really not quite up to the par I think I deserve."
That may not have been her intent - in fact, if things are otherwise good between you, it most likely wasn't - but it's also pretty clear that she gave no consideration whatsoever to the fact that her comments would hurt your feelings.
So no, I don't think you're overreacting - and I definitely don't think you should spend more than you can afford to pay for the upgrade too. You're not "making" her pay anything. If she wants more than what you very generously gave her, that's on her. What she makes income-wise should have no bearing on it. If money is even tighter for her than it is for you, then her reaction to this *really* should be gratitude and not "What else can I get out of this?"
Hope this helps. Best wishes!
...............................
|
