A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've been a single mother to my 6 year old since she was 3 months old. Her dad walked out on us, and even though I tried to get him to see her, he pretended like she didn't exist. We were both 18 when she was born, and we had been together for almost two years when she was conceived. I thought he loved us both, I mean we were planning our lives together, at the time we lived with my parents so we could save up and get a decent house, and so we had more money to buy the things we needed for a baby. When he left, he took all the money we had saved too, which really hurt me. He had put about 80% of the money in but I would have given it to him, he didn't have to take it from me. Anyway, I've had relationships in the past 6 years, but none have ever stated anything about my ex or his lack of fathering to my little girl. However my ex's current girlfriend recently posted something on facebook about how mother's should be ashamed of themselves for stopping father's from seeing their kids. We have a few mutual friends, one of which is my co worker, and good friend. I didn't think anything of it when my friend mentioned it, but then she started writing things about how my ex is paying child support but I refuse him access. Which is a total lie, he has never asked to see our daughter, but yes he does pay child support but I had to take him to court to get it. I messaged her myself telling her to stop writing things about my daughter and to ask her why she was suddenly doing this. She replied with all sorts of lies, saying I walked out on him, I've never told him things like when she was ill, or what school she goes too, or when I was taking her out of the country on holiday. It was all lies as he signed her passport form, for the one holiday we went on last year, and our daughter stays with his parents once a month overnight, so I'm sure his parents would tell him the things I'd love him to know.I've tried to ring him, text him, I've even posted birthday and Christmas cards to him from our daughter in the beginning but after 2 years of nothing, I gave up. I just don't understand why she would either believe this or why he would tell her these lies.He did in the beginning of the year, send her a birthday card with a cheque in for £200 but I didn't check it, and instead gave to her grandma ( his mum ) to put towards the holiday they are taking her on in the autumn. I honestly believe the only reason he did this is because our daughter has started asking why she doesn't have a daddy, and she asked her grandma why.I ended the messages and told her that if he had a problem then to ring me himself, but he didn't but he did speak to his mum about it but she wouldn't tell me what he said, just that he was really upset about it.I'm saying I wouldn't allow him to see her, but I don't understand why now, and why he would tell his girlfriend all these lies. I've never spoken bad of him, even when I've been really down over it all. I don't understand his motive, or what he is hoping to get out of all this. He won't answer my calls, and his mum wont tell me what he had said to her, I feel like my head is going to explode with everything that is going on! My family just say keep him away, don't forgive him, but I'm thinking of my daughter. Any advice is greatly thanked!
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female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (9 July 2016):
 Your sound like a really nice person OP and I'm sure you make a very good mother. You've put up with a lot of nonsense over the years but you've handled it with dignity. Please continue doing that because your daughter needs a positive influence in her life. It's best that she's growing up with you and in time will understand people and how her father really is.
Meanwhile, don't expect any better from your ex and don't let him get to you. He sounds like a deadbeat loser and a liar of the highest order and you don't have to dignify his bullshit or his girlfriend's nonsensical ravings with any response. He's lied to her because that's all that that pathetic man can do and she's silly enough to believe him. That's her problem and you don't have to justify anything to anyone.
Continue being a good mom to your daughter and both of you build your life together. As I said, in time she will grow to realize how her father is, without you bad-mouthing him. Tell her that her mummy is also her daddy and that she's never going to feel the absence of her father with you around. Block this woman from Facebook. Focus on your life, your daughter, your family. That's all.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2016): "I just don't understand why she would either believe this or why he would tell her these lies."He tells her those lies because like most deadbeat absentee sperm donors it's easier and more convenient for him to avoid accepting responsibility by making you the bad guy, and she believes them because he's telling her what she wants to hear.One suggestion I offer is that you obtain a court-approved visitation schedule; that way he can't claim you're denying him access to his child, and you can bet that he will use that line on your daughter at some point in the future.All you can do is continue to take the high road. As a good friend who grew up in similar circumstances to your daughter says, "My mother never tried to turn me against my father because she knew he was perfectly capable of doing that himself." As a result his relationship with his father is polite but distant; he makes occasional visits out of obligation and courtesy, but otherwise he has cut his father completely out of his life.
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (9 July 2016):
 All Id be posting to her on fb would be the legal definition of what slander is, ending with " Messages screenshot and keep for my records"
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A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A +, writes (8 July 2016):
 Thanks to this 'wonderful' social media you can now provoke each other into arguments and or upset people’s lives on a grand scale.
How about you ignoring this B-ytch and not fuel the fire she’s stoking underneath your feet? She’s stirring you up big time and has succeeded in getting a reaction of response out of you. Take the upper ground girl, you’re the mother of his child and she’s a ding dong NOTHING NOBODY!
Like really, what’s it to do with her anyway? Hasn’t he got his own Facebook to rant lies? Does she want the responsibility of looking after your Daughter on week-end visits? Because sure as the truth would be reviled he’d get bored playing with his 6y.o. daughter sooner than later! She’s a poisonous creature and yet you’re the one biting at these venomous lies!?
Let time reveal the truth if it has not by now shown the ‘great magnanimous’ nature of your absent Ex. $200 indeed and child support by Court order, not voluntarily, WOW.
You on the other hand do not give up posting those cards regardless. Let them be testament of you promoting, not interfering or breaking the bond that may well eventuate between Father and Daughter, when visits start.
Meanwhile ease up on trying to get him so involved, his fingers/legs are not broken!? As it’ll be him who’ll need to explain and account for his absence and lies at the end of the day. It does not look like it now, but that day will come, I assure you.
So keep up the good work and the ties you have with his Mother. It’s nice to know she’s not been left out of the picture :)
Take Care – CAA
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (8 July 2016):
 Keep being a good mom. SCREW him and the horse he rode in on. You can't control what lies he tells his GF (to make himself look like less of a douche) and you can't control what she CHOOSES to believe.
I would STOP trying to convince her of anything.
I would however, bring it up with his mother, if any further drama starts. I'm sure that while his mom LOVES him, she also knows that he has CHOSEN not to be around his child, after all he could BE there at his parents house once a month if he wanted to see her, right? He is so full of ....
There is NOTHING you can do to "control" what he say or does or feel. All you can do is stand up for yourself if anyone bring those "charges" to your feet.
To be honest, it's not the first time I have heard of young deadbeat dad's lying left and right about the mother of their child, because they don't WANT to look bad themselves. (OK, your child's father pays Child support AFTER you took him to court, but as a DAD he is still sorely lacking).
So in short STOP trying to make him eat his words, he won't. He is a wuss who rather LIE about you, than own up to his own short comings.
IF he wants to see his daughter or talk to you... HE knows where you find the BOTH of you.
And stop trying to make him the dad he ought to be, just focus on YOU your daughter and family and friends.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2016): Look, you yourself are enough for your daughter and don't spare him thinking of your daughter. And why are you even bothered when his girlfriend is posting all this? Just ignore. Block her. Simple. He has been lying to her so that she reacts and those reactions finally end up destroying your peace. Don't give your peace to someone that silly so easily. His girlfriend was not the one who had been through those disastrous nights where you didn't know what happened all of a sudden to your lovely life. He is nothing but an insecure man who is not able to handle that you survived and raised her daughter even after being through the toughest time of your life. Just stay at peace with yourself. Ignore what others say. Be bothered about your daughter. Give her all the comfort that her father would have given. Excel at workplace and focus on your relationship if your seeing someone. Forget him. Don't give a damn about it.
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A
male
reader, DarrellG +, writes (8 July 2016):
 Well since he is her current partner she's most likely to believe him unless she has good reason not too. She’s going to default to his side over yours but what she does or doesn’t believe is really academic. He, conversely, is going to tell his new partner a version of the story that presents him in the best light - its just the way these things go and that, in a nutshell, is what he is looking to get out of it I would imagine, unless he is using these lies to cover other lies he is telling his partner but again that’s of no real concern to the issue here. Your family are just trying to look out for you but your right as well - you do have your daughter to consider and whether he should have access to her is a slightly separate issue to the issues between you two. This is a complicated one because if he wants access then you would think he respond to some of your communication or his mum would tell you as such. The fact he isn’t means on one level there is not much more you can do. If he wants access, I see nothing in what you have said to think he should be denied it; he’s not a danger to the child, etc, etc, at least from what you say here. She probably is asking questions, your daughter I mean, and it’s a tough one to explain because children invariably don’t understand adult relationships and because of their psychological profile tend to view everything through the prism of themselves. Your daughter maybe has gained the awareness that she SHOULD have a daddy but obviously doesn’t have one. I would try to explain it to her as best you can which I can well imagine being easier said than done. In regards as to what you do, I don’t think there is anymore you can do to open the door to him having access, Id tend to let this one lie and see what happens. If he gets in touch to arrange access then you will have to cross that bridge when it comes to it, and I'd be inclined to ignore the f/b statuses as it looks like they are being posted just to wind you up - if they weren’t, he would have been in touch by now. Hope that helps. Good luck :)
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (8 July 2016):
 Sweetie this is not his girlfriends fault, she is listening to his poison and she does not know you so she takes it to be the truth. It sounds like she is very immature writing things up on facebook, but that is life at the moment, people broadcast there business over the internet for all there friends and family to see.
Look at the end of the day you know you have done nothing wrong, you are right to get maintenance from him, his girlfriend probably wondered why he took nothing to do with the child, and he probably told her a bunch of lies to make her feel sorry for him. At the end of the day he was the one that ran away from his responsibilities. You have done nothing wrong, just hold your head up high and continue to be a good mother. It is sad that your wee girl is now asking questions, but she is lucky to have you and your family and also her grand parents.
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