A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello am 37 and dating a man of 60, I have never had a boyfriend or even kissed a man due to my fathers control of me for a long time. I am still a virgin. Recently I wanted to wait until marriage, but I wonder if I can find a man who can wait until marriage. So we have been together 3 months and he talks about cuddling and making love a lot. My question is should I tell him am a virgin and should I start telling him my principles of waiting until marriage. I really like the man, but should I leave him because he won't marry me first before being intimate
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2016): Thank you all for the replies.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2016): I don't know the norms in your country, but in the USA, these days, it is quite common for people (even many religious ones) to have sex before marriage. Part of the thinking is that it is better to find out if you are sexually compatible before committing to marriage!
(Be sure to use birth control if you decide to have sex; you don't want to get pregnant without a commitment.)
I would be totally honest with the man about whatever you decide.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (9 July 2016):
 I agree with the anon that you should get counselling, OP - however seeing each other naked may be too much temptation/teasing.
Your father was too overprotective, for lack of a better word, and I'm worried you could make some very poor relationship choices because you have no experience with having to judge the behaviour of a man and whether he has good intentions or not.
Please get some counselling, OP, and never rush a relationship. That means several months of weekly dates, at least.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (8 July 2016):
It's only 3 months in, of course there shouldn't be a proposal before at least 9. However, you should tell him now that you want to wait until marriage and he can decide if he wants to stay.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2016): So I can appreciate that you want to remain a virgin until you have said vows in a church. Typically I think that's kind of reserved for not having sexual intercourse, but a bit of cuddling, kissing, maybe even seen each other naked, isn't prohibited by your church, is it?You talk about your father's control of you, so if you're now thinking about marrying, does that mean that your father is dead? I'm sad to say that I hope so, because locking you up for all of your life is a terrible thing for your father to have done to you. It does sound like you really aren't ready yet to be physically intimate with a man, and because of your horrible father, you might be well served by finding someone to talk to you about this situation. I think that like going to an abused women's shelter would be a good place to start, because that is essentially what you are, you have been locked up and hidden from society for so long, that you may not know what a healthy relationship would be like. You didn't say anything about this 60-year-old gentleman who wants to get close to you, did you meet him online? How did you meet him? Is he someone you know in real life? I would be very careful because of your horrific past to make sure that you aren't making critical errors in judgment. Before you tell him about your situation, make sure that he's actually a worthy man. You deserve to be well treated, well respected, and to have happiness.If you have not met him in real life then don't reveal this secret just yet. I really think you need to go to that women's shelter and talk about getting help for your enforced isolation from the world. If you have met him in real life, and have spent a lot of time in his company, and you know his character, you know his family, you know his background, then you should reveal that you have an intimacy issue with him. The thing that really strikes me in this post from you is how naïve you sound, how vulnerable you seem to be. Your father did you no favors and keeping you from learning about love and life. So don't compound your fathers horrible choice by getting yourself into a situation you aren't ready to handle yet.You arent ready to be sexually intimate with somebody yet. You need to talk to someone like a therapist or counselor and get things sorted out in your own mind. You have to be comfortable with you, with the man you want to marry, and that won't happen unless you ask for help from the right sources.
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A
male
reader, DarrellG +, writes (8 July 2016):
 Yes you should tell him, so he knows where he stands. He seems to be dropping hints here about what he wants so don't let it continue any longer without letting him know what is what. If he won't respect your beliefs then I would leave him because if he won't he obviously isn't the one for you. If he were, he would either marry you first and/or wait until you could do it.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (8 July 2016):
 I will admit that it is rare for a woman at your age to be a virgin therefore he might be quite shocked, so you should be prepared for that. The best thing for you to do is be honest with him and see what he says. Don't have sex with anyone unless you really want to and if you want to wait to marriage then stick to it. But be honest with your boyfriend because he deserves to know the truth. Good luck.
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