A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Please help. I'm a 39 year old woman, been with my husband for 11 years, one of them married. We have two beautiful children.My relationship with my husband began breaking down about three years ago. Too many details as always but essentally it was largely due to lack of understanding each other (I was preganant within six months of us getting together), his very controlling, jealous and possessive behaviour and aggression sometimes, debt, stress, and sexual problems, largely him wanting to hav sex when i didn't and emotionally blackmailing me into it, knowing i did not feel happy or right about it. The arguments between us became unbarable and I lost a huge amount of respect for him, and myself during this time. I wanted to leave the relationship then but I was too weak and exhausted by being constantly put down as a mother, a person, a wife. I never felt good enough, or what he wanted me to be. We are very different people and handle things differently. I tried talking to him about how I felt but it always descended into a terrile row that just seemed to damage my feelings for him further. I couldn;t make hi understand. It was a constant cycle of blame against each other and wqas exhausting.Before our problems escalted I wanted to get married but he was never interested in this at all. When the relationship began to seriously deteriorate, he booked our wedding without even asking me, then tld the children and out family that we were getting married and that it was to surprise me - he called it a romantic gesture. I felt it was again, very controlling and emotional blackmail. I got married to hi when I knew I did not really love him anymore, and he knew it too, but I was too gutless, too scared and too sad to hurt my children who were very excited about it. As a result I married a man I didnt want to marry and it has gone rapidly downhill since then. The truth is I no loger truy loved him and was just staying for the sake of our children. We contnued to fight and argue but there were also good times too of course. I tried I did my best. but it had gone for me and i was terrified of it. My parents had a very acrimonious divorce and I never ever wanted the same thing for my own children. I feel I have let them down so badly. And myself. And even him. He is a brilliant father, better than I am a mother. He is much more conventional than me, somethig he was always so good at reminding me of. But I love my children with all I have. I can only be me, try to be the best mum I can be. Six month ago, I met a man, someone he knew, and fell in love with him. I had not cheated on my husband in 11 years but we fell in love deeply. I was terrified and happy at the same time. I told my hsband I had fallen in ove with someone else and waned to be with him. I wanted to be hnest and it took every ounce of courage I had to do it. I felt desperately sad and bad and guilty, but I could not deny how I felt and I did not want to live a lie, as a iar. My husband refused to accept this flat out. He said he understood how I was feeling, that he lloved and adored me, wanted to change, wanted to understand me, saw where he and I had gone wrong, wanted to do anything to save the marriage. I agreed o have counselling with hi but in truth i knew it would not change the way I felt. We nly went once. When the counsellor told him he was controlling he never wanted to go back again.I admit I cheated on him. I lied and cheated. I loathed myself for it. I wanted to wait until I had ended the marriage but I knew that he would never allow me to do this. He begged and cried, had a breakdown and went on anti deprssants. I have never felt so awful and guilty in my life. He told our eldest child that I didnt love daddy anymore and that I loved someone else and my boy was very upsrt and angry with me. I despised him for that. My son has not been the same to me since and says that he wants to live with his dad if we split up. THe man I am in love with is someone he knows and my husband has said that he will flatly not allow me to be with him. There are problems there too, it's all a terrible mess. I don;t know who I can trust anymore. Not my husband, maybe not the man I cheated with who i feel I love, and nt even myself anymore. On top of everything we will have to sell our house as my husband has run up so much debt. Even if our relatinship was great this would still be inevitable. He is terrible with money and to my shame when I left my career to have the children I kind of trusted him to take care of that side of things. He never gave me any indication that things were so bad. I was working too. I have a good career and make a big contibution to the household financially. Sadly, he never liked this and always felt I should spend more time with the kids/washing/household/not my career basically. Now it has come down to us living in the same house separately, in no man's land, neither of us having the financial resources to leave. I am terrified he will turn the children against me as he has tried to already and had some mild success. Even if I break free he will always in it on my affair, which I realise is my own doing and have to accept that. I would never try to turn our kids against hi, tell them how it has been over th years and the things that have happened. They idolise him, he is a great father. But they will neer know that five years ago he made me have an abortion because HE couldn't cope with another child. Again, I went along with it because I was too scared of losing everything and hurting the kids. Though looking back, I realise I was also emotonally scared of him too. I was weak. Hate myself for it. My husband believes I have been brainwashed by this other man and that if he wasn;t in the picture then we would have a chance. I think he's right in as much as I would probably have stayed longer to protect the kids, but in my heart I know dee down that the end of this relationship is inevitable and it would only be a matter of time in the end. I don't know what will hapen with me and this man. I love hi. I am happy with him, but I have no guarantees. Even if it didnt work out, the thought of starting again alone doesn;t terrify me, but my kids hating me does.I am trapped and alone. Scared and unsure. Guilty and destroyed. My husband is giving me sace, being wonderful, cooking looking aftr the kids, being there, like a different man. BUt I can't help thinkiing it is because he cannot bear the idea of me with this other perso, not simly because he loves me ad wants it right again. He told me himself, 'anyone but him'. He also admitted to being obsessed with me and still pesters me for sex, even now. But I don't give in now. When i look at him I feel trrible guilt. He says he never knew how unhappy I was but I know deep dwn and I think he does too, that it's not true. I tried so many times to make it clear, t make him see, to change things. It died for me and it's the saddest thing ever for all of us. I am done with recriminations and blame. He is passive agressive alot of the time and I never know what to expect. He said he would forgive my affair, but the truth is I'm not sure I want him to, or if I can forgive myself, or him. I dont blame him for it, no one ut a gun to my head, but I was deperately unhappy. Selifsh perhpas. Or for sure. My husband has tried very hard to mainpulate my friends and family and our children. He has run to my own father with all of this, causing arguments between us and teling my friends I'm a cheat and a liar. It's only my mum who has given me support and told me I must leave him and be happy, and that one day the children will understand. It's heartbreaking. So there we have it. Not all of it but some. I've notbeen an angel, have messed up pretty bad just lately, but I feel I have tried. I can't make myself love him anymore. I have asked him if he will try to seprate as amicalbly as we can for the sake of our chldren, not to use them as weapons agaist each other It'smy bigest fear because it happened to me and my sister and brother and it devastated us, which is why I have continued n a relationshi Ihavnt wanted to be in for so long. Please, any advice is gratefully welcomes with hearfelt thanks. x
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a break, abortion, affair, cheated on my husband, debt, divorce, emotional blackmail, fell in love, jealous, liar, money, split up, trapped, wedding Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2013): Do you you think the children are oblivious to the fighting and the mayhem in your marriage? You don't say how old the oldest is, but he's old enough to understand what cheating is.Don't use the children turning against you as your excuse. If that was true, there wouldn't be another man in the mix. You have a dead marriage and a lot of excuses.Listen to your mother. She would give you better advice than anyone here. She knows you, your marriage, and your children.Children form their own opinions once they realize and understand the truth. They don't turn against their mothers unless she is abusive. Even then, they find that very difficult to do. They only side with their father to tilt the scale in his favor; when you show you'll disband the family. They are smart enough to manipulate. They learn by example, and mimic what they see their parents do.You're a mess. You don't need a man in your life at all right now. You're using the other man as your ticket out of hell. You're also hoping he'll rescue you from yourself.You have to divorce and work on bringing the children back. The dysfunction between their parents, is causing them more psychological trauma than you will ever know.The tension between you will drive you apart; or put you both in a mental institution, or hospital. The human mind and body can only absorb so much stress. That goes mainly for the children.
A
female
reader, Brokenv  +, writes (22 October 2013):
WOW!!!!!
All I can say is, it is a lonely life when you are trapped in a relationship that you no longer want.
Going from one relationship to another so quickly is a disaster. I'm not telling you, you don't love this other man but it is alot different being with him fulltime.
Your husband may now understand (and scared sh!tle$$) that you are willing to leave and there is someone else interested.
Love yourself enough to give the time you need to yourself. Get counselling for you and maybe together. But if you truly don't love him. Leave. PERIOD. He deserves more, your children deserve more and so do you.
Good Luck!
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