A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Long story, but here goes. I am a 21 year old Indian woman who had an arranged marriage to the (34-y/o)man of my dreams. Or so I thought. To give some background,I am an attractive woman who was very used to getting lots of male attention. Sometimes, it was very validating, perhaps due to my daddy issues (my biological father wanted nothing to do with me, and my stepfather was not there for me)I accept that this is not something I should use as an excuse to justify bad behavior.Anyway, not long after our wedding, DH did a 360 degree turn. Not only did I have to live with his mother, but she insulted me in front of family members, scolded me like a child, accused me of being a liar, expected me to just sit back and take her abuse. In three weeks alone, she had managed to drive me completely up the wall. Unfortunately, DH completely took her side and would fly into a rage if I 'insulted' his mother. I was only trying to explain to him that she was ruining our relationship before it had even started. I made the mistake of going to him and venting whenever she had been awful to me, which would usually send him into rage, where he would shout at me and eventually descend into a mood, where he wouldn't talk to me for days. My life had turned upside down. I was a newly married young woman whose husband seemed to have gone from being her dream, to a monster. He began to punish me by not being affectionate, he denied me sex. I felt very neglected. I admit that when angry, I would shout too, but I didn't expect that my husband would treat me the way he did, given that I am a woman.I am not proud of what I did next. I happened to meet a B at an event, and we swapped details purely for professional reasons. B was very interested in me romantically, but I told him that I was married and loved my husband very much. Unfortunately, in my emotional, mental and sexual frustration, I stupidly responded to B's flirtations and engaged in a series of flirtatious and dirty texts with B. The relationship was never physical, and I only ever met him once for coffee, where I helped him with a job application and nothing else. The text messages were very infrequent, usually when I was upset. At some point, I stopped responding to B's texts out of guilt, and because it seemed like my relationship with DH could get back on track. Please bear in mind that our relationship wasn't one of friendship, or even affection. To me, it was an outlet. I didn't build any kind of relationship with B.Because DH had a tendency to freak out over the smallest of things (he's emotionally abusive)and the fight that would ensue would last hours, I sometimes omitted certain details to him; e.g. the fact that I ha texted one of my best male friends around three weeks after the wedding that I may have made a mistake by marrying him. I also didn't tell him that I had once told a family member of his that his mother was suffocating me (a family member who had been my friend years before I had met DH)Anyway, I was at work one day when I received a chilling call from DH. He was coming to pick me up, and that I'd better have a good explanation, or he was ready to end the marriage. He said that he had suspected I had lied to him and that did I want to tell him anything? I panicked and said no. Turned out that he been storing encrypted information from my iPhone on his computer, had hacked it and read messages which I had long deleted. He had found out about B. I admit that I shouldn't have done what I did, but it what happened next has been the bane of my existence. My husband took me home, shouted, screamed, pushed me around, shoved me, threw me on the floor and tried to wrestle my phone from me, called me every single disgusting name under the sun, and didn't care that his mother was listening at the door the entire time. He shouted so loud and threatened to kill me and himself, said that I had cheated on him, that I was a whore, disloyal, and had betrayed him. He said I should have never done what I did, no matter how badly he had treated me. By this point, I had not been in touch with B for over 4 months. I will remind you all again that my relationship with B was not physical or emotional. There was no connection. Just an outlet.My husband continued to taunt, abuse, shout, swear and insult me for days. We did not eat for three days, he just shouted and shouted and pushed me around. He threatened to send my text messages to all my family, friends, work to show them what 'a whore you are'. He called my mother and asked her to come and pick me up. He told her what I did, he asked her to take me away. I thought he was serious so I tried to go into our bedroom to pick up my textbooks and he wouldn't let me in. I went to my mother's who tried to talk him round (not knowing that he had pushed me around)He eventually came to pick me up from my mother's.I left with him. He took my phone from me and went through every text, email etc. I was very scared. He found out about my talking to his family member, and texting my friend this time. This set him off again, pushing and shoving me around, name calling etc.My husband felt I had cheated on him and betrayed him. He didn't once think about what he put me through. Stupidly, I chose to stay and gain his trust back. However, he became so irrational and abusive about my every action. He would question every little act, from the way I walked home, to where I had gotten some coffee from, to who I was talking to at uni etc. He said to me that I am not to delete any text messages ever again, and that he would find out if I did as he was backing everything up online. It is now 8 months after my so-called affair and my husband is still paranoid and brings up my mistakes in every fight that we have. We fight every single day, without fail. He refuses to see my perspective on anything and has far too many opinions. He makes me feel I am not good enough (You don't clean the house properly) unreliable, a bad person and inconsiderate. I have tried so hard to make him happy but it feels like there is no pleasing him. I work two jobs to support myself through university, and he complains that I don't prioritize him. I am trying to create a better future, but I now feel like we have no future.He has driven me to complete despair, he disagrees with my behavior, my principles, my feelings, my lifestyle and the biggest problem that he has with me is that I didn't take his surname. He is so angry with me about this. He has even said that why should he pay my tuition fees?It is not like I took his surname. He has said that my mother should pay my tuition fees, even though we are married. I openly told him about the fees and the fact that I wouldn't take his name before the wedding. We fight constantly. I have a bad temper as well, but he frightens me when he gets angry. The smallest things can set him off and he will shout, scream, swear and tell me that I should try being a wife first of all, never mind a good wife. Should I leave him?
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affair, at work, emotionally abusive, engaged, flirt, liar, my ex, text, university, wedding Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (5 November 2013):
 Are you on a path to safety? Please do let us know when you are away from your abuser.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2013): He does not care about your feelings so it will be best to leave. Ask ur parents some guideline on how to walk on this path....I mean you are very young you will be able to find yourself someone who loves,cares and puts u first in their life.GOODLUCK ALL THE BEST
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (1 November 2013):
Here's a game plan for leaving: http://www.thehotline.org/help/path-to-safety/
Here's a UK site to help women in your situation: http://www.womensaid.org.uk
Best wishes as you get yourself to safety.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (1 November 2013):
 Would it be OK to leave without telling him?
What I see here is a pattern of escalating violence. The rules change when the relationship is abusive.
Here is how I prioritize when I see abuse. First the safety of the children. Second the physical safety of the abused person. Third, money or valuables that will help the abused person survive. Some time way down the line from that is the feelings of the abuser, and being fair. Giving him another chance doesn't even make the list.
FA
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2013): Leaving him with out telling him is smart- it prevents him from escalating and getting physical. Let him blackmail all he wants- send out those texts you wrote, whatever... you'll just have to tell people he physically hurt you and you found a friend/outlet in someone else. The people that love you and know you will know the truth. You have enough information to wage your own campaign- telling people he is an abuser would taint his reputation on the community too. Tell him this if he threatens you or your reputation. I had a Persian boyfriend for 8 years who absurd me- not worth staying- my now husband is a big ball of love. You deserve better and will find better just like I did. Just be smart about how you go about moving out and in how you respond to his blackmail. Be very careful so not to get physically hurt.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2013): This is OP. Thanks everybody for your helpful responses.Honeypie, I had no problem living with his mother initially, but the nastier she became, the less inclined I am to continue living with her. Women of our culture do tend to move in with the in-laws, although this practice is becoming outdated. All the Asian women I know live only with their husbands.Out of the goodness of my heart, I agreed to live with her.My husband seems to think that no matter how independent I was prior to the marriage, I should now have no problem becoming co-dependent. He tells me that I think in the 'wrong way' for feeling that either of us should have ANY privacy whatsoever from each other. I am not cheating on him, nor am I betraying him. I just have such a busy lifestyle that I often forget to mention little things such as which sandwich shop I bought lunch from. He feels the need to know what I am upto BEFORE I do it. E.g. He gets upset if my phone is on my side of the bed (what is the need? He asks)and I have to leave it on his side at night just to make sure he isn't angry and has 'lost all faith' in our relationship by the morning. FA, thanks for your kind advice also. He had been backing up my Iphone secretly on his computer. I know he saw my text messages because he had actually printed them off (texts I had deleted from the phone itself) and was ready to send them to all my family. Thanks CMMP- I do feel that he is a lunatic, but I feel very confused as he makes me feel like I am the lunatic :-( To the last anonymous poster: Thanks for your very helpful advice. It was reassuring to find out that I am not just imagining things, he really is a piece of work.Would it be OK to leave without telling him? I have tried to leave him before, but he just drags me back with emotional blackmail.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2013): Listen- if it's like this right from the beginning, imagine what it will be like 5/10/15 years down the road and kids are involved. Under no circumstances get pregnant! This man will break you down, destroy your confidence and use any children as a tool to keep you and hurt you. I guess the apple doesn't fall far from the tree- like mother like son. They are nutty! Your a smart and attractive girl who deserves better. There is no shame in walking away and saying that you refuse to be abused. Tell your mom EVERYTHING. No matter what the social obligations, she would not want her daughter abused. Consider the marriage a mistake- not your fault, you just happened to have married a nut case who is a mamas boy, unjust, insecure, paranoid and controlling. I'm glad you argue your case, but realize that he will break you down. He can hurt you very badly physically. Protect yourself like a diamond. No man is worth being treated like this.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (29 October 2013):
LEAVE! What a lunatic.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (29 October 2013):
This is a dangerous situation. The only advice you should get at this point is to protect yourself. There are a lot of other issues here but first you need to stay alive. Leave and secure your safety first.
FA
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2013): In all honesty, I think you should go home if that is permitable with your parents .. Pack a bag and go.I don't know how he hacked your phone and got the messages? Think that's illegal as well.. However why would he want your phone if he did ? He would have proof wouldn't need to validate himself searching your phone . To me I think he had a hunch and you have hima all the details he needed .. However the bigger picture is the behaviour, and lack of control this is spiraling to severe violence . So I think time apart would be beneficial and also some honesty with your parents is needed..I wish you well . And wouldn't judge if you stayed but if you do then you take responsibility for how anything turns out .. You have opportunity to leave ..: if me I would grasp it with both hands .
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (29 October 2013):
 First of all, YOU might feel like the "relationship" you had with B was "just" an outlet, but it was an emotional one, one you craved because you felt abused and neglected at home. I'm sure if those text/sext messages had been between your DH and another woman you would PRESUME/ASSUME that they were doing more then just steamy chats. And I bet you, YOU would not be OK with that either. Whether you like it or not, whether you were serious with B or not, it's cheating (not that I ENTIRELY blame you or don't understand you) it is still cheating.
That aside, from what I know ( and I don't know that much I have to say) it's NOT that uncommon for Indian nationals to either live with their parents or have them live with you. But what I don't understand is, even if the marriage was arranged, WHY was it not discussed before hand how the living arrangement would be? Is that out of the norm to do? Does an Indian woman "just" leave her family and move in with her husband and/or him & his family?
His mother - urgh She sounds like a nightmare and your DH, taking her side constantly is not helping I can understand that. Again is that a cultural thing? Mom's are always #1?
I think your DH is forgetting that in order for you to be a good wife, he has to be a good husband, and he hasn't when it comes to certain things.
IF you WANT to work on it, consider marriage counseling, though with your DH's attitude I don't think he would change his behavior in any way shape or form and I doubt he would stop holding you responsible for your past actions.
YOU are only 21 year old - do you REALLY want more years of this to come? Even IF you did have an "emotional or less emotional affair" it doesn't mean you are "doomed" to stay married til the end of "time". Does it? And it certainly doesn't give your husband any rights to abuse you verbally or physically.
I think his idea of what a wife should be - meek, obedient, pretty and always do as her husband/ MIL says and YOUR idea of what a wife should be are so very badly matched.
Some times a marriage don't work out, I'm not sure how it works with your cultural background + divorce, but I would suggest you find someone you can TALK to, your mom or someone you can trust and DO IT FACE TO FACE not over the phone because obviously he keeps taps on you.
Only you can really decide if you want to try to work it out or not.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2013): This is the OP here, I did not add my last question; IS there any way I can repair this marriage? is there any hope?
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